Would You Leave If BF Called You A C**t

[Allycat78]

i want to start this thread to see what you ladies out there think. I’m divorced. My 2 sons are adults. Im 45, been seeing a guy for 18 months. Started off great as all relationships do. I haven’t moved in. Stay in my own place but see each other regularly. As time has gone on I’ve noticed him increasingly impatient with me and life in general. Maybe he just hid it at first. Never been violent or I’d be gone but he can get very angry verbally and mood swings. He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.
He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’
i know im far from perfect but I’ve never sworn at him or used this type of derogatory speech to him. He shouts. I don’t raise my voice.
Either im a terrible girlfriend for making him so mad or this is a relationship I need to end. Thoughts please.

I’m glad you can see this relationship is not good for you. Loving partners are not cruel and verbally abusive. Google ‘trauma bonding’ as it’s helpful to be aware of how contradictory behaviour like his can make it difficult to detach. In this kind of dynamic the abused person can be motivated to continue to find the ‘good’ side of their abuser when really the only answer is to disengage entirely. End it briefly then block him everywhere.

Yup this.

I’m glad it looks like you’ve realised ths is an unhealthy relationship. It is scary how people can change so subtly over a short period of time and you wonder who you got in a relationship with. I’m starting to date again and it makes me so wary.

I had a friend who would date terrible men but she’d be very verbally abusive to them in return. I always said to her if someone is that bad they’re driving you to lower yourself and use that terrible language you shouldn’t be with them.

So say if we believe what your partner is saying to be true - and I don’t - and you’re this awful person - Why is he sticking around?

I’ve been over and removed my things from his place. Now I’ll be having the discussion that it’s Splitsville. Thanks to everyone for encouraging me

I’m so glad you’re leaving this abusive, gaslighting bully, OP. Don’t let him wheedle you back. Happier times ahead.

When I’ve talked to him to say he’s changed and I feel he’s got lukewarm towards me, I’m simply told that all relationships have a honeymoon period and we are not 18 anymore and stop being juvenile and expecting too much. I stress him out with my demands and neediness!

Discussion?

Discussion also confused me.. why would it be a discussion . Sure for a divorce where kids involved. But 18 months don’t live together, that’s it’s over, thanks and bye

No discussion with ending relationship - I’m meaning discussions I’ve previously had with him

Please just end things.

You are only time away from being slapped.

Please look up the boiled frog analogy and do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It isn't normal to accept someone calling you such vile words.

He's a scummy thug.

He claims he would never lay a hand on a woman but then again I never thought I’d see these nasty sides of him verbally which are escalating so anything is possible. Thank you for the link. I will look into it.

Probably have given him leeway this far because hes ten years older and i was partially reasoning that it’s his age and our age gap.
Regardless it’s done and I thank everyone for input

Good call OP.
Wishing you well.

Well done OP, leaving is definitely the right call.

In 17 years my husband has never called me anything like that, ever. Even when I have been really annoying, which I don't doubt I have been at times over the years. I expect respect from him even when he's angry with me, and vice versa. He knows I'd be gone if he ever spoke to me like that.

Red alert! Red alert!

Why would anyone feel the need to SAY 'I would never hit a woman!'. It's something that should never need said.

If a man says this to you - he is actually telling you he would hit a woman. Or that he will hit you and then claim you made him do it and he'd never hit a woman 'normally' It's a huge red flag about what is coming in the future.

I swear op if a man ever, ever says to you 'I would never hit a woman', run.

You'll usually recognise it as the foreshaddowing (or even the outright threat) it is because you feel uncomfortable and uneasy about it when they say it. Even though you think 'oh well they are telling me they'd never do it'. They're actually not telling you that. And your body picks up on that.

Even if it was them reacting to news about a man hitting a woman, they'd say 'that's terrible' or 'I hope he gets jailed' ect... no normal guy would ever hit a woman so anyone that feels the need to point it out as if it makes them special, isn't normal.

One last point I’d like to add is that there was increased arguments because he wanted me to move in with him. Personally I like to have my place (which I rent) to retreat to but I have a son at home. I said in my initial post that my boys are adult and away from home however the youngest son is home. My eldest lives with his girlfriend and working hard and happy. My younger son will be 20 soon. Both boys stayed with me after the divorce. He’s working and pays his way, hardly see him as he goes to gym, plays sport, hangs with mates. I can’t move out while I’ve got him
at home. He doesn’t want to stay with his father and doesn’t have enough saved to move out. My bf (I guess ex bf now) was putting pressure to make my son find alternative accommodation and I move in with him. I can’t and won’t boot my son out just to shack up with him. He’s not quite 20 yet! He doesn’t want to be a mummy’s boy at home until he’s 30 but realistically isn’t in a position to live independently yet. I have a good bond with my son and not going to wreck it

One last point I’d like to add is that there was increased arguments because he wanted me to move in with him. Personally I like to have my place (which I rent) to retreat to but I have a son at home. I said in my initial post that my boys are adult and away from home however the youngest son is home. My eldest lives with his girlfriend and working hard and happy. My younger son will be 20 soon. Both boys stayed with me after the divorce. He’s working and pays his way, hardly see him as he goes to gym, plays sport, hangs with mates. I can’t move out while I’ve got him
at home. He doesn’t want to stay with his father and doesn’t have enough saved to move out. My bf (I guess ex bf now) was putting pressure to make my son find alternative accommodation and I move in with him. I can’t and won’t boot my son out just to shack up with him. He’s not quite 20 yet! He doesn’t want to be a mummy’s boy at home until he’s 30 but realistically isn’t in a position to live independently yet. I have a good bond with my son and not going to wreck it

You are not a terrible girlfriend. He just makes you seem this way. A woman who is being abused sometimes loses perspective and thinks it must be something that they are doing to bring this about. This is not the case. It is totally him.

I would suggest that you leave him and move on. Don’t take any more apologies or accept his behaviour. He is toxic and it will only get worse. You need to save yourself.

He HAS been shitty all along OP, he's just taken care to not let you see it until he's comfortable with relaxing into his real self. How much will she take? "Cunt". "Fucking Cunt" "Stupid Fucking Cunt Look What You've Made Me Do" you know how this goes OP. It's who he is. Lose him while you still can.

Let's see, I'm trying to stay awake, stumbled across this and got mildly curious enough to make a list of the stuff he's been saying:

1 when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him. (it's your fault, you need to change)

2 ‘are you fucking stupid’

3 ‘stop being a cunt.’

4 the weirdest girlfriend he’s ever had

5 You don’t show him enough respect

6 You're too demanding

7 You must have mental health issues

8 You're a toxic cunt

9 You're pathetic

10 You're slurring his character

11 the things about yourself which irritate him and trigger him would be deterrents for any male

12 You need to change

13 It's all in your head

14 you think in a queer/weird way

15 he has a way of making me feel.... I’m to blame and am too sensitive and a drama queen.

16 stop being juvenile and expecting too much.

17 you stress him out with my demands and neediness

18 He claims he would never lay a hand on a woman [no truly decent person would need to claim this. They just don't. He's thought about it, quite possibly done it].

19 putting pressure to make my son find alternative accommodation

So in other words, you are toxic, you don't appreciate him enough, you need to change or no one will want you, you're weird, stupid, must have mental health issues, you're slurring his character and oh by the way, he'd never hit you but you're a cunt, but dump your son and move in with him.

Thank god you're dumping him. Preferably in the local landfill, as a favour to all other women out there.

From a girl whos been called this many times by a man who was meant to love me, you deserve better. I am a kind caring person and that word is so unsuited for my character yet he called me it many times. He had a short temper emotionally. Blamed ne for every argument and if I dared bring up my feelings during the relationship he'd accuse me of winding him up and looking for a problem!

I find these men are emotionally stunted, often narcisstic and very very selfish. They lack communication and likely have a long history of exes and no more friends because they treat everyone the same.

You deserve alot better but I know it hurts when they have 2 so called sides x

This made me laugh - dump him in the local landfill. When you summarise it the way you have abc make a list, it puts things more into perspective.

Sorry you went through it.
yes it is hard when the person has a good side - or at least seemed to have a good side which was the draw card in the first place - so you get hooked but then becomes Jekyll and Hyde

Hello OP, I am stunned reading your posts. Stunned that you are still in this relationship and stunned that you are here asking us what we think. To me it is so clear that this man is an ashole, and that you should absolutely leave him.

I am newly divorced, had been separated for only two years and I am not looking for another relationship at all. My ex had sucked out all of my life energy and I am still recovering. If, however, I ever decide to have another partner I am going to set the bar very, very high this time. I love my freedom so much, that there is no way I would sacrifice it for just about anybody. That person has to be amazing, loving and caring, kind and funny, and absolutely the best.

Just like everyone else I say, RUN and do not look back!

This sounds like the kind of person who would pick the weakest child in his class to subtly/not so subtly bully or keep off balance until the victim became unsure whether they were really friend or foe. The sort of person who would tease and hurt his pet until they became very afraid of him.

I'm glad you've collected your belongings, that he has no keys to your home and I hope you do everything to distance yourself from the very unkind person he is. And he will be unkind once he's fully understood you are escaping him.

Do please be open to those in your life who love and care for you and will support you. 🌹