Would You Leave If BF Called You A C**t

[Allycat78]

i want to start this thread to see what you ladies out there think. I’m divorced. My 2 sons are adults. Im 45, been seeing a guy for 18 months. Started off great as all relationships do. I haven’t moved in. Stay in my own place but see each other regularly. As time has gone on I’ve noticed him increasingly impatient with me and life in general. Maybe he just hid it at first. Never been violent or I’d be gone but he can get very angry verbally and mood swings. He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.
He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’
i know im far from perfect but I’ve never sworn at him or used this type of derogatory speech to him. He shouts. I don’t raise my voice.
Either im a terrible girlfriend for making him so mad or this is a relationship I need to end. Thoughts please.

It’s comforting that there’s others in same boat. I’m not happy others like you have gone through bad relationship but it helps when we can read similar experiences and upbuild each other.
The mental and emotional health suffering isn’t worth it and I dont want to spend my life being spoken down to like I’m a chastised child disobeying their parent or teacher.
i admit that I have faults but thing they get triggered in the wrong environment

Gosh op there were so so many red flags with this guy. He's highly abusive.

Even when you ending it - he's asking you to give him a list of things you've 'done wrong' ! He's more interested in asigning blame to you for the end of the relationship than the fact that its ending!

STOP saying 'I recognise it takes two', sure, in a healthy relationship people might both have issues they can work on. This however, was a relationship with an abuser. So please STOP telling him your perceived shortcomings. He is looking for your insecurities and weaknesses so he can further use them against you.

He.means.you.harm.

Cut all contact. Be aware he may tell other people you are crazy/insecure so you would be wise to be first to tell people you care for that you left him - because he was emotionally abusive. Otherwise his sort have been prone to use other people against you as flying monkeys. Eg: trying to make them think you're struggling with your mental health and that's why you left him. And he really worries and cares about you so they should try persuade you to take him back ect ect...

Anyone who might share info with him about you, drop them from your life.

Also, don't accept friend requests or calls from unknowns.

Bullies like to tell you you're incapable and unlovable. In future, instead of entertaining that talk with people like that:
'I've had plenty of healthy relationships before you and I'll have plenty after you. Now, fuck off and never contact me again, asshole'.

Im sure he will run me down to others. That’s ok. He has bad mouthed couple exes of his to me yet stays in contact with them ‘as friends’. It’ll give me more confidence in my decision to end it

Thanks for advice. I like your character!

So glad you have ended it.

But far more likely the reason he has never had a live in relationship since is because other women have dumped him sooner.

His wife's family thought he was toxic enough to cause her cancer....for flip sake OP, that is some accusation to have levelled against you about the mother of his children.

Poor woman.

He is absolutely awful.

This is not on you.

Let him say whatever.

Just keep say "I'm just so thrilled to have him out of my life"...on a loop......no more explanation needed.

They like to keep people around in order to keep getting narcissistic supply from them (using them in whatever way benefits them basically). Don't be another one that hangs about as a 'friend'. This man isn't a friend to anyone. He's a phony and a nasty piece of work. I hope you don't entertain him if he tries to stay in touch.

Friends lift you up, all he does is drag people down. And he enjoys it!

Now he's gone you'll have space to fill with good people and genuine friendships instead :)

Oh and 'no' is a complete answer.

Do you want to catch up?
No
Can we meet to discuss things further?
No
Can't we stay in touch?
Heeeellll no.

He was looking for a Stepford Wife instead of a real human woman with thoughts and needs of her children own. Thank goodness you've escaped that fate - remind yourself of that every time you are inclined to feel any softness or charity towards him and don't consider anything which may put you back in danger. I wish you strength and a happier future. 🌹

of her children own = of her own. 🌹

My abuser's exes were all damaged/fucked up due to being divorced/single Mums apparently.

One had alcohol problems.

I was incapable of maintaining a relationship with him because I was "flaky".

I put up with 13 months of controlling, increasingly abusive behaviour before i ended it .. That's not flaky, that's somethin else (a sucker, foolish, unwise, poor boundaries, desperate etc etc).

I don't see him in a lasting relationship - going by SM - in the years since I ended it.

But it was all our faults, nothing to do with his behaviour.

These guys have this in common.

I keep helping people out with little things like a few elderly people I know I’ll run errands for and he hates it.

You're a kind, compassionate, good hearted person .... And he hates that.

Well, it's nice that he's showing himself up so clearly, like putting a "I'm a horrible bastard" stamp on his head.

That's the way I see it. After getting rid of a similar character, I imagined myself wearing a hat with a band around it that had the words 'FUCK YOU, PAL' on it and I used to repeat that to myself until I learned to say it out loud - 'Fuck you, pal'.

I don’t make his cuppas right - very annoying as how hard can it be

Are you a teasmaid machine??

If he doesn't like how you make tea, he could've made himself a fucking cup of tea then.

You misplace stuff. I misplaced stuff all the time.

So fkg what.

Big crimes these are.

Esp compared to an aggessive, nasty, bad tempered derogatory, foul mouthed abuser.

He wants a robot.

He dies not want s human being

He is not capable of a relationship with a human being

He needs to stop inflicting himself on women.

It's true everyone has flaws and difficult sides.

A relationship is a bit like a Venn Diagram - there's you, there's him, and there's the overlap = the relationship.

In this case, with this man, there will never be a healthy overlap (unless he changes) because -he- is not emotionally healthy.

So it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, in this case it's about him not you. That's kinda oddly hard to realise or believe sometimes because it means you were powerless to affect his behaviour, and we all want to think we have some degree of influence on our partners and actually we really don't like to think we are powerless. That's why with very abusive men like this, we change our behaviour - so that they will behave nicer. Unfortunately, they are way ahead and molding us into their, well, victim.

The path that this relationship was on, you were never going to win because he was in it to drag you down, criticise you, make you change, and hurt you. That's what he wanted. Ofc you didn't see it at first, but the temperature of the water was slowly heating up in his plan to boil you alive.

There's a lot of hate in him, isn't there?

Next time, lovely, get the fuck out sooner. This one's a learning experience. When you miss the nice-him, think about what he called you and how he behaved. Maybe be sad for the person he could have been, but isn't.

Btw, is he a psychologist?

is he a psychologist?

Interesting you ask that as the one I had was a psychologist.

it was the crap about 'realign her cognitive functioning' and the rest that made me wonder.

Some (luckily a minority) of the people who go into the psychologists/psychiatrists and sometimes the caring professions etc go into it because they are really, really messed up themselves!

Coincidentally I am suffering this now. Get out from it. It'll only get worse.

@DancesWithDucks I studied psychology and also noticed how messed up they can be. I wondered if some people start on that subject to see if they're sane or not and those who realise they are sane move on and those who aren't sure become psychologists.

Apologies to any psychologists here, I know they're not all the same but it was how things looked to me at the time.

'realign her cognitive functioning' - yeah, that sounds so pompous! Realign it with what? His demands, I'd imagine.

Yeah, and ofc he was the one to show her it was necessary eh ... in between nudging her behaviour through the nice/mean treatment.

I have a feeling that the scary people go into it because they've an interest in how the mind works, and sometimes a subterranean emotional wish to manipulate/ jerk people around. To influence them, and then get off on being destructive for one of several reasons. Perhaps not even really aware of it, certainly at the study stage. People at 20 very often don't really understand themselves and kind of grow into themselves later in their mid 30's. But that's only a suspicion and might be nonsense :) and it's a very broad generalization anyway

I agree @Vegemiteandhoneyontoast, for some it's a very useful weapon in their armoury of constructing their own somewhat shaky reality, then attempting to shape people to fit their little kingdom. Not all psych grads, but more than I care to think about. And far more men than women. People should be aware this is a thing.

One of the scariest psychos I've ever met had been a psychologist or therapist or something like that for 20 years. And a nasty twat I lived with once who was an overt narcissist and big time gaslighter was studying psychology in college.

I think any role where people are vulnerable attracts these sort. But especially areas where they could play with people's minds.

I've often wondered why so many people risk therapy. Recon there's got to be a 50/50 chance this person is actually not someone you'd want knowing your most intimate issues if you knew them in real life tbh. Think I'd rather just get a bunch of self help books.

Funny thing that they use the word 'respect'. That's exactly what happened with me today. I don't respect him enough. I'm sick of the bullshit now. Get out.

And far more men than women

Yes, @newnamethanks that was the case where I studied. The psychology department had, I think, five men and one woman. The men had gathered themselves into a tight little clique and treated the woman so atrociously I don't know how she put up with it or why she stayed. Without exception, the men were manipulative, conceited shitheads and they revelled in their behaviour. In the end, I came to despise them so much I changed subject.

The OP's ex sounds very similar.