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Relationships

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Desperate yet picky single people

276 replies

Floogal · 27/08/2023 14:22

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

  1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.
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Gwenhwyfar · 02/09/2023 08:24

"If I'm in a pub I wouldn't go up to someone I didn't find attractive and flirt with them. You have to be attracted to someone"

But someone might have come up to you who wasn't initially your type, but grew on you. When you meet people in real life there are things like chemistry that override the ticking of boxes.

RedToothBrush · 02/09/2023 08:35

Gwenhwyfar · 02/09/2023 08:24

"If I'm in a pub I wouldn't go up to someone I didn't find attractive and flirt with them. You have to be attracted to someone"

But someone might have come up to you who wasn't initially your type, but grew on you. When you meet people in real life there are things like chemistry that override the ticking of boxes.

The art of conversation is lost in online dating because the only thing that matters is first impressions. Long lasting relationships tend to be founded on the underlying friendship though - chemistry may or may not be there from the initial meeting - but this mutual understanding and shared commonality are what underpin the success of the relationship.

The trouble with online dating is the desire for 'instant gratification' or a sense of immediate 'success' otherwise it's not worth pursuing further. That might me simply sex to some, but I also think for others it's an unrealistic search for perfection and instant spark. I don't think thats how a huge number of relationships start though.

Online dating encapsulates generation instant gratification in relationship form. And it instant gratification has significant limitations and causes problems in other areas of life.

If the only thing that attracts you is looks, you are going to run into much more problems pretty quickly.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/09/2023 08:37

RedToothBrush · 02/09/2023 08:35

The art of conversation is lost in online dating because the only thing that matters is first impressions. Long lasting relationships tend to be founded on the underlying friendship though - chemistry may or may not be there from the initial meeting - but this mutual understanding and shared commonality are what underpin the success of the relationship.

The trouble with online dating is the desire for 'instant gratification' or a sense of immediate 'success' otherwise it's not worth pursuing further. That might me simply sex to some, but I also think for others it's an unrealistic search for perfection and instant spark. I don't think thats how a huge number of relationships start though.

Online dating encapsulates generation instant gratification in relationship form. And it instant gratification has significant limitations and causes problems in other areas of life.

If the only thing that attracts you is looks, you are going to run into much more problems pretty quickly.

I agree with all that. I also think this modern idea that you shouldn't date anyone at work is very sad. The best way to build a connection with someone is getting to know them slowly and that is lost now that everything is online.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/09/2023 08:40

Saschka · 30/08/2023 11:04

I reckon Mary Bennett would have been an amazing match for him. Both priggish and deluded about their own intelligence. They could have sat together by the fire on long winter evenings, reading improving books to each other and tut-tutting about Lydia and other misguided souls.

Mary would have been too straight talking a person to do all that sucking up to Lady Catherine.

Raggammuffin · 02/09/2023 08:46

Yeh, the only relationship I had since leaving xh in 2007 was with somebody from work. It's over now, no bad feelings, he's a good person (who drinks too much) but I just cringe and shudder when I think of people I met online.

Polis · 02/09/2023 10:10

I also think this modern idea that you shouldn't date anyone at work is very sad.

It’s pretty normal in my line of work. Always has been judging from some of my older colleagues.

Yettisrus29 · 02/09/2023 11:35

Gwenhwyfar · 02/09/2023 08:24

"If I'm in a pub I wouldn't go up to someone I didn't find attractive and flirt with them. You have to be attracted to someone"

But someone might have come up to you who wasn't initially your type, but grew on you. When you meet people in real life there are things like chemistry that override the ticking of boxes.

Why is it so hard for some people on here to understand that initial attraction is based on looks (I'm not talking about people you see regularly). It's not about getting to know someone and letting them grow on you (what are they a rash!). You are drawn to people you find attractive be it because they have a nice smile, nice eyes, clothes you like, a nice face. The getting to know them bit comes second. I've found all my boyfriends and my exh randomly none bar one (and he was a mistake) were people I knew before.

I don't find Pete Doherty attractive, he makes my skin crawl. He's probably a nice enough person I just wouldn't want to wake up next to him every day. That's my choice, it's also my choice not to settle for anything less than what I want.

But then I'm not desperately trying to fill a void so am happy to wait for my perfect man.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/09/2023 11:45

"Why is it so hard for some people on here to understand that initial attraction is based on looks"

Because it's not the same for everyone!

Gwenhwyfar · 02/09/2023 11:46

Polis · 02/09/2023 10:10

I also think this modern idea that you shouldn't date anyone at work is very sad.

It’s pretty normal in my line of work. Always has been judging from some of my older colleagues.

Which line of work?
It used to be one of the most common ways of finding someone. College/uni was the other one, but people settle down later now.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/09/2023 11:47

Raggammuffin · 02/09/2023 08:46

Yeh, the only relationship I had since leaving xh in 2007 was with somebody from work. It's over now, no bad feelings, he's a good person (who drinks too much) but I just cringe and shudder when I think of people I met online.

And unfortunately there are people on MN who would accuse whoever asked the other one out of harassment because they see any dating connected to work as wrong.
I remember one poster even being against after work drinks for this reason.

Polis · 02/09/2023 12:14

Which line of work?

Academia.

Ceriane · 02/09/2023 12:27

I quite like the idea of meeting someone through work, it seems more of a natural setting for you to develop feelings for each other. Or just through friends, or hobbies or real life situations. I just don't like OLD, I can't bring myself to just spend my weekends meeting up with random strangers just in case they might be the one....I used to think there was something wrong with me for not pushing myself to do this, but I really don't want to. I always wish I'd just stayed with someone I met in my late teens/early twenties and grown with them and made it work, I think it would have made my life so much easier. When you are older and especially when there are health issues getting in your way, it's a lot harder, you don't feel up to it and the relentless pressure and shaming you get from certain people really gets you down.

PaintedEgg · 02/09/2023 13:44

I think the real problem with meeting people through work is, partially, the disintegration of dating culture.

Because a lot of people take the dating habits from online dating (quick gratification) what should be few casual meet ups for drinks can turn into speed dating with extra steps, with drama and hurt feelings involved. You don't want that at a workplace, but it's not problem with meeting up with people from work per se.

PaintedEgg · 02/09/2023 13:47

Ceriane · 02/09/2023 12:27

I quite like the idea of meeting someone through work, it seems more of a natural setting for you to develop feelings for each other. Or just through friends, or hobbies or real life situations. I just don't like OLD, I can't bring myself to just spend my weekends meeting up with random strangers just in case they might be the one....I used to think there was something wrong with me for not pushing myself to do this, but I really don't want to. I always wish I'd just stayed with someone I met in my late teens/early twenties and grown with them and made it work, I think it would have made my life so much easier. When you are older and especially when there are health issues getting in your way, it's a lot harder, you don't feel up to it and the relentless pressure and shaming you get from certain people really gets you down.

from personal experience (so large bias here!) - teenage relationship are a training academy and they should remain a training academy. People are supposed to drastically grow and change during that time, and trying to maintain a relationship can hinder that process

Ceriane · 02/09/2023 14:01

@PaintedEgg thats one way of looking at it. I seem to be surrounded by people that stuck with their one and only since their teenage years and am constantly beating myself up for not doing the same, but we’re all different. My experiences don’t have to be the same as my friends experiences. The friend who obsessively gives me a hard time about it stayed with her one and only boyfriend since she was 21 and I don’t think she is as happy as she makes out or my situation wouldn’t bother her so much.

PaintedEgg · 02/09/2023 14:14

@Ceriane it could be a classic case of trying to make herself feel better about her bad situation by implying (or directly saying) its better than being single...while opposite is probably true.

My personal experience is that I bitterly regret staying in my teenage relationship and ending it was the best decision I could have ever made. Not only did I waste time and endured things I shouldn't have, but I also missed out on so many great experiences by trying to maintain this "serious" relationship... i'd slap my younger self for it if i could 😂

SameOldTed · 02/09/2023 14:26

Just binge watched a mini-series called Tokyo Girl which REALLY covers many of the issues discussed in this thread (I don't really get "gripped" by series often so this was amazing).

I got it through my Amazon Prime.

Without giving away too many spoilers:

  • life of woman from early 20s to 40 who does the standard "university then move to big city" life.
  • that big gap between "being good enough to date for a while" whilst people often still marry for money.
  • she's a very good looking woman who has a good job but isn't QUITE from the right background or family money...where does she go socially?
  • marrying for stability or "something else"
  • how money/class/"aiming for something better" is both horrendous but also inspiring

It is absolutely gorgeous to watch although I've made it sound rubbish :-(

First episode/pilot a bit slow but the episodes are really short so you can double or triple up.

Ceriane · 02/09/2023 14:32

@PaintedEgg I think you’re exactly right. She’s always saying that her partner never gives her any compliments, tells her she’s fat and is out at the pub most nights until 2.30am (without her) but at least she’s “with someone” then gives me a pitying look. So I think you could be right.

Defiantjazz · 02/09/2023 20:19

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness).
Nothing more annoying than heathy self -esteem huh?

I think it's more annoying when women do it
You don’t say

Raggammuffin · 02/09/2023 20:24

Geez, my pet hate is people who think women should just settle for somebody awful who they could NOT even grow to respect never mind love in a hundred years.

Awittyfool · 02/09/2023 20:34

Raggammuffin · 02/09/2023 20:24

Geez, my pet hate is people who think women should just settle for somebody awful who they could NOT even grow to respect never mind love in a hundred years.

I've never met anyone male or female that would say this. maybe if you were in some sort of arranged married scenario but even then you'd hope your parents/matchmaker would pick someone that might appeal.

Loopylooni · 03/09/2023 08:33

I actually wish I looked harder for someone when I was younger and no 'perceived baggage' like I have now with children etc. I moseyed along thinking a good relationship would just happen. Now there's only online dating (I'm mid 40s) as an option and it's dire.

QueenBitch666 · 04/09/2023 13:17

Picky and desperate? I'd say picky is the polar opposite of desperate. Shame more women aren't judging by the male scrotes around

DeeCeeCherry · 30/01/2024 15:51

What's wrong with someone being picky? You speak as if they should just settle and take on anyone, even if not attracted to them. The opposite of being picky must be dreadful.

Mambo19866 · 30/01/2024 21:25

The reason with men is definately porn as for women I’m not sure maybe too many romantic films lol 😂