Desperate yet picky single people

[Floogal]

One of my biggest pet hates is people who complain about being single but at the same time are really picky (and unrealistic by overestimating their own attractiveness). Often see it here on threads about online dating. If anything, I think it's more annoying when women do it, because there is a surplus of men generally (uneven sex ratio) so there's a bigger pool to choose from. So there's less reason to be lonely than for a man. But I shall use the example of 2 people I know to illustrate.

1. Male, in his late 30s. Actually a pleasant enough person. But often likes going clubbing (even in his own if none of his friends are out) and puts status updates on Facebook complaining about how women there reject him and break his heart. Sometimes he puts profile pictures up of him standing next to pretty girls he's only just met on nights out. Also constantly puts up cutesy posts with his niece and dog, which is a bit cringe as he does it so often. He is aware that he's below average attractiveness. I tried fixing him up with a friend of mine who is also single and she was keen on meeting him. But he told me he wasn't interested. It seems he only goes for women who look like love island Contestants. So I lost sympathy for him. 2.Female in her early 50s. Pretty face and nice hair. But also she's quite overweight and has really bad breath (due to Gird so it's not really her fault). As well as being skint. Complains about being single and and that it's Madonna's fault she can't find a boyfriend because she encouraged them to be gay (she actually said that). When guys do show interest in her she complains about how boring they are or how they don't have a car or much money (with no sense of irony). She gushes over the guys who look like Paul Hollywood and wonders why they're already in relationships with a woman who's not her.

There was a man who “liked” me on OLD who had his face cut off on all of the photos 😂 I wonder how long he had been married for lol

men actually invite themselves to your house as a first date idea 🤯I think coffee is a low effort date but it’s passable, a house invite is just outrageously disrespectful.

All the time, plus requests for pictures of my boobs, within just a few messages and lots of 'I'd like to have sex straight away then I'll decide if I want a relationship with yous'. It's super fun. But, I guess I'm just too picky

I was chatting to a bloke online who asked if he could come over for a cuppa
I replied that I would rather meet for first time in a bar/pub as woman has to be careful and he said I was basically accusing him of being a rapist and blocked me Bit of a stretch I think but no loss

Ugh @SamW98, no loss to you there at all!

My friend once went to a man's house for dinner on a first date having never met him before. I thought she was mad. But clearly there are women who do it!

yep It’s obvious that a huge majority of men who either want to invite you round to their place or invite themselves to your place on a first or second date are just trying to get laid!

My friend does it all the time. She meets someone either on a bar or online and first date she either stays over theirs or goes to a hotel with them. She doesn’t see it as risky because nothings ever happened before but I do worry about her safety.

Though she never invites then to hers as she doesn’t want them knowing where she lives.

I met mine at his house first time, but he is visually impaired, so more difficult for him to get to a cafe. And he was happy for me to share his address with some friends. It wouldn't have stopped me being murdered, but it would have speeded up the investigation. We're several months in now.

That's understandable. And good he understood enough to say it was fine to share his address! It's the lack of awareness and then taking umbridge "what? Like I'm a rapist or something"? So silly

One with whom I declined the kind offer of "Neflix and chill" in my own house as a first meeting, then suggested, I'd said I was getting a takeaway, that I get takeaway for both of us, he would meet me the, and we could eat it together in my car and then have some fun. It was pouring down. My car is a Vauxhall Corsa, i.e. not spacious.

I reviewed what was appealed to me about this situation, declined the kind offer, and had a takeaway for one delivered. I don't believe he could have ever thought I'd say yes.

I got a message from one in a ski mask. Subtle.

True to an extent but also you have to pick from the pool that are finding you attractive.

I think two separate issues are being conflated here.

Everybody has the perfect right to be as picky as they want to be, or indeed stay resolutely single if they choose; but they can't then complain if they DO really want to be with somebody, but the extremely restrictive criteria that they insist on yield no positive matches - like this guy:

This is the point though. You absolutely can have people you enjoy spending time with/ do things with/ have a laugh at work and still see their flaws.

Why is this so difficult to do when dating?

I would never set out the “criteria” for friendship. My friends are all very different looks wise, job wise and in personality. I just have a nice time when I’m with them and enjoy their company. I’d say my friends are the same as me but then the single ones have weird rules over who they date.

I reckon Mary Bennett would have been an amazing match for him. Both priggish and deluded about their own intelligence. They could have sat together by the fire on long winter evenings, reading improving books to each other and tut-tutting about Lydia and other misguided souls.

So he wanted you to buy him food and then fuck him on the back seat of your car? As a first date?

Hmm, wonder if he found any woman desperate enough to say yes to that?

I would never set out the “criteria” for friendship. My friends are all very different looks wise, job wise and in personality.

I do. I don't care about looks and jobs, but personality and values do matter. I don't think I'd be friends whose values were seriously different from mine or something like that. We probably all have criteria like thst that we don't consciously think about. You just meet someone new at a coffee morning or something, get on well and invite them to your barbecue next week, but the one who was talking about things you really don't agree with and showed little compassion for others in what was said, you end the conversation as soon as politely possible, don't exchange phone numbers and don't offer an invitation. We all do things like this all the time, without really thinking about it.

@Floogal you’re getting a hard time here with posters misunderstanding your point!! How very dare you tell everyone to settle 🤣😂

I also have some friends; male, 40s - wants his specific version of the perfect woman (think only 8’s and above need apply) - no exceptions and he’s very rude about the women on OLD who don’t reply to his messages…only he (I’m quoting him here so calm down) is a 4 at best, hea has never got a Date on there, and it’s because ‘these bloody women don’t know what they want’ yeeeeaa - I’ve learnt not a very nice person at all…phasing him out.

My two female friends also 40’s, have both never really dated anyone,IMHO they’ve put these ‘ideals’ in the way as frankly they’re just too scared/nervous to put themselves out there, which breaks my heart as they’re both hilarious and kind women!

No before anyone asks I did not settle and don’t think anyone should…that’s not what the OP was even saying

I do. I don't care about looks and jobs, but personality and values do matter. I don't think I'd be friends whose values were seriously different from mine or something like that.

of course . So you’d potentially be friends with someone who lived at home or had a job in a supermarket as long as their reasons for doing so were sound in line with your values. Yet many wouldn’t consider a date with a man who lived at home or worked in supermarket regardless of reason.

The irony with these guys who only want size 8s etc (I’m a size 8) is that when they message us and tell us what they want and what they DON’T want in a women and are completely rude about other women who don’t fit their perfect ideal etc, we can see them for who they are, simply tell them they’re no oil painting either and then delete them and move on!

These types are the ones to complain that the women looked nothing like their pictures in real life! Because lo and behold the women had turned their faces into flawless plastic with the use of filters as if these men think they actually look that way in real life! But they’re that blinded by what they see as their ‘perfect ideal woman’ that they actually believe these women look like that in real life and so they pin their hopes on this fantasy plastic women with flawless skin and a size 8 body.

Years later these same men are still on the same dating apps looking for “miss perfect”!

My friend was incredibly picky - she wouldn't even go on a date with men who wore jeans and had a very specific look right down to the hairstyle she was after. I was sure she was on to a loser but she managed to get someone in the end who ticked every box so who knows maybe it pays to be picky!

The irony with these guys who only want size 8s etc (I’m a size 8) is that when they message us and tell us what they want and what they DON’T want in a women and are completely rude about other women who don’t fit their perfect ideal etc, we can see them for who they are, simply tell them they’re no oil painting either and then delete them and move on!

They probably spend most of their time in their mummy's basement, fantasy-speccing their dream PC gaming rig and comparing benchmark scores of every scene from every single game - and don't realise that you don't treat humans like that.

Well look at Kanye West and Bianca. I’d be unimpressed if my lovely trip away to Venice was because my partner wanted an outdoor blow job on a canal. But there you go. She’s picked wealthy, famous and talented. She forgot to put sense of humour, consideration and kindness on her list.

My friend met up with a guy in lockdown and as nothing was open they sat chatting in his car with a costa. Then second meet up he tried a bit of fumbling and she said it wasn’t really the time or place - they’re both on their 50’s

Then he messaged and said it wasn’t going anywhere and she was obviously not into sex and probably frigid - because she wasn’t up for a shag in the car in a closed pub car park ffs

And these men are still single why?

For most of us in all areas of life, there's something of a gap between what we'd ideally want and what is attainable. If we're fortunate the gap isn't too wide and we bridge it with compromise. If it's a chasm though, then I imagine that must be very difficult to accept and must make people unhappy. However, I'm not convinced that in the case of your friends a relationship with someone they don't really want would make them any happier, but only they can decide that. All you can do is change the subject if the moaning becomes too tiresome.