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Original poster

Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

285 replies

SperaT · 29/08/2023 10:36

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

OP posts:
Toomanylaughs · 30/08/2023 16:56

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 29/08/2023 11:13

Going against the grain here but I think he is compromising!

My guess is he would rather have no one stay at all / no guests ever but recognising that it’s the OP’s home too, he’s compromised on close family couples & single people.

I’m an introvert & the thought of having anyone in my home for extended periods of time is my worst nightmare! I’d too be more comfortable with close family couples (as I’d know them better) & single people so it’s less people to deal with at a time & less likely I’d have to entertain them directly therefore giving me a chance to retreat for quiet time.

I get where he’s coming from.

I agree. I’d love to host guests if I ever get married and have a house big enough to, but I’d totally get it if my husband didn’t.

It’s not his house alone but I think it’s worse to enforce guests on someone that doesn’t want them, than just not having guests if someone does want them.

kitsuneghost · 30/08/2023 16:57

I have to disagree with it being controlling
Whether he is being unreasonable or not is one issue but not controlling

Yes it is both their home
but you have to BOTH agree to something before going ahead
whether that be pets, children or even guests staying

If OP was uncomfortable with a friend of her husbands staying would we be saying she is controlling. No - I guarantee everyone would be saying that she is well within her rights to refuse

MeridaBrave · 30/08/2023 17:24

My DH is a bit antisocial. We also have spare room with en-suite. He said he doesn’t mind who stays but don’t expect him to cook or chat to my friends esp in the week. Fair enough.

SheilaFentiman · 30/08/2023 17:29

kitsuneghost · 30/08/2023 16:57

I have to disagree with it being controlling
Whether he is being unreasonable or not is one issue but not controlling

Yes it is both their home
but you have to BOTH agree to something before going ahead
whether that be pets, children or even guests staying

If OP was uncomfortable with a friend of her husbands staying would we be saying she is controlling. No - I guarantee everyone would be saying that she is well within her rights to refuse

I guarantee “everyone” would not, unless said friend had form for hitting on OP or vomiting into her plants

ohdamnitjanet · 30/08/2023 17:30

Sorry Mary and John, you can’t stay for a weekend and have a lovely fun sociable time with me, in my house, even though I would love you to, because my wankfest of a husband does not give you permission.
Go and spend a fortune in a shit hotel instead and I’ll pop in for a couple of hours. Won’t that be lovely?

Thinkingpod · 30/08/2023 19:14

It's your house too. Put him in a hotel and have your friends over

Callyem · 30/08/2023 19:58

Its forced socialisation. If a single friend stays - the socialising falls to you. If it is a couple, he has to play an active part in the hosting & socialising. I'd hate it too.

69Pineapples69 · 30/08/2023 20:08

🚩

iamenough2023 · 30/08/2023 20:19

While I understand that some people are less sociable then the others and that everyone has right to feel safe in their own home, I still find it very peculiar that so many people are so against it. In some societies multiple generations live together in one, usually very small space, and they cohabit seamlessly. In fact in most of the places around the world it used to be like that in the past. I find that nowadays, especially in western world, people are so estranged from each other, it is so disheartening.

Bottom line, unfortunately is this, you and your husband are not compatible. Sure, you cannot force him to do what he does not want to do, but you should also be allowed to live your life the way that suits you. If you find that this is unacceptable for you and especially if this is not the only thing that the two of you disagree on, I am afraid this relationship will not be sustainable. You will start to feel resentment towards him and it will be difficult to come back from it after a while. It is up to you to decided what you will do.

aboutbloodytime123 · 30/08/2023 20:30

I have never asked permission for friends to stay over! I always tell him beforehand and I suppose if there was a problem with the date he would say but we live a long way from friends and family and unless they specify that they are getting a hotel I would just assume they were staying with us, whether they are "his" side or mine. My partner has never said a word about it. He's not always the most sociable and sometimes he will sit out a late night gossip (!) But he's happy for me to do it. Likewise I tend to avoid hours of sports chat but it doesn't bother me that he's enjoying himself.

Brightandshining · 30/08/2023 20:39

Really wierd. He needs to compromise and take it on a case by case basis. He can't just 'not allow' you to have guests you want in your own home. Unless he has very good reason for not wanting a specific person in the house then this is absolutely ridiculous.
Theres people I won't allow to stay here that my husband has asked for but I have very real specific reasons for that. I woukd never give out a blanket rule. And im an anxious introverted person but he has a right to have friends round his own home just as you do.

OhmygodDont · 30/08/2023 20:41

Brightandshining · 30/08/2023 20:39

Really wierd. He needs to compromise and take it on a case by case basis. He can't just 'not allow' you to have guests you want in your own home. Unless he has very good reason for not wanting a specific person in the house then this is absolutely ridiculous.
Theres people I won't allow to stay here that my husband has asked for but I have very real specific reasons for that. I woukd never give out a blanket rule. And im an anxious introverted person but he has a right to have friends round his own home just as you do.

Surely he has compromised. Close family and single people can sleep over. He goes on her socials that she wants him to once a month.

Insisting that everyone op wants can sleep over whenever would just be walking all
over him. Just as him saying nobody ever would be him being a dick. The compromise is some people some times.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2023 21:05

'Feels pressure to join for breakfast'

That's so odd. Either he usually eats breakfast, in which case there's just extra person there. Or he doesn't, in whcih case you can say he's still in bed/he's out for. Arum he doesn't eat breakfastZ

It's a very antisocial attitude to have. What he seems to mean is 'I have no interest in getting to know your friends boyfriends or husbands at all' and is putting a blanket foot down about this. How unfriendly.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2023 21:05

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/08/2023 17:28

For example I like going to parkrun and getting a coffee on a Saturday morning. If DH had his friend over they'd be catching up. It DH had his friend and their wife over (who I don't know well because she's the wife of DH's friend, not a couple that is a mutual friendship) then I'd hate feeling like I've got to cancel my plans to hang around the house and 'host' someone.

I like doing Parkrun and getting a coffee on a Saturday morning too. Having things you like to do doesn't mean you have to do them literally every time. Parkrun isn't going anywhere- it's on every Saturday every year. I can't imagine resenting missing it very occasionally to be sociable to guests.

From early in our marriage, we occasionally had dh's uni friends (and their partners, if they had them, and later their wives and children) to stay, or went to stay with them. I didn't know them at first, but they became my friends too.

Also, you can go for a run when you have guests, that's still allowed

HeyThere111 · 30/08/2023 21:21

It's your house. Put your foot down and inform him you have someone staying. I would never ask my husbands permission.

He sounds incredibly controlling to threaten he won't socialise with your friends if you do something he says no to.

IndigoLaFaye · 30/08/2023 22:45

SperaT · 30/08/2023 11:18

@GLORIAGloriarse you asked how often people are coming overall.

The answer is not that often.

My parents have come to stay twice in the last year, and each time for around 3 night. My sister has stayed twice in the last year.

When a good friend has asked to stay the night with her husband, I've had to say no. So we haven't had friends to stay.

I've told him I'm totally happy for his family for friends to stay. But his family stay in hotels.

And in terms of socialising with friends generally - he sometimes comes to events with my friends (maybe once a month on average), and I go to events with his friends. But we often see our own friends separately too. So I really don't think I've pushed him or pressurised him into socialising with my friends too much, as some PP are suggesting.

Personally I think that is quite a bit already.

I also don’t like people staying over, although one night at a time is less bothersome. It means I can’t relax and just be. There’s lots of social expectations, being forced to be with people who you don’t necessarily have anything in common with - which is fine at work or something but grates in my own home.

Having said that, if whoever I lived with wants to have people over I dont think I would stop them from doing so unless it was completely excessive (most weekends).

I personally would compromise. If you want your cousin/friend over tell hubby he can go away for the night with a friend of release him from any social aspect. You say you’d expect him there for dinner and breakfast, yeah that’s nice but there isn’t actually a reason for him to be there beyond it being polite. If he doesn’t want to do it, he shouldn’t have to.

abs12 · 31/08/2023 01:04

He's emotionally manipulating you. It's the same as saying, if you really loved me you'd let my cousin stay.

He is being utterly absurd. He is also being incredibly selfish. If you have the room, open your doors to the world, it makes life so much more brilliant. I feel sad for this situation.

That said, no idea what the hell you do. I'd probably negotiate for one time and see how it goes. Just once and in fact, I'd probably tell him that's what's happening, much like he tells you. Perhaps remind him he's a grown man and he is more than capable of being polite and turning up for a piece of toast. God it's so embarrassing for you.

Just to reiterate, he's being an utter dick.

RosaKim · 31/08/2023 05:13

I agree with him

thishasnotmyweek · 31/08/2023 06:56

I come from a very social family where guests would never be turned away, and I was regularly asked to share a bed as a kid with my cousins / siblings / friends kids so extra adults could sleep over and have my bed.

If I had a spare room and told my family or friends they had to stay in a hotel they would be very confused and think it was madness, it just isn't the done thing and I think it's very mean! I would be very put out if my friend said I had to stay in a hotel and I knew she had a spare bed, but if you told me it was your husband dictating this I'd be more understanding.

That said, I wouldn't expect my husband to come and sit for breakfast. I would expect him to be civil and say hello if he saw them, but if he wanted to stay out of the way that would be fine too.

BackFromABreak · 31/08/2023 06:57

Tricky one. It seems a ridiculous blanket rule on the face of it, but reading between the lines it seems he suspects that with no rule you'd be inviting people over a lot. I wouldn't like to constantly have overnight guests either. My parents stay a few nights about as often as yours and it's not nothing, hosting takes effort and your life revolves around it for those days.

Rivergardens · 31/08/2023 07:14

So in a year that’s 4 weekends with your relatives and 12 weekends seeing your friends. So 16 weekends spent socialising with your side. So that’s a third of the year plus you do a few things apart, which I personally think is healthy but then you also do the occasional thing with his friends. So including the other weekends how many is that a year?

Does it mean you are doing stuff with others or apart for almost half the weekends of the year? I absolutely love hosting and seeing friends but honestly half the weekends of the year would be a bit much to always be doing something.

Before children DH and I would often spend a lazy morning in bed after the relentless grind of FT jobs with horrendous commutes. Do you get much time as a couple just to do stuff like that, real downtime.

hylian · 31/08/2023 07:15

SperaT · 29/08/2023 10:45

Thanks @andyourpointiswhat . I think 'not allow' is the right word to use, because he said he 'has put his foot down' on it.

@TwigTheWonderKid he doesn't have any neurodiverse issues.

So what happens if you 'put your foot down' as well and say that you will have friends to stay when you want to?

To me, accepting your spouse's friends/ family is just part of being married or in a long term partnership. That includes the occasional overnight stay. He is absolutely being unreasonable.

You can't let your husband control your relationships this way (because that is what is happening) - this will affect your long term relationships with your friends. You need to stand up for yourself on this one. He's trying to manipulate you by saying he won't attend other social events if you have people over - don't accept that. When he says that you need to open up a discussion about your marriage and how awful and manipulative that is. To be honest, if my DH did that I would be considering whether I wanted to stay in the marriage - it's extremely controlling.

Manchester1990 · 31/08/2023 07:18

If he can’t compromise on this just think what he will be like with kids etc.

You’re warned.

Sage71 · 31/08/2023 07:22

.

Sage71 · 31/08/2023 07:24

Codlingmoths · 29/08/2023 10:59

Oh dear darling, I’ve thought and thought and I can’t understand your reasons and I can’t get on board with never being able to have people to stay. So I’ve invited my cousin and you’ll have to go stay somewhere else for the night, or file for divorce and we can work out the details of separation. It’s a shame this was such a sticking point but it’s intolerable.

This most definitely, this is controlling behaviour and not at all acceptable. There is absolutely no reason at all why you can’t have people to stay in your own home. What is so precious in his routine that it cannot be skipped a couple of times a year? He could always make his excuses at a suitable time in the evening along the lines of ‘you will have to excuse me now for bed as I have football in the morning’ or whatever similar important activity cannot be skipped from his routine. I hope you are not planning children with this man as they play havoc with a routine and you will literally be left holding the baby.