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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive argument

230 replies

witnessprotection73 · 26/08/2023 10:06

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

OP posts:
bookworm44 · 28/08/2023 19:24

witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 19:18

We met for a drink and talked more. Honestly I’m turning the other way now as although it was constructive he had nothing good to say at all. He said he’s been unhappy for a while, this is despite recently telling me he’s the happiest he’s been in ages and he just said I was naggy & said I act like a 60s housewife! ( this is because I like a clean house)… Forgetting that I have a career, I’m financially successful, I’m studying nutrition & have lots of other dimensions to me beyond cleaning the house 😡.

My current state of mind is tell him to fuk the fuk off if I’m so awful to be with!

Ok and how have you left it? What did you say to him?

pikkumyy77 · 28/08/2023 19:28

I think the hardest thing for some of these guys to accept is that they are at the center of their own midlife crises. They look everywhere but inside, or the mirror, to figure out why they are unhappy.

Shapemyeyebrows · 28/08/2023 19:29

Can you see what he’s doing? He’s basically saying he only wants to be with you if you put up and shut up. If you raise any issues (nag according to him) then he will punish you or consider leaving you. If I were you I would be saying that YOU don’t want to be with him right now. Like you say, if he’s so unhappy, let him go. Why would you want to persuade someone to be with you and someone who treats you appealingly at that. It’s all too common that a man treats a woman like shit, the woman stays and stays and doesn’t leave - only for the man to leave her instead. You really do deserve better.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 19:33

He said he’s been unhappy for a while, this is despite recently telling me he’s the happiest he’s been in ages and he just said I was naggy & said I act like a 60s housewife!

Now he's rewriting history and blaming you for his unhappiness. It's textbook, honestly. I doubt very much he's been staying with his "mate." He's going to be pulling out all the stops to make you the bad guy.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 19:53

Ok and how have you left it? What did you say to him?

I said don’t you have anything nice to say and I said I loved him and wanted him to come home, but if I living with me makes him so unhappy then we really shouldn’t be together. He said no I want to try and work things out and then said ‘I like your trousers’- prick

OP posts:
Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 19:54

Shapemyeyebrows · 28/08/2023 19:29

Can you see what he’s doing? He’s basically saying he only wants to be with you if you put up and shut up. If you raise any issues (nag according to him) then he will punish you or consider leaving you. If I were you I would be saying that YOU don’t want to be with him right now. Like you say, if he’s so unhappy, let him go. Why would you want to persuade someone to be with you and someone who treats you appealingly at that. It’s all too common that a man treats a woman like shit, the woman stays and stays and doesn’t leave - only for the man to leave her instead. You really do deserve better.

Yes I do see that and I did raise that. We will 100% be going for counselling and this will be discussed.

OP posts:
bookworm44 · 28/08/2023 19:56

What if he refuses counselling? Men aren't big on discussing their feelings, let alone with a stranger. I am glad you didn't grovel & beg him to come home! He must be wondering what's going on in your head too.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 19:56

It's textbook, honestly. I doubt very much he's been staying with his "mate." He's going to be pulling out all the stops to make you the bad guy.

that part is true. His friends GF has been messaging me, just checking to see how I’m doing and complaining because they’ve reverted to being teenagers sitting up half the night, smoking etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 20:01

pikkumyy77 · 28/08/2023 19:28

I think the hardest thing for some of these guys to accept is that they are at the center of their own midlife crises. They look everywhere but inside, or the mirror, to figure out why they are unhappy.

I agree. He has the most stressful job and I sometimes wonder if he is burning out but any suggestion of that is met with the accusation that I’m saying he can’t cope

OP posts:
Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 20:01

bookworm44 · 28/08/2023 19:56

What if he refuses counselling? Men aren't big on discussing their feelings, let alone with a stranger. I am glad you didn't grovel & beg him to come home! He must be wondering what's going on in your head too.

i think he will agree if it’s via zoom.

OP posts:
bookworm44 · 28/08/2023 20:10

witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 20:01

i think he will agree if it’s via zoom.

Show quote history

I think that's a very positive sign!

Alargeoneplease89 · 28/08/2023 20:12

Sounds like a midlife crisis on his part.

IWillBeStrong · 28/08/2023 20:25

Having read through the thread I can defintely say I have walked in your shoes and still am. In my case it was always my fault and then I would grovel, say sorry beg for another chance. On Friday the proverbial hit the fan again and he said that definitely now we are separating. He then went away for the weekend (blissful - myself & the kids binge watched Transformers).

You are in a very difficult position and it will take strength & courage to stand up now and not give in. However it is very good that he will do counselling as my OH will not. Make sure you do the counselling and all the sessions - this will surely help - whether the outcome is to stay together or break up at least you will have talked it through and hopefully understand each other's thoughts better.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 20:51

@IWillBeStrong

I'm sorry you’re also going through this especially with children involved, it’s always harder to walk away when you have kids to consider. What will you do?

I will try the counselling and I do hope it’s works but I know I’ve lost some love and respect for him- and I’m not sure if that will return. Currently it feels broken and that makes me very sad but am I better sad together or sad alone.

OP posts:
Asurvivor · 28/08/2023 21:11

I get the feeling that he is punishing you OP for standing up for yourself and calling his bluff re. divorce. If he’s said that he wants to work things out, then why does he need some extra days at his friend’s house - knowing that you are upset and want to come back.
I can see why you have lost some love and respect for him, he isn’t being kind and loving towards you.

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 21:27

Asurvivor · 28/08/2023 21:11

I get the feeling that he is punishing you OP for standing up for yourself and calling his bluff re. divorce. If he’s said that he wants to work things out, then why does he need some extra days at his friend’s house - knowing that you are upset and want to come back.
I can see why you have lost some love and respect for him, he isn’t being kind and loving towards you.

This might sounds weird but I get the impression he wants to stay at his friends because he’s made a big thing of asking to stay and then if leaves after just 2 nights he will lose face. Does that make sense? Like he’s got to prove he’s given it enough time etc.

I asked him if he wanted to come home then why wait till Wednesday and he reiterated that he just needed that time to reflect more.

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 28/08/2023 21:55

The sad truth is he’s where he wants to be. If he wanted to come home he would.

pikkumyy77 · 28/08/2023 22:21

This is just ridiculous. Time and tide wait for no man. And neither does love. He is either busy working on the marriage or he’s moving away from it at light speed. I’m so sorry OP. I am afraid that by the time he returns it will be too late and you simply will discover that you don’t care any more.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2023 22:35

Sorry, but this is just fucking ridiculous. He's treating you like a puppet on a string, calling all the shots, while you sit there like a lemon actually allowing all of this. He is playing you for a fool.

I'd be telling him to either come home right now, work on fixing the relationship as he claims he wants to do, or he can stay gone. Fuck this nonsense and game playing. Tolerating this only works to guarantee that it will all happen again when he decides to have another mantrum.

JenWillsiam · 28/08/2023 22:56

How long have you been together?

Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 23:02

It is ridiculous and I am well aware he is holding all the cards. However, I will do the counselling as the last resort and make it clear that for me it is the last resort, I want to give our marriage a chance so I know I’ve really tried . I cannot and will live like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
witnessprotection73 · 28/08/2023 23:02

7 years- married 2.5

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 29/08/2023 03:53

What a little drama queen he is. It would give me the Ick

sodthesodoff · 29/08/2023 07:21

sodthesodoff · 27/08/2023 11:51

Honestly my first thought was he's a controlling arse. You only have a few bust ups a year. Is that not when you're not doing as you're told?

It's very manipulative to suggest divorce and remove your wedding ring. It's a threat. To pull you back into line

This time you didn't snap back into line so he's upped the ante. And made you feel like shit waiting. He's in total control

But no to your original question. It's not normal and I would not tolerate this.

I posted this a few days ago. And it still stands.

A few of us posted at the weekend saying the same thing.

It's a very controlling tactic. You've not done what he wants so he's upping the ante.

He's keeping you dangling. Waiting.

Do you think you deserve this after seven years of being together?

The thing is it won't stop. And he will have the power over every disagreement, every time you want to say you're unhappy about something the fear that he'll just fuck off out of there. Just the threat of this happening again will keep you in line.

It's not a healthy dynamic at all. I would recommend counselling for yourself. Not as a couple. But to unpick why you are accepting this and help you realise how unhealthy this is.

I would tell him not to come back. Until you're ready. Take back some power instead of waiting around on him.

Personally I would never have him back though.

billy1966 · 29/08/2023 07:51

I 100% agree with @sodthesodoff

Get counselling for yourself.

Figure out why you think this is in any way acceptable.

I wouldn't dream of inflicting him on any child.

I simply wouldn't trust him.

He is not an adult.
Your relationship is not his priority.

I would absolutely think that he has huge issues and I repeat I wouldn't dream of saddling yourself with a child with him.

He simply isn't reliable.

What age are you?

Because I would seriously be looking at what you want for YOUR life and if this bullshit is it.

Do NOT get caught with a child by this man.

You will bitterly regret it.