I feel like I’m with a monster

[Imdone1]

Please don’t judge me, I know what he is and I am going to make plans to leave him. He was nothing like this when I first met him, if I knew he had this in him I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him.

We have 2 DC. DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2.5. We suspect DS2 is autistic and have been told to expect a diagnosis for him in the future.

Long story short, he (not calling him dp) was upstairs getting changed from his work uniform into his football kit. Surely this takes like 5 minutes max? But no, he was still upstairs 25 minutes later. This is nothing new, I am used to him taking the piss. After coming into the living room from making the kids tea, I see that DS2 has broken the lamp. I shout up to DP to tell him, he comes running down the stairs, hits DS2 on the bum that hard he goes flying. Then he starts screaming at me saying it’s my fault for not watching him. But how can I when the kids wanted their tea? I told him I can’t be in two places at once and that if he wasn’t sitting upstairs on his phone he could have been watching dc and the lamp wouldn’t have been broken.

He left for football around half an hour ago and I told him not to come back. He texted me 10 minutes ago saying he feels horrible but he’s stressed and things shouldn’t be broken. I have the kids 24/7, I’m stressed too but I’ve never reacted like that. And things shouldn’t be broken no but try teaching that to a child who can’t communicate.

I have seen another side to him tonight that I hate. How dare he act how he did😞

If my child broke a lamp, I wouldn’t shout it out to my husband. Men can be very reactionary (think primal brain). It’s something I’d minimise and mention when he’s relaxed and my husband is sweet and caring! But why add pressure to a situation?

I’m also reading some of your responses here and clearly they’re quite belligerent. Is that how you are at home too?

I hope you are ok. your comment about men being very reactionary is very worrying. Actually your whole post is. If your husband is so sweet and caring why do you minimise and worry about his primal brain reactions? I think the OP is on the way to understanding her situation. I hope you are too.

It's a bit beyond this really. There isn't really any coming back and 'learning' after assaulting a small child like this.

Or are we in robo chat crap replies here? God this is going to ruin what is left of life for us.

Oh get a life you armchair psychologist 😆

Wtf 😬.

So you have to pick your moments to tell your dh stuff? That doesn't say much about him does it?
My dh doesn't hit dc whatever the circumstances because it's wrong, he doesn't need to be relaxed to know how to behave.

Stop blaming the OP, she wanted help and she was entitled to think the dc's father would be the person to help her.

What a load of nonsense.

OP, I can't read any more of this thread because of some of the comments are shocking and I can't believe anyone has the audacity to blame you. Just know you did nothing wrong, I'd have done exactly the same thing, and I hope you and your children find safety and happiness elsewhere.

Primal brain? What the fuck am I reading?

Best thing you can do going to your mum’s.
Think about reporting his assault on your child though as he may get 50/50 care, or at the least weekends staying with him.

I assumed you called him downstairs because in your mind it was his fault that the lamp broke,
he should have been downstairs watching them instead of pissing about upstairs. that's how I interpreted it
is he usually violent and abusive ? why would he do this ?

I don’t understand why some posters are so insistent that @Imdone1 called him with the express intent of telling DS2 off!

Can no one understand that she called him because she was at the end of her tether after a trying day of wrangling 2 little kids (one with ASD), by herself, and finally, when he comes home and she thinks okay he’s here, I’ll do the dinner, instead of helping and being quick to change his clothes, he sits upstairs, doing goodness know what, knowing that mum is in the kitchen cooking, and when the lamp gets broken, mum doesn’t call him to tell DS2 off, no! She calls him to let him see her exasperation at him being a useless oxygen thief, who can’t get off his bum and parent his kids for 20 minutes while she’s cooking!

I didn’t know until a couple of years ago that I’m on the spectrum and also have ADHD. All our kids were on the spectrum/had ADHD/ had both, and we couldn’t figure out how we were so unlucky that it was all of them. Well, of course, now we know, but a bit too late, but anyway. It’s really hard to parent kids, especially little ones, who don’t understand anything except short sentences, take things literally, or, even worse, are elective mutes!

OP is doing her best, this wasn’t foreseeable and she’s making plans to leave. Perhaps try for a little support!

For me, what makes this worse is that he still went out to his precious football, seemingly not caring about what he did. Yes, he may have apologised but saying sorry is easy! OP has been left to pick up the pieces and I suspect, she’s always left picking up the pieces of his behaviour!

WOW! Really?

Either you’re a man or you have some deeply ingrained misogyny that you really need to deal with, preferably sooner rather than later!

Poor @Imdone1 is stressed out, she’s looking after a very high needs toddler whilst also parenting her other child, who may well be high needs themselves as a reaction to the younger sibling, and all you can offer up is:

“reading some of your responses…they’re quite belligerent. Is that how you are at home too?”

Seriously? She came here for support and is getting bashed and attacked and you’re expecting what exactly? Pollyanna?

OP it's moments like this that make you want to leave, and for good reason.

I don't have much advice but I can say one thing for definite. This will happen again, it's up to you to leave

Agreed. My dog has more restraint and he’s male.

Why are people blaming OP?!
This is actually shocking. OP didn't eacalate this or play any part in this. This was HIS poor reaction to come down and knock the poor little boy flying.
It's so clear that OP told him the lamp was broken so he could come down and help clean it up and watch the kids while she made their dinner.
OP please, please ignore these ridiculous comments that somehow place blame on you.
Stay strong, go to your mums and leave this man.

This wasn't your fault. It was 100% the fault of the man who hit your child. But don't kid yourself your D.C. are safe with you there. You couldn't prevent that first (?) unanticipated act of violence and you won't be able to prevent future ones. I'm glad you are making plans to leave.

Fucking hell the lamp thing is irrelevant as fuck.

I can visualise the situation perfectly and it worries me that others cannot. Busy OP cooking dinner, bloke pissing about upstairs, shouts up “argh Bob, kid’s broke the lamp!” underlying message: fucks sake stop pissing about upstairs and come and help me with the kids because I’m busy and they’ve just broke a lamp.

Easy.

Why do posters insist on picking up on the most irrelevant mundane pieces of a post and use it as a weapon to try and discredit the OP?! Boils my piss.

Why is it important to hear details about the toddler’s reaction when their level of distress has zero impact on what the OP needs to do next? If the toddler had landed on something soft and laughed because they found flying through the air fun would that have changed the necessity of OP needing to leave her partner? Whereas “petty” details about OP’s partner help to build a bigger picture so people can advise OP how to get away from him as safely as possible. She has no obligation to write about what happened in a way that manages MN readers’ potential upset.

Thank you to everyone for the supportive comments. It means a lot, you’ve have a really helped.

To the posters who seem to be enjoying blaming me, I hope you’re happy kicking somebody whilst they are down. I won’t be replying to anymore negative comments, it’s quite clear you’re bored or get enjoyment out of upsetting people. Blame me all you want, be “heartbroken” over the fact I didn’t mention how my son reacted. But for what it’s worth, he cried for a couple of minutes and was fine after a cuddle. And if you think I’m being “hostile” and “aggressive” with my replies, take a moment to understand maybe why.

All those people criticising the OP, are you from surrendered wife communities or do you just have very low expectations for men's behaviour.

OP you are doing the right thing planning to leave him.

This thread has gone very much the same way as a thread I posted for support a few days ago (previous username).
There were so many empathetic and useful responses with helpful suggestions, even some that were critical with helpful suggestions. However there was also a large dash of unnecessarily harsh comments from people who seemed to make incorrect assumptions and want to twist the knife, rather than be helpful.

Op it sounds like you have decided to separate and that is the right thing to do. I do wonder if you should be making him leave the home, rather than you leave the home with the kids? But that would depend on how safe you feel and ownership of the house etc. it’s great you told your mum, I think making other people aware of what has happened means you get support and they can also reinforce how unacceptable his behaviour was.

Hoe are your sons today?

@Embarrassednamechangeadoddle They are fine thank you😊

Some very harsh replies indeed, but that’s on them, I know that my children are safe and looked after. I’m just glad there’s people out there who are supportive.

I’m going to go to my mums today, spend the day/night there then I am going to focus on getting him to leave

Sounds like a good plan. Good luck op I hope things improve for you now you’ve decided to separate.