Desperate yet picky single people

[Floogal]

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.

I'm sure they were queuing up for him...

They can't honestly think that anyone would agree to it. But they're probably the ones complaining "these apps are rubbish, no one ever talks!" without the tiniest bit of self-reflection on whether they're really showing themselves in their best light.

Or maybe I'm over optimistic and that is them in their best light...

Well I have a few single female friends who have rejected a lot of decent men in the past due to various nitpicky pointers

No, they shouldn't have to settle but sadly, many women have and always will because, depressing or not, some aspects of life are easier if you're in a couple. To name a few:

Having kids
Getting on and climbing the property ladder
Someone to share the load. Life admin, household duties
Somebody to keep you company at weekends when you don't have the energy for the busy social life of a youngster

It's a bit of a misnomer to say desperate single people.

If they were desperate they wouldn't be single, they'd take anything.

They aren't desperate they have standards.

Maybe they saw something that made them think that those men wouldn’t actually have made life as a couple easier than singledom in those respects. Plenty of men add to women’s workload and are not great company. Just because you decided those men were good enough based on what you knew of them (it doesn’t sound like you had previously dated them, or if you had you clearly decided they weren’t for you, so how would you know really) doesn’t mean that other women should.

I feel like the "never settle" mentality is resulting in a lot of people always searching, because they're never truly content, not particularly willing to give anyone a chance, and there's an infinite amount of options available on your phone.

Dating apps have only exacerbated this. You see a photo of someone for a few seconds, and then most of the time, choose to discard them over some relatively trivial characteristic - height, age, hair colour, or whatever. And then you never have to give them another thought, because there's always the next profile, and the one after that, and the one after that...

But life isn't like the movies. Most people aren't going to find their dream person that ticks every single box on a dating app.

I think years ago, before OLD was a thing, a lot more people were willing to give people a chance. But now, for a combination of reasons, that's not really the case any more.

As such, I think there's going to be an increasing number of people on their own as they get older. Not because there's a lack of options, far from it, but simply because most are always searching for the "next best thing", rather than noticing people who are right in front of them.

On the contrary I think it's good that people are "picky" and that it's such a shame that more people just put up with the best they think they can get rather than be picky and waiting.

Not being "picky" is probably the biggest reason why there are so many broken relationships, absent parents, money arguments, and general unhappiness suffered by people in relationships where perhaps they weren't picky enough!

What a walking red flag. Whether he was a rapist or not he definitely wanted something out of you for nothing, and tried to turn it around to make himself look like the victim. He saw he wasn’t getting his own way, so he threw a tantrum and blocked you.

Any decent man with even a grain of good intentions understands why a woman doesn’t want to come over to a strange man’s house.

It wasn’t on match.com was it? 😂 I think I vaguely remembered seeing one of my ‘likes’ there had a ski mask on.

These men are just shameless.

It’s sad how so many married women think they are so lucky not to be on dating apps, but then it turns out their partners are.

@KaySararSarar Exactly. There is a big difference between compromise and settling.

And, like your female friends, the lady I tried setting my male friend up wasn't actually bad looking and she is easy to get on with. She was keen to meet up but he didn't even give her a chance.

Thanks for getting my post. I never said people should settle not am I judging people for being single. If they're happy more power to them.

Not all single people are on OLD. There’s a lot of posters assuming everyone is comfortable meeting up with strange men they have met online. I’m not. To be honest I think my situation is completely different from what the OP is talking about as I’m not even looking for a relationship, but I should be allowed to just live my life in peace without people making assumptions about me that I’m too picky when I’ve got enough on my plate and not even thinking about men. Not everyone is looking for the next option and the next option, some of us are just living our lives and have enough to deal with than hunting for a man and trawling dating websites which make me feel uneasy and unsafe to be honest. We’re not all sitting around on dating sites thinking we’re better than everyone else.

We’re not all sitting around on dating sites thinking we’re better than everyone else.
Talk about making assumptions!

I think years ago, before OLD was a thing, a lot more people were willing to give people a chance.
I was at uni in 1987 and I distinctly remember turning down one poor bloke because he was shorter than me. Another bloke for using a corny line in a pub. Another one I avoided just for being too keen and thus apparently desperate. And OP could easily have accused me of being far too picky back in those days. I was actually just very nervous and trigger-happy when it came to handing out rejections. I wasn't willing to give anyone a chance until I was 23!

Very much depends. If someone is having a bit of a moan and then moves on not an issue. If someone is constantly on about it and doesn’t take advice that would be a pain.

I have tended to find most people if they bring it up tend to be receptive to any new information that can be shown to them.

Some people you just need to tune out.

Then he messaged and said it wasn’t going anywhere and she was obviously not into sex and probably frigid - because she wasn’t up for a shag in the car in a closed pub car park ffs

I'll bet this jewel of masculinity goes through life utterly perplexed as to how every single women he meets whom he propositions frustratingly happens to be frigid, a lesbian or both

A bit off topic but it’s actually infuriating reading about how grown men 30 and beyond think they can use women as unpaid sex workers.

And IMO it’s a bit scary women are accepting invites to a man’s house they met online for a first date.

Aside from the fact if the man can’t be bothered to even go half on a date it speaks volumes, there’s the obvious safety concerns.

"Also believing that one must only date those in their 'league' is silly. I know plenty of mismatched look couples who are smitten."

Yeah, Iris Jones thought leagues were silly too...

old woman african man good morning - Google Search

I don't think anyone should be shamed for private/personal preferences.

If you win you win, if you don't then what harm does it do?

Perceptions of attractiveness can vary according to what group you are in ( male perception of attractiveness is different to female, class and culture etc). So I wouldn't write certain people off.

And of course behaviour standards and boundaries SHOULD be asserted.

I mean if someone wants to never date anyone apart from a 5'8 androgynous redhead from Stoke, or a member of One Direction/Blackpink that's 100% their right and does no harm.

If you can't find anyone who floats your boat, and just quietly get on with life, good for you.

I've personally found trouble with those types who have experienced loads of rejection, get angry, obsessively latch onto someone they THINK is their romantic level and try to decieve/manipulate a relationship out of them.

It's not like admiring a celebrity on a poster, it's like harassment.

For them, enthusiastic consent and what the OTHER person wants doesn't exist.

And it's painful for everyone around including themselves.

For example, guys with kids (not unattractive but fairly "mid-range" ) who think they are entitled to fish in the pond of "younger childfree women" and be treated as if they were childfree.

Some of them simply can't fathom many childfree women would rather not be dating than playing stepmum, and they need to aggressively "trick" or "correct" them into wanting the set-up.

And of course if you said "well here's a nice woman your age, with her own children", they don't want HER.

Or women who try to aggressively "befriend" guys or take over social groups they are in, to pressurise them into a romantic relationship

Julia from Nighty Night definitely walks amongst us!

I've been in a couple of environments where this has happened and it's hell - you can see the guy looking vulnerable and uncomfortable but "not wanting to be a dick" and the woman treating him like a "faux-boyfriend" without his consent (and being vicious to any woman who he might actually want to talk to).

Or agree to have casual sex then try to turn it into a relationship, then claim the guy treated them badly

I think it's to do with self-acceptance and validation as well.

People who want to enthusiastically date me reflect me back at me (hands up for the "slightly eccentric introverted lower-middle class geek" dating league).

If its not easy or I'm trying to be someone I'm not or have to do the chasing then I'm probably overreaching!

I (sometimes) look fine and scrub up ok and sometimes even get invited to posh places.

But I couldn't seriously attract a sociable mega-successful type as that doesn't reflect the lifestyle choices I've made, they'll be seriously dating women in their world.

I mean maybe they'd take me for dinner, but then it would be "we're all going ski-ing next weekend, why don't you fly up first class with Binky and Sebastian for the afterparty" and I'd feel like "oh fuck, there goes my mortgage for a year".

And the amount of men old enough to be grandfathers who think a photo of their genitals is going to make us faint with pleasure and drive knickerless over to their place.

Honestly mate I’m over 50 I’ve given birth - I’ve seen one or two before and they’re not particularly exciting to look at

Probably muttering under his breath ‘well she was ugly anyway’ on the way back to his bed sit

I do get what OP means. I have a friend is constantly complaining she’s single, never had a long term relationship, but her criteria for a man is so high yet also superficial, she’s a good looking woman, outgoing, friendly, but she rules almost every single interested guy out because he doesn’t fit the criteria.

She’s looking for a guy around 6ft tall, muscular build, very attractive, very good job (doctor, lawyer, pilot etc), must have no regional accent (has to speak with RP), must be a practicing christian, but not too religious, must have same interests as her, must be white (she’s mixed race but will only date white men), most come from a middle/upper class family etc. A few of her friends have commented that they’ve never actually met a man like this and maybe she should consider what criteria are essential vs desirable and that some of it is shallow and not that important, such as the accent and class thing, but she’s adamant she won’t “settle” yet also puts no real effort into meeting someone.

@SameOldTed . Very accurate post.

Here is Julia for anyone that doesn’t know the show.

Now THAT is ridiculously picky! I agree that is extremely silly and shallow to have such high and unrealistic expectations and that nobody else will do. I’m sure there is a guy who exists on this planet, just how your friend describes…. However the chances of finding him and wading through all the billions of others on this planet, I’d say it was pretty much like looking for half of a needle in 10 big massive haystacks lol!

@Elsiebear90 i know someone like your friend would like, we went to school together. Very handsome but awkward at the time yet no one found him appealing as he was boring. Quite early on he met a girl at a party. From mutual friends i know, she apparently made a bee line for him. She was pretty average id say, overweight and quite plain but confident in herself whereas he was very backward (and still is id say). They ended up together quickly and he became a partner in a big law firm. I guess im saying those types, you need to nab them quickly when young!

Another acquaintence met her partner when she was interviewing eligible bachelors for an article! She married one who was again hugely wealthy, but again he got himself a trophy wife and she got a mansion! She always says she chose well!

I do get what the OP is saying. I have an acquaintance who is over 50 now and never had a relationship over a year.
If you saw her she’s tall slim attractive well dressed etc but she’s so moany and looks down her nose at anyone who doesn’t meet her exact standards.
I know several men who’ve tried to talk to her and said she’s rude and dismissive.

She wants a man with money and that’s her primary criteria. Thing is, she’s probably past the age now where a sugar daddy would be interested.

And she constantly whines that other women who are (in her opinion) ugly fat frumps have partners and she doesn’t.

Coupled people who are not picky, are desperate to be in a relationship so settle for the wrong person, that's what really grinds me.

Single, picky, desperate. Meh

I'm over 50 heaven forbid and not looking (or hoping) to meet somebody but the reality is that you're excluded from anything "the husbands" are invited to.

I can see why some people choose to be conventional, couple up and have an entry to more social occasions. I'm past caring about things that don't matter but everybody I met through the kids dropped me at the weekend. Luckily I'm 33% past caring, 33% content on my own, and the rest, I've accumulated some single friends or some married friends who aren't too chained to their husband.