Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would You Leave If BF Called You A C**t

249 replies

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 12:20

i want to start this thread to see what you ladies out there think. I’m divorced. My 2 sons are adults. Im 45, been seeing a guy for 18 months. Started off great as all relationships do. I haven’t moved in. Stay in my own place but see each other regularly. As time has gone on I’ve noticed him increasingly impatient with me and life in general. Maybe he just hid it at first. Never been violent or I’d be gone but he can get very angry verbally and mood swings. He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.
He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’
i know im far from perfect but I’ve never sworn at him or used this type of derogatory speech to him. He shouts. I don’t raise my voice.
Either im a terrible girlfriend for making him so mad or this is a relationship I need to end. Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 05/09/2023 11:49

Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 11:22

I don’t listen properly because I might forget something he said just 24 hours before or I don’t respond quick enough to a question he’s asked so he hates dead air. I keep helping people out with little things like a few elderly people I know I’ll run errands for and he hates it. I won’t give up a female friend I’ve known 12 years and he hates her. I dislike handbags so I tend to misplace my phone and car keys despite being told by him to use a bag. I don’t make his cuppas right - very annoying as how hard can it be. I give too much of myself at work because sometimes I work a little bit overtime for no extra pay but I have pride in my work and other colleagues work hard too. I refuse to give up sugar altogether like he has and sinfully eat some chocolate or something sweet now and then.
Theres a long list. Most of what I say and do is wrong. And then of course the big things like being too needy and clingy apparently because I want a bit of physical affection. Irritating him by asking why he’s moody or withdrawn. Not knowing when to shut the f**k up when he’s tired and doesn’t want to be spoken to or engage in conversation especially if it’s relating to relationship concerns.

If all of these "faults" you supposedly have were actually true, do you really think he'd be so desperate to stay in a relationship with you?

He's putting you down to try and convince you that noone else will want you, because he's terrified you're going to end the relationship.

Don't let him mess your head up. Hes the fuck up, he's the one behaving terribly. You're ending the relationship because of his failings, not yours. You're not throwing away anything. You have decided that this relationship doesn't work for you, so you're ending it.

FairytaleOfLancashire · 05/09/2023 11:50

LTB

DoctorTeeCee · 05/09/2023 11:57

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 12:20

i want to start this thread to see what you ladies out there think. I’m divorced. My 2 sons are adults. Im 45, been seeing a guy for 18 months. Started off great as all relationships do. I haven’t moved in. Stay in my own place but see each other regularly. As time has gone on I’ve noticed him increasingly impatient with me and life in general. Maybe he just hid it at first. Never been violent or I’d be gone but he can get very angry verbally and mood swings. He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.
He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’
i know im far from perfect but I’ve never sworn at him or used this type of derogatory speech to him. He shouts. I don’t raise my voice.
Either im a terrible girlfriend for making him so mad or this is a relationship I need to end. Thoughts please.

Run. For. The. Hills.

threecupsofteaminimum · 05/09/2023 11:59

Good god, fuck that. Please tell us you've banned him. Flowers

threecupsofteaminimum · 05/09/2023 11:59

Binned*

threecupsofteaminimum · 05/09/2023 12:00

Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 11:45

I have ended the relationship. I was asked what things I was doing wrong in his opinion and I gave a summary of what he reckoned I was doing wrong as well as things he said to me when angry

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 12:04

I do acknowledge that everyone has bad sides. Ive certainly got mine and it takes two to make and break a relationship. If he was the one posting on here, I’d look like the villain I’m sure. Everyone has good points too and he has his which is why I was so drawn to him and stayed this long.
All I know is that it’s not working as he’s cranky with me more often than ever and swearing and raiding his voice and saying derogatory things often. I tried to communicate and discuss this to no avail. Nothing is improving so it makes sense to walk away

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 05/09/2023 12:10

Well done OP for ending things. My ex used to tell me that no one else would put up with me because I am so difficult. In fact Mumsnet is full of difficult women 😂so we are in good company.

I think posts like yours are so important OP they give you moral support and hopefully help other women realise that they are being mistreated and that they don’t deserve it.

Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 12:10

I did yesterday

OP posts:
Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 12:13

Yes thank you. Most posts have been encouraging that I’m not being overly sensitive and dramatic because the behaviours are not healthy and acceptable. I was starting to think I’m defective and an awful girlfriend because I can’t get anything right

OP posts:
emmylousings · 05/09/2023 12:15

No, not acceptable. I have what some describe as a direct communication style, but I wouldn't speak to anyone I cared about like that and wouldn't accept it from anyone. I expect it will get worse if you put up with it.

Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 12:19

I’ve lashed out at my sons at times especially as teenagers but I felt awful. It wasn’t bad like calling C word but I’d say things in frustration then always say sorry after because I knew I was wrong and I hate hurting people I care about. That’s my point - if you say something nasty, go apologise, admit the mistake. But if you never say sorry and don’t feel bad, there’s clearly no love or respect which is the case here with me and this man

OP posts:
threecupsofteaminimum · 05/09/2023 12:26

Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 12:19

I’ve lashed out at my sons at times especially as teenagers but I felt awful. It wasn’t bad like calling C word but I’d say things in frustration then always say sorry after because I knew I was wrong and I hate hurting people I care about. That’s my point - if you say something nasty, go apologise, admit the mistake. But if you never say sorry and don’t feel bad, there’s clearly no love or respect which is the case here with me and this man

This is completely normal behaviour though.

Bravo on getting rid of the abusive gaslighting arsehole. I hope you're feeling better, are you feeling ok?

Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 12:32

I’m mixed emotions. You fall in love with someone and yes the problems dampen the love but it’s still there and there’s been good times. You get used to having someone again. If I have moments in future where I’ll be down especially if I see him out, I’ll just remind myself of the horrible times and how awful it feels when being put down and shouted at and sworn at

OP posts:
Cotonsugar · 05/09/2023 12:33

The real side of someone’s personality will always show itself eventually. This man is a big line of red flags. It’s not your fault if he gets annoyed, his problem and he should be treating you with respect. Move on and find someone who is worthy of your love.
Just seen that you have ended it. Well done😊

Janieforever · 05/09/2023 12:47

I always remember a friend and I were discussing another friend on line dating. I commented that he was really into his new partner, to his closest female friend. That hopefully she was the one. And she said.

“it’s too early, it’s only after about 2 years you see the real them, and all the badness comes out, especially as they only see each other at weekends etc. “

and I think that’s very true. Might not be two years exacr, but the message of once you get over the honey moon period and they stop being on their best behaviour you start to see the real them. And sometimes the real them isn’t something uou should have in your life at all. As in this case.

Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 12:54

This is so true. I did say to him I wish things could go back to how they were in the earlier months and he told me suck it up and get over it - I’m living in la-la land if I think it’s going to be honeymoon period forever

OP posts:
Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 05/09/2023 13:00

I'm so glad you've told this loser where to go, OP, you're well rid of him.

threecupsofteaminimum · 05/09/2023 13:01

With all the respect, you fell in love with a rose tinted version of the best part of him. The reality, please remember is not a very nice person at all. Stay strong. X

Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 13:15

On reflection early into the relationship he was running his ex sister in law down. He blamed her for getting into his wifes head to leave him and move away. He told me she had gone so far as to blame him for his ex wife ending up with cancer (she beat the cancer). There must’ve been some awful behaviours there for the SIL to say he’s to blame for his exes bad health.

OP posts:
OhYeahyeahyeah · 05/09/2023 13:28

Yes, I'd end it immediately.
You deserve to be treated better than that OP, leave before he runs you into the ground completely Flowers

billy1966 · 05/09/2023 13:40

OP, no one is perfect, no one doesn't ever have a bad day.

But that list of criticisms of you is so awful.

For his SIL to say he caused cancer in his wife is huge insight to the dogs life he gave her and his dreadful treatment of her.

Of course he couldn't keep up his falseness....it always leaks out.

Block him and be done.

You deserve so much better.

Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 13:40

I have ended it

OP posts:
Original poster
Allycat78 · 05/09/2023 13:45

They were married 18 years, 3 kids together. I’m sure she would’ve seen similar bad sides to what I’ve been seeing but maybe he wasn’t as bad back then or she’d have left sooner. I’ll never know and I guess it’s not my business but In 13 years since they divorced he hasn’t had a live in girlfriend or a relationship that’s lasted more than 12 months except with me. Probably still loves his ex wife but that’s sailed long ago

OP posts:
TheGirlFromTomorrow · 05/09/2023 14:21

This is so familiar!

I can see you're still questioning yourself to some extent and coming up with defences for your behaviour and carefully examining your mistakes. This is obviously a sign of your maturity, but be careful you don't do too much ruminating. He wants you to question yourself and tie yourself up in knots. It's his attempt at obfuscation. You go to him with an issue with his behaviour and the next thing you find yourself defending your own. That's perfect for him. The good thing about breaking up with him is that you can stick all this pondering in the fuck it bucket. He's a bad egg - that's what has happened here.

I very much relate to the jarring sensation of being single again. I really thought I'd found a partner too, even though I had been happy without one. It was hard to grieve because I could see he was rotten through and that I needed to get away, but my brain was going through cognitive dissonance. Where was the man I got to know initially?? It's easy to detach but it's harder to avoid the confusion and sadness.

I really have to thank you for starting this thread. It's helped me too, to have this confirmation in black and white. I still have the odd little thought that maybe I should have tried harder and this has thoroughly put that to bed for me. I really hope it does the same for you.

You look after yourself. And bloody congratulations from me on being strong and standing up for yourself! 🌺