Massive argument

[witnessprotection73]

My DH & I generally get along really well- we’re extremely close, laugh a lot & just comfortably exist in one another company.

But 2/3 times a year we have a huge row over something or lots of small things that build up. But what makes it worst is he will blow up & say it’s over, sleep in the spare room & remove his wedding ring. It pisses me off and so last night I said yes I agree it is over because Im fed up of him pulling that card- it’s so unnecessary, we’re not young so I feel all the drama should be behind us. Normally the next day I will just act normal & it will be forgotten- one or both of us will apologise and that’s that. Today is different.

Today he had gone off to his Mums for the day which was pre arranged for us both to go- I don’t care as I now have a day for myself but I do feel more anxious & uneasy.

Does everyone have this? Like a couple of big blow ups or are we just a toxic mix?!

Should I just enjoy my unexpected free day?!

Imagine holding a young baby in your arms and every time you ask this toddler to adult he tantrums and walks out?

Because that will be you.

It's the same in this household. Barely any arguing then one or two big blow ups a year. A few days of awkwardness. A good chat then we carry on. I prefer it like this to be honest, I couldn't do with arguing all the time. If you know it's great for the other 362 ish days a year then I don't think that's bad going.

Absolutely everyone argues (if they don't I think that's a bigger issue) and I guess this is just how it happens in your household.

One thing I have learnt over the years though is to be careful with the hurtful things that are said but not meant. Because there's obviously a lot brewing over that time I think it all comes out at once's and perhaps not in the best way. So maybe have a really good chat and just say he's overstepping a line with that particular threat and one day he might have to make good on it.

Sorry OP I've just read the rest of the thread so my previous comment isn't of much relevance now x

@sodthesodoff

I understand what you’re saying and thank you for taking the time reply.

If he’d done this, (leaving), before I’d not take him back and I’ll be clear that I won’t be putting up with it again. In fact I am going to consider how I can be prepared to leave myself should it happen again.

Please don’t think I’m taking him back with open arms. I’m still hurt, angry and I don’t even feel much love for him at the moment. For the first time in our relationship I’m considering how my future might not include him.

The control thing, if it is that won’t work, I couldn’t not express my thoughts even if I wanted to. I think we both need to be better at expressing things by a with kinder words though- we both have a habit of going on the attack.

We will see how it goes x

I’m 48 so that would a shock 😂😂

@witnessprotection73 I understand. And I hope you realise that we all just have your best interests at heart here. This can't be an easy thread for you.

The only thing I'd say is you see him leaving as the line he's crossed. And that you won't tolerate that again

For many of us - well me definitely! - threatening divorce and taking your wedding ring off is a massive line. It's a real threat. And he uses that regularly.

Everyone argues. That's normal. But the way it escalates to this level with his threat of abandonment is not healthy and not normal.

It's like he has one foot out of the door at all times. And all it takes is one disagreement and he's off.

No one can live happily and securely in a relationship that's always on edge with the slightest disagreement taking it to 'divorce and wedding ring off'.

And I would be very careful. As I do think he has upped the ante now as you haven't fallen into line. So now you have the very real threat of him walking out and disappearing if you don't fall into line.

The way he has kept you dangling like this is pretty horrific. I can't imagine doing that to someone I love.

Everyone argues. That's normal. But the way it escalates to this level with his threat of abandonment is not healthy and not normal.

It's like he has one foot out of the door at all times. And all it takes is one disagreement and he's off.

This is exactly how I feel and I have expressed this to him. I cannot live in fear and actually trust and security is the cornerstone of marriage. I will reiterate this once he’s back too.

This thread has got me through the weekend to be honest as I’ve not confided in anyone else and it’s also good to hear the perspectives of people who aren’t emotionally attached to you as it’s just black and white. Thank you x

My husband can get like this when we argue. We're the same Btw 1/2 big blow ups a year. He likes to take his time getting over it while I'd prefer to carry on going over it until it's sorted. The last time we argued he stormed off to his mothers.. I had my nails done and went shopping. Enjoy your day off!

I'm sorry OP I agree with this & said something similar earlier in the thread - He's actively enjoying a lads weekend round his mates.

It's a game for him. It's not really real & he's taking full advantage of the adrenaline of drama, attention from his friend & attention from you, telling him you want him home, that you love him... All that nice stuff, and then he has home to come back to when he's bored.

Meanwhile he leaves you feeling sick & sad, confused & reconsidering your marriage. These are not the actions of a loving husband, nor an emotionally mature adult.

I was honestly surprised when you said you were 45+ (assuming you're similar ages) - I assumed you were a young couple in your 20's with his immature behaviour.

I'd definitely get some counselling, with or without him.

@Taxiii I had the same thought about his age too, I had imagined this man to be in his late 20’s as he sounds very immature. Alongside him having the type of mates who will actively encourage this behaviour. 🤷‍♀️

Oh God OP, things have escalated since I last caught up with this thread. I know you love him, and want to work on your marriage, but I don't think it would do any harm to tell him that you are considering your position and feelings (you are), and that you'll let him know when you are ready to see him again. A teeny, tiny shot against the bows. Because I think PPs have it, he's thinking he's got you dangling on a string. He sounds like a tosser, tbh ...

Oh OP I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through similar dynamic with my first DH for 17 years (with the added bonus of mutual drug and alcohol addiction).

The way I see it is that you have ended up in a situation where you have handed over an awful lot of emotional power to your DP and so now he calls the emotional shots and yanks your strings like a puppet.

The juvenile game he is currently playing of will-he-won't-he return today so NOT ON.

This isn't an LTB, but it's definitely a gentle nudge to do some work on yourself to better understand the fynamics of your trelationship and your own personal triggers so that you can communicate better and generally be happier in life.

Glad children are notva concern for you, but for goodness sake OP get some counselling.

He's nearly 50 and flouncing?🙄

How deeply unattractive and ICK inducing....running off to his buddies for a playdate🙄

ICK.

You so deserve better.

Did you REALLY get married in your 40's for THIS?

I honestly thought you guys were 20-somethings having your first relationship 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you're both virtually half a century old and haven't worked out how to talk to your spouse yet, I'd give up.

Your H ran off to his mum's and then to his mate's to play video games when he argued with his (supposed) life partner, claiming "we are never, ever getting back together; like ever!"

That's the attitude of a teenage boy, not someone who is the age of some grandfathers I know 🙄

Bin him off and find an adult to be your partner instead.

Do you or he have any children from previous relationships?

married 2.5 years and you’ve posted a couple of threads about your unhappiness in this marriage.

This isn’t good OP, I feel for you. Sadly I suspect you’ll be back

I don’t see the relevance here?

@Layinwait sadly I think you might be right. The space has also given me time to reflect and a light has gone out for me in the last 48 hours. Maybe it will return but honestly I think this may have run out of steam.

Because this will be a horrible environment for them.

Hey @witnessprotection73 how are you? I was thinking about you yesterday. Did he come back and you manage to talk?

I'm sorry. I did think that this leaving might change things for you. And it's very hard to go back once you've seen that.

Did you talk to anyone in real life? I know it's hard to sometimes as it makes it 'real' and harder to come back from. But sadly this is real.

I hope today goes okay @witnessprotection73

I'm not surprised your own feelings have changed. Apart from anything else, you must be exhausted. I hope you have some RL support.

Unless you want him back, don't be pressured into letting him come home today just because his time has run out at party-friends house.

It's a situation of his own making.

Oh ignore me. I had my days mixed up. Well I was thinking of you yesterday AND thinking of you today. Hope you're okay x

This is what happened for me. One of the last times this happened to me, we were driving to another city for a special night out I'd booked and paid for. On the way, we ended up falling out over something minor so he turned the car around and told me the relationship was over (again!!), called me nasty names, and then he left me in his place in the middle of nowhere without my car for hours and hours.

That time I spent stewing and waiting for him killed the relationship stone dead. Self preservation kicked in and I knew I couldn't live like this.

The next time he pulled that card, I calmly agreed that the relationship was over.

It took a few weeks, but he started begging me to come back. He still sends gifts and messages to me now trying to get me back!

I called his bluff and no mistake! It feels amazing. That horrible feeling of wondering where is he/when he'll call/why he's not answering/when is he going to do this again is gone. I know he regrets spoiling the relationship but it was his own doing. I'm not a toy to be picked up and played with when I'm in favour.

Thank you for checking in.

@sodthesodoff ha ha, because of the bank holiday I am all over the place too! I got ready for a meeting yesterday which was today!

@Taxiii I haven’t said anything to anyone yet because can’t really talk about it. I do have people thought of need be.

@TheGirlFromTomorrow OMG that’s awful! In your car too! He hasn’t gone that far yet but who knows! It’s soul destroying so well done for saying enough is enough.

So to update, yes he is back, came back this morning but I am not wfh today so it was hello/goodbye. We plan a walk later to talk more & first counselling session next week. I feel numb & I’m not excited for him to be back or even happy.- I feel nothing. I felt awkward this morning when he came in and I was in my underwear.

I have few single friends and we used joke about buying a huge house together and just living a peaceful, man free life!

Yeah it is soul destroying. It's such a massive threat. Like, your entire life is going to change the moment you don't agree on something with them. And the sense of abandonment that your partner no longer wants to be with you because of a difference of opinion feels heartbreaking.

I totally get the numb feeling. I also started to get feelings of disgust towards my ex after so many iterations of it.

It's a shame because I genuinely loved him and I know he didn't want to break up. But he was playing with fire, you know?

It's not at all fun. I really hope he's going to do some grovelling now he's back - fingers crossed.