Would You Leave If BF Called You A C**t

[Allycat78]

i want to start this thread to see what you ladies out there think. I’m divorced. My 2 sons are adults. Im 45, been seeing a guy for 18 months. Started off great as all relationships do. I haven’t moved in. Stay in my own place but see each other regularly. As time has gone on I’ve noticed him increasingly impatient with me and life in general. Maybe he just hid it at first. Never been violent or I’d be gone but he can get very angry verbally and mood swings. He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.
He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’
i know im far from perfect but I’ve never sworn at him or used this type of derogatory speech to him. He shouts. I don’t raise my voice.
Either im a terrible girlfriend for making him so mad or this is a relationship I need to end. Thoughts please.

I'd be off.

I hope you're alright tonight @Allycat78 It must all have been rather shaking.

Thanks all. Have gained insights and encouragement from the posts and everyone’s time
Have a feeling he would try draw me back in but definitely won’t accept

I think he probably will. Have you blocked him just in case?

Mine sent me a long list of insults, then started begging for another chance through every possible channel, saying he'd change. I spoke to him at one point and he spent most of it yelling at me, slamming the phone down repeatedly, criticising my behaviour even though his had been truly execrable, and telling me again that he only called me a cunt because I was acting like one. So no, definitely no change there 😂

Unsurprisingly, I didn't go back!

I have found myself feeling sorry for him at times, but I think that's me gaslighting myself. It can be genuinely hard to accept very poor behaviour as a reality sometimes, especially when you have a lot of time to think on it. And when you're someone who will readily admit your mistakes, it can be equally hard to accept that other people would rather spend the rest of their lives blaming others unfairly.

Haven’t blocked him yet but if he starts any nonsense I’ll do it immediately.

He already said over the phone that I am too negative so basically due to my negativity and apparent fatalistic views - I’ve created the relationship problems

I just have one more question if anyone wants to put an opinion - if you notice a bfs behaviour changing and ask if they’re cheating and they lose their sh*t at you and threaten to dump you instead of reassuring you - does this mean they’re up to no good

I work at womens aid and this is abuse. You can find women's aid number online, theyll explain why it's abusive behaviour. Apart from hating the C word...anyone swears at me like that, im outta there. No excuses. Hes an arse OP.

It was certainly the case with my ex husband!

Id dump them instead. Hes controlling and an arse OP. You can dump him anyway you want, but preferably by text so you can have your say for once without being interrupted. He's an abuser. Then block him straight after so you cant read his reply. Please get rid hes an assclown. Go no contact

I have ended it. Because he cannot communicate properly and even if he thinks it’s all my fault, I don’t want to be with someone who hurts my feelings without any apology and gets nastier when I’m upset. It has been on my mind though if there’s another woman to blame for his coldness

Im sorry its ended but youve done the right thing, its very brave, that will save you so much heartache. My goodness, you deserve so much better. Having interest in another woman usually changes their behaviour, could be acting like an AC and cold or being really attentive through guilt. Let her have him seriously. God help her. She will need it if she accepts the challenge...its a game to him. Block him. He will try to contact you.. you dont need it. All the best and well done...youve just taken the power back from him...in one swoop 😊

Some people don’t care who they lose. They’re happy to replace the ones they lose, plenty of supply out there because they just want something superficial and casual as they lack the decency to invest more than bare minimum time and effort into another human.
Oddly enough he has a close bond with his kids.

I believe it’s verbal abuse. He said I mustn’t trigger him then he won’t need to get angry and say these things

Oh yes...i thought this when my ex went...but tbh we think theres ready supply to them, and there is, you're right, but, he will end up treating them exactly the same after the love bombing stage has passed. Thing is too, what we forget when we are heartbroken and been trodden over by these men, is that we have onus over our dating, successful dating. We now know what we dont want. Your ex will just rinse and repeat and tbf probably end up a misogynistic incel or something similar because he cant take the piss with women anymore xx

Its mental abuse. Gaslighting. The whole shebang. Well rid x

I know I wouldn’t want to grow old alone but that’s the probable outcome of anyone who doesn’t treat a partner with genuine love and care.

Ironic though that someone can be shitty in a relationship yet be a doting parent

Kids are moldable...even if adult kids, hes probably had all their lives to mold them into his ideals .They couldnt escape it. You have x

Also theyll lord it over women that theyre a great dad to snare them in x

Oh yea, a great dad.

So great their mum's family hold him responsible for her cancer🙄.

Don't kid yourself that they will be immune to that.

Completely agree with @Loubelle70 I would agree it's a facade that suits his narrative.

Like my ex husband. Was always half hearted with the kids especially after the split. But on the odd occasion he sees them he’s putting photos all over social media as if he’s a doting dad

I suppose it depends on context.

Like if we're coasting along happily and all of a sudden my partner is like 'you've been behaving didderently lately, are you cheating?' I might lose my shit too xD like, where the fuck did that come from?

But if you said 'you've been texting someone late at night and you've been more distant with me lately and some other stuff and I feel like you're pulling away and can't help but wonder if there might be someone else...'

I'd be like 'ahhhh.. I see how that looks! I'm so sorry I've made you feel like that even be a possibility. Of course I'm not, I love you'.
Basically a person who loves you tries to understand you and put themselves in your shoes. They have the emotional intelligence to understand why you might be feeling the way you are. They will then explain these things if possible. Eg: 'my best friend is going through some things with his gf atm hense the late night texts' and attempt to tackle the other relationship issues with you moving forwards. Open, honest, working together.

BUT an abuser will jump straight to 'you're crazy!'. And not be intetested in the fact that you have perfectly rational reasons to feel the way you do. They'll make out it's all your problem, in your head. They may even turn it round in you, implying you are or have been unfaithful. Or bringing up times where you have apparently wronged them or made them feel bad or unloved.
Or, storm off.
(But just to note, again, disclaimer, if this accusation is really direct and appears to come from nowhere, many people would storm off - as its rather an insulting thing to ask. That's why context and phrasing is key).

When dating abusers, you feel like you're the only one who ever tries to understand them. That you're constantly trying to understand them better and - make your own opinions easy for them to understand. Constantly explaining yourself and trying to prove your love/loyalty/goodness/worth or whatever it is.

Be aware however that abusers may constantly accuse you of cheating (often because - they are).

And having to accuse anybody of cheating In a relationship, likely marks the beginning of the end anyway. Because there's no trust there for some reason.

100% abuser.

Nothing is a clearer sign.

It doesn't matter what you do, what you didn't do. He's an abuser, and Im not sure you see that clearly yet.

His behaviour is HIS responsibility.

If you were such a dreadful person that your behaviour brought out these reactions in him, the responsible thing for HIM to do is walk away.

and even if he thinks it’s all my fault, I don’t want to be with someone who hurts my feelings without any apology and gets nastier when I’m upset.

Lovely, what he thinks is actually not your concern. It doesn't matter what he thinks; you can't realistically hope for his liking and approval. That you do, that he elicited these feelings in you, mean that either he was already doing a number on you or that in a nice way, you need to stop worrying a little bit less what others think of you (admittedly that's hard when it's someone you love!)