First birthday together he made alternative plans

[Chubza]

My bf and I have been together 8 months or so.
My birthday is upcoming and he has arranged a social event for his friends on the same night, this includes their all encompasing hobby.

I've tagged along in the past when invited and it's kind of fun but he's very busy at the hobby plus surrounded by his friends, is a proper social butterfly and I end up a bit lost and bored so tend not to accompany him now.

He knew what date my birthday is, is possible he forgot buhehe said he hadn't.
he arranged the event since we've been in a more serious relationship.
We'd not seen each other for a few days and had had an argument and he arranged the event then.
When we next spoke he told me and I said that's my birthday. This was a couple of months ago.

He didn't offer to change the date. I have not mentioned it again but hoped he'd think about changing it.

He mentioned the event today and I said its a shame its on my birthday, he just said 'you're welcome to come , I was planning to take you out the next night' not asking if I might have plans that night.

I'm celebrating my birthday with my friends the night before and had been hoping/ expecting he and I would spend the birthday night together.

Its not my weekend with my kids so now i feel at a loose end. I don't want to panic arrange something just to show I'm independent lol and I don't want to tag on to his thing either as that doesn't feel very special.

I feel I'm being silly in a way, but it's our first birthday together in this relationship, his is soon after and he's planned a massive event for all his friends and family which he started planning before we were serious.

having known him a long time I know how important birthdays are to him, seen him celebrating his exes birthdays online and it's always a big deal.
His family lwaus do something together on the actual day of their birthday
plus he was gutted when his friends were at his exes birthday last year.

He could have easily changed the date earlier in the planning stages but has no doubt left it too late now.

We barely have any time together because of our equally demanding lives.
I don't want to be a prima Donna but I am a bit sad and disappointed really.

It's 8 months, not 8 days ffs...

If you're so not into someone enough after 8 months to prioritise them on their birthday, there's no hope for the relationship. In a healthy relationship, couples are all loved up by that point!

That's what I thought. I'm sad about it.

I wouldn't be sad if it was something he'd already planned prior to us being together.
Maybe a bit disappointed but then it couldn't be helped although I'd have been pleased if he did try to change it.

I'd be much more pragmatic than I am now, knowing how easily he could have changed it at the early planning stages.

I know my emotions is coming from a place of hurt pride etc and i could be the bigger woman but it's affected me, i guess actions do speak louder than words.

You need to tell him
You really want to spend the bday with him and ask if he'd consider rearranging the plan - see how he reacts?

Arrgh, i wrote long respnse and accidentally lost it.
I cba to ask him to change it.
He knows, for sure and hasn't done anything to change it or said anything nice to make me feel better about it.
I am not going to fight for his attention, he has made his choice and I am changing my hopes/ plans to work around that.
It's a shame because it really puts me off changing my plans for his birthday and I feel tit for tat if I don't participate but as someone uptrend suggested, at the moment I feel I'd just be resentful helping him to celebrate when he can't be fagged to celebrate mine.

I still think it's better to be really clear what you want/need. Then if he says no I really can't, he will know he needs to do better with important dates in future and make it up to you,

I had a bf a few years ago and I'd already bought concert tickets on the execingbof his bday before I met him. I didn't cancel the concert but I took the day off work and did breakfast and special day out for him, he had dinner with family then after concert I got taxi to his to see him again. If you're not getting similar from partner after expressing that it's important to you to see him on your bday then he's not that bothered

I get your point.
Thing is I've changed the plan now to spend the weekend with my kids instead.
which I'm happy to do, and have my night out the night before.
he is out of the equation so me asking him now is not going to change anything.
I've put him out of the equation altogether and that includes the back up following night he half heartedly told me about Yesterday.

He can do one is how i feel rn tbf.
We had the conversation a couple of months ago and again last night and he hasn't said anything about it at all other than telling me his plans and reiterating them with the flippant offer to join in .

I'm knackered , overworked and overheated so maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, I'm just grateful to have hear to vent so I don't waste my energy trying to be heard by him.

Hi Chubza - I think that he's being mean to you and you deserve a lot better. Buying someone a birthday present that months in advance (that they haven't asked for ) is not celebrating the moment, it's about making them look good. Celebrating your birthday should be about him turning up with a cake, or a bunch of flowers, or your favourite wine and being nice. It doesn't need a lot of money but it needs a lot of thought and he's lacking in that

Oh he sounds pretty awful. He won’t even see you on your birthday, and is happy for you to spend it alone, but gives you an expensive list of things you can’t afford he wants for his? No one should be pressured into over spending on presents anyway, especially after such a short time, so please don’t do this. It will be interesting to see if he gets you a lovely present. For context I don’t celebrate my birthday which I’m fine with, but if I had a partner I would expect some thought and care without having to make a fuss for it, I’m sorry OP but your definitely entitled to be sad about this.

Thank u. I'm so fed up , I went through this years ago with an ex and he was much more spiteful about it when I expressed upset at him forgetting/ ignoring my birthday.
This bf is so nice in so many ways, really kind and compassionate to others, do anything for anyone kind of person but this is a real shock, that he hasn't even tried to make it better or even lied and said HD tried but couldn't get out of it, just nothing at all, like its nothing and I'm nothing.
It's also annoying how much headspace I'm giving it , I guess it's not just about 'the birthday' but it's called so much more into question about myself, my expectations, my assessment of him and our relationship

Thank you for validating and understanding

Just because some folks who posted wouldnt be bothered, you are bothered and that's fine.
I wouldn't be happy, he knew your birthday was coming up but because you fell out, and whilst fallen out, he booked your birthday with his friends, i think that was a F.U to be honest.. and an excuse not to make a big thing of your birthday..like a punishment.
Why doesn't her reschedule his mates to day after your birthday, switch it around?.
If he makes big things of everyones birthday, the first one more so, should be yours. Im cynical yes. But analytical. He has been telling you what he wants for his birthday?! I wouldn't get him so expensive, its been 8 month relationship. Seems like he wants all the glory of being the one to plan birthdays so hes present and forefront in pictures on social media. He sounds very me me me.
Everyone is different but id be livid. Id book myself into spa day or go on razz with girlfriends. His birthday? Plan something weeks in advance with the girls. Yep tit for tat but some men don't get it unless happens to them. Dont be so available to him anymore. I think hes playing games whilst trying to come across as reasonable,(take you out day after).
If that is what hes like. I presume but may not be right.

'This bf is so nice in so many ways, really kind and compassionate to others'
Youve answered it yourself. To others. Probably when others can see if you know what i mean..
You and him would have probably been alone celebrating your bday, so could it be he likes attention from other's on others birthdays so he cam social media it?
Im not a birthday person, but thats me and i would never do this to OH if it mattered to him/ her xx

Thanks, it's really triggered me for some reason, I don't know why, maybe to do with my fractured family situation.
I'm bloody annoyed with myself for allowing him to make me feel like this.

Is he a DJ or something similar? If so, he's said you can come along ON YOUR BIRTHDAY and watch him put someone else's special occasion before you?! Obviously I could be completely wrong.
After having many people give you their take on what you have presented to us @Chubza, it's down to you how you move forward here and whether you're ok with how your partner treats you.

Yes it is similar sort of entertainment type thing and maybe If I was less bloody minded I'd go but the other thing of the woman being there who is bloody obnoxious and dislikes me puts me off too. If it wasn't my birthday I could be more blasé (slightly) but her main character energy would eclipse my main character birthday (self deprecating joke, I don't have main character energy just want to feel important for a few hours once a year)

I don't really drink much so to be a spare part and sober is quite draining and to look like I'm enjoying myself, make small talk just so i look less of a spare part to people who dont know me and arent there for my birthday feels like the least fun ever.

I understand completely. The triggers and all. Ive a fractured family too but your OH i feel is being a douche and punishing you for the fall out...even if you had close family its still shitty behaviour. Your reaction is a common one and a natural one. Go out on your bday and have a great time, and lightly drop it in conversation that it was amazing! Post pics in your social media 😊 xx btw have a lovely birthday

Yes it is similar sort of entertainment type thing and maybe If I was less bloody minded I'd go but the other thing of the woman being there who is bloody obnoxious and dislikes me puts me off too. If it wasn't my birthday I could be more blasé (slightly) but her main character energy would eclipse my main character birthday (self deprecating joke, I don't have main character energy just want to feel important for a few hours once a year)

I don't really drink much so to be a spare part and sober is quite draining and to look like I'm enjoying myself, make small talk just so i look less of a spare part to people who dont know me and arent there for my birthday feels like the least fun ever.*

So it's like a tribute act kind of thing?
Again, he's putting someone else's special occasion before yours.
It's up to you if you want this to continue for x amount of years to be honest.
If I am on the right lines then that feeds into his egocentric attitude.
I'd get bored of that pretty damn quickly to be honest

Don't you think this is a test from him?

Definitely this ^ OP

Well I would be bothered if my boyfriend organised something else on my birthday. And furthermore then failed to appreciate how I might feel about it.

In general though sounds self centred and inconsiderate to me. People generally need or want to feel like something of a priority to their partners, not just dismissed with a 'oh we can do something the next day'. You say he puts family and friends first - fine - but where do you fit in this pecking order?

He sounds totally in control of this relationship and when you see each other - it doesn't sound equal at all.

Run!
I'd be gutted if the person I was seeing did this.
It's thoughtless and unkind and if this is how he is, it's unlikely to get better.
And ignore the posters saying 'why do birthdays matter'.
They do for most adults.
He sounds horrible

Hehe, just reminded of the time I had a meltdown at my poor boyfriend because he bought me a dvd player for my birthday and I thought it was too useful and not romantic enough! I apologised for it about 10 years later and we got back in touch and are good friends.
However, I don't think this is you being over the top OP. I think you need to spell it out to him. Why sit on and squash those feelings if you're feeling them? For his sake? Or because you think he will be unkind about them? If it's the latter and he IS mean about it, he is NOT a keeper. If, however, he says, oh shit, sorry I really didn't get that you wanted me to be with you on the day, you're right, I've been making a huge deal of my own and skipping over yours, then he's one of those people who sometimes need a prod to be empathetic. Depends if you can be bothered to keep doing that.
If you squash the feelings down they will only burst out at some point down the line.

Thanks all for lovely comments. And for understanding.
I have a lot to think about I guess.
I can't imagine someone actually testing me like this as suggested above, but maybe it's happening?
Maybe my laying down boundaries could have triggered this fuck you attitude, it seemed to really strengthen the relationship at first but now I don't feel particularly 'safe' or secure in the relationship.
I think maybe I have misread his open communication style ...

I told him before I don't go to these things as much because unless I take a friend I feel disconnected from him and a bit of a fish out of water.
I actually appreciate the event but not when going as an accessory/ cheerleader everytime.

Oooh, is he a wrestler? Fancy costume and stage name and everything? Please say yes!

OP, it's OK to want a partner who makes an effort for your birthday, and not to compromise on that. It's clearly important to you so start as you mean to go on. If he's not that sort of person (when it come to you anyway) than it's fine for that to be a deal breaker.

P.s. has he really spent 8 months planning his own birthday celebrations? A regular birthday, not even a milestone one?

Because I think he'll be unkind or dismissive. He's already made quips about me being too sensitive and having crazy memory skills....