I feel like I’m with a monster

[Imdone1]

Please don’t judge me, I know what he is and I am going to make plans to leave him. He was nothing like this when I first met him, if I knew he had this in him I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him.

We have 2 DC. DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2.5. We suspect DS2 is autistic and have been told to expect a diagnosis for him in the future.

Long story short, he (not calling him dp) was upstairs getting changed from his work uniform into his football kit. Surely this takes like 5 minutes max? But no, he was still upstairs 25 minutes later. This is nothing new, I am used to him taking the piss. After coming into the living room from making the kids tea, I see that DS2 has broken the lamp. I shout up to DP to tell him, he comes running down the stairs, hits DS2 on the bum that hard he goes flying. Then he starts screaming at me saying it’s my fault for not watching him. But how can I when the kids wanted their tea? I told him I can’t be in two places at once and that if he wasn’t sitting upstairs on his phone he could have been watching dc and the lamp wouldn’t have been broken.

He left for football around half an hour ago and I told him not to come back. He texted me 10 minutes ago saying he feels horrible but he’s stressed and things shouldn’t be broken. I have the kids 24/7, I’m stressed too but I’ve never reacted like that. And things shouldn’t be broken no but try teaching that to a child who can’t communicate.

I have seen another side to him tonight that I hate. How dare he act how he did😞

OP taken notice of the idiots on here. I hope you're ok. You must be shocked, stay strong.

Im very concerned by some of what you have said here in this thread. It’s alarming your interpretation of the events. In no way is asking for help from your partner ever wrong. His anger and temper issue is absolutely no one else’s fault but his own.

Yes, I’ve acknowledged that I misunderstood and the OP has acknowledged that part of her initial post might have been ambiguous.

Surely you shouted up to him to either help clear up the mess or keep an eye on tea whilst you cleared up. People on here can be stupid!
His reaction was over the top and you are right to leave him. Good luck.

You’re blaming a woman for the violence of a man? You’re blaming her because she was trying to do everything alone while he sat upstairs on his phone ‘getting ready for football’…? You’re blaming her because she called him down so he could help her for a change? You think she’s responsible for his actions, hitting a toddler?

How far we’ve come. For fuck sake.

He hit a child so young he’s still in a nappy?

Jesus Christ. So sorry, OP. You’re doing the right thing. He is a monster.

What the fuck is going on on this website tonight? Surely it's completely normal if one partner is doing fuck all upstairs and there is something broken downstairs for you to call him down to help? This is how me and DP operate, and we've managed to never hit our kids.

I'm so sorry OP. Must be awful witnessing that. Get support from your family asap x

Lock the cunt out. Permanently.

Seconded.

when you want someone to come downstairs you ask them to come downstairs. Sounds as though you can’t do that with him. So you told him something that would get him down, which means that you knew he would be angry/would react. I think you are minimising that element. I don’t know what you do with that, but if people see it they have to say it. We can’t not say it just to make you feel better.

This. I was the first poster I think and all for supporting her while at the same time trying to drill in it needs reporting, I got the impression she’d brush an assault on her baby under the carpet. And low and behold ‘don’t come back’ has already turned into he’s back in the house asleep in bed. I wonder how the assaulted 2yo feels. I hope this comment doesn’t get deleted as I mean it sympathetically, not judgementally. But I wonder how the battered child feels with him back in the house, and how the op would feel in the same situation.

She didn’t just call him down because something was broken. She said I’m an update that she was stressed that partner was taking so long and told him about the lamp to get him to come down. Big difference.

The thing that really distressed me reading op was that she didn’t say anything about the child’s reaction. She just said that he went flying - nothing about him crying or being upset. For some reason that missing detail breaks my heart and I really want to know that little boy is ok.

Righto, so the woman is to blame because she told her partner something that she knew would bring him down and when he came down he hit a little toddler?

I still don't get it. To me, saying the lamp is broken is a very effective way of getting someone down to help me control the situation. Control, not lose control and be violent. "Come down, Sammy's broken the lamp!" in my house would be shorthand for "get off your phone and come down and help me, I'm trying to cook dinner and can't watch them at the same time and because of this Sammy has broken the lamp. I need you to help me by cleaning up the lamp and watching the kids so nothing else gets broken". If I myself had broken the lamp I might shout up "Come down, the lamp's broken!". That's because in my house there is the assumption that nobody is ever going to hit their kids. So when I call DP down, it does not enter my mind that this is a possibility. No doubt the OP felt the same, before today.

OP this man assaulted your kid, he should be out.

I'm sorry, but what are you talking about. "things so easily can escalate" is one hell of a way to talk about a grown man hitting a tiny toddler so hard he flies through the air. They don't "both need to learn" from this. The partner needs to stop attacking his little child.

The real sick thing is that if the OP had broken the lamp by accident and the partner had run down, hit her and berated her, you would ALL be telling her to leave. But because he hit a child it's actually just the OP's fault for calling him down. Deranged point of view.

What I’m suggesting is that op might have been afraid to ask him to come down. Otherwise why didn’t she just ask him to come down? She mentioned something she knew he would react to (she probably didn’t know that he would react with such violence, though).

An example: When I was first with my violent exh I didn’t realise he was that way inclined, but after a couple of violent assaults I could see with hindsight that he had always been that way, that there was something in the way he communicated that scared me but there had been no direct violence at first and so I hadn’t identified it. But I was already walking on eggshells before any physical violence had occurred and I hadn’t quite owned up to myself that I was doing that.

I hope I am being clear. It is quite difficult to explain.

No, I don’t think she is responsible for his violence.

💯 this!

OP, I know many others have posted similar but it doesn’t hurt to hear it again, you did exactly what I (and a million other normal parents) would have done in the same situation.

Please ignore the negative posters - there’s some seriously deranged comments on his thread.

I hope you get a decent night’s sleep and please look after yourself too, you’ve had a truly horrible shock this evening and will need time to process it.

Very best wishes to you and your little boys x

Oh my god, the tying yourselves in knots to try and somehow implicate the mum here. It beggars belief. Except it doesn’t because it’s what always happens. It’s literally always women’s faults. This is misogyny plain and simple. You male violence minimisers and apologists should be absolutely ashamed of yourselves.

People really are dense. Good grief.

OP this is not your fault.

I totally understand that you told him about the broken lamp as a way of saying 'get your arse down here and help me! Things are happening because I cannot do it all alone!'

So bloody obvious.

The only person at fault here is your husband!

This, you summed how I feel about this. Lots of build up about how awful the partner is spending too long upstairs but only one brief sentence about the awful assault on the toddler. Then straight back to petty stuff about the partner again. Then assault on the toddler isn’t the main reason that the OP has posted this. What does she mean by ‘flying’? It’s heartbreaking that there is no more mention of how that that poor baby reacted. I think the reason people are ‘victim blaming’ is this. It just doesn’t sit right, as if treating children like this is normal and op just wanted to rant about her bloke. There’s no way she will do anything about this. Rinse and repeat tomorrow or next week.

Exactly this. Don't know where some of the utter shite that is being posted is coming from. Schoolboys or incels acting out I guess.
The only person in the wrong here (apart from the idiot posters) is the violent husband.

I'm glad you've put this post up. It's a record in case he starts minimising it. You have it down how shocking it was, and exactly what happened.

So the poster tells her partner that their son had broken the lamp. He comes down and hits a toddler across the room and then skives off to football. How is this the OP's fault?

When I was a small child I did things that were stupid and my parents just accepted that that was just part of being a parent. As a toddler, a very sturdy one, I once threw a tent peg through a window and when asked about it I apparently said I felt like throwing it. And then there was the time I was swinging on the bathroom towel rail when I'd been told not to and I found out exactly why I'd been told not to when I found myself in a hale of broken plaster and holding onto a half detached towel rail. I once followed behind my dad who was planting cabbage plants and as he moved down the row so did I pulling up the plants he'd just planted. He turned around to see all his work undone and me clutching a limp bunch of cabbage plants and my mother convulsed with laughter and all he did was ask my mother to take me indoors while he attempted to salvage the plants. My father was rather hot-tempered but even he wasn't inclined to send me flying across the garden or go off at my mother.