DH’s brutal take on self love

[SpectacularSalt]

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

• compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
• speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
• For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
• Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

Ltb. For your childrens sake as well as your own.

Try not be embarrassed. It will let people know what you are going through.
When they say 'well that sounds childish', just say 'yes I know'.
Don't make excuses for him - he should be embarrassed not you. You need and deserve support.

How can I see things from his perspective?

You do see things from his perspective, @SpectacularSalt! You've described his perspective so clearly that I could meet him tomorrow and know exactly where he's coming from. He doesn't deserve a wife who understands his bonkers philosophy so well, but he's got one.

He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy

And he's telling you, repeatedly, that you don't make him happy. So give him what he wants.

Make sure you know how much money there is, including pensions, and where it is. Get a lawyer and a divorce. Think how much happier he'll be when he can spend all his free time telling the internet how everybody's wrong except him!

Think how much more relaxed your meetings with friends will be, and how nice it'll be to turn up at family things with no need to excuse an absent husband.

It's an all-round win.

I would not tolerate the emotional affair that is going on.
Sounds like he is trying to shag other women.
I agree the rest is a smoke screen.
You absolutely should be able to have it out with him.
Stop pandering to him.
As for not seeing your family that is up to him. Don’t make excuses just say he doesn’t want to come and say he no longer enjoys this type of thing. If anyone pushes it just reply, I have no idea, you will have to ask him.
He can do what he likes but you set your own boundaries.
He sounds quite controlling.

Well that's not how people normally handle it when they decide to cut people out. They normally don't make a big announcement about it.

He doesn't want a relationship with them or to see them so he doesn't have to explain himself to them.

It's your 'job' only because that's how it tends to work socially, if someone is missing from a get together and someone wants to know why then they ask the person closest to them.

What "music" would he be facing?

I feel I’m always on threads like this saying same thing. Please try couples counselling. They’ll find the middle ground worth exploring before throwing your marriage away with 3 kids in the mix

In one of your earlier posts you asked what does he want me to do?. How about you ask him? But remember this - just because he says he wants you to do something, doesn’t mean you have to do it. You don’t have to defend his stance to your family if you don’t agree with it, OP.

‘He’s decided not to come today’
’Why?’
‘He’s enforcing boundaries’
‘Well that sounds childish’
’No, it’s his new grown up stance’
’Yeah, well that’s what he’s decided. Beats me, but that’s what he says. Fancy a cuppa?’

Don’t lie, don’t excuse, don’t even explain - it’s not your responsibility to get them to understand. Just tell them that’s what he’s doing and that even though you don’t like it, you can’t change it.

You also don’t have to cut your family off because he wants you to, decline your mother’s phone calls because he wants you to, or never talk to your best friend about your marriage because he doesn’t like it.

The whole tenor of his position is that he wants to do things that make him happy, and not do things that don’t. And if that’s true for him, then it’s true for you as well. And when you want different things - well that’s when you talk, and compromise.

And if he won’t compromise ever, on anything, then you decide: put up with it, or leave.

Reading all your posts your family sound like a bit of a nightmare too, why should he have to put up? You choose to keep seeing them, just tell them whatever suits you best of not the truth. I think that bits on you.

So in real life, apart from you, who does he spend time with?

I'm wondering if he's been visiting those male sites /forums often American where they spout this type of garbage. They'll be egging him on to assert himself, spouting that they have Reclaim their lives, civil rights etc.

My DH went through a bit of this - was NC with parents, then when his sister was getting married, wanted to insist he wouldn't go unless she told his parents not to. Mad a big noise about "not compromising" until I pointed out he was actually trying to force his DSis to compromise and forcing the discomfort onto her. He didn't go, they did in the end.

Because as you said, it means HE has to face the music himself.

Instead he choses who to see/cut out and then expects you to do all the work, deal with the arguments and/or smooth things over.
And it’s working because that’s exactly what you are doing. Let’s say with your family etc…

I mean he even has managed to engineer a situation where he had an emotional affair but you can’t demand he proves to you he 1- isn’t having an affair anymore and 2- is reassuring you that he is putting you and his marriage with you first….

If you take away all of his claims about his motivation, what you end up with is:

He had an inappropriate online relationship with a woman in which he crossed some boundaries in a public way on social media, but he refused to modify or end it when you pointed out that it was crossing the boundaries of what is appropriate for a married man, and that it was hurtful to you.

He refuses to interact with your family which makes it difficult (but not impossible) for you to interact with your family. He has not explained to anyone in the family why he is doing this and expects you not to talk about the reasons with them which makes it difficult for you to interact with them.

He refuses to participate in social events he dislikes, whether with your family or your friends, resulting in you having gone without him to all friends and family meetups for the last year, which is socially awkward for you and makes it difficult for you attend these events.

He complains that it is "invasive" when you talk to your mother on the phone because he dislikes her.

These choices on his part are causing you to be socially isolated, thus having become a material problem for you in your life. Yet:

He tells you that you have no right to talk to anyone about these problems.

He criticises you for having negative feelings about his behaviors or for seeing his behaviors as problems at all.

All together, it looks to me as if what these behaviors have in common are that your husband has violated the boundaries of the marriage by exchanging inappropriate messages with another woman on social media and refusing to end that relationship. That he has isolated you socially and tries to prevent you from having a relationship with your family, even on the phone. And that he expects you to keep it a secret that he is doing these things.

These things are not really ok.

Because it’s you that’s affected, that’s why it’s up to you, why is covering for him better than just telling them ‘he doesn’t want to come’, you don’t need to elaborate why if you don’t want to, but I’d just tell them personally and get it over with, say he’s become antisocial during his midlife crisis and shrug your way out of any more questions, stop shouldering the blame.

It’s not that he can’t tell them, it’s that he won’t but the end result is the same, there’s no music to face, as he doesn’t intend on ever seeing them again.

Sorry to be harsh, but he doesn’t care about you any more, otherwise he’d care about the way this is making you feel, he’s checked out of this relationship, and he’s blaming you for being affected by it.. he’s a selfish prick.

what do your friends/family say about his personality change? Or have you covered for him so well no-one knows what’s going on?

Did he ever in his life, compromise, or sacrifice his own happiness for someone else? How was his behaviour different before?

@justasking111 definitely not being influenced by that. He’s as left as can be.

It's not up to other people to make him happy. We are each responsible for our own happiness. I suspect you know what you need to do.

You won’t want to hear this, but he’s unleashed his inner arseholeness.

Please quietly and sensibly tell him eff off and leave. The messaging the other woman is where your relationship should have ended.

Why are you tolerating this for yourself?

@LifeIsShitJustNow

Instead he choses who to see/cut out and then expects you to do all the work, deal with the arguments and/or smooth things over.
And it’s working because that’s exactly what you are doing. Let’s say with your family etc…

That's literally how it works 99% of the time when one person out of a couple falls out with people or doesn't want to see them. It's not some bizarre way of dealing with not wanting to see people that he's 'engineered'.

Good question. I’m just trying to think.

This is an abusive relationship. You should not have to put up with any of this. You need to get the fuck away from this toxic man.

I've just been down a few rabbit holes for you. Ick. Reddit especially.

Tbh the reason WHY he is behaving like this can be very varied, from the American forums mentioned befire to going on a self destructI’ve path to a mid life crisis etc…

Knowing the reason won’t change anything though because any changes will have to come from HIM. And he is clearly not in a place where he will put himself and his behaviour into question.

What you can change is your reaction to him, starting with giving him back the responsibility to deal with the mess he is creating.
So he isn’t coming to a family event?

• oh why is DH not coming?
• Well he decided he’d rather stay at home that day
• But why? What’s going on?
• The best is to ask him. I’m not quite sure.

His decisions arent your responsibility, will not bring shame onto you only on HIM.

Friends? Carrying in seeing them.
He has an issue with that? Tell him they are bringing joy and happiness in your life so you’ve chosen to see them but you accept it might not be the case for him and that’s ok. Everyone has different tastes and all that.

In the mean time, I’d work on your boundaries and reminding you that you cannot be the one responsible of his happiness, nor can you be responsible for the consequences of his actions. Until you stop feeling you have to be the one who comes to save him, the one to smooth things over, to sort out fights between adults etc… you’re not going to go anywhere.

@SpectacularSalt like others have said here there is no technique that will work with people like this - having been there myself I know this. If you indulge them and sympathise they get worse. If you try to stand up for yourself then it gets worse. If you ignore ditto. They start to see life in terms of "teams'. I was told that I wasn't on "his team" nor was our son. I began to think I was THE biggest bitch ever in the world yet in the end he was having an affair with a friend. He started to act as if he were a single person. He is now married to this woman and I thank god the day he left. He said he was the mouse who turned.

In every single issue that he doesn’t like? Friends, the OP’s family, his own family?

Really you’d expect your partner to step up and sort out every single issue you have for you?
I really dint think it’s a case of a normal relationship behaviour where one person will smooth things over to ease family relationships. But rather that he is using the OP as a shield to do whatever he wants instead.