Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

[SperaT]

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

OP, I’m a super introverted and non social person. My idea of hell is having to share living space ( my home or anywhere) with anyone except my partner and kids. During my early 20’s, faced with tough choices I chose to live in a self contained micro flat someone had built in their garden shed with no heating, rather than share a huge, warm house with one other person. I just don’t like people. Is your other half a bit like me? Does he shudder at the thought of having to speak to someone over his morning coffee, having to make small talk to someone of an evening and this makes him nervous? If so, your obvious compromise is to allow use of your spare room say once a month but excuse him from having to interact with guests. Do you have an en suite, tv, mini fridge in the main bedroom? Because that would allow him to camp in there till guests have gone. I’m pretty extreme antisocial, but I know I’d be fine with that. You’ve every right to be a host if you want to be, he’s every right not to. Make it comfortable for you both.

If OP is the kind of person who'd have houseguests once a month and her husband the kind of person who hates ever having houseguests, then they have a serious compatibiliy issue and may need to have a serious conversation about their life together.

In my case, this happens around 2-3 times a year and so far this arrangement has worked for us. It also worked in one situation where I did like DH's friends a lot but was not up to socialising (stressful deadlines at work) so I just went to my mum's and he told his friends I was travelling for work. No one was the wiser, no one felt forced to entertain. Both my husband and I have anxiety, so we understand each other and try to help each other. Clear communication and mutual respect are very important. We talked about this entire hosting aspect in detail before we opened our new home to visitors.

I agree with another MNer, that to ban just the couples, I don't get it. May be OP's DH has some hidden MH or anxiety issues? Otherwise he is just being weird and difficult.

2-3 times a year is very doable and maybe even something to look forward to for the person who goes away.

I think the couples are the issue because OP expects her DH to entertain the male half morning and evening. That's not fair when they are her guests. She's insisting he step up for her guests that he doesn't want.

This is what I thought

It's very easy to say her dh could do his own thing on the weekend people are visiting, but social norms don't work like that. Everyone would think he was weird if he didn't join in with dinner, chatting, breakfast. It would seem strange if he did his own thing, he knows this.

What he's saying is he doesn't want to do that, which is absolutely acceptable and he's offered compromises.

@SperaT Having read the whole thread I'm hard put to say that either of your stances are unreasonable in themselves. It sounds like you just see having visitors in different ways, and have different mental pictures of how much effort is required of the host's partner (I mean, ideally you'd be co-hosts but that's evidently not how it's going). He didn't express himself kindly and that's on him, but it sounds like it came out of frustration.

It's not unreasonable of you to want to have friends to stay and actually have them with you. I would want that too. But from your husband's perspective it likely does seem like there have been a lot of actual visits in the past year (it's possible that "just one night" doesn't feel much less disruptive than an entire weekend to him).

I think you might need to make it very clear to him that you don't expect him to participate (yes, I know you would prefer him to be there for dinner and breakfast... but you might need to let that go). And maybe set an absolute numerical limit to visits per year. The "no couples" thing seems daft to me, but if you talk him into allowing that (once a year? Only cousin+partner and nobody else?) some other concession seems fair. And how often do you expect him to go out with your friends? I don't think I've asked my OH to do that ever. Spaces in your togetherness and all that... you don't have to do absolutely everything together.

I'm close to my family and love to see them but, especially now we have kids, our weekends are the only time we have to run errands, take care of house and garden, get exercise and self-care, do tasks that require both of our input etc. (Before someone asks, we can't do it all on weekday evenings as OH has a chronic medical condition and has to get a lot of sleep to manage it.)

I'm quite sociable and even I've caught myself thinking "Not ANOTHER weekend social event that will take up a chunk of our limited free time," even though I genuinely want to see the people... I just wish I had no competing claims on my time! One weekend off is fine. Several and anxiety starts to build about all the undone tasks.

Well as it's your house too he can Put His Foot Down all he likes and you can ignore.

If he doesn't like it he can go somewhere else for the few nights, can't he?

I started off think your DH was unreasonable, but then I started adding up how much socialising you are both doing. And for an introvert, it's a lot. (You say you don't think it's much, a lot of people on this thread disagree.) And it sounds like he finds it stressful, if the price of having your friend to stay is that he won't join in with your social events any more.
I find it quite stressful having people to stay, even people I love, and if my DH started inviting people without my consent I'd be very upset.
You need to listen to him OP. If having your cousin to stay is so important to you then you need to find a way that your DH can cope with. He's trying to come up with compromises now it's your turn.

Having lived with someone with an invisible disability that impacts on socialising for 20+ years, I get that social norms dictate certain behaviours. But it's also been my experience that with people you are genuinely close to, you can just say "Paul can't eat with us tonight," or "he has an early start tomorrow so you'll have to excuse him," and it won't be an issue. (If it were, I'd rethink having these people to stay at all.)

My beloved sibling's DP works antisocial hours and also has a skosh of social anxiety. I've spent visits at their house and barely seen them sometimes. Am I offended? Nope. It's nice to see them when we can but it doesn't always happen and that's OK.

@SperaT I do think you misrepresented the problem a bit in your OP because you clearly have quite a few houseguests during the year.

Based on your updates, I think the problem may be more that you impose social expectations on him ie not only that the guests stay but that he joins you for meals, breakfast etc. How would he respond if you took that out of the equation? We have quite a few houseguests one way and another but my DH and ND DD need a lot of alone time and they take that time when we have guests.

This is exactly the reason why I went to my mum's, when hubby had his friends over, friends with whom I get along very well. It was a stressful week at work and I just wanted to vegetate that weekend. I could have certainly done that at my own home, while DH played the host for his friends downstairs, but when you entertain as a couple, societal norms dictate that you be physically present together, to do the entertaining. It simply is not polite to do your own thing when one has guests at home. I could hardly close the door of my room, listening to music and unwinding, while my hubby made excuses for me... the guests will only take it as I was ignoring them or, worse, didn't want them visit and being passive aggressive! It was a far better option to just leave, instead of being forced to entertain and I am now very glad that DH understands me. If he'd 'put his foot down' and told me that I have to entertain despite me not wanting to, it'd not have down well at all!

This. Whether or not she is "imposing social obligations" in a conscious or overt way (it could be unintentional!) he is evidently feeling them. She could try having a conversation about releasing him from them, or setting a minimum if he feels he must make an appearance at some point or seem unfriendly.

I can sympathize with you on this - I'm someone who loves to welcome people into my home, loves having people visit, but my husband HATES it. Even (my) family is difficult, and it's an issue that has nearly led to us separating more than once because I refuse to turn down requests from family to stay with us. We're also in London, so on top of the fact that I just want to say no, I feel really bad about it because I know how expensive the alternatives are. He doesn't have much family or friends, but the ones he does have I give them the same welcome as my own family and friends and it's not a problem at all. He's basically barely talking to one member of my family because he feels they visited too often and were taking advantage - their last visit was such an awkward experience because he was being so rude to them. I can sympathise to an extent because it's his home too and he should be comfortable there, but it means I have to give up a big part of who I am and I feel I'm distancing myself from people I love.

I can see it from both sides. I find it difficult having other ppl stay but when I was married we did have another couple stay that were my husbands friends. We didn’t have family stay (it would have been my family) but a close friend of mine that got on well with my husband did stay occasionally after a night out. My husband was controlling- one issue with a sound explanation- is ok. If you’re not allowed other things - who you go out with, where, what you wear- that’s different. He wouldn’t say a blanket no. What he would do is say- you look fat in that, that makes your bum look big, your too old for that (you haven’t asked his opinion and you thought it looked good). When you go out with x you always end up drinking too much and regret it the next day when you’re ill. I’m surprised you’re going out with xxxx, xxaa will be there and I didn’t think they liked you. What you going there for - it’s where all the young kids go - you’ll look stupid. Sounds almost helpful in isolation and starts much more subtle than what I’ve written. Slowly it gets worse and as a one off comment there’s nothing really bad - it’s the accumulation and constant comments. All designed to control and take away your confidence.

My initial response, like many other's was "ignore the guy, you can have whomever you like to stay" but after reading the reasons you said your DH gave, I do have some sympathy for him. Hosting overnight guests can be quite hard work, particularly when one of them is neither your friend nor family. I do occasionally have my husband's couple friends over and I have to admit, sitting the whole evening / morning / weekend with someone whom I have little in common while my DH engrossed in his catch up with his mate is not something I relish. The fact that you are in London would probably mean a you're likely to have more guests "visiting you" because they are also there for a show / event / sight seeing. Have a little think if you would be happy if the table is turned.

I’ve found reading all the replies to this post really interesting.

Obviously some people enjoy having overnight guests more than others which is perfectly ok, we are not all the same, but when did we become so bloody selfish that we can’t possibly put the needs of others ahead of ourselves on the odd occasion? The OP gives the example of a cousin that lives abroad coming with her partner. It could well be that they would be unable to visit London financially if they had to pay for a hotel as well. So I think it would be perfectly reasonable for OP to have them stay as she has a perfectly good en suite guest bedroom. Then a) she would be able to catch up with a cousin she rarely sees, b) would potentially enable cousin to have a trip that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford and c) get to know cousins partner who they don’t know very well. Her DH should facilitate this if it is a rare event as it is important to his wife and not doing so is just completely selfish IMO even if he finds it difficult.

It's always ok for a partner to express a preference. It's never ok for them to 'not allow' the other partner to live as they choose.

That goes both ways though. Either way one will encroach on the other's living as they choose. This is why they need to work out a compromise that works for both of them.

There have been plenty of times I've not let DH live the way he chooses. When he decided he wanted to be generous and let family camp in my living room for two months. When I agreed to be the gracious host for his optional work thing and got all the food prepared (with three preschoolers) and he informed me two hours beforehand that he forgot to tell me they were vegan. The first I decided to move out for. The second I refused to do it again since that was his level of consideration. Too bad if it gets in his way of being the good and generous person to others and cramps the image he wants to portray. It was at my expense.

He threatened to not come out with you socially?? That's a bit weird.

Can you remind him of some of the compromises you make for him? Try to turn this more positive? I know that's really hard when it sound like things have gone a bit negative on this topic.

But if you plan to have a long marriage, you'll need to find compromise sometimes. Both of you.

Is this happening in the context of a happy marriage? Or are things strained in other areas?

I don't think it's unreasonable for your husband to say no if he is uncomfortable having strangers in his home. It's home and not a hotel. I think he is being very reasonable offering to take them out for a meal and keeping the household safe by not inviting strangers. I personally would feel uncomfortable if my husband invited his friends and their spouses. Close friend maybe but not the spouse. You just don't know the mental status of someone and you hear horror stories all the time. I rather be safe than sorry and also it's not worth ruining your relationship by keeping a stranger happy and not your spouse.

he sounds really anti social

having your mates stay over from time to time really isn’t some outlandish request

Ugh he sounds miserable! My H wouldn’t do this but if he did it would quickly descend into ‘well if you don’t come to my social events then I won’t entertain your family’ etc etc. Not very mature but it does seem to stop him throwing his weight around 😆

Can't you find a compromise position by agreeing that he doesn't have to socialise/have breakfast/change his usual routine? Although you might like him to spend time with your guests is it more important to you that you can offer a bed?

As someone who do not want anyone staying over, including immediate family, I can sympathise with your DH. I would rather pay for their hotel. A home should be somewhere that one can relax in.

I completely agree.

It’s not like he has said no to all guests and they do have guests over, which is a good compromise but just not couples as they can easily get a cheap hotel or OP can go and visit them.

This is controlling and I would be splitting up over it. Total deal-breaker.