Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First birthday together he made alternative plans

239 replies

Chubza · 06/09/2023 00:53

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/09/2023 11:40

LadyBird1973 · 06/09/2023 11:35

He's not generous though. He gives the OP only what he wants to give her, the things that don't cost him effort. That's not generosity. Expensive presents aren't generous if a)it's easy for you to afford and buy and b) it's kind of a present for you too and there was no thought for what the recipient actually wanted.

Edited

Op. I know I'm projecting massively, but I'm sure your bf is exactly the same as my exhusband. I don't want you to waste the time I did waiting to see the light. Which is so so difficult to see because these types of people are 'such nice guys.'

There is post after post on here which resonates completely with me, and I'm sure you, the one I've quoted here again is spot on.

How can one complain about a £200 present after all despite the fact no thought went in to it, and £200 is nothing to this person

DADKiwi · 06/09/2023 11:43

Will his friends be aware that's its your birthday that day and notice your absence? Are they the kind of friends who might then say to him "where is Chubza?? and "why aren't you with her tonight?" or "why did you plan to do this today knowing its Chubza's birthday?"

For me the key test here is how he behaves the day after. If he's unsympathetic or unapologetic then perhaps he really doesn't care that much.

jolaylasofia · 06/09/2023 11:46

@Chubza if it shows my kids grown up birthdays don't matter then that would be the truth. I've got a million things in my life to worry about and celebrating getting 1 year older isn't at top of the list. just seems abit daft to me and self centred.

Redavocadoes · 06/09/2023 11:46

Chubza · 06/09/2023 09:17

Hahah I am doing a lot of d'oh to myself with this thread

Show quote history

What was it, a coffee machine because he only likes his coffee a certain way and wants it that way when he is at yours? 😁

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 12:03

Redavocadoes · 06/09/2023 11:46

What was it, a coffee machine because he only likes his coffee a certain way and wants it that way when he is at yours? 😁

Show quote history

Not coffee machine but you're on the right sort of lines!
I found it awkward but I put it down to his impulsiveness and romantic big gestures, and its a good present so went with it, it actually created quite a hassle and upheaval for me which took months to recalibrate!
I know someone who does things like this for his on / gf / mistress and its bren ongoing for decades, she always accepts it but it is hugely unsettling for her and ends up costing her money too

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 06/09/2023 12:07

I'm dying to know what the present is now

BreakfastClub80 · 06/09/2023 12:09

@Chubza I’m sorry to hear you question yourself so much. I suppose what I was trying to say was that in this instance I don’t think your feelings are wrong. I think you’ve handled it pretty well so far and I hope that means you’ll feel able to decide what’s best for you as regards this relationship too. 💐

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 12:09

DADKiwi · 06/09/2023 11:43

Will his friends be aware that's its your birthday that day and notice your absence? Are they the kind of friends who might then say to him "where is Chubza?? and "why aren't you with her tonight?" or "why did you plan to do this today knowing its Chubza's birthday?"

For me the key test here is how he behaves the day after. If he's unsympathetic or unapologetic then perhaps he really doesn't care that much.

I'm not sure, depends if any of our mutual friends are there, I'm not fb friends with a lot of his own friends so they'd only know If he posted online about my birthday which I have seen him do numerous times for his ex.
I doubt they'd be that bothered tbf, especially as he'd have the excuse now I'm spending it with my kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 12:24

LadyBird1973 · 06/09/2023 12:07

I'm dying to know what the present is now

Promise its nothing exciting just slightly vague with specifics for confidentiality 🤣

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 06/09/2023 12:29

so they'd only know If he posted online about my birthday which I have seen him do numerous times for his ex.

Do you know his ex? Because, again, posting gushing posts on Facebook while, in private, being a bit shit, is another classic tactic of narcissists. Or, if you prefer not to label, a classic tactic of selfish, self absorbed people who don't really care about you but only about themselves.

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 12:54

SavBlancTonight · 06/09/2023 12:29

so they'd only know If he posted online about my birthday which I have seen him do numerous times for his ex.

Do you know his ex? Because, again, posting gushing posts on Facebook while, in private, being a bit shit, is another classic tactic of narcissists. Or, if you prefer not to label, a classic tactic of selfish, self absorbed people who don't really care about you but only about themselves.

I only knew her superficially through him.
They split a few years ago and he hasn't been serious with anyone since. They certainly appeared to be a dream couple so it was a surprise to everyone when they split.
Seemingly a surprise to him too although the more I learn, the less I believe it came completely out of the blue

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 06/09/2023 12:57

DoughnutDreams · 06/09/2023 01:55

He deliberately arranged this when you'd had an argument and weren't speaking? That sounds particularly spiteful.

He's showing you that other people are worth celebrating and already making demands, or telling you that he expects high value presents and attention for his own birthday.

It really sounds as though you can do much better than this, without nearly so much drama. He has friends who make you feel uncomfortable, expects you to tag along to his hobbies without actually including you.

Go and do something that is actually enjoyable. Book a room by the sea, go to the theatre/concert, whatever it is you enjoy. Even lunch and the cinema. You will have a much better time alone!

THIS

He arranged it specifically on your birthday out of pure spite, and even after making up he didn't rearrange it.
He is putting you in your place - get rid.

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 13:14

It’s hard to imagine him doing it out of spite but I guess it’s feasible, maybe I’ve under/ over estimated him!
I won’t go into detail about the original argument but it was a boundary related thing, perhaps it was a retaliation?
I still think he just hadn’t registered the date but when he realised it was my birthday he had already mentally signed up to this one.
I know he could have easily moved it or got someone to take his place or cut his input short.

thoughtless so and so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 13:17

BreakfastClub80 · 06/09/2023 12:09

@Chubza I’m sorry to hear you question yourself so much. I suppose what I was trying to say was that in this instance I don’t think your feelings are wrong. I think you’ve handled it pretty well so far and I hope that means you’ll feel able to decide what’s best for you as regards this relationship too. 💐

Thanks I really appreciate your kindness.
I stupidly worry now that he’s another person who’s going to portray me as being hard work because I wanted him to step up for my birthday when everyone knows his hobby is his life .
very much feels like I’m a woman who should know her place

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 06/09/2023 13:19

Chubza · 06/09/2023 12:54

I only knew her superficially through him.
They split a few years ago and he hasn't been serious with anyone since. They certainly appeared to be a dream couple so it was a surprise to everyone when they split.
Seemingly a surprise to him too although the more I learn, the less I believe it came completely out of the blue

Show quote history

I always feel that we need to be a bit careful on threads like these because it's so easy to whip up a storm for a poster when really, it should just be a light rain....

But having said that, I do think this man is sounding a bit self absorbed and self obsessed and that may or may not be something that he's willing to work on or that you're able to manage/accept.

I hope he doesn't blame his ex entirely for their break up? She "changed", she "expected too much" , she "didn't appreciate me" etc etc....

M

IcedGemsandPartyRings · 06/09/2023 13:24

Oh god, I bet he's in a band or something and expects you to watch him and applaud on your birthday.

bluejumping · 06/09/2023 13:35

Given that this is a new relationship and this is your first birthday together, he is being an arse

Have you celebrated his birthday yet?

I never make plans on my partner's birthday and vice versa

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 13:37

IcedGemsandPartyRings · 06/09/2023 13:24

Oh god, I bet he's in a band or something and expects you to watch him and applaud on your birthday.

That’s hilarious, I’m imagining him a la Freddie mercury now!
not in a band but definitely likes to have cheerleader!

OP posts:
bluejumping · 06/09/2023 13:38

I also think it's more important if it falls on a weekend

If it's a Wednesday night, no biggie to postpone celebrations to the weekend but say it's Saturday and you're home alone by yourself, i can imagine it's not good for self esteem

Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 13:42

bluejumping · 06/09/2023 13:35

Given that this is a new relationship and this is your first birthday together, he is being an arse

Have you celebrated his birthday yet?

I never make plans on my partner's birthday and vice versa

His birthday is just after mine. Given mine is first it kind of sets an expectation precedent.
my present was expensive…. but months earlier
not saying I want an expensive present but his tastes are expensive so I’m using it as a reference.
i hadn’t planned anything for mine but was hoping as we got closer that we’d spend it together.
his was in the planning stages when we started dating, so needs minimal input from me and the fact it’s big and all out makes me feel petty if I don’t get involved just because of how he’s treated me.
I have no idea if any of his family are involved or if he’s just sorting it with his friends.
there’s no role for me there which is fine as it’s less effort for me but I’m putting in effort to the other but I’ve organised and had been researching another thing.
I wanted his to be special too because it’s our first one together too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chubza · 06/09/2023 13:44

bluejumping · 06/09/2023 13:38

I also think it's more important if it falls on a weekend

If it's a Wednesday night, no biggie to postpone celebrations to the weekend but say it's Saturday and you're home alone by yourself, i can imagine it's not good for self esteem

Absolutely. It is on a weekend so sad that I feel choked up when I read your message.
shouldnt be sad now as I’ve arranged to be with my kids but I’m still sad about the lack of communication ref how I might feel about it and being ‘welcome to join’ 😂

OP posts:
ParentingSolo · 06/09/2023 13:47

@Chubza Trick or treating started in Scotland as well. They used to have the kids dance for their sweets! They called it 'guising'

retinolalcohol · 06/09/2023 13:56

It really doesn't matter what other peoples opinions are on whether or not adult birthdays are significant - you think they are, he knows this, and he's still chosen to plan nothing. He should be wanting to do things to make you happy & considering your feelings.

I had a fella like this once. His priorities were his friends over everything. Just got worse. Before long I was attending weddings, parties, funerals, by myself because he always had something else on more significant than spending time with me.

The next sign of lack of consideration like this, id honestly bin him

harerunner · 06/09/2023 15:16

@Sidslaw

But I'm late 50s, and birthdays were not really a thing for my generation

That's ridiculous and plain wrong. My long dead grandparents who would now be about 110 if they were still alive celebrated birthdays ffs!

harerunner · 06/09/2023 15:19

There's no way I'd prioritise meeting my friends over a partner's birthday, especially if it was a big deal to them. I wouldn't tolerate this. You're clearly incompatible... ditch and move on.