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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would You Leave If BF Called You A C**t

249 replies

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 12:20

i want to start this thread to see what you ladies out there think. I’m divorced. My 2 sons are adults. Im 45, been seeing a guy for 18 months. Started off great as all relationships do. I haven’t moved in. Stay in my own place but see each other regularly. As time has gone on I’ve noticed him increasingly impatient with me and life in general. Maybe he just hid it at first. Never been violent or I’d be gone but he can get very angry verbally and mood swings. He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.
He’s been throwing in names and slurs when angry more recently and telling me to fuck off and name calling. Says things like ‘are you fucking stupid’ and ‘stop being a cunt.’
i know im far from perfect but I’ve never sworn at him or used this type of derogatory speech to him. He shouts. I don’t raise my voice.
Either im a terrible girlfriend for making him so mad or this is a relationship I need to end. Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 03/09/2023 13:10

Oh op. What are you doing?

once They start abusing you it just gets worse. He’s looking at you behind his eyes knowing no matter how much he abuses you , you cling on and take it. Thinks you’re so desperate you will take it. Any respect is gone fast, as they don’t respect you for it. What does it matter if he loves you or not. He doesn’t love or respect you enough not to abuse you.

I don’t know where your self esteem is, but you need to end it.

LylaLee · 03/09/2023 13:12

It takes about 18 months for the mask to drop.

That's why it's best practice not to get pregnant or make any life-altering decisions in that timeframe, like move a long distance away.

Janieforever · 03/09/2023 13:12

Singleandproud · 03/09/2023 13:04

@Allycat78 I suspect you are an 'older' more experienced woman who wont do as they are told and won't let him do what he wants or treat them like rubbish. He is probably an abuser as the facade his dropped over several months and can't control you the way he wants he is turning it back on you. Either way he sounds like an arse and you will be far better without him.

The real question though is why have you put up with it, is it your first relationship in a while or do you have a history of dating shitty men? If the latter I believe Womens Aid do a course to help identify abusive men.

Ditch him today.

Well clearly she’s not. She’s letting him do exactly what he wants and treating her like shit.

AhNowTed · 03/09/2023 13:13

Already after a mere 18 months.

I will only get worse.

Honestly get rid of this arsehole.

Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 13:17

He made a comment that all couples get the shits with each other and just because he gets annoyed with me doesn’t mean he loves me any less. It’s mixed messages though and contradictory. Can’t tell me one minute that I’m a toxic c*nt, then next minute tell me he loves me. i am glad I have my own home and can walk away without difficulty

OP posts:
1983Louise · 03/09/2023 13:18

Know your worth, he's only behaving this way because you let him, end it and be happy single for a while.........

Opentooffers · 03/09/2023 13:22

Do you believe his assessment of you? Doesn't sound like it. He's gaslighting you into thinking it is your problem and your MH that is the issue, and not his. Classic transference. If he hasn't already, he will then claim you are lucky to have him as your 'weirdness' means that no-one else will want you. If you are starting to think he's right, his tricks are already working, get out before you lose yourself.

Singleandproud · 03/09/2023 13:23

@Janieforever They haven't been together long and he's poor behaviour has only started recently, OP has recognized it and asked for advice, I thinks shes got the measure of him and just sense checking, she knows the answer just takes some time to get there especially if she doesnt see him often and put the first few times down to him being stressed etc.

Janieforever · 03/09/2023 13:25

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 13:17

He made a comment that all couples get the shits with each other and just because he gets annoyed with me doesn’t mean he loves me any less. It’s mixed messages though and contradictory. Can’t tell me one minute that I’m a toxic c*nt, then next minute tell me he loves me. i am glad I have my own home and can walk away without difficulty

So will you?

Hibiscrubbed · 03/09/2023 13:27

Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 13:17

He made a comment that all couples get the shits with each other and just because he gets annoyed with me doesn’t mean he loves me any less. It’s mixed messages though and contradictory. Can’t tell me one minute that I’m a toxic c*nt, then next minute tell me he loves me. i am glad I have my own home and can walk away without difficulty

Do you have terribly low self-esteem? Why are you putting up with this?

He never sees his fault in anything and when we have a tiff, he says it’s my fault because I piss him off and need to make more effort to not annoy him.

He’s a misogynistic, abusive piece of shit. Why on earth are you still with him? He’s awful.

Sparkletastic · 03/09/2023 13:27

Why are you even considering staying with him? End it and don't get into another relationship until you've worked on your self-esteem and boundaries.

DesertIslandHereICome · 03/09/2023 13:30

What a gentleman you have there, l respect myself so no l don't surround myself with men like this. Really ugly behaviour.

Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 03/09/2023 13:37

Ugh, he sounds awful. I had one of these once and he also tried to convince me I had mental health issues. I'd voice an opinion and he'd laugh and say, 'Yes, that's because you're insane'. He was one of the meanest, most selfish people I've ever met, but I was young, naive and used to being treated badly so thought that's what relationships were like. When I met my now OH, he was so lovely I couldn't quite believe it, but nearly 40 years on he's still lovely. There are decent men out there.

@Allycat78 raise your bar, you can do better than this turd.

Purrrrrdy · 03/09/2023 13:38

Me and my husband been together a long time and have had some humdinger arguments.
Never has he called me by any name and I have to say, anyone who called me a cunt would be out of my life 30 seconds later.

Listentothisonce · 03/09/2023 13:39

Abuse is abuse. And this is abuse.
You deserve better

Eve223 · 03/09/2023 13:40

End it now. Before you get more committed to him and a lifetime of misery.

Absolutelynotfor2019 · 03/09/2023 13:41

Janieforever · 03/09/2023 12:32

What’s the back story op, how did you end up in this position where you don’t know the answer and need to ask? Why are you with a man who abuses you and still there?

the question isn’t what should I do, the answer to that is clear, end it and run. The question is why don’t you know this and why haven’t you?

This !

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 03/09/2023 13:42

I would and I have.

I'm so sorry you had to listen to that. No, you don't make him angry he has to say nasty things. You don't make him do anything.

Mine had the same great excuses as well. Apparently it was just a word, all couples fight, it didn't mean anything to him so it shouldn't matter to me, and of course, he wouldn't have had to call me a cunt if I hadn't been acting like one.

He has zero respect for you and he actively wants to hurt you. Whether he's convinced himself he loves you or not, don't believe a word of it. You don't viciously attack someone you love.

Good riddance to him.

MontezumasPuma · 03/09/2023 13:43

Get rid. He’s an abusive arse and it won’t get any better.

xyz111 · 03/09/2023 13:44

Even if you were "annoying", in a relationship the person is meant to want to be with you for who you are. You aren't meant to change who you are. So if he doesn't like it, then it's not the relationship for you. Even if again you were "annoying", no one deserves to be called a c**t

Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 13:45

Yes!

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 03/09/2023 13:46

DuesToTheDirt · 03/09/2023 13:09

he doesn’t love me. If he did, he wouldn’t be so disrespectful

I think you're wrong here. "Loving you" and "being respectful" are separate things, and he should be respectful whether he loves you or not. Name-calling does show that he's a sorry specimen of a human being, which is enough to ditch him.

I don’t think it’s possible to truly love someone if you have no respect for them

Devilsmommy · 03/09/2023 13:53

Tell him he's the cunt and then leave him to his cunty self😠

Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:24

with his moods I did ask him if there’s another woman he’s interested in and he told me I’m pathetic and it’s a slur on his character to accuse him of nefarious things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allycat78 · 03/09/2023 14:26

He says that the things about myself which irritate him and trigger him would be deterrents for any male. Basically I need to change or I’ll have issues in any relationship.

OP posts:
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