Husband hasn’t come home!

[Worried00]

My husband went to play darts last night as he does every Wednesday. I’ve woken up at 4.30am and he isn’t home!!!
I’ve tried calling him and WhatsApping him- no answer and no reply. He hasn’t read my messages.
his darts team are his old work mates who I have no contact information for.
im worried sick. What do I do!? Do I call the police? Do I call hospitals !? Help, I feel sick

I'm so sorry, @Worried00 - that is totally unacceptable. I would not be able to get past that either. Well done on being strong enough to tell him straight. I hope you are OK and have good friends/family around you.

I would not stay with a liar either.

You knew he was going to the pub to play darts which usually involves staying and drinking with your mates afterwards, so I don’t understand why he didn’t just say he was going to the pub instead of fabricating a hobby that he doesn’t play.

Yeah. Except he doesn't sneak out to go drinking under the cover of a darts team, does he? Because he drives and doesn't drink.
You'll have to try harder than that to paint a woman as 'abusive' because she has the misfortune to be married to a liar. Very poor effort.

My many years on MN have taught me one thing - when a man seems to be telling his wife “pointless “ or “stupid “ lies that make no sense - they are not pointless at all. There is indeed a point , which is to pull the wool over his wife’s eyes and distract her from the real story.

They just make no sense because they are not the whole truth, or even a small part of the truth.

They are just a cover up story for something much worse, usually a whole series of lies and deceit.

I expect that the next thing will be a DARVO attack.

Deny - I didn’t do anything wrong

Attack - and even if I did, it was your fault, you made me do it.

Reverse Victim and Offender - if you weren’t such a bitch expecting me to be honest / look after my own kids / be faithful / fulfil my responsibilities then I wouldn’t have to lie to you

He was at different pubs with different people than what he told me

Do you know these other people, OP?

I bet there is another woman at the bottom of all this.

Why are some posters attacking OP for deciding this is a deal breaker? Is it because they put up with shit from their men and it makes them feel uncomfortable to see a woman vowing not to?

Men like to pull the old ball and chain card. He's done this for months every single week. I'm baffled to be honest. I'd have been worried that something awful had happened.

OP you are not an abuser, you have had enough. We have all been there when we have had enough of their shit. Amazing how everything got turned back round on to you, I’ve been following since this morning. Good riddance to lies and misinformation which has made you feel how u are right now. U deserve better

*Turns out for the last 4 months when I've thought he has been at darts every week, he hasn't been. there has never been a darts team.
He has been out with his friends in the pub. Lying to me about it every week.
WHY?! I have no idea. Am i that horrible that he cannot tell me he is going to0 the pub once a week!? WOW. I am in shock

He does drink, I meant it as in he wasn't drinking last night and drove instead.
And he went back to his mates house and he crashed on the sofa.

That's it. marriage done. I cannot accept this.*

It would be marriage done for me too. I couldn't deal with a partner getting so drunk they couldn't return home and attend work the next day. And to be making secret plans every week and lying to you about them is just a whole other level. How can you trust him about anything ever, now that you know he's a liar? Whatever excuses he comes up with for doing this is irrelevant.

I'm sorry he's put you through that stress. Very selfish of him.

The lying about the pub isn’t great but I wouldn’t end my marriage over it.

If he was seeing someone behind my back in the pub, I would end it though

He is having an affair. The friend (singular) he was out with each week will be female. I'm sorry.

More simply , I think it’s the usual MNcase of posters only reading what they want to read.
That the poor man has been going AWOL only once and the OP kicked him out. Rather than the fact he lied every week for the last 4 months.

@Worried00 im really sorry that your dh has met you down so badly.
Knowing he has been able to
lie so easily for all those months is going to shed such a different light onto thief you had together.

I hope you have some support in RL.

That’s what she said in the OP. The drip feed came after many comments.

Why does that matter now?

OP has decided that his lies alone are a deal breaker. The reason for those lies is now obsolete. There's no need for further prurient speculation.

OP - kudos for refusing to tolerate this appalling treatment. Whilst threads about husbands not coming home without a word of explanation are not ten-a-penny on this site, it's not exactly something none of us have ever heard before, either.

To put their partners through that kind of soul-crushing worry, leaving them with no idea what's happened, if they've been arrested or are dead in a ditch, is unforgivable on its own unless it's a one-off or has happened for a damned good reason. Very odd, too, how often their phones are switched off.

Some women on this site have a low bar when it comes to standards they are willing to accept, and are unfortunately the first to lambast other women who don't or, as upthread, suggest that they are abusers.

People who automatically assume women are to blame for men's behaviour really need to change the record.

@Worried00, wishing you all the best for the future. You deserve far better than this, and all power to you for having the strength to know your worth.

Also, why would he need to take your air-con car on a short trip to the pub to play darts? That in itself is odd, and to know he had it yet stay out all night affecting the school run and your work not to mention his own job. I'd say there's a 99% chance a woman is involved.

So all the other weeks he’s either driven whilst drunk or been to the pub, lied about it but remained sober?

It doesn’t add up. There has to be a woman involved.

LTB

So sorry @Worried00

Why people make others worry and lie to them is beyond me esp in a relationship with children

Sending you a hug, this is sh1t :(

4 months of deliberate lying, whatever the reason would be the end for me too, but agree it's most likely these friends are a woman

Stop. It.

Oh love. I'm so sorry for what you have been through today. I would also be raging. I hope you have got real life support from friends and family. Go easy on yourself and know that you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Ignore them! They don’t live your life, they does not have an inch of thought for anyone else in his life and you’ve done the right thing asking him to leave! If it is the case that he got drunk and crashed on a mates sofa, a quick voice note some equivalent is not beyond the realms of probability!

Hes a twat!

I'm so sorry OP, you must be devastated. There doesn't seem to be any reasonable explanation for this level of deception. It has to be another woman or women or drugs.