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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like I’m with a monster

199 replies

Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 19:28

Please don’t judge me, I know what he is and I am going to make plans to leave him. He was nothing like this when I first met him, if I knew he had this in him I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him.

We have 2 DC. DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2.5. We suspect DS2 is autistic and have been told to expect a diagnosis for him in the future.

Long story short, he (not calling him dp) was upstairs getting changed from his work uniform into his football kit. Surely this takes like 5 minutes max? But no, he was still upstairs 25 minutes later. This is nothing new, I am used to him taking the piss. After coming into the living room from making the kids tea, I see that DS2 has broken the lamp. I shout up to DP to tell him, he comes running down the stairs, hits DS2 on the bum that hard he goes flying. Then he starts screaming at me saying it’s my fault for not watching him. But how can I when the kids wanted their tea? I told him I can’t be in two places at once and that if he wasn’t sitting upstairs on his phone he could have been watching dc and the lamp wouldn’t have been broken.

He left for football around half an hour ago and I told him not to come back. He texted me 10 minutes ago saying he feels horrible but he’s stressed and things shouldn’t be broken. I have the kids 24/7, I’m stressed too but I’ve never reacted like that. And things shouldn’t be broken no but try teaching that to a child who can’t communicate.

I have seen another side to him tonight that I hate. How dare he act how he did😞

OP posts:
Hopingforagreatescape · 31/08/2023 20:41

I too am not quite sure why you shouted up to him to tell him that your toddler had broken a lamp, as though you were 'telling' on the toddler? Did you want him to come down and tell off the toddler but he went further than you expected? Just seems odd.

Maybe he took out his frustration with you on your toddler? Either way, his violence towards a small child is unacceptable.

The whole situation is a bit off.

Original poster
Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 20:44

@Hopingforagreatescape I shouted up to him because I was stressed and wanted him to come downstairs. I was in the middle of doing tea. No I didn’t want him to tell off DS. I just wanted his help

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 31/08/2023 20:44

Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 20:38

@AnnieSnap I really don’t understand why this is being picked up on? I told him about the lamp because why I wouldn’t I? Maybe you’ve misread I don’t know but I didn’t say anywhere that I told my “partner” so he could tell DS off?

You said, and I quote “I see that DS2 has broken the lamp. I shout up to DP to tell him”. That’s what is throwing people. Nevertheless, I do sympathise and hope you can keep him out of the house, or go somewhere safe.

edited to say, I get it now, you mean to tell your partner what was going on, not so he could ‘tell your son’. Different entirely!

Original poster
Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 20:46

@AnnieSnap Oh no I meant it as in “I shouted up to dp to let him know” I understand that it could be a bit confusing

OP posts:
Soloparenthelp · 31/08/2023 20:47

I can’t believe a two year old has been hit and some of you are pretty much blaming OP. There is no way OP could have predicted that a grown man would hit a 2 year old so hard he flies across the room. Stop victim blaming and get off the thread fgs. Your words aren’t helping. OP needs support not a witch hunt.

OP Call the police and do not let him back in the home. Don’t make plans to leave, make him leave. First step is calling the police. You can do this. There’s no going back from this, he has physically assaulted your child.

Jifmicroliquid · 31/08/2023 20:49

Please do not let this man near your children again. Hitting a toddler that hard that he goes flying is horrific.
Wishing you all the best OP, you are doing the right thing getting away from this man.

ShineBright1209 · 31/08/2023 20:50

As PPs have said this does need reporting. If it comes to a custody case then you will need evidence to back up what you’re saying. Social services would expect you to do everything in your power to safeguard your children and sometimes that means making tough decisions like reporting someone who you care about.
Your doing the right thing going to your mums with the children and removing them from a violent person but it needs to be made official.

Aylestone · 31/08/2023 20:51

Hopingforagreatescape · 31/08/2023 20:41

I too am not quite sure why you shouted up to him to tell him that your toddler had broken a lamp, as though you were 'telling' on the toddler? Did you want him to come down and tell off the toddler but he went further than you expected? Just seems odd.

Maybe he took out his frustration with you on your toddler? Either way, his violence towards a small child is unacceptable.

The whole situation is a bit off.

Perhaps because it’s a safety hazard that needed cleaning up? Presumably there was smashed glass/shards/a potential electrical hazard. The op was cooking dinner, the dh was doing Jack shit and the baby broke the lamp. On what planet are people on thinking that the op needs berating for asking her oh for some assistance? ‘The babys broke the lamp’ doesn’t translate to ‘come and shout at the baby and perhaps beat it across the room’!!

justanothermanicmonday1 · 31/08/2023 20:51

Yeah I'd be packing his stuff right now and leaving it outside for him, and I wouldn't let him within an inch of those poor kids. No amount of therapy or grovelling would ever make me forgive him or take him back.

LTB.

EarthSight · 31/08/2023 20:59

I think the mistake you made is that you assumed you would be in alignment with him on this, that you could trust him. That's why you called up to him. It's clear that it wasn't your intention that he behaved the way he did.

pompomdaisy · 31/08/2023 21:05

Has he ever shown signs of any violence before? If he can do this and then go off and play football you have a psycho there don't you? Get on the phone to friends or women's charity and get the hell out before he kills him!

MillWood85 · 31/08/2023 21:07

Do you need to let him come back tonight? Can you get your Mum to come and stay with you instead?

Original poster
Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 21:11

@pompomdaisy No he’s never been violent before. And I wondered too how he could go and play football after what he just did. I was just glad he was going out though.

@MillWood85 Wish I’d have thought about that sooner! Both kids are asleep in my bed with me now, I text him to tell him he’s sleeping on the sofa and not to come in the bedroom. He leaves for work early in the morning so we won’t have to see him thankfully

OP posts:
Newuser75 · 31/08/2023 21:14

@Aylestone I couldn't agree more. If I was busy with something and one of the kids broke something I think it's more than reasonable to ask my husband to help me.

Why wouldn't she shout her partner to come and help in that situation? She obviously wasn't to know that he would smack her little son so hard he went flying across the room.

I think you sound very brave and are definitely doing the right thing. If it were me I would report him to the police. Did your older child see it happen? I hope you are all ok!!

Original poster
Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 21:20

@Newuser75 Yes he was there too😔 DC are fine❤️ I’m still fuming but I’ll be fine once I don’t have to deal with him again! Thank you

OP posts:
AnneValentine · 31/08/2023 21:23

AnnieSnap · 31/08/2023 20:31

This ☝️ Why did you call your partner to “tell him (your toddler)”? I am absolutely not excusing his behaviour, but you wanted him to “tell him” what exactly?

Show quote history

That lamp was broken? Come down? Help?

BackAgainstWall · 31/08/2023 21:25

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Original poster
Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 21:26

@BackAgainstWall I reacted badly? Please tell me how

OP posts:
RhubarbandCustardYummyYummy · 31/08/2023 21:28

@BackAgainstWall how ridiculous - how does ‘he’s broken the lamp but I’m cooking dinner, can you sort it?’ become ‘please come down and beat our young child’ - there’s one guilty party here and it’s the man who hit the toddler

bonzaitree · 31/08/2023 21:29

You’re defo right to end things and leave with your precious kids.

BackAgainstWall · 31/08/2023 21:30

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C00kp1ssBabtridge · 31/08/2023 21:33

I think some people have extremely bad reading comprehension and are assuming that you shouted up to "DP" to tell DS off, rather than to tell "DP" about what happened with the lamp. Not your fault at all.

Original poster
Imdone1 · 31/08/2023 21:33

@BackAgainstWall Or just carefully reread your posts because you’re talking nonsense. I was in the kitchen cooking tea, DC breaks the lamp, I shout upstairs to dp and say “dc has broke the lamp can you come down” How on earth does that mean I’ve caused the conflict? Wow

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 31/08/2023 21:33

Hopingforagreatescape · 31/08/2023 20:41

I too am not quite sure why you shouted up to him to tell him that your toddler had broken a lamp, as though you were 'telling' on the toddler? Did you want him to come down and tell off the toddler but he went further than you expected? Just seems odd.

Maybe he took out his frustration with you on your toddler? Either way, his violence towards a small child is unacceptable.

The whole situation is a bit off.

It's completely understandable I would call up to ask DP to get the bloody hell downstairs to help out so I could cook tea

These comments are a bit victim blamed no?

You should be able to tell your children's father something has been broken FFS. That's normal!

HauntedPencil · 31/08/2023 21:34

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This is absolute bollocks. Telling a kids dad they've broken something is not an incitement to violence FFS.

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