Would You Leave If BF Called You A C**t

[Allycat78]

i want to start this thread to see what you ladies out there think. I’m divorced. My 2 sons are adults. Im 45, been seeing a guy for 18 months. Started off great as all relationships do. I haven’t moved in. Stay in my own place but see each other regularly. As time has gone on I’ve noticed him increasingly impatient with me and life in general. Maybe he just hid it at first. Never been violent or I’d be gone but he can get very angry verbally and mood swings. He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.
He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’
i know im far from perfect but I’ve never sworn at him or used this type of derogatory speech to him. He shouts. I don’t raise my voice.
Either im a terrible girlfriend for making him so mad or this is a relationship I need to end. Thoughts please.

He’s gotten worse mainly in past 3 months so I’m not sticking around to see if it gets any worse which probably will

Me and my partner call each other cunts all the time... but in just a banter way. If he said it aggressively like with hatred I wouldn't be happy

He's abusive as fuck.

Anyone telling you they treat you badly because you 'annoy them' are scumballs trying to make you feel you deserve to be treated badly.

He is gaslighting you. Trying to make you feel you have no right to call him out on his bad behaviour. This is what abusers do. They try to convince you that you are oversensitive/crazy or not entitled to feel the way you do about their nastiness.

They make you doubt yourself. Because if you think you might be the problem, you stay, trying to change yourself in order to change the relationship. Instead of running for the fucking Hills like you should!

Ps: any man that starts telling you you need to respect him more...is a mysoginist. What he actually means is not 'respect' its worship. He sees you a lesser than him. An object only there for his amusement.

Tf you don't live with him!

Read up on narcissistic abuse once you are free. Subjects like 'the cycle of abuse', 'gaslighting', 'lundy bankrofts 9 types of abuser' may also be useful to read about. As will 'the smear campaign of the narcissist' and 'narcissistic hoovering' as they will likely do these 2 things when you leave. Forewarned is forearmed.

Doctor ramani does good videos on YouTube on narcissists. Do not let him see you watching these. Never use the word narcissist when talking to him as...these sort reverse it into you. Just learn in your own time.

To answer your question: yes. 100%. The first time he swore at me it would be the end.

Why are you still with him?

Ps: stay safe! It is absolutely ok to break up by phone. Don't be convinced that you 'owe' him an in person meet. Or any more chances. You don't. And it's not safe.

Have a friend or family member drop round any of his things or post them to him recorded delivery. If he's ever had a key to your home change the locks.

Take no chances!
Good luck.
Maybe let us know how it goes.

Thank you. No he hasn’t keys to my place. I have keys to his as that’s where we meet because he prefers his home to mine because it’s bigger and better

I appreciate all the links and help and advice

Good luck @Allycat78 stay safe.

Good luck OP, stay strong!

A no brainer. Finish the relationship asap.

I’m still quite worried about your thinking here @Allycat78. You do seem quite vulnerable. And not at all angry enough at this abusive cunt of a man. I worry you’ll be easily talked round…

Hell yes would I leave if I was called that but in this case I think I would have left long before that happened. He's showing you he really is.

No I don’t think so. I’m not dependent on him as have my own home and it’s not like I have to have a man in my life. Quite ok single. I am disappointed of course as did fall in love with him but the ‘him’ he was at the start

My way of objectively measuring is this:

Would I do or say that to him? If it's a total "no" then I would leave. Id never ever call dp a c**t not in a million years. I'd have to really disrespect and hate someone to be SO rude. That's how he feels about you. LTB

Ah so you’re the worst, it’s your fault, you’re barely loveable, so you should be grateful for whatever shit he offers
and anytime he’s foul to you, you should understand you made him do it by being your unloveable self?
also you are not showing him the respect he deserves.

if that was all true, he’d be a bit odd to stay with you wouldn’t he?

This man is trying to abuse you, so you question your worth and put up with the way he wants to treat you. Well done for deciding to leave but I also think you should think about your boundaries and self esteem going forwards, it would be good if you being spoken to like this once was enough, and you had the confidence or self esteem to know yourself, straight away that’s not how you want to be or should be treated.

Well either you're a terrible person, insane, weird, stupid, demanding, full of defects, a cunt, irritating, pathetic, not worthy of any relationship, and should shut the fuck up and respect him

or

You're a perfectly normal human who is being targeted by a manipulative abuser who is playing with your mind with the intention of causing you harm.

Which is it?

If you decide it's the former no-one will be able to help you until you change your mind.
If you decide it's the latter then stick with that decision to end the relationship now.

End it 💯 and quickly.

He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’

Why would someone who acts like this (and I haven't even included the full description of his behaviour" bexa good judge of relationships, other people or what people need to be to have a successful relationship?

He is incapable of acting decently in a relationship, if he were a decent guy and he was genuinely frustrated or annoyed or thought you weren't compatible, he'd say so tactfully and end the relationship. But he doesn't - he's verbally abusive to quite an extreme extent, doeshlnt end it and uses all the old well.used abuser lines & manipulations 'youre weird, youre crazy, you're at fault, you're ABC".
So how's he a good judge of anything in a relationship..... His own behaviour is crazy. He had terrible interpersonal and communication skills. Terrible self regulation. Hes a walking cliche of a text book abuser.

Who's he to judge anything??

I had this ... I got together with an easygoing, laid back, positive, "gets on with everyone", supportive, encouraging, admiring, kind etc man.

I finished with a dementor 13 months later. He starred showing it a bit at around 3/4 months and it got worse and worse and worse. The real him was what emerged - not the best behaviour mask at the start.
He also said I was ABC; it was clear I wasn't what he was looking for, I didn't make him happy; yet he would not end it, even when I ended it, he was trying to keep on seeing each other ..... He knew he wasn't going to get much different or better. But he would neither end it, nor stop abusing me.

This man knows the same, he's not going to get different or better, there's nothing wrong with you. He's just trying to head fuck you to think you should change .... so he doesn't have to have the slightest kickback to his selfishness, rudeness etc. So he doesn't have to find a new woman and start from the beginning again.
Don't let him mould you into a beaten down door mat. He's shit relationship material. A really horrible verbal and mental abuser & gas lighter.

My bf before my husband verbally abused me before he tried to strangle me. Do not see this man again. He doesn't like you let alone love you. 45 is fabulously young. Your sons would be horrified.
Block him, return his keys and tell him to fuck off.

He's wrong. DH and I have never spoken that way to each other in 5 years together. We don't treat each other like that because we like and respect each other.

Get rid. You are better than that.

Hes showing his true colours. Don’t put up with it.

He sounds like a charming gentleman. Get rid.

He made a comment that all couples get the shits with each other

They do occasionally.

They don't call each extremely other derogatory names and tell each other to fuck off etc etc though.
They don't essentially call the other one mental and dysfunctional though.

He's trying to.vlaim his level of nastiness is normal.

It isn't.

Honestly get rid, he's so unlikely to change.

You have no ties to him

Even just a decent person wouldn't behave like that to another person, they wouldnt even have to particularly like and respect them.

The insidious gas lighting and brain washing about you having mental issues and you having to change and how you'd have problems in any relationship ...... Pretty disturbing, (and on top of the rudeness and verbal.aggession and disrespect etc.)

It's also pretty ironic given he's describing himself.