I feel like I’m with a monster

[Imdone1]

Please don’t judge me, I know what he is and I am going to make plans to leave him. He was nothing like this when I first met him, if I knew he had this in him I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him.

We have 2 DC. DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2.5. We suspect DS2 is autistic and have been told to expect a diagnosis for him in the future.

Long story short, he (not calling him dp) was upstairs getting changed from his work uniform into his football kit. Surely this takes like 5 minutes max? But no, he was still upstairs 25 minutes later. This is nothing new, I am used to him taking the piss. After coming into the living room from making the kids tea, I see that DS2 has broken the lamp. I shout up to DP to tell him, he comes running down the stairs, hits DS2 on the bum that hard he goes flying. Then he starts screaming at me saying it’s my fault for not watching him. But how can I when the kids wanted their tea? I told him I can’t be in two places at once and that if he wasn’t sitting upstairs on his phone he could have been watching dc and the lamp wouldn’t have been broken.

He left for football around half an hour ago and I told him not to come back. He texted me 10 minutes ago saying he feels horrible but he’s stressed and things shouldn’t be broken. I have the kids 24/7, I’m stressed too but I’ve never reacted like that. And things shouldn’t be broken no but try teaching that to a child who can’t communicate.

I have seen another side to him tonight that I hate. How dare he act how he did😞

Glad you are OK this morning OP.
Get to your mums. You can call the police from there.
Don't forget to call the bank if you have a joint bank account and take any passports. Ring women's aid and a solicitor.

For what it's worth someone who was truly sorry would have voluntarily gone to the police station, they would have been charged and any access thereafter supervised if granted at all.

It is hard to end a marriage/partnership but you will look back and see it as the right think to do. ASD /SEN does not get easier to parent. I have a SEN DC. It is frustrating and hard. Only the kindest, toughest get through it.
I hope you have lots of family support. I had two brothers, they would have paid a visit by now!

Both you and your H need to have some training on how to parent your challenging child. Men sometimes think that when someone calls out or talks about a problem they are being asked to solve it rather than just listen and support.

Your husband reacted like a father in the 1970s, I think he just reverted to being like he saw his Dad behave to naughty children. He wanted to help you out because you were screaming in alarm, calling like in an emergency.

Hopefully he knows that he was completely out of line. He needs to skill up for the modern times. He's probably shocked and disgusted in himself. If your H has not before disciplined like this then I would try to sort out a future where you both learn how to parent with calmness and support for each other. If you can do that then that would offer the best solution.

If you think your H is a nasty brute, always smouldering with violence and waiting to hit out and not capable of taking a lead in learning gentle parenting tricks then ask him to leave.
.

@user1492757084 Why do I need training!? And I did not scream in alarm and I didn’t call out like it was an emergency🤣 I said in previous comments it was “can you come down, dc has broken the lamp” Where do some people get their ideas from?

And he wanted to help did he? By smacking our son. You seem to be aiming this all on me rather than somebody who hit their child. Very strange

Are you serious? Good god. You seem
scared of your husband. You have to time thing’s carefully as to when to tell him stuff? This isn’t how life works. Life is stressful. For everyone. She needed help there and then. He should have been supportive and understanding not angry she was asking for help!

@Imdone1 if I were you I wouldn't come back to this thread. I actually can't believe what is being written here! Primal brain! A man in the 1970's! Your fault too! Absolutely not. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to smack a toddler with the force that you described! I would say any smack at all but that's a different topic.

I'm afraid OP there are some people on here who think it is worth saving a violent partner. The lifestyle overrides everything. No one deserves or needs that.
As for parent training, Jesus are these people for real?
Mumsnet is full of abused women. It covers all classes and incomes.
My BFF left her violent partner after 14 years. She nearly died.
Her younger daughter was mentally abused (he pushed her down the stairs whilst pregnant). He didn't want the child as there was a chance she would be disabled. She isn't but knows she wasn't wanted. Bastards. Today is the first day of a happy new life.

@Matchinglipsandfingertips That’s awful😞 Glad she found the courage to leave

So sorry OP. Document and leave - glad you have a plan to get out asap, as he has shown he cannot control his temper. Speak to a lawyer or DV charity to get advice on how to leave and document.

Best wishes OP. Cannot believe some of the terrible responses on here. @ThelmaBorden it is normal to ask a partner for help if something has broken, it is not telling tales and waiting for a reaction. @WongWifi are you trapped in the 1950s in an subservient marriage?

I haven't read to the end of the posts, but had to respond having read your alarming message.

If you can't talk to your husband for fear of him being 'very reactionary' you aren't in a good relationship. Beacause no, 'men' aren't. Most men (the decent ones) deal with life calmly and rationally. Seriously, and I say this with genuine concern, if you have to keep info from your husband for when he's sweet and caring (why isn't he caring all the time??), ie you're walking on eggshells, you need to get away.

And to blame the Op. She asked her husband to come and help because he was sat on his phone while she looked after 2 small children / cooked tea / dealt with a broken lamp. Entirely reasonably and what anyone else would have done. To blame her for just telling her husband is supremely sexist, dangerous nonsense.

I really fear for the future when women, on a forum like this, rewrite what the op has said to make it even slightly her fault. The people saying that, who think that if you tell a man something bad has happened then he might be expected to get angry and hit someone, must live in some awful situations.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THE HEADS OF SOME POSTERS HERE????

The apologists for male violence towards a toddler, and those tying themselves in knots to blame the woman, need to seek help.

There is some utter victim blaming shite being talked on here.

Let me summarise:

1. Toddler accidentally breaks something.
2. Mum calls father for help to deal with the aftermath as she is also supervising another child and cooking.
3. Father physically assaults 2.5 year old toddler.

Sorry for the stupidity on here OP - try and ignore the useless detailing comments.

You are perfectly correct to not want this man in the house now or in future.

This.

One more example of why I would never post on MN in my hour of need.

You're a brave woman, OP. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

I have a 2 and a half year old. I can't imagine hitting them for any reason, let alone for accidentally breaking something. Was he that annoyed at him for ending his phone time? Was he that sentimental about a lamp? Trying to understand what would make him react as he did. Like you say, you have them 24/7, why can't he deal with them for a fraction of that?

Out of his children’s lives? So you saying that he should never be able to see his kids again?

sorry but autism doesnt even come into it, Even without autism you cant expect good/bad behaviour with a 2 year old... kids break stuff, by accident all the time!!!

id be running

Quite obviously OP called up to her partner in an exasperated 'can you come down here and help me out please, one of our children has now managed to break a lamp and could of hurt themselves on top of that, i cannot be doing everything whilst you lounge around on your phone' I highly doubt she done it to get him to come down and tell the 2 year old off.

I'm glad you are leaving OP. Your life will improve without him. Better to be a single parent then a pretty much single parent with a huge man child on top of that.

Could your H have autism too and poor emotional regulation?

Your husband will also get custody/ access of your children. You can’t keep your kids away from him by leaving.

It’d be best, whether you leave or not, to support him to get support to manage his emotions and behaviour around the children. If you can afford it there are child psychologists who do family work, or you could look into family support workers through the council or charities.

This.

And this.

Blimey, it's an incel invasion.

You have to worry about anyone that struggles alone with something like this because the other adult in their house is so unpredictable or incompetent that they can't rely on them to help. I could call my 11 or 7 year old for help in this situation and they would be more help than the OP's partner, not to mention some of the other men discussed on this thread.

Nobody should be in a relationship where they can't ask their partner to step up without worrying that they are going to escalate into violence. Nobody should be scared that a simple accident will result in the assault of a toddler. Nobody should excuse violence and aggression based on 'how' information is shared, even if the circumstances are stressful.

Good luck untangling yourself from this idiot and I hope this thread has reassured you despite the disturbing determination of some posters to blame you for any of this.

Because she didn’t say come and help me with the kids as you probably would. It seems that to get him downstairs she had to tell him about something “extreme” otherwise he wouldn’t come. Look, i agree that in this situation it is an irrelevant detail given his awful criminal reaction.

However I think some of the people who are picking up on this - some of them instinctively - understand DV and are rather clumsily making a point that there may be indications in op’s post that he exhibits violent or controlling tendencies which op just hadn’t picked up on until he unleashed physical violence. That is normal for DV. It is not like your situation with a partner who does not have those tendencies.

OP has probably been affected by his behaviour for longer than she realises. This is the crunch point and I am glad that she has the courage to leave.

some of these comments blaming the op are truly disgusting. op, hope you find the help and courage to leave, goodluck x

OPs first duty of care is to her children.

A man has struck one of them.
A very young one at that.

OPs role is not to 'support her husband in managing his emotions'

That's entirely his job.
She has two children to care for, who as of now cannot be left alone with their other parent.

I honestly despair.

Morning OP. Let us know when you're safe with your mum. You've been in my thoughts.