Is it reasonable that my husband doesn't allow couples (except immediate family) to stay the night?

[SperaT]

My husband has said we can't have any couples to stay for a night who aren't immediate family.

We live in London and we have a big spare ensuite bedroom that isn't used for anything else.

He is ok with having immediate family occasionally, and has agreed to me having the odd single friend occasionally.

I have said that it wouldn't be often that I'd want to have a friend & their partner to stay. It would be very occasionally - maybe once or twice a year, and only on a weekend.

Examples would be a good friend visiting London with her spouse (who I don't get to see often) and a cousin who lives in America who would bring their spouse if visiting.

My husband has said he can take them out for a meal instead. I've said it's not the same as being able to sit up till the early hours for a catch-up with my cousin, who I rarely see.

It feels unfair of him to give a blanket 'no'. And I don't understand why he can't put up with it occasionally. There's no reason other than it's disruptive to his routine. I would feel sad having to turn people down, when I would enjoy it.

Do others think this is unfair too? AIBU?

That's right, if you clearly communicate that you don't want to entertain your spouse's friends in your home, and you spouse still goes ahead and invite their friends and force you to socialise with people you hardly know until the wee hours of dawn, or to go with them to social events, it IS definitely a deal-breaker.

Is your husband very introverted OP? Or perhaps stressed/busy at work or something that makes him guard time alone?
Comments that he should get a grip, it's no big deal are an overreaction, but he is definitely BU to 'not allow' it. My guess is that you are more extraverted than your DH and he builds this socialising into a big deal in his head.
Sounds to me like the best solution is to agree a limit on couples' visits (maybe a limit on visits overall too), and don't force him to socialise at all when he doesn't want to. Of course would be nice if he joined breakfasts etc but if that's genuinely a big deal to him, explain to guests DH is busy that weekend so won't be around much. Quick polite hello is fine!

I live far from most of my friends so am often the visiting person, I love spending time with my friends' partners but sometimes they'll be busy during my visit which is fine. As a guest, I try to take my host out for dinner or breakfast too - as a general thankyou but also to give their partner a chance to be alone in their space if they prefer (of course the partner is invited if they want to join!)

I was referring to the emotional blackmail. That's totally unacceptable. And hints at other shitty behaviours waiting to emerge. I would bail at this point to save myself the hassle of experiencing those behaviours.

But interesting that you choose to miss the point.

It's more interesting that you don't notice that OP is trying to force her husband into socialising and entertaining her friends, and overlooking all the compromise he has arrived at. Granted, the husband has not used the right language to out across his thoughts, the "putting my feet down" is not on, but this not a black and white situation. No one must be made to socialise against their wishes, in their own home.

Emotional blackmail is of course unacceptable. But where is it happening in this case? OP's DH said he does not want guests in their home (outside immediate family). OP said she will anyway invite people to stay over. OP's DH then replies he does not want to go out with them socially. How is this emotional blackmail? He is setting a boundary because OP is trying to coerce him into socialising with her friends, against his wishes.

If it was a friend who on his last visit had downed a bottle of tequila, ran around the garden naked and tried to climb into bed with us I’d say ‘maybe not'.

Aye ye would, would ye.

It is never okay to bring outsiders into a shared space against the explicit wishes of the owners/renters/occupiers. Never.

Any partner who does that is being abusive. Full stop.

Really the only question is one of reasonableness. Ie whether it's reasonable in the first place for the husband to be against having overnight guests. The consensus seems to be that after some point, which in this case was well reached with close family, it's quite reasonable.

I appreciate your DH's preferences but you live together so he needs to compromise really. His use of language, like saying he's "putting his foot down" is very telling I think. He isn't the fucking boss of you! (nor are you of him, tbf)

My DH is neurodiverse and doesn't love houseguests. However, over the years we have had his brother to stay for a few weeks (when between houses) and 2 of my sisters stay for several weeks for differing reasons. We have the largest house with 3 bathrooms so also host family friends and their kids a couple of times a year as they live a long way away. I have an old uni friend coming to stay for a night next month who he has never met.

I don't ride roughshod over his comfort and will always check with him (and have put people off before now when he has asked me to). But he knows how important my family and friend relationships are to me and it's actually given him a closer bond with people by having them in our space for a bit. But then he isn't a selfish prick and wouldn't dream of telling me he's putting his foot down.

If your DH doesn't want people to stay he needs to have a proper conversation with you, not lay down the law.

OP, you aren't compatible. It is as simple as that.

Imagine when babies come along and family and friends want to visit and spend time with the new one.

I don't think either of you are wrong for what it's worth. You view hosting and having people stay very differently.

I actually don't see your marriage working longer term. You have posted twice about the same issue.

Just invite guests to stay and tell him to deal with it. He can either be a grumpy git or he can enjoy their company. Not your problem

That's what I was thinking too OP

Didn't you post this exact post a few months ago?

Yes I said as much a few hours ago.

@liveforsummer @TheAverageJoanne No, that must have been someone else with a similar issue?

hi @Dery ,

You say:
@SperaTI do think you misrepresented the problem a bit in your OP because you clearly have quite a few houseguests during the year.

Over a year, I have had:

• my parents twice, both times for a long weekend
• my sister (on her own) twice, for one night both times

They live ages away and can't just come for a day.

Is this really a lot?? Do others think that?

I really didn't think it was that much.

@SperaT - okay - I may have oversimplified. And we’re relaxed about houseguests ourselves but equally DH and ND DD take time out when we have guests round because they need it. It’s not as if you’re unable to have any guests and you do seem to be imposing social expectations on your DH. Are you offering your H an out on the socialising? Could that help?

It's your home too I guess. Just invite your couples and let him get on with it. You say he has "put his foot down" clearly a totally selfish man, how can you live with such a man i do not know.

@AbraKedavra

the consensus is that OP’s husband is being unreasonable

How many guests staying over a month/year would make you happy op?

what’s the compromise that makes you happy? That’s not invalidating his want to not have lots of random couple house guests.

His ok with your family and single people remember. This is purely couples that you expect him to dine with and pop in for breakfast too when he would rather just go out for dinner.

It is not that much if it were me (and many others on this threads) but I'm not married to you. The issue is your DH thinks it is and if you were to stay a couple, some compromise has to be reached. Only you two can work on that (or not and be unhappy / split up).

Four times a year would be quite a bit for me, but my guests stay for about a week at a time, so longer. Weekends only I could maybe handle up to once every two months. That's just me though.

I think the main problem is that you expect your DH to step up for your guests and socialise how you want him to. That's not fair and I can understand why he gets annoyed about that.

Very controlling. Stand your ground and if he doesn't like it he can spend the night elsewhere. Pathetic honestly

Your husband sounds autistic. It might be a leap but I'm autistic and our routines are essential and being forced to socialise is hell.

Tell him he's free to not socialise and not join in. If he knows that he'd probably not care. Maybe you force him to join in other things so he thinks this puts pressure on him.

If I'm wrong, apologies. Just screams autistic at me

OMG I know MN suffers from posters not reading the OP or the OPs posts but this thread is a ridiculous example.

The DH is not antisocial or controlling. He hasn't told the OP he won't socialise with her friends or family or have them stay over.

He socialises with OPs friends regularly. At least once a month.

OP has her parents and siblings stay every few months.

They never host his family or friends. OP says she'd be happy to but that's a moot point as it's never suggested.

OP wants to host more people and DH us uncomfortable with that as those friends/family of the OP would be coming with a male partner that isn't a friend/family member of OP and OP also doesn't know them that well and OPs DH has said, I don't want to have to be entertaining the stranger male or be required to make up a foursome over the weekend.

But let's all go out for a meal and I'll pay.

OP said, no i want them to stay over and i expect you to join in with this foursome with my guests for at least some of the weekend.

So OPs DH said nope, this is our shared house so I get as much of a say about who we have as overnight guests, we already host your family and already socialise with your friends. I've offered a compromise to pay for a meal out and you've said no so I'm putting my foot down because this is as much my house as yours and you OP don't get to force things on me in our home that I've explained i don't want. And why. And you OP were unwilling to compromise.

OP says what several posters here said "fuck you, you're not the boss of this house, I'll invite who I like".

So then the DH said yes, can't stop you but if you do it, I'm going to stop socialising with your friends which I'm doing to please you but obviously not really loving.

Then he's accused of being an abusive, controlling bully threatening the OP when he wouldn’t have stopping socialising with OPs friends as a 'threat' to make if he wasn't already engaging in a lot of social activities with OP, presumably just to make her happy or as part of the 'couples agreement' that some MNetters seem to think is implicit.

If he was hanging out with OPs friends and benefitting from it as an individual, he wouldn’t be so willing to give it up.

He's already doing a lot in terms of socialising with OPs friends and hosting her family in his home without complaint. Which he never asks of OP.

He gets to have a say and he offered a compromise that OP rejected and when she threatened him with I'll do it anyway, he gets to say if you do, I will stop doing things that I do for you to make you happy that I don't particularly enjoy.

Some posters here seem to think OP should just do whatever she wants in their shared home and If he doesn't want that or has any objection he's a weird, selfish, controlling, abusive prick who should pipe down and move out.

@LuluJili summed it up very well!