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Original poster

Well it's happened as predicted and I'm so sad for my lovely friend

412 replies

fandom · 04/09/2023 19:30

My best friend who I've been close to for over twenty years got into a relationship a few years ago.
He was made up as he has very little interest on sex and she accepted it.
He told her from the beginning that he never wanted children and that he probably wouldn't be able to creat a baby such was his disinterest in sex. She told him at the beginning that she wanted children more than anything in the world.
A couple of years passed. He continued to live like a man with no commitments .. constant nights out, holidays and weekends away. She was always waiting in the wings.
He is wealthy and comes from a loving and close family . She is the opposite. He said he would never be getting married. Just isnt for him.
I felt he was leading her on a bit and told him so. I also suggested that if she wanted a baby that much that she would make it happen regardless. He said she'd changed her mind and didn't want a baby after all ! He didn't like it and we drifted for a few weeks. That was a few years ago. All perfect since.
I was always worried that she would get pregnant against his expressed wishes as I knew how much she wanted a baby and how much he didn't and Lo and behold she is.
He is shocked. Idiot fell for the withdrawal method that she told him was 99% effective. He doesn't even understand how this happened .
She is now pushing for marriage. He says no way.
I am gutted for him. He looks so blank and pale. I really don't trust her at all.

OP posts:
Rockmehardplace · 05/09/2023 01:07

Your friend is not lovely. I hope the girlfriend takes every penny of maintenance she is entitled to and leaves to have a lovely life with her baby.

I have no idea why you think he is disinterested in sex, why he would string a girlfriend along like that, why a grown man who does not want a child does not use contraception and why any of this bothers you?

Rubiconmango · 05/09/2023 01:26

This is not the definition of friendship. You're too close for comfort. You sound like a third wheel. Your friend sounds so full of himself and living the life of pure comfort and joy, thinking people are disposable, and has taken advantage of someone who clearly needed love and wants to build her own family - the one she never had, with a man who was only passing by, indifferent to the meaning of the relationship as long as it served his own personal benefits - oddly, not very many, other than maybe enjoying interactions on his own terms. Not everything in life is complicated. Your friend sounds emotionally inept, and you sound way too involved. Best friend, sibling or even your own child, your knowledge and bias wouldn't be welcomed by most.

Rubiconmango · 05/09/2023 01:32

It really doesn't. You're way in over your head with this one OP. Bow out, and maybe have an honest conversation with yourself of why you're so upset 'as a friend'. Maybe it started out platonic. And maybe now it isn't from your side. If what you've written about your 'friend' is true, then no doubt the emotions you have for him are one sided. Relationships evolve in many ways. It's not a crime to fall for a friend. But it serves no purpose to live in denial.

scoobysnaxx · 05/09/2023 01:36

They're both bloody idiots.

She's a fool for pining after a guy who made it clear from the start he didn't want marriage and kids.

He's an idiot for continuing a relationship with a women who wants those things, despite not wanting them himself.

Their both idiots for staying with each other and for having unprotected sex.

Neither can be shocked and surprised.

They are equally to blame. But if he's so adamantly against kids he should've protected himself.

Nothing "happened" to your friend. This is all his own doing. And hers. The comment about 'trusting her' shows how much you want to blame this girl.

Let them crack on and decide what to do. Poor kid.

Rubiconmango · 05/09/2023 01:37

Oooohhhh maybe he's been stringing OP along too in ways she hasn't picked up on, and she's actually feeling sorry for herself?! Hmmmm

LauderSyme · 05/09/2023 01:51

You and your friend seriously need a reality check.

mathanxiety · 05/09/2023 02:14

He's a silly man who should have taken responsibility for his own contraception, or at the very least he should have googled the effectiveness of the withdrawal method for himself. I really have no sympathy for him.

Men who are serious about not wanting children but don't take responsibility for their own contraception need to grow up. And women who accuse other women of 'trapping' these men need to give their heads a wobble.

MissTrip82 · 05/09/2023 03:18

Your crush doesn’t sound remotely lovely. Do you secretly think he’s avoiding a true relationship with this unfortunate woman but would be able to achieve it with you?

He certainly isn’t very bright.

tt9 · 05/09/2023 03:50

@fandom I don't make friends with men who treat women like shit. so I wouldn't be in this situation. if any of my male friends treated their partner as your 'friend' has, they would not be my friend any longer. also how clueless does someone have to be to not understand sex without contraception = babies?

Babewhat · 05/09/2023 04:51

My partner’s 6 year old went back to school yesterday. I keep forgetting there are are also lots of kids around who aren’t back at school yet.

MN has been tedious the past few days.

Ponderingwindow · 05/09/2023 05:23

Your friend was having unprotected sex. That means your friend was TTC.

PostOpOp · 05/09/2023 05:34

Similar situation happened to a male friend of mine. She told him she was on contraception (injection) but she'd stopped having it and didn't tell him.

Friend wanted to be a dad, but after he'd finished his study/qualification years.

The look on his face when he was coming to terms with such a life changing betrayal is etched in my mind.

I'm with you on that, it's horrible to see your friend come to terms with that.

The difference is that your friend knew he was taking a risk. He knew 100% he wasn't wanting kids and left a chance of it happening. The look on his face isn't so much betrayal, because she didn't hide it from him, he thought there was a 1% chance. The look is realising he's made the worst mistake of his life, as someone who didn't want kids.

If he 100% didn't want kids, he could have had a vasectomy years ago. He didn't. He could have used condoms on top of her birth control, he didn't. He wanted something he wasn't prepared to ensure. It must be a big shock for him.

As his friend, it may be an idea to tell him he needs to take responsibility for his actions, pretty quick, even if he doesn't like the outcome of them.

Clymene · 05/09/2023 05:55

Unwanted pregnancies are men's fault. If they don't want babies, wear a condom.

User1789 · 05/09/2023 07:29

AmazingSnakeHead · 04/09/2023 22:34

I'm sorry, but this is nonsense. Women up and down the country are not secretly syringing bin jizz up their fandangos to cunningly entrap a wealthy man.

Show quote history

Not least because, as this man has demonstrated, it is actually quite easy to get pregnant from them without bin jizz.

Nanaof1 · 05/09/2023 07:36

fandom · 04/09/2023 19:49

It's not ok and we did have words. She chose to stay and he chose to stay. That's the bottom line.

All that money and he couldn't buy a clue on how to NOT get your partner pregnant?
He sounds like a dimwit and has behaved as an idjit. He chose to stay and she chose to stay. You play, you pay. Next he can go bet on a 3-legged horse to win the Triple Crown. 🤔😖🙄
I feel for her but he can go pound salt.

SD1978 · 05/09/2023 07:45

He's not some poor deluded bloke- he wanted and got a FWB, didn't change bay aspect of his life or engage in a relationship with her and thought that if he pulled out it would be fine. He was perfectly capable of either putting on a condom or actually not having sex. Your friend has hardly been taken advantage of.......

FettleOfKish · 05/09/2023 08:01

Well neither of them come out of this covered in glory do they, but your pal is the worst offender here.

A dickhead AND a liar it seems, leading her on while he carried on his commitment free life, and somehow magically getting her pregnant despite not being interested in sex. Don't come with the 'she tricked him' nonsense, if he's grown Man enough to have sex he's grown Man enough to figure out how babies are made, and prevent it.

Just out of interest, if he doesn't want commitment, marriage, kids or sex, why on earth did he want a relationship? For what purpose? For something pretty on his arm?

Given all of the above he shouldn't have much issue just fucking off into the sunset while pushing a wad of cash at the kid each month should he?

Poor kid.

scoobysnaxx · 05/09/2023 08:37

mathanxiety · 05/09/2023 02:14

He's a silly man who should have taken responsibility for his own contraception, or at the very least he should have googled the effectiveness of the withdrawal method for himself. I really have no sympathy for him.

Men who are serious about not wanting children but don't take responsibility for their own contraception need to grow up. And women who accuse other women of 'trapping' these men need to give their heads a wobble.

Absofrickinlutely

PinkNailpolish · 05/09/2023 09:08

anotherthrowawayname · 04/09/2023 21:20

All methods of contraception can fail.

Only a woman can unilaterally take the decision to end an unwanted pregnancy as it's her body.

A man who is adamant he doesn't want children should not be relying on just one method of contraception. The pill can fail if a woman doesn't take it like clockwork, if she gets ill, if she's on medication and forgets to check the interaction... A condom can fail if you don't pull out carefully... If you're not prepared to live with the risk of one method not quite working perfectly at all times, you have to reduce that risk by using multiple methods.

TBH, ideally, the best method would just be the snip... It's the only method the man can really control. Saying you don't want to be a father and then relying on the woman to ensure that doesn't happen is just stupid.

I'd say most couples are only on one method of contraception because they have agreed how they would handle an accidental pregnancy and they are both on the same page.

It was clear that this couple wasn't on the same page.

Show quote history

If a woman pokes holes in a condom or doesn't take the pill everyday (or lies about being on any form of contraception) then she is devious. Long term couples should be able to trust one another, which includes trusting that the woman is taking her contraception properly.

It's a different story if it's a genuine accident eg the condom tears or she takes the pill properly and still somehow falls pregnant (which is rare if taken properly).

Also, vasectomies are often irreversible. A man in his early 20s shouldn't have the snip because he might change his mind about having children in his mid-late 20s or 30s. He should use condoms unless he fully trusts his long term female partner.

TheLadyInWestminsterAbbey · 05/09/2023 09:14

It's all a bit Four Weddings and a Funeral isn't it.

I suspect OP is Fiona, harbouring a secret love for her best friend.
Her best friend has convinced her and possibly the other lady in his life he is disinterested in sex such that he may never be able to have children. Yet here we are. A baby on the way.
I suspect Charles (for it is he) has been having very regular carpet activity with doormat Duckface (when he's got nothing else happening) who has hung around, waiting in the wings for some occasional crumbs of affection in the hope that one day he will change his mind. He must have a massive family home to inherit or why didn't she go off and find someone who does want children?
Anyway now Duckface is up the duff and I hope she gets a big fat wedding with a huge meringue dress to cover the bump. She's earned it.

Don't worry OP, once the wedding is over and the baby has arrived there'll be a vacancy for a new doormat and you may even see some action. For we all know your friend has had sex at least once in the last twenty years.

blackpooolrock · 05/09/2023 09:38

IF he doesn't know how it happened maybe someone had it in for him 😅😅

BMW6 · 05/09/2023 10:12

What a very weird OP.

Abracadabra12345 · 05/09/2023 10:21

scoobysnaxx · 05/09/2023 01:36

They're both bloody idiots.

She's a fool for pining after a guy who made it clear from the start he didn't want marriage and kids.

He's an idiot for continuing a relationship with a women who wants those things, despite not wanting them himself.

Their both idiots for staying with each other and for having unprotected sex.

Neither can be shocked and surprised.

They are equally to blame. But if he's so adamantly against kids he should've protected himself.

Nothing "happened" to your friend. This is all his own doing. And hers. The comment about 'trusting her' shows how much you want to blame this girl.

Let them crack on and decide what to do. Poor kid.

You sum it up perfectly.

Let's hope OP isn't feeding the friend with his "poor me" victim mentality and increasing the hostility and blame on the woman

dooneyousmugelf · 05/09/2023 10:26

I'm sure that OP will be at the ready with a shoulder to cry on, deep meaningful conversations, lingering hand holds and soothing words of comfort until that one day when silly billy friends looks deeply into her eyes and sees something he never had before, and realises it was her all along who he really wants, not the long term girlfriend he has impregnated and is planning to settle down with.

amisrong · 05/09/2023 10:27

One of the strangest posts I've ever read. You feel so sorry for a guy that comes across as a twat.