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Original poster

Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

285 replies

SperaT · 29/08/2023 10:36

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

OP posts:
Dillane · 31/08/2023 07:28

He’s a control freak OP, why are you putting up with this nonsense?

OilOfRoses · 31/08/2023 07:33

I don't think you should just tell him guests are coming (it's his home as much as yours) but I don't think he should always say no. Me and DH check with each other if we want someone to stay to make sure it suits the other. There needs to be room for both needs to be met. So work out together with some give and take how many weekends it's acceptable to have visitors per year, or what spacing, then you fill them how you want. Maybe he's worried that if he accepts visitors as you wish, there will be a never ending stream of people staying? I know I couldn't cope with that.

FrangipaniBlue · 31/08/2023 07:39

It sounds like between just your family and friends if it were up to you there would be people staying almost once a month and you expect him to make an appearance/be sociable with them?

That would be a firm no from me too.

nettie434 · 31/08/2023 08:00

SperaT · 29/08/2023 10:59

No I don't think he has a problem with a couple having sex in the spare room!

It's more that having a male partner there means he feels more obliged to be hospitable (e.g. join for breakfast).

Show quote history

I know this doesn't help you with this situation, SperaT, but his idea that he has to be more hospitable to a male partner makes me imagine him sighing wearily as he puts on his smoking jacket, brushes up on the latest football scores and practises his billiards.

If you had guests all the time then I can understand him feeling slightly resentful. You've also made it clear that you don't expect him to stay up late chatting and then get up early to cook breakfast. I'd be a bit tempted to book into the same hotel as your friends and parents and leave him to it!

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 31/08/2023 08:11

Why is he in charge?

randomusernam · 31/08/2023 08:12

If this is how he behaves I wouldn't be asking his permission. I'd be telling him they are coming to stay end of.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/08/2023 08:18

On mumsnet loads of people are really funny about having people stay in their home , they view it as some kind of “invasion” so you might not get that much sympathy here OP

SoShallINever · 31/08/2023 08:22

Who even says "put my foot down", I don't think I've heard that since the 1970s.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 31/08/2023 08:24

SperaT · 29/08/2023 22:31

....but it's hard: he said that if I just go ahead and invite couples anyway, he won't come along to any more social events with my friends.

Sounds great to me!

TheAverageJoanne · 31/08/2023 08:29

You've posted about this before some months ago? I've seen the exact same story before in April from Abbi634. Is that you? If so did you take the advice and do anything?

MrsRachelDanvers · 31/08/2023 08:36

Tell him to go away for the weekend when you have someone to stay. Then he doesn’t have to put up with it.

RadishAndTwiglet · 31/08/2023 08:40

I think he's being completely unreasonable and a bit strange, but then I am a very hospitable person, not everyone is. Before anyone starts telling you he's controlling and borderline abusive, I have read plenty of posts on MN in my time from women who just do not invite or enjoy visitors in any form, other than their own parents, in their house. They say things like 'it's my private space, my sanctuary, I'd feel anxious having people in my home for a meal or a barbecue or staying the night. There's no need for it. That's what restaurants and hotels are for.' But they'll happily go to other people's homes when invited.

Perhaps your husband is just one of those.

Pleaseme · 31/08/2023 08:44

Lots of people don’t like houseguests. I’m sociable etc but I find it hard to switch off when hosting. Something about having people in my space makes me uncomfortable. It’s not a big thing I just don’t have overnight guests. I’d be unhappy if I was pushed into it.

OilOfRoses · 31/08/2023 08:47

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 31/08/2023 08:11

Why is he in charge?

Why is she?

This is the sort of thing couples need to work out together, to strike a happy medium. That might end up being more often than he wants but less often than she wants. If she wants guests, she also has to not require him to play host the way she wants. Guests or no guests, I have my morning coffee in bed now that my kids are older. If my husband wants morning small talk with the guests he invited, he can do it.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 31/08/2023 08:47

This is really difficult. I'd understand him not wanting a constant flow of house guests, I couldn't be bothered with that either and lots of people like to visit London after all....is he worried about starting a trend? That some family/friends visiting will lead to a string of them?

Wanting to have guests stay a few times a year is totally reasonable. And yes, if he is there then he needs to be hospitable to an extent on these occasions as well.

MillWood85 · 31/08/2023 08:52

Out of interest, OP, what would happen if you "put your foot down" and just invited people?

SpareHeirOverThere · 31/08/2023 08:55

His stance - very limited guests - is just as rational and justified as yours.

No one is wrong in their preference, but you each have very different attitudes to overnight guests: he prefers never and you prefer relatively often.

So, a compromise is needed. And in fairness to him, he has attempted a compromise.

The problem starts with 'allowing' and 'putting his foot down'. But honestly I don't hear you compromising at all. You don't seem to think his preference for solitude in his own home has any merit. It does, just as much as your desire to have friends stay over.

You two need a better way of resolving the conflict. And that usually starts with acknowledging that the other party has a point.

captainmarvella · 31/08/2023 08:59

SperaT · 29/08/2023 10:36

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

My husband is like this. To be honest, so am I. But only in this situation - when I have houseguests, that he is not keen on, and when he has houseguests that I am not on keen on. So what we have done, twice when these situations arose is, he went to stay with his folks (who were delighted to have him, catch up), and I went away with a friend on a girlie break. So the other was free to host the guests in our home. This has worked for us, because neither is forced to entertain when we don't want to. Would something like this work for you, OP?

Your husband in any case needs to use better communication with you. "Putting his foot down" nope.

Lovelybeansfromnextdoor · 31/08/2023 08:59

TheAverageJoanne · 31/08/2023 08:29

You've posted about this before some months ago? I've seen the exact same story before in April from Abbi634. Is that you? If so did you take the advice and do anything?

Edited

I was thinking I have read this exact scenario on here before too.

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/08/2023 09:01

Difficult. Lots of people saying “controlling, it’s your house too” but isn’t it equally controlling to force someone to have guests that they don’t want in their home, too? Not sure what the compromise is.

OilOfRoses · 31/08/2023 09:03

SpareHeirOverThere · 31/08/2023 08:55

His stance - very limited guests - is just as rational and justified as yours.

No one is wrong in their preference, but you each have very different attitudes to overnight guests: he prefers never and you prefer relatively often.

So, a compromise is needed. And in fairness to him, he has attempted a compromise.

The problem starts with 'allowing' and 'putting his foot down'. But honestly I don't hear you compromising at all. You don't seem to think his preference for solitude in his own home has any merit. It does, just as much as your desire to have friends stay over.

You two need a better way of resolving the conflict. And that usually starts with acknowledging that the other party has a point.

Just want to echo this response. His wishes count too.

OilOfRoses · 31/08/2023 09:05

captainmarvella · 31/08/2023 08:59

My husband is like this. To be honest, so am I. But only in this situation - when I have houseguests, that he is not keen on, and when he has houseguests that I am not on keen on. So what we have done, twice when these situations arose is, he went to stay with his folks (who were delighted to have him, catch up), and I went away with a friend on a girlie break. So the other was free to host the guests in our home. This has worked for us, because neither is forced to entertain when we don't want to. Would something like this work for you, OP?

Your husband in any case needs to use better communication with you. "Putting his foot down" nope.

Show quote history

Could you do that once a month though, going away so the other can have guests? That's probably okay up to about four times a year. I think if I constantly had to leave my home I'd just not come back.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 31/08/2023 09:06

That’s kind of bizarre, if your DH had a blanket ban for anyone staying overnight at all then I’d completely be on his side (ND and hate the feeling of having people that I don’t live with staying overnight, though I do suck it up so DC can have their friends over to sleep). But to only ban couples from staying is really weird.

OilOfRoses · 31/08/2023 09:12

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 31/08/2023 09:06

That’s kind of bizarre, if your DH had a blanket ban for anyone staying overnight at all then I’d completely be on his side (ND and hate the feeling of having people that I don’t live with staying overnight, though I do suck it up so DC can have their friends over to sleep). But to only ban couples from staying is really weird.

I think he might be against couples because OP expects him to entertain the male half of the couple? Hence why he's good with single friends staying because that's all on OP.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 31/08/2023 09:13

I would have thought that the easy solution to this is that you simply say that they are your guests and you will entertain them. He can go to work or go elsewhere if it's a weekend.

Of course, that means if his family come, there is no expectation on you to entertain them. Works both ways - whether it's family or friends.