Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How many times would you get married?

195 replies

BetteDavisEyes11 · 29/08/2023 10:41

I have been married twice, once very young and second time has lasted 10 years.

my mum has a very strong view that I should now not commit to anyone else or ever get married again.

Shes been married to my dad for 48 years.

I understand her perspective, but also she has never been in my position. I don’t believe marriage is a must for a serious relationship, however if I were to meet someone and wanted to marry again I wouldn’t want to be restricted or frowned upon for doing so.

OP posts:
Layinwait · 30/08/2023 10:13

Septemberdaysarehere · 30/08/2023 10:02

It’s tricky.
My brother had three relationships where he lived with them for longish periods of time. The fourth he was with for 10 years and engaged and had two children and then they split. He’s now been with someone for 3 years and they have 5 children between them and they have just moved in. He’s 50 and never married. I think he has done in mainly to protect his pension and now house. I think he could have married at anytime and realistic has had about 10 relationships with women he has moved in to his house - is that worse than mine two very short marriages?

I’ve been married twice and I would marry again having had a lot of therapy after the second.

My parents have been married 50 years plus and hate each other - they are vile to each other.

I reckon there’s multiple threads on mumsnet from wives and ex wives for your brother

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/08/2023 10:31

I've been married twice, first time I was too young and the second I thought was for life. That ended in divorce after his affair. It was so devastating and the trauma is so great that I don't think I'll ever have another relationship, let alone get married again. I don't trust my judgement either so twice was enough for me. It's not the same for everybody though! I know somebody who escaped an abusive first marriage, remarried to a wonderful man who died very suddenly only a few years in and now five years on is going to marry again. I am very happy for her.

Yoyooo · 30/08/2023 10:34

If only ever get married once, I couldn't bring another man into my children's lives who wasn't their father

travelogue · 30/08/2023 10:46

I don't see what it's got to do with anyone else. On what grounds does your DM frown upon it?

As long as you are financially protecting yourself / it's not detrimental to children etc etc like any relationship I don't see what the marriage / co-habiting or not elements have got to do with anyone. I mean. if you repeatedly invite the same friends to weddings expecting them to spend a lot of money on it all time and again - that's somewhat unreasonable 😂 objecting on some kind of "principal" is not for me.

I am in a second marriage (failed marriage when I was very young) we've been together 20 odd years with 3 DC and happy, so it's hard for me to imagine the scenario happening in my own life but if you were my friend and I thought you would be safe and happy I wouldn't judge, I think I'd be happy for you.

Sugarcoatt · 30/08/2023 10:51

I would marry as many times as I wanted to! I agree that as you get older it becomes more of a disadvantage to get married. You no longer need someone to help pay the bills. You probably have significant assets that might have to be split if you get divorced. And you probably have kids who you want to inherit your assets, you don’t want a husband who inherits instead of them. You want your kids to be your next of kin, not someone you only met a few years ago. But if I wanted to get married 2, 3, 10 times and it suited me to do so, I would.

DirectionToPerfection · 30/08/2023 10:56

Some of the posts here are quite sad (and judgemental). Having a relationship break down can be due to circumstances or sheer bad luck, and shouldn't be seen as some sort of moral failing. It certainly shouldn't preclude someone from finding happiness again.

My friend is on her third marriage. First one, they married too young and grew in different directions. Second husband was full of charm and said all the right things, but turned out to be an abusive narcissist. Her third husband is a genuinely lovely man and they are so well suited, I've never seen her so happy.

Clairebairn · 30/08/2023 12:39

You can marry as many times as you want, of course, but if I were you I’d be asking myself what I think the point of marriage is. You said you don’t think it’s a must for a serious relationship, so what does marriage offer for you that just being together doesn’t? Similarly if you don’t think that marriage should be forever and you can end a marriage if you want to, then again I’d be asking what’s the point of marriage for you? If you get to the bottom of that it might help you decide what to do.

Lollypolly13 · 30/08/2023 13:04

If it doesn't work out the 1st time I would try again but if that fails I certainly wouldn't be trying a 3rd time... it's personal choice though wedding cake isn't that nice tbh 🤣

User123456789101 · 30/08/2023 13:07

I've been married once when I was 21 we were together 9 and a half years and married 6 but he was abusive and cheated on me so we ended up divorced.
I've been with my current partner for just over 10 years now and I would marry him in a heartbeat, he is my safe space and has got me through so many difficult times over the years. I don't think it really matters how many times a person gets married as long as they are happy.

Silvers11 · 30/08/2023 13:11

I am on Marriage no 3 and we have now been married for almost 30 years. I am happy and as I am now 70, even if something were to happen to OH, realistically the chances of finding someone else for any kind of a relationship would be small. But if OH had died, let us say 20 years ago - I wouldn't have remarried again. Lived with someone - possibly, but definitely not married again

Marriage no 1 - I was 18 and he was 19. He drank, he lost more than one job because of it and the marriage ended when I was 20 and had a 4 month old baby. A very foolish mistake, but i thought I knew it all at age 17 and 18
Marriage no 2 - I was 23 and married someone much older than me ( 18 years older). We split up after we had been married for around 8 years. Nothing horrendous, we just weren't very compatible ( mostly, in retrospect because he was so much older)

I was 40 when I married for the 3rd time. Learnt from the first 2 and have a keeper now. But 3 would have been my limit!

Wisteria29 · 30/08/2023 13:14

I don’t believe there is a set number. It’s like saying that you will have a set number of children and all of them by a certain age. Certainly you can have intentions, but circumstances can come up to alter plans and you may see things in a different light.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 30/08/2023 13:16

BeReet · 29/08/2023 10:47

Once. I am married atm, but should anything alter that, then I would never want to share my space with a man on a permanent basis ever again.

This is very much how I feel.

Widower2014 · 30/08/2023 13:27

Horses for courses. The only person that can answer that question is you.

I suppose it would depend on how the marriage broke down. Mine was through sudden passing 9 yes ago. I have no interest in marriage as, in my heart, I am still married

ZadocPDederick · 30/08/2023 13:31

SIL is on husband no. 3. Must admit that, second and third time round, listening to those vows sounds increasingly hollow.

Fink · 30/08/2023 13:49

Once. He left 12 years ago, we've been divorced for 10. We were married for 4 years before he left. The marriage was annuled a year after the divorce so technically I haven't been married at all (in the eyes of the Church; according to the law of the land I have).

Once was enough for me to realise I prefer being single, although I'm not sorry for the experience (and obviously wouldn't be without the dc).

Based on the (very small) sample of people around me, I'd say two marriages isn't really commented on much, as long as there's a decent space between them. Three or more is where people start thinking it's not going to last. But I'm not sure that's specific to marriage, I've heard similar comments about people who end up in several long-term relationships without marriage.

Clarich007 · 30/08/2023 14:41

Interesting question.Get married as many times as you wish of course.It's no one's business but yours.Iv'e been married once.
I have been very lucky, married at 23, no children and always together.
I couldn't imagine my life without him.He's my rock.
Naturally we get on each other's nerves occasionally.
I'm now 72, he's 73, and have been married
nearly 49 years.
So because of all that, and my age, if anything happened to him, I wouldn't get married or live with anyone again. I couldn't be so lucky twice.Still, never say never 😁

Clarich007 · 30/08/2023 14:43

Excuse all the typos !!

SlippySarah · 30/08/2023 14:50

I would never get married, I dont really believe that it has a place in modern society and is very misogynistic at its core.

I sort of understand why young, loved up couples do it- its a "thing" to tick off I guess. No idea why anyone older would do it for a second or third time. You can be committed to each other without needing to make a big song and dance about it. If you have money to burn maybe you could donate it to charity instead of lining the pockets of event caterers and dress makers.

80s · 30/08/2023 14:53

my mum has a very strong view that I should now not commit to anyone else
Obviously it has nothing to do with her, but out of curiosity, what's the reasoning behind that?

I've been married once and am now in my 50s so at the moment I can't see any particular reason to marry again. If I wanted to marry, though, I guess I'd either do it 2/3 times like my grandmother did (though she outlived the last 2) or try to work up to about 6 or 7 times in the manner of a musician, Hollywood star or Henry VIII.

RaisinCain · 30/08/2023 14:55

My mum has been married three times.
Once at 18, lasted two years and she knew was a mistake on her wedding day! Then to my Dad, which lasted 10 years (he was an abusive twit). Then to my stepdad - married him at 42 and still going strong in their seventies.

I have no opinion on it, really. People should do what feels right for them.

I’ve only been married to my DH - 22 years & counting. If our marriage were to end or I was widowed, I wouldn’t marry again. I’m past childbearing age and I can’t see any benefit, really. I’m not even sure if cohabit with a man again. Sex and companionship only!

80s · 30/08/2023 14:57

HamishTheCamel · 30/08/2023 09:48

There's a difference between a marriage and a wedding. I would definitely never have a big white wedding for a 2nd / 3rd / 4th time even if I wanted to get married again.

Same here, it would be tiny.

Viewfrommyhouse · 30/08/2023 14:59

I've been married twice - currently very happy 11 years in. If anything were to happen though, I don't think I'd even date again, let alone marry.

LocalHobo · 30/08/2023 15:04

I have only ever attended religious wedding ceremonies, so in a civil ceremony do you not promise to stay married 'until death do us part'?
Having made that promise, I could only marry again if my DH died as I stick to my promises.
My MIL told me that her post lady "Must have something, as she is on her fourth husband" with much admiration in her tone. I'm not sure if the poor woman has been widowed 3 times or just hasn't the ability to commit , either way, I don't see it as a great achievement.

sunlovingcriminal · 30/08/2023 15:16

When me and my exH divorced I said never again.

And here we are, me and my dp, been together for 3 years, and we're talking about getting married. Neither of us never thought we'd entertain that notion again, but well, now we are! We have (gasp) kids each. Very non-mn, but they all get along (double gasp), and get along with us adults too, and it all works pretty well!

So to answer your question- who knows! I'd marry as many times as I felt I wanted to, and depending on what life throws at me!

There isn't a one size fits all! And all those people who say "only once", people change, situations change, and I'm happy to flex with it all!

80s · 30/08/2023 15:20

I'm not sure if the poor woman has been widowed 3 times or just hasn't the ability to commit , either way, I don't see it as a great achievement.
I should think she's been poisoning them for the insurance money. If she's got away with it that's a real achievement.
Seriously, why those two choices? Most likely it's a combination, like everyone else posting. Abuse, infidelity, marrying too young and growing apart. She might have been fully committed and lived with them for years before something happened she had no control over at all. I stuck to my promise for 20 years before my exh showed me what he thought of his vows.

@sunlovingcriminal congratulations on your engagement, what made you change your mind?