Desperate yet picky single people

[Floogal]

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.

Yeah I agree, her dad and his wife actually asked me why she is always single and all I could say is I think she’s too picky, because she is very attractive and outgoing, so I don’t think she should be finding it hard to meet someone, even if it doesn’t work out, but she never even goes on dates because no guy is good enough.

Most of it seems to boil down to wanting to impress her family with her partner and worrying they will ridicule him for having an accent or being working class, which is really snobbish and sad (I have told her this). She’s now saying she has decided to just just leave it fate and not try to find anyone (she was briefly on Tinder), but with criteria like that no effort to meet anyone I can’t see it happening!

If I'm in a pub I wouldn't go up to someone I didn't find attractive and flirt with them. You have to be attracted to someone, I'm not going to date someone I don't find attractive. This I think is where apps have caused issues and people insist on people settling because they are a 4 and not a 9. It would never have been an issues 25 years ago because you actually had to do it in person. You saw someone you liked and you had to talk to them then you could gauge whether it was mutual.

I'm of an age group who went to pubs and clubs and flirted because we didn't have apps. I never had a problem getting boyfriends and flirting was so much fun!

@Awittyfool
😁

Jill continuing to decide she deserves a handsome doctor boyfriend

OLDing sounds horrendous!
I have a few divorced/separated girlfriends who have told me about some utter morons they've met on dates.

This! 👏👏👏

Exactly. Team picky / gave up and I'm no less happy than when I was with a "ok" boyfriend. That had it's own issues.

"Why are singles so picky?" "There is a surplus of single men" "People's standards are too high"

These are all things I hear unhappy single men say (often on the internet after years of frustration). But people who say these things are missing three key factors:

#1) There is a surplus of men in online dating, but not in the general population. That's because men are more likely to look for casual encounters. A lot of the men women speak to when online dating are not looking for a relationship and can sometimes be undesirable, which leads me to the second point

#2) Many single women are put off by online dating because they're flooded with messages or might have had bad experiences in the past. Women are also at higher risk of harassment or violence. Leads me to point number 3

#3) Why would anyone settle for a partner who mistreats them, is neglectful or just isn't their type? Sometimes it really is better to be alone than in the wrong company

Sharing your life with someone means taking a huge risk. It's not unwise to take precautions and make sure they're the right one. Besides, you don't know what their past experiences with relationships have been. People who are hurt are more likely to be cautious.

must have same interests as her, must be white (she’s mixed race but will only date white men), most come from a middle/upper class family etc

okay she sounds pretty unlikeable and I suspect she doesn’t really want a man or if she got one who met all those requirements she’d still find fault in him tbh.

@CathyJ30 Exactly this.

OP you don't know what people's previous experiences are, they may have had a relationship or several where they have felt really unhappy, therefore of course they are going to be careful who they let into their life. They may have experienced trauma. They may be scared to date or not feel up to it for whatever reason. Not everyone is full of SATC style confidence, and meeting potential partners everywhere that they are turning down.

I was way happier single than I was in my last LTR, and when you have been on your own for a while, it's a massive change to let someone into your life. Not everyone is surrounded by potential partners who live locally either, they may have to travel to find love and if you have health issues and constantly fatigued or have anxiety it may be difficult to actually physically go on dates with someone if they don't live nearby, also to put yourself in that situation with strangers from OLD may not even be safe.

When you are in your 30's & 40's you don't meet potential partners all the time like you do in your teens and 20's, and if you don't stick with someone you met back then it's hard. Just because people are single right now doesn't mean they have never had a relationship and why should they want to be with someone who is not even as good as their ex, who they are happier without? Or, they may have had a really good relationship and that's the bar. They don't want a relationship that's not as good as their last one. My Nan was widowed in her 40's, she never had another relationship as she said she had the best.

Not everyone is desperately searching for a relationship, if someone doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to find someone, they may be happy as they are...why give them a hard time over it? Or there may be medical problems that effect the sex drive or sex life in general, they may pretend to want a relationship because they don't want to explain to every nosey person who comes up and says "so....why do you think your single then?" with a big smug grin on their face like they are talking about the weather. They might be secretly gay or asexual, or they may be in the early stages of a relationship but not want to announce anything yet because they want to see where it's going and how they feel about it first, and they don't want the sticky beaks getting over exited and thinking they can finally buy their hat for the wedding. I think people that think like you do as in the "your too fussy" as their go to answer for if someone is single don't have any idea how insensitive they might be being.

I think the reason this subject bothers me so much is I had a "friend/colleague" who used to constantly grill me about why I was single and give me a hard time about it to the point of obsessiveness and would say things like "you'll never find the perfect man with no flaws". I was going through a bad time and it nearly pushed me over the edge as it was relentless. She would say things like "there's clearly a problem isn't there....you need to sort this out once and for all and I know you don't like me bringing it up, but as your friend I need to tell you it's not normal and people should be saying stuff to you". I no longer see this person.

@Ceriane such a good post there. I also think a lot of women try and work on themselves before getting into relationships. Myself, I've been single over a year now and only now slowly dabbling on the apps. It's not that I'm picky, it's just that I want to be in a good place. A lot of men on the apps are just trying to fill that space asap. In the past I've met big drinkers, people with severe depression/suicidal, separated yet not divorced (very common). Just people who aren't ready. My requirements are someone who is solvent like me and who is a good parent/good with their family. I'm probably desperate to find that but I don't think that is setting the bar crazily high!

Amazing post, thank you for taking the time to write it.
And as an asexual, special thank you for mentioning us.
And this is exactly why I don’t really date, even though I’d like to be in a relationship/love.
But I know vast majority would see my asexuality as a deal-breaker, so I stay single.
I hate when people say I’m picky, difficult, will die alone (I know! And it scares me too) and question me why I’m always single.
The pressure and shaming is so awful.

I hope op has learned something here, the way they write I’m guessing not, but still I hope they did.

Thinking about it (and contradicting myself) I get what the op means she just phrased it clumsily. She's not saying the average Jo/Joe can't date who they like. The average person doesn't have bad breath, is overweight, bad teeth etc. What she means is the ones who are no Greek god/goddess themselves wanting that for themselves.

It's different if say like me, you put effort in (I may be slightly overweight but I'm doing something about it), of course I'm going to come across and find attractive men who look after themselves as my hobbies involve being active. I'm not going to find someone whose overweight and drinks and smokes attractive as that just isn't my lifestyle. A guy in the gym may prefer the woman who is slightly overweight but friendly to some stuck up gym bunny in her sweaty Betty two-piece posing in front of the mirror. Just like I don't like overly muscley men who preen and pose in the free weights area.

It goes without saying no one wants to date someone who looks like stig of the dump. We are naturally drawn to people we find attractive but you have to be realistic. I mean I'm never going to date Brad Pitt, but the rather nice guy in the gym maybe!

@Loopylooni that's similar to me, I just want to be in a good place in myself before I think about dating again, and I'm sure I will.

I think the OP was talking about people who go on about wanting a relationship but expect to be with people who look like models/film stars and don't consider dating ordinary folk.

I know when I do feel up to dating again, and when I am looking, I won't end up with someone who looks like David Beckham, but that's okay, I don't expect to, I'll probably just end up with an ordinary looking person who I happen to really like who is a lovely person, that is all I expect.

You can tell her that not all pilots are muscular or drop dead gorgeous, most are decidedly average middle-aged men (and happily married), the others are arrogant and players (that's coming from someone who works with them). You'll find the odd gem who fits her criteria but most aren't.

You can tell her that not all pilots are muscular or drop dead gorgeous, most are decidedly average middle-aged men (and happily married)

That made me think of the scene in The IT Crowd where Jen is trying to distract the women by 'phwooooaahh-ing' at the very average-looking middle-aged builder!

Bloke once said to me because he was fed up of knock backs.. women who are a 3 are holding out for men who are a 10 with muscles and tattoos. I just thought well if that's what they want why not?

@thecatsarecrazy i suppose its exactly the same as a man who is a 3 wanting a woman who is a 10!

I would say two of my friends are a high 9/10, both different looks but both very beautiful. Neither are having any luck with dating sites either yet not hugely picky. One however tends to go for those who are more player types - ie equally hot, and things dont go anywhere.

The other is more normal and looks for someone interesting/decent job. I saw the bloke she went on a few dates with recently who id say was attractive but faded her out/was very vague about his living arrangements etc
. I think on online dating, if you are a man who is reasonably ok looking, youll do well. A woman less so.

Sorry, off post there! I guess im saying even if you want/are a 10, it may not necessarily work out anyway!

I'm a .... 6. Dated a few 5s and they still faded me out cos there's so much choice.

Dating is hell.

I reject the label picky. It's not a job. It's not like you ought to or have to have relationship or you're a cost to society/ inconveniencing anybody.

I think on online dating, if you are a man who is reasonably ok looking, youll do well. A woman less so.

Nah, men can really struggle on OLD, even the decent ones, partly because there are just so many men out there, and women are much pickier (for good reason.). Women will probably get loads of men liking them, but then have to look through loads to find just one they like in return. They're different experiences, but equally crap in their own ways.

Have I missed the part where OP mentions their own relationship situation? I’m am wondering if they are married or in a relationship and if so how did it come about and did either of you settle?

I dont think either example in OP describes people who are happy single - both sound entitled to date someone way out of their league and bitter that they cannot do it...

I think comparing having friends to having a life partner is a bit silly.
You don’t live with your friends, you see them occasionally. I have friends I see for different things. For example if I want to go to see a film I’ll ask a different friend than if I want to go for a long walk.
Spending a few hours in a cafe is completely different to having a child with someone and expecting them to look after that child.
I agree that a lot of people settle as they want a partner to have sex with, go out with, and have a family with.
It’s very hard to do it alone, most women can’t afford it. Then there is the stink attached to single women who date it have children. I think this stigma keeps people in bad relationships. I remember years ago a work colleague crying in the toilets. I asked her what was wrong and she told me it was her husband, the father of her children and how useless and awful he was. She told me she couldn’t leave as it was her second marriage and what will people say, ‘Oh she’s been through 2 husbands and can’t keep either of them!’
Very sad. She us still with her useless husband and still rolls her eyes at how bad he is.

@Loopylooni same experience online for me , guy in recovery , in therapy , emotionally shut off but managed to hide it all for first month , so when the actual real him came out I was a bit knocked for six !
I've done the work and I'm not looking to be a man's therapist , that's not me being unkind or picky either I just don't like being ghosted or lied to and I find the ones who are insecure with emotional issues will be the ones who bring this crap to the table
Online dating is savage

"the reality is that you're excluded from anything "the husbands" are invited to"

That's awful. Are they not able to socialise if everyone there isn't a couple? There must be some whose husbands are working or something sometimes?