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Original poster

DH’s brutal take on self love

334 replies

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:49

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

  • compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
  • speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
  • For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
  • Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

OP posts:
6monthsto50 · 31/08/2023 21:44

This is only going to get worse for you. He sounds awful.

ChaToilLeam · 31/08/2023 21:49

He sounds like a selfish arse.

Honestly, I would leave him to his toxic “me against the world” narrative and be done with it. You’ll never make him happy because he doesn’t want to be happy. He wants to wallow in misery and pretend it is the fault of all those around him.

Pipsquiggle · 31/08/2023 21:53

Do you think he is having a mental crisis?

20 years of doing a job he hates, in a toxic environment and this could be how he is coping

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 21:55

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:32

@Dymaxion he’s worked there for nearly 20 years. It is really demoralising for him. I don’t know how he does it. But it pays the bills etc. I do think that he feels that he has no power and no influence at work so he’s exerting that in his private life. But in a really fucked up way. And I can’t point this out to him because it’s me being a ‘know it all bitch’

WHY have you not told him to quit? It pays the bills is a piss poor excuse. He'll get a pension one day. In the meantime he can retrain. You can find a job to help out.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:57

@justasking111
i already work full time and earn more than him, thanks.

OP posts:
Dymaxion · 31/08/2023 22:04

WHY have you not told him to quit? It pays the bills is a piss poor excuse

Is it though? paying the bills is pretty important, retraining takes time and money and having only one wage to rely on makes it even harder. He is 50, not the easiest time to start retraining for anything. It sounds as though he has had enough of his working environment but can't change it and doesn't know how to deal with that scenario, he has to face dealing with it for another 10 years ?

Rosscameasdoody · 31/08/2023 22:06

CatherinedeBourgh · 31/08/2023 21:30

I've only read your posts, and although he does come across as nasty I have to say if I were him your attitudes would drive me crazy.

No, he doesn't have to have a relationship with people he doesn't like to make your life easier. He's not stopping you from going to these things, you can just go and if asked about him you can just say 'he's not coming'. If anyone asks why, you just have to answer 'he didn't feel like it'. End of.

The fact that you think this is such a big deal leads me to think that his rather hard core take on things is a reaction to your extreme conflict avoidance leading to him having to put up with all sorts of things in order to avoid you having to stand up for yourself (or him). Sounds like what you are seeing is the result of decades of accumulated resentment.

Have you missed the bit about the shit OP gets if he knows she’s been with family, and the assumption that when she sees friends she’s bitching about him behind his back ? He may not stop her from seeing them but he’s making it unpleasant whenever she does.

NorwayLass · 31/08/2023 22:07

Personally I think it’s fine he doesn’t see your relatives. Just tell them he’s busy or whatever, who cares.

The real issue is the not picking he does when your family make contact with you. Personally I’d play him at his own game and tell him that contact with your family makes you happy and his nit picking makes you unhappy, so can he stop.

but to be honest I’d look at a trial separation.

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 22:20

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:57

@justasking111
i already work full time and earn more than him, thanks.

Then no reason he shouldn't quit

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 22:21

@CatherinedeBourgh
I don’t agree with your summary but maybe you’re right about the years of accumulated resentment. It’s unpalatable to think that but perhaps that’s what it is. He resents me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 22:22

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 22:20

Then no reason he shouldn't quit

Show quote history

Perhaps you don’t live in the UK, but running a house and three kids in London can’t be done on one wage.

OP posts:
Daffodil63 · 31/08/2023 22:25

Try counselling together and apart. If not successful call it a day

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 22:27

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 22:22

Perhaps you don’t live in the UK, but running a house and three kids in London can’t be done on one wage.

Show quote history

You've had twenty years to address the problem of his toxic workplace.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 22:30

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 22:27

You've had twenty years to address the problem of his toxic workplace.

Show quote history

Eh?

OP posts:
Indiacalling · 31/08/2023 22:54

He is devaluing relationships which are important to you. In doing so, he is devaluing you. It’s not even subtle - when you try to explain how you see things, he calls you ‘a know it all bitch’. He is devaluing half of his children’s family.
Yes, it would be the end of 23 years of marriage for me. He doesn’t even respect you. You don’t have a voice in the situation without being called names. And you are not allowed to see friends without him complaining and suggesting your conversation is All.About.Him.
Exhausting.

EmmaEmerald · 01/09/2023 00:33

OP you ask about how it works for family gatheringsMy friends who won’t see their in laws both made phone calls to say “I’m not getting anything positive from you so you will only see DH and kids in future”. I do think it’s a basic courtesy for the person in question to say they won’t be mixing any more, doesn’t seem right to lumber the partner with it.

Whether or not their DHs get asked endless questions, I don’t know. They’ve both said “don’t report any comments back” as well.

EmmaEmerald · 01/09/2023 00:34

I’d still end it btw but just answering your query on the practicalities.

Rachie1973 · 01/09/2023 06:05

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 22:27

You've had twenty years to address the problem of his toxic workplace.

Show quote history

Why is that OPs job? Shouldn’t he have addressed it??

Mycatisthebestever · 01/09/2023 07:45

Basically you are walking on eggshells all the time with him? Been there and had that miserable life. Is this how you want it to be forever? He won't change .

Mirabai · 01/09/2023 09:06

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 17:53

I hate arguing. Hate it. The shouting, the insults, the accusations. He’s a master of ‘attack as defence’ in his logic as well. So currently I’m gaslighting him, I’m twisting the truth to fit my version of events, I’m painting him as the villain, I’m being a bitch and picking a fight etc etc. I can’t deal with that. It’s not in my personality.

Show quote history

Well then you’re married to the wrong person.

You can deal with it but you shouldn’t have to. Why are you with someone so long who talks to you like this if you’re confrontation averse to begin with?

readbooksdrinktea · 01/09/2023 09:15

NigellaAwesome · 31/08/2023 16:42

You seem to be focusing on him not socialising with your family - which in itself might not be the worst thing about this scenario. Loads of people go nc or lc with family members and in-laws, and I think that is the one aspect of this situation that you may have to accept.

The emotional affair is completely unacceptable. So is trying to control what you discuss with your friends and family. So is his very rigid thinking about not compromising.

I think it might be worthwhile for you to try to separate out which of his behaviours are red lines for you. Because arguing about whether he or your Dsis need to apologise first is getting bogged down in unimportant minutiae when there are other much more important issues at play.

When he doesn't go to events don't make excuses for him - just say he doesn't want to come.

All of this.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 01/09/2023 10:35

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 19:20

@justasking111 definitely not being influenced by that. He’s as left as can be.

The only difference between leftist misogynists and rightist misogynists is that the first see women as public property (1) and the second see women as private property. Being a leftist doesn't mean that a man can't be a misogynist and doesn't mean that he can't be influenced by "MGTOW" websites and other areas of the manosphere. I single out "men going their own way" as it is the best ideological match for your husband's new behaviour.

(1) Incels get very creative thinking about "improving sexual access for non-alpha men", aka how unmarried women could be forced to date and be raped by the kind of men we rightly sprint at top speed from. As I said, they see women as public property.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 01/09/2023 10:39

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 22:27

You've had twenty years to address the problem of his toxic workplace.

Show quote history

No, he's had twenty years to address that. Not OP's problem.

⬇AND more importantly⬇

His toxic workplace is not an excuse to shit on his wife!

ZadocPDederick · 01/09/2023 10:44

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 16:00

No, he’s more in the camp of ‘if you think I’m an arsehole, I will cut you out of my life and only spend time with people who do make me happy’

Show quote history

He's going the right way to end up friendless and alone. His only hope is to come to his senses before every one of his friends and relatives have disappeared.

ZadocPDederick · 01/09/2023 10:53

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 16:11

This was part of the argument we were having this week. He stopped speaking to my sister nearly 2 years ago because of something she did. It wasn’t the nicest thing to do but I ended up in the middle of the argument, with her just shouting at me because he wouldn’t speak to her. He still is waiting for that to be resolved by her coming directly to him. When I pointed out that all that does is put me in the firing line, his response was that I should be defending him and his views. And until he receives her apology, he decided he’s got no need to speak to her ever again. So I have to keep making excuses at family get togethers as to why he isn’t there so that I don’t have to have his argument by proxy.

Show quote history

Why make excuses and get into this argument? Can you not say either that if they want to know why he's not there they will need to ask him, or alternatively that he's not there because he is currently in the grip of some sort of idiotic delusion about how to run his life? I know that this is likely to lead to questions about why you are still with him, but surely you are able to answer those?

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