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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like I’m with a monster

199 replies

Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 19:28

Please don’t judge me, I know what he is and I am going to make plans to leave him. He was nothing like this when I first met him, if I knew he had this in him I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him.

We have 2 DC. DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2.5. We suspect DS2 is autistic and have been told to expect a diagnosis for him in the future.

Long story short, he (not calling him dp) was upstairs getting changed from his work uniform into his football kit. Surely this takes like 5 minutes max? But no, he was still upstairs 25 minutes later. This is nothing new, I am used to him taking the piss. After coming into the living room from making the kids tea, I see that DS2 has broken the lamp. I shout up to DP to tell him, he comes running down the stairs, hits DS2 on the bum that hard he goes flying. Then he starts screaming at me saying it’s my fault for not watching him. But how can I when the kids wanted their tea? I told him I can’t be in two places at once and that if he wasn’t sitting upstairs on his phone he could have been watching dc and the lamp wouldn’t have been broken.

He left for football around half an hour ago and I told him not to come back. He texted me 10 minutes ago saying he feels horrible but he’s stressed and things shouldn’t be broken. I have the kids 24/7, I’m stressed too but I’ve never reacted like that. And things shouldn’t be broken no but try teaching that to a child who can’t communicate.

I have seen another side to him tonight that I hate. How dare he act how he did😞

OP posts:
AmazingSnakeHead · 01/09/2023 09:11

Blackscrackleanddrag · 01/09/2023 08:07

Could your H have autism too and poor emotional regulation?

Your husband will also get custody/ access of your children. You can’t keep your kids away from him by leaving.

It’d be best, whether you leave or not, to support him to get support to manage his emotions and behaviour around the children. If you can afford it there are child psychologists who do family work, or you could look into family support workers through the council or charities.

There is way too much male violence apology going on in this thread. So far we've had: maybe he has a male primal brain, maybe he thinks it's the 1970s, maybe he's autistic. Well there are millions of autistic people who would never hurt their children, and millions of neurotypical people who would. In a sentence often repeated on here, "women aren't rehabilitation centers for violent men". The OP's husband hit her kid, she's doing the right thing to leave.

I think that I better understand @DameCurlyBassey s point now. She's saying that there are probably signs that he is abusive anyway, such as the OP's reluctance to call him down until things got broken. Possibly! At least this is an unambiguous alarm bell telling you to what to do, OP.

Floppyelf · 01/09/2023 09:15

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 31/08/2023 20:19

Violence is never acceptable. The next time he may hit his head and suffer a bleed. ASD is no excuse. It is hard parenting SEN and disabled children, a partner who would attack a toddler should be locked up. It is your responsibility to prevent serious harm. Call the police.

This x a million. Being violent is never excusable but its extremely evil to do it to a vulnerable baby who can’t defend himself. Please contact your local police force there are specialist officers who can help you out.

Original poster
Imdone1 · 01/09/2023 09:15

@Beenhereforever1978 Good morning, thank you. We’re leaving around 12

OP posts:
JoanOfAllTrades · 01/09/2023 09:25

Blackscrackleanddrag · 01/09/2023 08:07

Could your H have autism too and poor emotional regulation?

Your husband will also get custody/ access of your children. You can’t keep your kids away from him by leaving.

It’d be best, whether you leave or not, to support him to get support to manage his emotions and behaviour around the children. If you can afford it there are child psychologists who do family work, or you could look into family support workers through the council or charities.

Please do not blame this man’s anger/aggression and inability to emotionally regulate on him possibly being autistic!

I am neurodiverse and I haven’t ever put my hands on my children in anger! I find the suggestion that autistic people have poor emotional regulation so beat their kids quite repugnant and repulsive!

caringcarer · 01/09/2023 09:58

Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 20:38

@AnnieSnap I really don’t understand why this is being picked up on? I told him about the lamp because why I wouldn’t I? Maybe you’ve misread I don’t know but I didn’t say anywhere that I told my “partner” so he could tell DS off?

I expect OP just wanted her partner to clean up broken lamp whilst she cooked dinner. OP has this man ever done anything like this before? Recode the date, time and exactly what he did. You may need this as evidence later to build a case.

cadink · 01/09/2023 10:00

ThelmaBorden · 31/08/2023 20:05

why would you then shout upstairs to inform him your son has broken a lamp?
why would you do that? shout? tell? wait for sudden reaction? hitting, screaming,
awful behaviour,

I agree here actually, not bore off. You shouted at your husband upstairs to escalate the situation. He then ran down and reacted terribly, but sounded like he was trying to respond to your want of an escalation. You're both in the wrong here - you should have dealt with it there and then. He needs to leave as what he did was unacceptable but you have a part in this too.

DysmalRadius · 01/09/2023 10:25

cadink · 01/09/2023 10:00

I agree here actually, not bore off. You shouted at your husband upstairs to escalate the situation. He then ran down and reacted terribly, but sounded like he was trying to respond to your want of an escalation. You're both in the wrong here - you should have dealt with it there and then. He needs to leave as what he did was unacceptable but you have a part in this too.

Show quote history

The way you have both read this is quite unusual - in most relationships, calling upstairs to a partner about a broken lamp would obviously be a request to help clear up/keep the kids out of the way/take over meal preparation while you dealt with it. Why would asking the other adult in the house to help be an escalation? Do you really think the OP should have dealt with the lamp, the kids, and the food alone so her husband could stay upstairs? Why?!

Beaverbridge · 01/09/2023 10:32

Not read the whole thread, but good luck to you lovely moving on. You, re doing the right thing.

Original poster
Imdone1 · 01/09/2023 10:37

How did I escalate the situation ffs. I was trying to finish the tea, as well as deal with a broken lamp and 2 children. What the hell do people think I should have done? If I’d have said “get down here now and sort DS out he’s broken the lamp” I’d understand your points but I literally said “can you come down DS has broken the lamp” And I didn’t shout at him either I shouted up to him. There’s a difference. Either people can’t read properly or they’re doing it on purpose for whatever reason. I won’t be explaining myself anymore.

OP posts:
missfliss · 01/09/2023 10:50

I agree @Imdone1 don't even bother responding.

You are doing the right thing and I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your kids.

Stay safe and I'm thinking of you

HauntedPencil · 01/09/2023 10:57

Anyone that thinks that calling up to your partner to help because you have a broken lamp a 2 yr old and a load of mess excuses or is as bad as or incites someone to wallop a 2 year old clean across a room is seriously lacking and I do wonder what your own relationships are like. Your only embarrassing yourselves here. Imagine living like that.

crownjewellery · 01/09/2023 11:28

BackAgainstWall · 31/08/2023 21:35

Look at yourself in this as well.
Things So easily can escalate because of mum pressure/partner pressure.

It takes intelligence to look at the clear and honest picture of events, but for you both to learn from this, you need to see the wider angle.

Rubbish.

Ughhelp · 01/09/2023 12:31

Save your energy OP. No idea why some are having a go. If you were planning on staying they would probably be having a go at you for not leaving.
You are doing the right thing and I admire your strength in acting fast.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/09/2023 12:48

I think some on here have normalised some really abusive behaviour by male partners.

DameCurlyBassey · 01/09/2023 13:18

AmazingSnakeHead · 01/09/2023 09:11

There is way too much male violence apology going on in this thread. So far we've had: maybe he has a male primal brain, maybe he thinks it's the 1970s, maybe he's autistic. Well there are millions of autistic people who would never hurt their children, and millions of neurotypical people who would. In a sentence often repeated on here, "women aren't rehabilitation centers for violent men". The OP's husband hit her kid, she's doing the right thing to leave.

I think that I better understand @DameCurlyBassey s point now. She's saying that there are probably signs that he is abusive anyway, such as the OP's reluctance to call him down until things got broken. Possibly! At least this is an unambiguous alarm bell telling you to what to do, OP.

Show quote history

Yes!!! That’s what I mean!! Your worded it better than me. Thanks.

DameCurlyBassey · 01/09/2023 13:23

I am so sorry to say this but he might have done this before, hence ds muted response. I read an awful bit of research that some kids who experience violence don’t cry. Good luck, OP.

Prelapsarianhag · 01/09/2023 13:28

OP you are doing well to stop responding to the incel nutters who tried to take over the thread. Hope you are all safe.

Prelapsarianhag · 01/09/2023 13:29

I don't understand why Mumsnet lets hostile and dangerous posters continue posting. People will leave this site if it continues to be so unsupportive, and women in need of advice will be too intimidated to post. Allowing this misogynistic nonsense to stand will eventually affect Mumsnet's income stream.

AmazingSnakeHead · 01/09/2023 13:39

cadink · 01/09/2023 10:00

I agree here actually, not bore off. You shouted at your husband upstairs to escalate the situation. He then ran down and reacted terribly, but sounded like he was trying to respond to your want of an escalation. You're both in the wrong here - you should have dealt with it there and then. He needs to leave as what he did was unacceptable but you have a part in this too.

Show quote history

I'm sorry, but what are you on about? When I shout up to my DP it is never with the intention of him hitting my children. Because we are both normal people. The fact that you think that the OP was asking for her DP to escalate the situation says much more about you than it does the situation. Why should she deal with it there and then, when she's cooking dinner and he's upstairs doing nothing?

Good luck moving OP!

user1471600850 · 01/09/2023 13:52

Some of the comments on here are redicilous! Read the posts FFS - she didn't shout at her partner to come down and hit her child - she shouted up to him to come and help - stop being so stupid and unhelpful you stupid people!!!

cadink · 01/09/2023 14:10

I didn't say ever that she shouted at him to tell him to hit him, I said by shouting for him it escalated the situation.

Inkpotlover · 01/09/2023 14:15

cadink · 01/09/2023 14:10

I didn't say ever that she shouted at him to tell him to hit him, I said by shouting for him it escalated the situation.

So a woman should never raise her voice to call to her partner for fear of escalation? Should she also wear a pinny at all times and fluffy high heeled mules and compliantly fix him a G&T the minute he gets in from work? 🙄

WhatNoRaisins · 01/09/2023 14:17

I get that people are going to have different opinions and it's not professional advice here but you don't post on Mumsnet expect to get so many responses from TradWivesNet.

cadink · 01/09/2023 14:32

I misread your post OP where you said you shouted for him to come and help. Just to clarify I don't think your shouting caused him to hit your child - it may have put him on edge but that's his responsibility not you. Good luck in your next steps you're doing the right thing.

BashCandicoot · 01/09/2023 14:48

good luck
op.