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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.

412 replies

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:43

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart shattered into a million pieces watching him walk out that door. He has blocked me on fb which is the only platform either of us use and pretty much is cold as ice now although we have had to message about the kids today.

Help me get over this? I loved him with all of my being and fucked it up with one last argument last night that he is not going to get over. Not ever. Aside from the recent arguments we have only had about others in our relationship. I have lost my best friend, my team mate, my lover all in the space of a day. What can I do to heal? It hurts so very much. I am dying inside right now as I type this because I dont want to tell family or friends. Im shattered. Please help me cope.

OP posts:
BustyLaRoux · 28/08/2023 08:49

But she agreed to let him buy her a drink is what I mean.

Stravaig · 28/08/2023 08:53

I'm tickled at the idea of a karaoke bar in a part of rural Ireland so sparsely populated that the bored police come straight out to mediate a wee squabble.

Aworldofwonder · 28/08/2023 08:53

This is all very odd.

OP I think when you started the thread you were hungover, full of remorse and panicked he had left you. Therefore you took all of the blame and saw the relationship through a nostalgic filter.

I don't think you were wrong to be upset about no birthday present because he was deviating from your relationship norm. The alcohol didn't help but we all make mistakes. It's bizarre he called the police.

I think your instincts were correct and that's why you got so upset. And now he has massively overreacted. I think he wanted to go anyway.

I'm sorry. It's awful.

Duvetdayforme · 28/08/2023 09:22

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 28/08/2023 07:34

Either you are in denial about your alcohol problem or he is creating a narrative that you're an alcoholic. For the sake of your DCs and any future custody dispute, it may be better to limit your contact with your DH/ex unless you have another adult friend/relative with you who can corrobborate whether you're drunk or sober.
Also make an appointment with your GP, honestly document what you drink and see if they think you need support. Tell the GP what has happened. Your DH is building an official witnessed version of his view. You need to do the same.
It's impossible for MNers to know if you're an alcoholic. Until they are ready to face it, alcoholics are experts in denial.

Totally agree with this.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 28/08/2023 09:30

Sorry im not ignoring you all im just trying to get my head around things.

OP posts:
DameCurlyBassey · 28/08/2023 09:37

Stravaig · 28/08/2023 08:53

I'm tickled at the idea of a karaoke bar in a part of rural Ireland so sparsely populated that the bored police come straight out to mediate a wee squabble.

Mmmmm…very good point. And not only does this sleepy place have a karaoke bar but also contains lairy women (quite a few lairy women in the whole story).

However I guess this is where they have their holiday home so it might be a bit more lively.

I am intrigued about the kids. Two went off with dad and one stayed - presumably to make sure mum was ok. Op, this is all very strange, you know. What the hell is really going on, do you think?

people say he is gaslighting you but he couldn’t engineer you knocking over a whole table of drinks. What are the odds of that happening when you are presumably trying to show yourself in your best light?

something is amiss, op. Please enlighten us.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 28/08/2023 09:47

Holiday home is not too near where we live. A bit of a drive but thats all. That woman hit into me and i hit into the table knocking things over and she apologised to me nothing else happened. Two boys went with him when he left as wa ted to get home to wifi and the other stayed cos her name was down to sing a song.

OP posts:
RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 09:50

You willingly walked right into his trap.

I do have to wonder about women on MN sometimes. What sort of person, based on everything the OP has said, leaps to this, as the most likely scanario and explanation?

What are the chances that she's been argumentative when drunk and her husband has finally had enough, after a few days of her being petulant and refusing to drop the same subject, (which is what the OP actually told us, very clearly) versus the possibility that she's actually being royally set up and gaslighted by a man who wants to concot a reason to leave her, so he can be with his other woman, and his three 'logical, intellegent teenagers' are colluding with him?

The mental gymnastics some people will go through to make sure a woman is never, ever at faut and the blame should always be laid at the feet of a man, are just astounding.

RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 09:52

And not only does this sleepy place have a karaoke bar but also contains lairy women (quite a few lairy women in the whole story)

Yes I did smile to myself at the description of a 'lairy' drunk woman, from the OP who had the police called out to 'calm her down' when she was drunk and shouting just two nights earlier.

knobkopf · 28/08/2023 10:19

RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 09:50

You willingly walked right into his trap.

I do have to wonder about women on MN sometimes. What sort of person, based on everything the OP has said, leaps to this, as the most likely scanario and explanation?

What are the chances that she's been argumentative when drunk and her husband has finally had enough, after a few days of her being petulant and refusing to drop the same subject, (which is what the OP actually told us, very clearly) versus the possibility that she's actually being royally set up and gaslighted by a man who wants to concot a reason to leave her, so he can be with his other woman, and his three 'logical, intellegent teenagers' are colluding with him?

The mental gymnastics some people will go through to make sure a woman is never, ever at faut and the blame should always be laid at the feet of a man, are just astounding.

Do you not find it a bit odd that the DH, despite fearing for his safety two nights ago to the extent that he called the police, now invites his wife (who possibly has a drink problem) out to a karaoke bar for a night out?

Why would you do that?

RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 10:29

Do you not find it a bit odd that the DH, despite fearing for his safety two nights ago to the extent that he called the police, now invites his wife (who possibly has a drink problem) out to a karaoke bar for a night out?

I find all sorts of things about this thread odd.

Why would you do that?

Indeed. Why would he do that? And more to the point, why would she agree to go?

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 10:38

OP is struggling with the turn of events. She should not have gone to the bar, but she no doubt desperately wants things to return to normal and for her partner to come back home.

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 10:40

They are not married. Her friends were expecting he would propose days ago.

knobkopf · 28/08/2023 10:46

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 10:40

They are not married. Her friends were expecting he would propose days ago.

Oh for goodness sake. I made a mistake putting DH. I mixed him up with a DH on another thread where the couple were married but similar in that he'd also walked out after an argument.

knobkopf · 28/08/2023 10:47

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 10:38

OP is struggling with the turn of events. She should not have gone to the bar, but she no doubt desperately wants things to return to normal and for her partner to come back home.

I'm not commenting on whether she should have gone or not. I'm focussing on why he, who supposedly feared for his safety two days ago and had to call the police, is now inviting her to the karaoke bar (and then implied she was drunk because of the incident with the "lairy" woman knocking into her).

The whole thing is just weird,

Valerie23 · 28/08/2023 10:47

.

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.
Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 28/08/2023 10:59

Me and kids heading off home, hes staying here. I have to get them ready for back to school now anyway.

OP posts:
BustyLaRoux · 28/08/2023 11:29

RadishAndTwiglet why is it you keep adding bits into the story? Earlier you said she had caused arguments 2 or 3 days in a row (it was 2, why say 3?). Now it’s a “few days of her being petulant”. Again it was 2 days. Her birthday and the evening after. 2 days. Not a few days. You ask what are the chances of the children colluding. But where does it say that? They’ve gone with their dad. The OP suggested he take them. Why are you saying MN is suggesting the children are colluding with him? No one has said that!
I agree the situation described is very strange. Perhaps OP is a drunk who has pushed her poor partner over the edge as you seem to think with her “petulance”. Or perhaps he is creating a scenario where he can leave her without impunity and has been wanting to leave for a while. Perhaps there is another explanation entirely. From what has been described by OP (and that is all we have to go on) I suspect the partner’s intentions have been to leave and there seem to be a few odd/deliberate actions which do not add up. Of course this could be wrong and we are all entitled to speculate as OP has come onto a public forum asking for advice. You do not need to embellish what she and others have said to make your point though.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 28/08/2023 11:42

I have not had a chance to read some of the messages as yet as was hoping to repair my relationship but thats clearly not going to happen.

The OP is not a alcoholic or a drunk she had a few too many around her birthday is all. He literally last night left me and the one child in the bar and sent me a text telling me to keep out of his personal space and I have not seen or heard from him since so he clearly is in no mood to talk to me about things. We are ready to head off now anyway. I shall leave him to it for now and busy myself with back to school on wed.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 28/08/2023 11:43

Ifuckeditallup · 28/08/2023 10:59

Me and kids heading off home, hes staying here. I have to get them ready for back to school now anyway.

Are they not capable 'intelligent teens' ?

MichelleScarn · 28/08/2023 11:44

RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 09:52

And not only does this sleepy place have a karaoke bar but also contains lairy women (quite a few lairy women in the whole story)

Yes I did smile to myself at the description of a 'lairy' drunk woman, from the OP who had the police called out to 'calm her down' when she was drunk and shouting just two nights earlier.

The 'lairy' woman who apologised and nothing happened with of course.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 28/08/2023 11:45

I am not really sure why the fact I have acknowledge my kids are great kids seems to be such an issue.

OP posts:
BustyLaRoux · 28/08/2023 12:25

OP some people are being downright unpleasant on here. I suggest you leave this thread alone as it can’t be doing you much good. Focus on trying to work out where your partner’s strange actions originate. None of what you describe adds up. You must be devastated. Focus on getting through each day and being there for your kids. Lean on friends for support (not MN!) and try to come to terms with things. You need time to think and heal. Do see your GP if you think you’re falling into depression at any point. I’d leave the alcohol alone for a while maybe too. And do not contact your partner. His behaviour is very odd and you don’t know where you are with him from one day to the next. Stop letting him treat you like this. Walk away with your dignity. X

RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 13:50

RadishAndTwiglet why is it you keep adding bits into the story? Earlier you said she had caused arguments 2 or 3 days in a row (it was 2, why say 3?)

Because of this: 'After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again'

and this:

'We are normally day to day a very loving and tactile couple. 4 arguments over the years we are together is not much but this week it was 2-3 about the same thing'

You ask what are the chances of the children colluding. But where does it say that?

People are encouraging the OP to consider that her partner is gaslighting her and setting her up to look like a woman with an alcohol problem and a temper, so that he can use that against her in a custody/divorce battle. Why would he do that? His children are not so young that they cannot question any suspect behaviour or untrue accusations from him. They are old enough to speak for themselves about what they've seen with their own eyes and about their mother's behaviour in general. Either they are colluding with their dad to support this negative image of he's trying to convey of their mother (unlikely) or this theory is absolute nonsense.

GuinnessBird · 28/08/2023 13:55

Either you're a troll OP or you're living in a parallel universe.

What is more likely, that you're lying to us or that the ex-dp seized his chance after a random woman bumped into you to make out that once again, you are pissed?

Unless some moron is going to pipe up that ex-dp paid the woman to bump into her.

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