Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH’s brutal take on self love

334 replies

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:49

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with a big issue that’s affecting my marriage. It’s been like this for about a year or so and things aren’t changing. I’m at a loss at what to do it say.
DH has had a kind of ‘moment’ in his head when he turned 50 whereby he has decided he’s put up with negative people who criticise him for too long. He decided that he has the right to just not take ‘their shit anymore’. And that was it. He changed. This change has been demonstrated in his behaviour towards all manner of things, but has caused the most difficulty for me in that he refuses to:

  • compromise with me on anything as that involves a degree of personal sacrifice/negativity for himself. The most tricky one in this for me was an online friendship he started with a single woman. When their public messaging on social media began to include calling each other gorgeous and sending heart emojis, I really began to worry what they were sending each other privately. He wasn’t willing to compromise on this friendship as talking to her made him happy and I was out of order and putting myself first for asking him to stop messaging her (since it was upsetting me).
  • speak to any of my family. He’s cut them out as they make him unhappy. He can’t see that this makes life very difficult for me and is annoyed that I question his right not to see them/socialise with them etc
  • For a period he refused to speak to him own mum as their political views are not aligned. He’s softened on this as she’s now terminally ill.
  • Doesn’t like me talking about our relationship problems with anyone, not even my best friend of 30 years.

He also spends lots of time online, with lots of different profiles, arguing with strangers to make sure his view on the world is heard.

When I try to talk to him about the impact of all of this on me he says I’m not supporting him to stand up for himself and that I should be backing him. He’s also refused to see any of our friends who he thinks I’ve talked to about his behaviour as he thinks I’ve lied to them about his mindset and painted myself as a victim.
So for the past year or so I’ve gone to all friends and family meet ups with the kids, but alone. But this just makes him more pissed off with me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. He says that he’s not putting up with anyone if it doesn’t make him happy, but it seems like the reverse is happening. He’s getting more and more unhappy and can’t understand why I’m not celebrating this life change he’s made. Is he just working up to telling me that I’m the cause of his unhappiness?
He works shifts and only gets the occasional weekend off, so often we are on different time tables. This makes it very difficult to talk. Plus we have 3 kids in the mix too.
What do I do? How can I see things from his perspective?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 20:58

He’s speculating that I talk about him to my friends. He doesn’t know for certain. Also if he’s invited out with me as a couple and he refuses to go, if I go, when I get home he says ‘oh I bet you had a good bitch about your miserable husband and what an arse he is’.

OP posts:
Dymaxion · 31/08/2023 21:00

The other thing I wonder , is how is he dealing with his professional relationships ? has he cut off all those people he works with who no longer make him happy or disagree with his opinions ?

MumGMT · 31/08/2023 21:01

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 20:58

He’s speculating that I talk about him to my friends. He doesn’t know for certain. Also if he’s invited out with me as a couple and he refuses to go, if I go, when I get home he says ‘oh I bet you had a good bitch about your miserable husband and what an arse he is’.

So he's paranoid then?
Or do you bitch about him? It's fine if you do because who doesn't from time to time..

I'm just curious about if it's all in his head, or if he's in fact accurate about how they perceive him, because if they do perceive him that way then I can see why he wouldn't want to be around them.

Lucy377 · 31/08/2023 21:02

"can they stop infringing on our time etc etc."

In relation to you seeing your sister and taking a call from your mother.

'Our time??' What a weird phrase.

Do you hardly ever see each other?

Does he own all the air in your lungs as well?

He seems to be madly jealous of anyone that gets your attention.

He sounds very possessive and using these ,ideas as a way to make your family out to be monsters.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:02

@MumGMT
I don’t see my family all the time. I’m not that close to them myself. But it’s just not a no-consequence decision to opt out of contact and leave me to pick up the pieces.

And I don’t know for certain he had an emotional affair. He spent a lot of time talking politics with another woman publicly and privately. He was adamant that it was platonic and was really aggrieved to have to stop ‘being mates’ with her because I didn’t like it/felt insecure etc etc

OP posts:
7eleven · 31/08/2023 21:04

OP, I think the cognitive dissonance you’re feeling is that you’re coming from the point where you think he is being reasonable.

He’s not being reasonable. That is why you can’t accommodate it.

You can’t change him but you can change your response.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 31/08/2023 21:06

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 13:56

I don’t know whether he does still talk to her or not. She blocked me on Twitter and I don’t know what his usernames are. I guess it’s possible they still talk privately though. Who knows though?

Tell him you're taking a leaf out of his book. You're going to cut people who make you unhappy/are too negative out of your life. He makes you unhappy/is too negative, so he needs to leave.

Dymaxion · 31/08/2023 21:06

He was adamant that it was platonic and was really aggrieved to have to stop ‘being mates’ with her because I didn’t like it/felt insecure etc etc

Which is odd when you consider how he reacts to your normal platonic relationships with friends ?

VeronicaSawyer89 · 31/08/2023 21:07

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 20:58

He’s speculating that I talk about him to my friends. He doesn’t know for certain. Also if he’s invited out with me as a couple and he refuses to go, if I go, when I get home he says ‘oh I bet you had a good bitch about your miserable husband and what an arse he is’.

I'd say that actually, yes you did because your husband is a miserable selfish arsehole.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:07

Dymaxion · 31/08/2023 21:00

The other thing I wonder , is how is he dealing with his professional relationships ? has he cut off all those people he works with who no longer make him happy or disagree with his opinions ?

This is part of the problem. He works in a hugely toxic environment, mostly men, who spend all their working day trying to stab each other in the back and call each other c*nts, non stop

OP posts:
Mirabai · 31/08/2023 21:08

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 20:58

He’s speculating that I talk about him to my friends. He doesn’t know for certain. Also if he’s invited out with me as a couple and he refuses to go, if I go, when I get home he says ‘oh I bet you had a good bitch about your miserable husband and what an arse he is’.

Take a leaf out of his book - do what makes you happy. “Yes I did bitch about you because you’ve turned into a massive arse, in fact we were discussing next steps for divorce.”

MumGMT · 31/08/2023 21:09

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:02

@MumGMT
I don’t see my family all the time. I’m not that close to them myself. But it’s just not a no-consequence decision to opt out of contact and leave me to pick up the pieces.

And I don’t know for certain he had an emotional affair. He spent a lot of time talking politics with another woman publicly and privately. He was adamant that it was platonic and was really aggrieved to have to stop ‘being mates’ with her because I didn’t like it/felt insecure etc etc

Would you accept it if he did tell him himself then?

Whether it was an emotional affair or not I think it was inappropriate and you were right to have an issue with it and he was an arsehole about it when you confronted him.

But I fully support anyones decision to not be around their in-laws........and I think it is a fair compromise that he doesn't have to have anything to do with them but shouldn't stand in your way of having your own relationship with them.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:12

@Lucy377
Yes, we rarely spend time together because of his shift work. He’s awake when I’m asleep and vice versa. We maybe get 30 mins handover time and the occasional evening a couple of times a month.

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 31/08/2023 21:16

Why would you want to see things from his perspective? He's being a selfish arse and using his 'self love' as an excuse to do so.

VanGoghsDog · 31/08/2023 21:18

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:07

This is part of the problem. He works in a hugely toxic environment, mostly men, who spend all their working day trying to stab each other in the back and call each other c*nts, non stop

Show quote history

He's in the police then?

This sounds like red pill, blue pill shit. I'd be noping out of that marriage I'm afraid, it's not going to improve.

frozendaisy · 31/08/2023 21:25

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 20:58

He’s speculating that I talk about him to my friends. He doesn’t know for certain. Also if he’s invited out with me as a couple and he refuses to go, if I go, when I get home he says ‘oh I bet you had a good bitch about your miserable husband and what an arse he is’.

So don't you answer "oooo Mr paranoid thought you were all self love eh! I had a lovely time thanks for asking"

Basically OP you life and time is precious, it's all we have a blink of an eye in geological time on this amazing rock, don't let him drag you down. Just be you how you want to be. If you want to be happy and social then fine. Doesn't need to be a confrontation, either it's going to work out or it isn't. Only time will tell.

ClementWeatherToday · 31/08/2023 21:26

I hate arguing. Hate it. The shouting, the insults, the accusations. He’s a master of ‘attack as defence’ in his logic as well. So currently I’m gaslighting him, I’m twisting the truth to fit my version of events, I’m painting him as the villain, I’m being a bitch and picking a fight etc etc. I can’t deal with that. It’s not in my personality.

What you're describing here isn't arguing. It's abuse. Arguing can be done respectfully, non-threateningly, productively. Invariably when person A accuses person B of gaslighting them you can, in my experience, rest assured that it's really person A who is gaslighting person B.

Also if he’s invited out with me as a couple and he refuses to go, if I go, when I get home he says ‘oh I bet you had a good bitch about your miserable husband and what an arse he is’.

This is horrific. Whatever you do, don't stop going out though. I really feel for you. A marriage should.not be like this. He's not behaving reasonably.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 31/08/2023 21:27

You don't need to pander to him op.

He doesn't want to speak to your family, that's fine and his prerogative. Your prerogative is that you tell your family why he won't engage with them - this is your self love

It's also your decision to speak to your mum each week, he doesn't have to be involved and this is how 'you' chose to spend an evening

You can also chose who you speak to about what topics, Thai includes him, if he doesn't like it then tough shit. It's the same tough shit he hands out with regards to his online friendship. He 'choses' to speak to her, so you 'chose' to speak to your friends

He can't expect total autonomy with no consequences and then expect to control how and what you spend your time on - double standards at best, controlling abuse at worst

Dymaxion · 31/08/2023 21:27

This is part of the problem. He works in a hugely toxic environment, mostly men, who spend all their working day trying to stab each other in the back and call each other cnts, non stop*

@SpectacularSalt How long has he worked in that environment ? It must be tough if he has worked like that for a long time , he knows he can't change it so is finding other outlets for his frustration ?

CatherinedeBourgh · 31/08/2023 21:30

I've only read your posts, and although he does come across as nasty I have to say if I were him your attitudes would drive me crazy.

No, he doesn't have to have a relationship with people he doesn't like to make your life easier. He's not stopping you from going to these things, you can just go and if asked about him you can just say 'he's not coming'. If anyone asks why, you just have to answer 'he didn't feel like it'. End of.

The fact that you think this is such a big deal leads me to think that his rather hard core take on things is a reaction to your extreme conflict avoidance leading to him having to put up with all sorts of things in order to avoid you having to stand up for yourself (or him). Sounds like what you are seeing is the result of decades of accumulated resentment.

Original poster
SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 21:32

@Dymaxion he’s worked there for nearly 20 years. It is really demoralising for him. I don’t know how he does it. But it pays the bills etc. I do think that he feels that he has no power and no influence at work so he’s exerting that in his private life. But in a really fucked up way. And I can’t point this out to him because it’s me being a ‘know it all bitch’

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 31/08/2023 21:35

SpectacularSalt · 31/08/2023 20:58

He’s speculating that I talk about him to my friends. He doesn’t know for certain. Also if he’s invited out with me as a couple and he refuses to go, if I go, when I get home he says ‘oh I bet you had a good bitch about your miserable husband and what an arse he is’.

He wants to isolate you and not allow you to do anything. And hates it when he can't control you.

Its abuse.

Pure and simple.

You can't do right thing no matter what you do. You can't talk about the people you love. You can't have friends.

But he can talk to other women on the internet and send them hearts etc and you are supposed to be ok about this?

Na. Thats not how a mutually respectful relationship works.

He wants you to end the relationship so he can be the hard done by party and you be the bad guy.

Except these are not the actions of the unharmed party.

Dymaxion · 31/08/2023 21:38

And I can’t point this out to him because it’s me being a ‘know it all bitch’

That's the issue isn't it, any mention of things not being totally tickety boo in his side of the world and its suddenly your fault, for either mentioning it in the first place or not going along with his random plans to deal with it ?

justasking111 · 31/08/2023 21:40

VanGoghsDog · 31/08/2023 21:18

He's in the police then?

This sounds like red pill, blue pill shit. I'd be noping out of that marriage I'm afraid, it's not going to improve.

Show quote history

OH god the police. Ours are serial shaggers. They've buried more sexual harassment cases than would seem possible in today's world. The stuff they put up on a rugby team what's app group, really nasty sexist, porno type stuff sometimes. Aussie comedians. It's grim.

RedToothBrush · 31/08/2023 21:41

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 31/08/2023 21:16

Why would you want to see things from his perspective? He's being a selfish arse and using his 'self love' as an excuse to do so.

He's too busy loving his own arse to love anyone else.

Swipe left for the next trending thread