The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.

[Ifuckeditallup]

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart shattered into a million pieces watching him walk out that door. He has blocked me on fb which is the only platform either of us use and pretty much is cold as ice now although we have had to message about the kids today.

Help me get over this? I loved him with all of my being and fucked it up with one last argument last night that he is not going to get over. Not ever. Aside from the recent arguments we have only had about others in our relationship. I have lost my best friend, my team mate, my lover all in the space of a day. What can I do to heal? It hurts so very much. I am dying inside right now as I type this because I dont want to tell family or friends. Im shattered. Please help me cope.

Hey OP, hope you are feeling okay. Sounds like a very emotional time and I feel for you. Being hungover from booze definitely won't be helping, so tomorrow is another day of detox and will bring a better Outlook. I know alcohol does really silly things to our brains, I'm sorry, I can't recall the science exactly, but something about more blood flow to certain areas...these tend to be the irrational side, whilst also blocking blood from going to the area that has 'sense'... you know that parent brain we've got that tells us to wise up...that gets temporarily shut off. Maybe most times, this won't end up too bad....maybe we say something silly, but unfortunately it can also be really devastating if we drink when already going through a hurtful situation. You never know what will happen in the near future, so try and not panic that everything is changed forever. I have recently found how powerful writing is....like just getting pen and paper and writing words, any words, doesn't have to make sense or flow or sound a certain way...its not meant to be read so you can destroy it afterwords, but there's something about the process that makes us cope with highly emotional and painful experiences. That's my tip for you, its worked for me. Try it before going to bed and I bet you'll have a decent sleep.

Good luck and I hope things feel positive soon xxx

If I was you I'd never drink again, I think this has a lot to do with it.

Ok, the main thing to do now is to talk to someone who will help you with the pain you are feeling without judgement. MN is absolutely not her place to get this - I swear 90% of the posters here have never had a real issue in their lives the way they pile in with judgement as though it will do anything other than more harm 🙄

Can you look up a local counsellor or someone who does CBT. If you really cannot function then the GP is also a good first point of call to potentially get some short-term medication to help you sleep and deal with anxiety.

I have been in your position when a relationship ended unexpectedly. If you can't function then you can't deal with all the other stuff around you - talk to someone who will listen without judging and get medication if you need it.

Totally agree @BeardyButton

So do you not have any memory gaps op? From what you have written it seems like he called the police to punish you not because he was scared.

Why do you argue so infrequently? Are you a people pleaser?

Could it be that you were disappointed and upset that you hadn’t received a birthday present but more so that he didn’t propose to you?

Had you built expectations up in your own mind that he was going to propose, you told your friends this and it didn’t happen?

So on your night out with your friends, when they asked you about whether he had proposed or what he got you for your on your birthday, you felt humiliated and took it out on him when you got home? Because of the influence of drink, you lost control.

You had built up a scenario in your mind, and shared this scenario with your friends, where he treated you to a spa day/ weekend and he made a romantic proposal? But this isn’t how your imagined perfect birthday played out and things didn’t live up to your expectations?

Your pride was hurt? You felt humiliated?

So you had a huge temper tantrum and caused a huge row.

Good morning all. I managed to go to bed early and have had a decent nights sleep. I wont say I feel less broken today but my head is certainly clearer so my plan is to sit and have coffee now, relive the entire last few days in my head and then with an open mind go back over all the 12 pages of this thread and see if anything clicks be it over or underblaming myself or indeed over reacting and acting like a child throwing its dummy out I am prepared to reach my truth whatever way it presents.

Again thank you all for taking time to post especially the lengthier ones! MN can be a hard place at times but when you wade through all messages I do think there is a certain level of intelectual maturity to be found and I will be reading everything with a clearer head with interest.

I may not come back online till later in the day. I am up early and do not plan to stew on this all day and going to bring myself to the gym and for a swim early and try to refocus and recentre myself but I will be back. x

Do you have a problem with alcohol?
Do you need to make some changes like join AA?

You need to attend to your outrageous outbursts of abusive behaviour.
Do you need to seek a medical examination?
Do you need to complete an Anger Management course?

Put the hard work in .. and apologise.
I hope you continue to parent friendly and respectful together.
If you do get back with him be consistent in not drinking too much.

If you wanted a proposal and missed it so much why did you never propose to him over the years?

He'll be back. It's not the end.

These posts are ridiculous! Having read every post by the OP, I don’t see much evidence of an alcohol problem. She said this is NOT a pattern of behaviour. She has been very open to taking responsibility.

OP - I come from a family of angry alcoholics. Their alcoholism was expressed through a pattern of abusive confrontations. If this truly is a pattern, then yes you need help. But the balancing part is that alcohol overcomes inhibitions. From your post, I read that being drunk made you more likely to overcome your tendency to placate and avoid confrontation. This isn’t a good thing per se, but it’s also not a sign of alcoholism.

Im much more concerned about your partners leaving you because you got drunk once and had a fight. I wouldn’t end a friendship over this, let alone a relationship. Over the years, I ve had a couple of drunken disputes with friends. Yes! I’ve been annoyed in the morning. Yes, it’s taken me a while to forgive etc. But in both instances, I got over it because the friendships were worth it. Now if it became a pattern, that may have been different.

My sense on this - you partner is not as committed as you (not getting married goes along with this) and this gave him a good story to tell himself. Ending a relationship with kids involved is really difficult and awful. No one likes to view themselves as the anti hero. This allows your partner to do something rubbish to people he should love and come out of it smelling of roses.

Through all this - remember you do not have to endorse the vision of you he is trying to paint. Ya! You got drunk and acted like an asshole. You probably shouted and raved. So what!!!?? Quite honestly! So what?!

MN is great for a lot of things. But it’s also got loads and loads of posters who use it portray themselves in the way they would like to live as opposed to the way they actually live. You can bet your bottom dollar these posters have acted the asshole in their own lives on occasion. In fact, you could argue they are using this thread to act the asshole still.

This is MUCH more my reading. MUCH!

OP, he will be back. Maybe not for a few weeks/months. But he will. Even if he has another woman stashed somewhere.

But I’d question whether to be with him. Are you walking on eggshells constantly?! Afraid you ll lose his affection if you have any form of confrontation?

I cannot emphasise enough that confrontation is completely normal in healthy relationships. It is how you deal with confrontation that matters. I m not saying you dealt with this well. But I m reading that you’ve been swallowing your emotions about a lot to avoid confrontation (why?) for years. I see your drunken outburst like a dam breaking.

MN is great for a lot of things. But it’s also got loads and loads of posters who use it portray themselves in the way they would like to live as opposed to the way they actually live. You can bet your bottom dollar these posters have acted the asshole in their own lives on occasion. In fact, you could argue they are using this thread to act the asshole still.

Amen. Glad you're feeling a bit better, OP, and that you're getting more thoughtful responses now to your post.

Having read all OPs posts I am still none the wiser about this situation, but am impressed that many MNs seem to have a good grasp of the situation. I have some questions:

Why we’re you surprised by having no present when you knew he had lost his credit card? Many people - including me sometimes - buy pressies at the last minute. Unless this was a significant birthday where you might expect more? Is it usual in your relationship to make a deal of birthdays.

Why specifically did he call the police? I mean, what did he say to them? What made them come out to your “domestic”. Police don’t deal with lover’s tiffs even in a small village so he must have said that you were either at risk of harming yourself or him.

When the police were at your place what exactly did your dp say to them and them to you?

How did the kids react to your outburst?

was dp definitely ignoring you or was he trying to keep his distance in case you kicked off again?

if he returned and proposed would you say yes? If so, why?

Do you think that what people say about him being the abusive one is true? I am not sure I agree but I am not inside your relationship.

Whether or not you answer the questions I wish you the best of luck.

Glad to read you slept well OP.

I hope that reflection will give you some clarity.

Look closely at his recent behaviour and his out of character calling of the police.

You don't appear to have a memory gap which indicates you were pissed more than out of your head drunk.

I hope this is the wake up call for you to look closely at what is going on.

I think the strong possibility that he called the police to punish/humiliate you, while allowing your children to witness it, is hugely shocking, and shows such a selfish disinterest in their well-being.

I would NEVER look at him the same and I certainly wouldn't ever trust him.

Are there other examples of low level controlling/ punishing behaviour by him?

I honestly cannot get beyond the awfulness of the police being called if unwarranted, and would suggest you really think about his motivation to do that and what it means.

Double check with your friends you were out with, how much youbhad and what your state was, and tell them what happened.

There reaction will be interesting.

I think on that basis prepare yourself for the relationship to be over, which would likely be best for you long term.

Wishing you well.

Yesterday we had a few messages back and forth and he seemed amicable however this morning I messaged to ask him something and got told 'do not talk to me, go away' so I am fairly conflicted. I am meeting a friend for coffee later and will chat with her about it as I do need to talk to someone in real life but I promise I will be on here at some point to update. I hate when posters never come back to their own threads so I will not be doing it.

he seemed amicable however this morning I messaged to ask him something and got told 'do not talk to me, go away' so I am fairly conflicted.

He's toying with you, keeping you dangling. Take control of this. X

@Coralie1 is maybe right, but I also think he's worked himself up into righteous anger. Maybe someone told him he was a twat for calling the police on you so, he has to justify it to himself again.

Give him some space. Badgering him is not respectful, it's all about putting your own need for reassurance above his need to have a break from you.

Also, stop drinking. Go to AA for help if you need it. If I were him I would want to know you are 100% committed to stop drinking before I even considered anything to do with you again.

There has to be so much more to this.

Either you’re underplaying what happened or something is happening his end that you don’t know about.

Don’t message him again.

Agree.
As none of us were there we don't know what the shouting was actually like. So it is possible you are underplaying it a bit. On the other hand, maybe it was exactly as you say.

You shouldn't keep contacting him though. Both of you need time to cool off and have time to think.

Contact at the moment should only be about the kids.

Even though it's hard, it will all come out in the wash...
At some point you'll know more about what is going on in his head and why the situation escalated to the police being called.
You'll also have more of an idea of what is going on with you and while you feel the way you do and why you reacted like you did.

But what should he have done if OP’s behaviour gave him the ick and he’s absolutely fed-up with it.
He is allowed to end it- and actually, even if there is someone waiting in the wings, that doesn’t make OP’s behaviour any better or more acceptable.

Hi OP. Well done on getting a good sleep and for intending to have coffee and a swim (I hope you managed those) and meet later with a friend and actually talk to a real life person. It’s not easy to scrape yourself off the floor! Yesterday was a shitty awful day and you got a lot of advice and a lot of criticism. I’m not sure that all of it was helpful but there is definitely some good stuff in here worth taking time to mull over.

Please don’t spend any of today hating on yourself. You’ve done more than enough of that. Today isn’t about that. Today is about taking stock and starting a process of some difficult and honest soul searching.

Your partner’s reaction this morning is odd given yesterday he was messaging letting you know how his day was going. Maybe yesterday he felt you were too broken to have his anger piled on top, and maybe today he feels you’ve had your “recovery day” and now it’s OK for his real feelings to be known. I dunno. Whatever though, don’t message him again. If you’re like me at all you’ll be wanting to fix this and make it all go away and the temptation might be there to try and get him to forgive you. Either he really does want some space, or he is punishing you further. Either way, don’t go trying to chase after him. Leave him be and spend this time on yourself.

FWIW I don’t think you have a problem with alcohol. You got pissed and made an arse of yourself but that’s not a long term problem with alcohol. It’s a sad woman carrying some unspoken resentments who had too much to drink and let rip when she shouldn’t have. That isn’t an alcohol problem. I think you’ve had enough shame for one day so put your feelings of shame to one side as they’re not going to help you analyse the wider picture. It happened. Move on.

A relationship doesn’t have to be violent or shouty for it to be abusive. I don’t know you or your partner so I can’t determine whether that’s what you’re experiencing. But some of the things you’ve said do wave some red flags. I do definitely think there is a power imbalance. You’ve described feeling insecure, you’ve said you suffered with depression before. I assume he knows that - does he ever mention it? Does he refer to your emotional vulnerability ever? Or make you feel as though he’s your saviour and your rock and he is the one who makes everything OK? If there is any sniff that he has created or encouraged a dependency on him then I would be worried. That would be a form of abuse painted to look like love and care.

You say you never argue. Why not? That’s actually pretty strange in itself. There must be times when he irritates you and vice versa. Or you simply don’t agree about something. What then? Do you avoid saying how you feel? What about when one of you wants to do x and the other one wants y? Do you discuss it and make a mutual decision or do you let it go and go with whatever is easier? Do you actively avoid conflict? Do you worry about getting the silent treatment or cold shoulder if you were to disagree/voice upset?

Is he charming and attentive and do the children, friends etc think he is the bees knees? But do you ever feel like it’s an act and he can turn it on and off at will?

You don’t need to have a plan. It’s fine to take each day one at a time. You’re still in shock. Perhaps this isn’t the relationship you convinced yourself it was. Perhaps you forced any niggling doubts down and didn’t pay attention to your instincts and tried to be the perfect partner so as to please him and feel secure. I get the feeling that sense of security is important to you. Maybe you’ve ignored some stuff in order to maintain that secure feeling. Maybe now is the time to face up to those niggles.

I reiterate that to end a long term relationship with children over two drunken outbursts is fucking weird! To call the Police on you in front of your children was a low blow and seems calculated. I think he wants you to feel shame. A real “partner” would be angry and upset but would want to work through it. Yes they may think you should feel ashamed of being a bit of a twat, but they wouldn’t just end the relationship and refuse to discuss it! He has an agenda there. And is trying to make it look like one thing (your fault, your instability, his need for calm and to get away from you) when in fact it is another (a decision already taken to end the relationship but it not be his fault. Or worse, a power play designed to make you beg him for forgiveness and hand over all the power to him. In other words he will deign to forgive you at some point but he will reinforce the need for you to get help and he is a saint for giving you another chance). That’s not a healthy dynamic. Yes if you had a history of doing things like this, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case at all. And that’s why his reaction is so odd. It doesn’t really make sense and there must be more to it.

Hold your head up. Breathe. Do some nice things for yourself. This is hard but it might be a blessing in disguise. Xx

Police won't come out unless there is a threat to life. So there is obviously more to it, they don't have the resources to come out for an argument. I know because they told me that, when they were called out when ex and I split up (ex left a knife out as a threat). I also had to give a statement and show them messages I had been sent. The night before I had been locked out and they wouldn't come, it wasn't until he threatened me that they came out.

Not sure what he said to the police but they came out regarding whatever he said anyway.

As for the messaging it was actually about the kids. I reminded him of something they had to do today and got told to leave him alone which was strange as he was messaging me last night telling me about them off to dinner and a show.

I am not an alcoholic as a few people have asked. Birthday week and a few too many drinks to have but i was totally coherant which the kids and police saw and faced with whatever he told them and then faced with me he was unable to lie so basically spouted some shite about my breaking the peace in the house and he wanted an outsider to stop me or some nonsense.

We dont argue as we normally have the same outlook on things and have nothing to disagree about really not even in relation to raising the kids but apparently if i was in his shoes he would not have minded no immediate present therefore i need to be of hive mind and think the same so i mentioned we are not in fact the same person and got caled materialistic. Again I am not but we always have made a big deal of birthdays so it seemed odd. I have heard from the kids today and currently they are out at the beach with ice creams and having a blast. I would say he is doing a disney dad routine but he is always spoiling them so he isnt trying to get one over on me at least where the kids are concerned.

I got my coffee, gym, pool and a walk in. Just in now to shower and head out to meet my friend but I am trying to build up the courage to speak as I keep breaking down crying.

Agree, they must have heard the shouting over the phone or there must have been more to it. Absolutely cannot see police resources being used especially as you say 'they know you' for a small argument.