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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would You Leave If BF Called You A C**t

249 replies

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 12:20

i want to start this thread to see what you ladies out there think. I’m divorced. My 2 sons are adults. Im 45, been seeing a guy for 18 months. Started off great as all relationships do. I haven’t moved in. Stay in my own place but see each other regularly. As time has gone on I’ve noticed him increasingly impatient with me and life in general. Maybe he just hid it at first. Never been violent or I’d be gone but he can get very angry verbally and mood swings. He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.
He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’
i know im far from perfect but I’ve never sworn at him or used this type of derogatory speech to him. He shouts. I don’t raise my voice.
Either im a terrible girlfriend for making him so mad or this is a relationship I need to end. Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 03/09/2023 14:27

Every new comment just makes me want you to dump this abusing dickhead!

Sloth66 · 03/09/2023 14:27

Sounds like he hates you. Vile

Errolwasahero · 03/09/2023 14:30

Yep. He’s totally interested in another woman, probably having an affair. And gaslighting you into feeling like you’re a shit gf and not worth anyone’s time. You should basically be grateful for his attention.

good luck in your new life, you’ll be much happier x

KatsWhiskas · 03/09/2023 14:30

KatsWhiskas · 03/09/2023 12:43

He's shown his true colours as a misogynist by using that word, also that he's using his temper as a way to control you.

The only way he'll stop is if you show him it's completely unacceptable - by having nothing further to do with him. Full stop.

Of course, don't wait around to see if he changes or not - just leave!

There are men out there who do respect women, don't verbally abuse with sexist language or use their temper to control!

Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:30

100% my thoughts. I actually told him when he’s going off at me it’s like he actually hates me. Apparently that’s all in my head though and only someone with my queer thinking would assume that he hates me

OP posts:
TheGirlFromTomorrow · 03/09/2023 14:31

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:26

He says that the things about myself which irritate him and trigger him would be deterrents for any male. Basically I need to change or I’ll have issues in any relationship.

I heard those exact words. This is an attempt to destroy your confidence, so every time you do something he doesn't like or say something he doesn't want to hear, you're then so beaten down that you'll accept that you're the problem and you deserve everything you get for your insolence. He wants you to make yourself as small and compliant as possible so he can be Big Cheese who rules over you.

Don't bother trying to explain yourself to him. He'll only sink to new depths in order to control you. Quietly pack up anything you have at his house, leave, and then block him on everything because he WILL get nasty and then try love bombing you to get you back.

Suckingalemon · 03/09/2023 14:33

He's not going to change, so you'll have to accept he's going to get increasingly abusive.

Or not, and get shot of him.

gamerchick · 03/09/2023 14:34

You know when you read yet another thing like this on here and feel tired?

Seriously OP. While you're mulling over it, next time he says one of these abusive things, just walk away and don't look back. It's like a form of self harm every time you go back for more.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/09/2023 14:35

As a one off no,
but he’s doing it as a regular thing, so yes I would end it.
life’s too short to be verbally abused

Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:36

He’s out of town at moment visiting family. He wanted me to come with but I refused as there’s been too many conflicts lately so I just told a lie I’m too busy at work. Really I needed this time to get my thoughts in order, get clarity and make a decision. His words and behaviour have been upsetting me and now I’ve had all these posts proving his behaviour is unacceptable - it’s clear I need to end it which I will as now he’s away is perfect opportunity

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 03/09/2023 14:36

Of course he doesn't love you. Nor does he like or respect.

Seriously, what is stopping you from ending this hideous relationship??

Divorceguilt · 03/09/2023 14:38

Definitely end it, this is black and white situation

Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:39

Nothing especially now I’ve had moral support from all these posts

OP posts:
Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco · 03/09/2023 14:39

He sounds awful, making you think that nobody else would 'put up with you'. My ex H called me a c#nt, in the process of divorce, on my doorstep in earshot of our children. If I ever needed reason to confirm I was doing the right thing...

tsmainsqueeze · 03/09/2023 14:39

'decent man' - no he's not a decent man !!!
a decent man would not call you vile words or treat you as you describe , really you do not need to ask a bunch of strangers , dump him today and look to a nicer future .

Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:40

Yes. Being single beats being with the wrong person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:46

He’s the only guy I’ve dated in 4 years since the divorce. I am happy single and I’m not lost if I don’t have a boyfriend.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/09/2023 14:46

Well done for seeing the red flags for what they were

You deserve better than that.

gamerchick · 03/09/2023 14:49

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:36

He’s out of town at moment visiting family. He wanted me to come with but I refused as there’s been too many conflicts lately so I just told a lie I’m too busy at work. Really I needed this time to get my thoughts in order, get clarity and make a decision. His words and behaviour have been upsetting me and now I’ve had all these posts proving his behaviour is unacceptable - it’s clear I need to end it which I will as now he’s away is perfect opportunity

Thank god.

Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:54

It might seem ridiculous I’ve needed outsiders opinions in this to reinforce a decision but he has a way of making me feel that this is either normal and acceptable behaviour on his part or I’m to blame and am too sensitive and a drama queen.

OP posts:
Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco · 03/09/2023 15:00

Trust your instincts, he will only get worse the longer you are together.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/09/2023 15:01

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:54

It might seem ridiculous I’ve needed outsiders opinions in this to reinforce a decision but he has a way of making me feel that this is either normal and acceptable behaviour on his part or I’m to blame and am too sensitive and a drama queen.

It’s very common for abusive men to deny confidence enough to make you doubt yourself. It’s how they get away with i

gamerchick · 03/09/2023 15:01

Yeah,. abusive men are good at that. Just be ready to see his full blown true colours. He'll either love bomb the crap out of you or he'll turn nasty. Horrible man.

Houseplantmad · 03/09/2023 15:03

He’s laying the groundwork for worse. Get rid

Missingmyusername · 03/09/2023 15:04

Get out now, before it escalates to physical violence.

Would you let a friend call you a cunt?

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