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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.

412 replies

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:43

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart shattered into a million pieces watching him walk out that door. He has blocked me on fb which is the only platform either of us use and pretty much is cold as ice now although we have had to message about the kids today.

Help me get over this? I loved him with all of my being and fucked it up with one last argument last night that he is not going to get over. Not ever. Aside from the recent arguments we have only had about others in our relationship. I have lost my best friend, my team mate, my lover all in the space of a day. What can I do to heal? It hurts so very much. I am dying inside right now as I type this because I dont want to tell family or friends. Im shattered. Please help me cope.

OP posts:
HeadInTheClouds55 · 27/08/2023 17:56

Did he find his lost credit card then? He can't buy you a birthday present, but he can take the kids for an impromptu trip to see a show?

GuinnessBird · 27/08/2023 21:07

RadishAndTwiglet · 27/08/2023 15:16

Well this thread has turned slightly odd, given your first ten or so posts, where you were quite explicit that this was all your own fault, you'd were picking arguments two or three nights on the trot after too much to drink, banging on about the same issue over and over, because (having told him a few days earlier that is his planned birthday gift was 'creepy') he didn't manage to conjure up something better out of thin air in what time he had left, because his credit card was lost.

Your drunken insistence on 'going ballistic' in another argument at the end of a night out had finally driven away this patient, perfect man, your best friend, who had been pushed too far and he'd told you he was done. You were ashamed and bereft that the police had to be called to 'calm you down.' He packed his bags and left you, blocked you on FB, broken your heart, never coming back.

It only took a few people to insist that actually he's the manipulative narc in this scenario, calling the police unnecessarily just to make a fool of you in front of the children and the neighbours. He was never scared, all you did was an tiny bit of harmless lady-shouting. I mean what grown man would be scared of that?

And the police only came out because they were bored and had nothing else to do, so there's nothing for you to be ashamed of after all. A storm in a teacup. Nothing to see here. He phoned them while he was in the bathroom, presumed to be doing a pee. That's evidence, apparently, that this was all a nasty bit of manipulation on his part.

If it were a woman it would be assumed she was locked in the bathroom for her own safety, or just so she could make the call without having the phone ripped from her hand by the shouty drunkard, but in this case it's assumed he's casually calling the police while doing a pee, to make you look stupid and to exert some sort of power over you. This amazing 'best friend' who is 'too good' a man, this normally 'loving and tactile' husband of yours, who you have a 'healthy' and 'happy' relationship with. He just called the police while doing a pee, to punish you for shouting about the lack of a birthday present.

And he hasn't actually 'left you' or 'blocked you' as such, he's just stuck the kids in the car and gone to the holiday home for a couple of days, leaving you to stew in it, to make you doubt yourself and think you behaved worse than you did. Because apparently it was his plan to engineer this whole thing so he could leave you, all along.

You've been convinced by all these posters that you are the victim here, you seem happy that your children have brushed off the whole experience without a backward glance, no trauma, nothing, (although perhaps quietly wondering to themselves why on earth Dad called the police on Mum for no good reason) and they are not actually thinking their family life as they know it is imploding and worrying if divorce is imminent. No. None of that. Just a couple of days at the holiday home with Dad but not with Mum. A few happy, normal texts back a forth.

Suddenly it's all very a different vibe going on in your posts from the immediate aftermath. Now he's fucking with you, telling you to leave him alone, then reeling you in with photos of the kids, discussing what they've had for tea etc.

There is some complete bullshit going on here somewhere, I'm just not sure where, or from whom.

I agree and that's more or less what my post was hinting at, I sense shenanigans.

MichelleScarn · 27/08/2023 21:33

GuinnessBird · 27/08/2023 21:07

I agree and that's more or less what my post was hinting at, I sense shenanigans.

No no no.
He's a menz and whatever shitty behaviour op perpetuates it's his fault innit?

Unrealnotunrealistic · 27/08/2023 22:20

Prelapsarianhag · 27/08/2023 14:49

What a cunt of a man to call the police on you for a drunken rant. He is not your friend, he is setting you up to be the bad guy. Do not dance to his tune by feeling guilty - he should feel fucking guilty for calling the police on the mother of his children, just so he can try to take control of the narrative. Horrible fucking wanker - you deserve better.

This ^
you have held your opinion in for a long time, and said nothing until it built up.
He needs to apologize to you and your kids.

Triffiddealer · 27/08/2023 22:33

Lots of back and forth of opinions here - mostly because it doesn't really make sense as it stands.

I'm not defending it, but many, many people have had drunken rants at their long-term partners (myself included in younger years) without police being called or anyone insinuating that they are an abuser.

Either:
a) OP has seriously understated her drunken rant and actually it was a serious and/or frightening attack on her partner who felt he had no other option but to call the police
or
b) her partner is setting her up as the 'abuser'. He's been thinking about leaving for a while and this is the ideal backdrop / excuse for him.

What do you think OP? How should we understand this?

Catastrophejane · 27/08/2023 22:54

This post just doesn’t add up. Like other pps, I think this is only half the story.

OP- there’s just not enough information here for anyone to be able to advise you. No can say if you DP is justified in his reaction ( or not) from what you’ve said.

I struggle to believe an otherwise healthy relationship would implode on the strength of one bad argument.

Ifuckeditallup · 28/08/2023 07:16

So yesterday he asked me to join them at holiday home so i drove there. He decided we should go to a local karaoke bar with the kids so we all went. At one point he got a round in as i went to the loo and when i got back some lairy woman bumped into me and i hit the table and knocked over the drinks. He then accused me of being drunk even though i hadnt touched a drink and chose to leave. Two kids went with him one stayed with me and i slept in her room last night. Im flumoxxed today.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 07:30

He is trying to create a narrative of you being an unfit mother for your DC and anyone else watching his show.

Get help OP, get women's aid, GP a solicitor and get blood tests etc to prove you are not alcohol dependent now. He has taken your DC. Don't wait to see what happens next. Take back your power.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 28/08/2023 07:34

Either you are in denial about your alcohol problem or he is creating a narrative that you're an alcoholic. For the sake of your DCs and any future custody dispute, it may be better to limit your contact with your DH/ex unless you have another adult friend/relative with you who can corrobborate whether you're drunk or sober.
Also make an appointment with your GP, honestly document what you drink and see if they think you need support. Tell the GP what has happened. Your DH is building an official witnessed version of his view. You need to do the same.
It's impossible for MNers to know if you're an alcoholic. Until they are ready to face it, alcoholics are experts in denial.

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 07:36

You willingly walked right into his trap.

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 07:40

If he was genuinely worried about your drinking the last place he would have taken you is a karaokes bar ffs. Willingly or not your DC are pawns in this game. Please get help OP don't passively accept it.

Ifuckeditallup · 28/08/2023 07:41

Im just so confused. Less than a week ago we were kissing and cuddling and now this nothing.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 07:43

Last week doesn't matter now OP, next week does. The confusion is part of coercive control. You will feel like you are out of your mind. Next he will be super reasonable to reel you back in and have complete authority over you. Please get help.

RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 07:45

You went to a karaoke bar? After everything that has happened over the last two or three days, you didn't sit down for a serious chat once the kids were in bed, or take yourselves off for a long walk to discuss what's happened, whether he's still intending to leave you, or where you both go from here?

No. You take the children to a karaoke bar, because you are obviously all in a jolly enough mood for that ffs. Yesterday morning he was texting you 'leave me alone'. By evening you all out and singing like the Family Von Trapp.

some lairy woman bumped into me and i hit the table and knocked over the drinks. He then accused me of being drunk even though i hadnt touched a drink and chose to leave.

Oh here we go. It starts. The stage has been set, we've taken our seats and now it's the gradual unfolding of Fanny by Gaslight.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 28/08/2023 07:46

Also OP you need to speak to people who know you in RL - your parents or siblings; a different close friend. You live in a place where gossip is rife, you need support.

Tbh reading back over all your posts, it sounds as though he knew about the expectation of an engagement and has deliberately done the absolute opposite and started creating a narrative as to why he's justified in stringing you along but not committing. He's made it very clear he isn't proposing. You need to get out of the mindset that there is something salvageable here. There isn't. You're on opposite sides.

Alwaysdecorating · 28/08/2023 07:51

How do we know he has been stringing her along?

They have been together long enough to have teens, he didn't say he was proposing. I may have missed it, but did op say she had been hanging on for near on 20 years because he promised he would propose and never did?

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 28/08/2023 07:55

Read back OP's posts. You'll see when everyone expected the proposal. If you disagree with my view that's fine but you don't need to tell me. I'm not derailing OP's thread by arguing about it.

January2015 · 28/08/2023 07:55

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Wiii · 28/08/2023 08:27

Sounds like he thinks you've got a drink problem. Which is not surprising as every issue you have seems to include alcohol.

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 08:30

Sounds like he thinks you've got a drink problem

So he thought taking her and the kids to a bar was a good idea.

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 08:32

Wiii · 28/08/2023 08:27

Sounds like he thinks you've got a drink problem. Which is not surprising as every issue you have seems to include alcohol.

Which he is instrumental in organising!

Alwaysdecorating · 28/08/2023 08:34

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 28/08/2023 07:55

Read back OP's posts. You'll see when everyone expected the proposal. If you disagree with my view that's fine but you don't need to tell me. I'm not derailing OP's thread by arguing about it.

Jesus wept! Snippy much?

I can see where Op said friends and family thought he was going to. But nowhere that he has been promising to or stringing her along.

Why would there need to be an argument? I just don't think it's helpful to the Op to start inserting narratives about him stringing her along for marriage when she hasn't said this the case.

Just because a couple isn't married, it doesn't mean the woman has been desperate to get married and the man promising he will propose but not doing.

RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 08:43

Im just so confused. Less than a week ago we were kissing and cuddling and now this nothing.

Yep. Sure is strange. You've been with this man long enough to have three teenagers with him, yet you talk as though it's someone you've had a handful of amazing dates with and now he's gone cold on you.

it sounds as though he knew about the expectation of an engagement and has deliberately done the absolute opposite and started creating a narrative as to why he's justified in stringing you along but not committing. He's made it very clear he isn't proposing.

Who moons around like a 25 year old waiting/hoping for a romantic proposal after nearly 20 years, three kids and two houses together? Why? If the OP feels they should be married she should just tell him. I've decided it's best for our financial situation and our long term security if we get married. What do you think? He'll either agree or disagree, but all this 'my friends were excited, we all thought this birthday would be the night he'd finally propose' just sounds like bullshit and more justification for her 'going ballistic' in drink. Poor disappointed, taken for granted wee thing, pushed over the edge by the bitter disappointment of not only his lack of proposal but also his terrible taste in spas.

For the sake of your DCs and any future custody dispute, it may be better to limit your contact with your DH/ex unless you have another adult friend/relative with you who can corrobborate whether you're drunk or sober.
Also make an appointment with your GP, honestly document what you drink and see if they think you need support. Tell the GP what has happened. Your DH is building an official witnessed version of his view. You need to do the same.

Well as she's described her children as three 'educated, intelligent, logical teenagers', who were there when he called the police (apparently for reasons that were fabricated and exaggerated) and also there when he accused her of being drunk and knocking tables over, when they'd all witnessed her not touching a drop, I think the teenagers themselves are probably capable of speaking up in any custody battle.

BustyLaRoux · 28/08/2023 08:44

OP I am a little confused about your recent update.

Earlier you had told everyone not to worry and said you won’t be drinking again. But yesterday you agreed to let him buy you a drink. Surely this would have been a real opportunity to show lessons learnt, maturity, reflection and ask for a soft drink…?? I am astounded you agreed to drink alcohol in front of him. Partly because it shows a disregard for what happened the other night and, victim or not aside, you know that behaviour was concerning for all. But you agreed to more alcohol! Do you have more of a problem with alcohol than you’re letting on perhaps? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in a position to criticise. I drink more than I should. But even I would have taken this chance to say no thanks to a drink and asked for a coke or something instead.

In the morning he is saying don’t contact me and by the evening he’s inviting you out for drinks?!!! WTAF?! Again this is really odd. Why did you agree to that? Why not say that rather than a night out what you need is a chat about where things are at and not in front of your children.

You said at some point he offered to get a round in? You also said you hadn’t touched a drop. Surely he would know that. He bought the first drink from the sound of it. He would know you weren’t drunk. Or was he suggesting you’d shown up to the place drunk? Did an argument ensue with lairy woman? Is that why he thought you were drunk?

It’s very possible he is painting a calculated picture of you as an unstable drunk so that he has a justification for leaving. And possibly arguing you’re not fit to have the children. Or maybe you’ve not been entirely truthful with MN/yourself and there is a problem with alcohol after all. Either way, this update is just weird.

RadishAndTwiglet · 28/08/2023 08:47

I am astounded you agreed to drink alcohol in front of him.

She says she didn't touch a drop at the karaoke bar. Although I am astounded that they went to the karaoke bar at all. Well, astounded is one way of describing it.

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