Page 7 | Fiance said i am #3 in line, behind his business #1 and mother and sister #2

Uktousa2022 · 2023-08-25T14:41:46+00:00

I mean I sort of get it, we are not married yet, and he said the business is #1 because "its going to give us the life we want" - but would you be offended? i was until I said to him, would you want that for your sister, for her partner to put his sister before your sister, and he thought and said it will be different when we are married and go on to have kids of course etc. Just thought it was odd!

Merapi · 27/08/2023 16:29

Sayitaintso33 · 27/08/2023 11:59

The OP is objecting to her partner doing what most MNers encourage women to do - that is put their money/ business etc in front of their prtners.

Show quote history

Are you suggesting that women should be happy to tolerate their partners prioritising their work ahead of the family, and that women should do all the domestic drudgery, so that he can concentrate on providing a 'lifestyle'? What lifestyle? One where Dad is largely absent from their lives? Are you suggesting that women should put their career on hold and take all the responsibility for childcare because his career is more important than hers?

Yes, women should ensure that they could be financially independent if necessary, but how can someone do that if she is expected to allow her partner to prioritise his career over hers? Which is what the OP says here.

Sayitaintso33 · 27/08/2023 21:24

The Op isn't objecting to her DP prioritising his career over her career. She is objecting to him prioritising his career over her (as a person).

I was making the point that MNers tend to take the view that women who are wealthy should not marry their partners. That seems to me very similar to what the OP's DP is saying.

It has nothing to do with childcare, housework or the mental load.

Merapi · 27/08/2023 21:51

The OP doesn't mention that her DP is wealthy or that he is aiming to preserve that wealth. Merely that he feels that his work is more important than she is. The reason he gives for that is so that he can provide this so-called lifestyle. We are debating whether or not this is what the OP wants.

Most people want to work hard and provide a good lifestyle for their families. But they are doing all that for their partner and any kids, because they (and not the job) are the No 1 priority in the person's life. This man appears to have things the opposite way round. He says his job is more important than the OP. Can you really not see that?

Original poster

Uktousa2022 · 29/08/2023 17:14

harerunner · 26/08/2023 08:15

He wants you to think that he's doing it all for you. He isn't. He's doing it because he is determined to succeed in his ambition as the Great Provider.

This. Saying he's prioritising the business to give you the lifestyle you want is particularly insidious in my opinion.

Firstly, it means that if you needs as a partner equate to the lifestyle you supposedly aspire to... he's effectively saying your material desires (big house, nice holidays) come ahead of your emotional and support needs. "Sorry dear, I can't help you with the kids despite the fact you have the flu, or be home in time for an anniversary dinner....I have to work late so we can afford to go on a Maldives holiday next year:"

Secondly, your lifestyle is his lifestyle. He's using your desire for a nice lifestyle as a smokescreen for his desire. His narrative will be.... "He has to work all hours on the business? Well, don't blame him - that's down to your lifestyle aspirations!"

You should be his priority, and his business should be subordinate to that.

Based on what you've written alone, and I'm aware there's more than meets the eye here, You should leave this man - do not marry him!

Thanks. This particular comment hit a nerve because the comment about the emotional needs rings true, he doesn't really request emotional support (shuts off, deals with things quietly) so apparently doesn't expect to give that out, calls me emotional and needy if i do ever request or ask for emotional support. Sometimes because of this it feels like i am pouring from an empty cup, but he says I am trying to change who he is and I am being needy, and he just isn't this emotional guy i want..

OP posts:

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:17

I think the business is different, lots of us would say work is less important than loved ones, but in reality put it first because it's what supports everything else, but I wouldn't consider marrying someone who puts his mother and sister ahead of me. At least you know. How he feels won't change because you marry, this is as good as it gets in terms of his devotion to you!

Original poster

Uktousa2022 · 29/08/2023 17:23

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:17

I think the business is different, lots of us would say work is less important than loved ones, but in reality put it first because it's what supports everything else, but I wouldn't consider marrying someone who puts his mother and sister ahead of me. At least you know. How he feels won't change because you marry, this is as good as it gets in terms of his devotion to you!

He said I would be before the mother and sister once we marry! - not sure I believe it.

OP posts:

NamaraMc · 29/08/2023 17:25

Uktousa2022 · 25/08/2023 15:46

Yes he is. But don't you think blood is thicker than water if we are not married yet? although i sort of think a true man would put his partner first.

Show quote history

I don't think it's about blood is thicker than water. It's about an emotional attachment. You'll never be his blood. But his emotional attachment should be stronger to you. A mature adult in a mature relationship, married or not, should be primarily attached to their partner.
It doesn't mean he loves his mother/sister less, but it's a different love.
My husband is devoted to his mam but I'm the centre of his world, (well our family,we have kids at this stage).
It's normal, healthy and a natural life stage that your partner trump's your family of origin in importance.

In saying all that, men are ridiculous and often say things without having really thought about it and don't think about it after. You could say to him you were thinking about it and it has been playing on your mind. See what he says.
In most people's lives they can manage all the important relationships without there needing to be a conflict. So it doesn't necessarily need to be a red flag or anything.
The value he places on work would be something to talk about, does he work to live or live to work ...

These are all good conversations to have before the wedding day, it's hitting on big life values, money family, lifestyle, relationship expectations, that need to align between you to feel ye are building a life together you are both happy with

Bookworm20 · 29/08/2023 17:36

He said I would be before the mother and sister once we marry! - not sure I believe it.

What a load of bollocks. You should already be before them! You are the woman he has chosen to marry, the person he loves above anything else in his life. Well - except the business, the dog and his female family members according to him.

Apparently a piece of paper suddenly shoots you up the ladder somewhat. Sorry, but no. How can he say his feelings of where you are in the pecking order are going to instantly change the minute you walk down the aisle?
They won't. All that will happen is he will then see you as his possession and if you don't tow the line with his mother, you'll be the 'one in the wrong', the one 'not making the effort', the one who 'knew what his mother was like'.

If you do not come above every single thing in his life right now - that is not going to change just because he sticks a second ring on your finger.

Sorry but if I were you i'd be running for the bloody hills.

You deserve to be someones absolute number 1.
Don't accept anyone telling you different.

Escapingafter50years · 29/08/2023 19:08

His mother's job was to bring up an independent man who would love and respect his future wife.

She has failed miserably, instead she has raised an insensitive fool who is emphasising what his material success might do for your lives & has no understanding of the importance of love and respect in a marriage or engagement.

Imagine a future with someone who respects you, listens to you, cares about you and isn't afraid to let you know their feelings. Your fiancé is not that someone. Please raise your bar, counselling may help you to see why you are selling yourself short.

FrogandToadAreFriends · 29/08/2023 19:32

Are you the poster who's fiance wants you to have traditional gender roles but he still wants you to work?

FrogandToadAreFriends · 29/08/2023 19:42

Have you decided if you're going to move to the US? It really sounds like he doesn't care for you much and you shouldn't move away from your friends, family, and job.

Katmai · 29/08/2023 20:01

Uktousa2022 · 29/08/2023 17:23

He said I would be before the mother and sister once we marry! - not sure I believe it.

Show quote history

I'm not sure I believe it either. Surely the love he has for you, his partner, is necessarily entirely different from the love he has for his parent and sibling?

Ahwhatthehell · 29/08/2023 20:07

Every time you need his support, he’ll be too busy with work. Every time you complain he’ll tell you ‘but…but… I’m doing it for you!’
He wont be. It’s for his own ego and to show mother what a great boy he is.
She’ll then think you’re a cow to be demanding anything of her precious boy. You’ll be unsupported at every turn

Seriously op, think about how the future looks.

ConcussedPigeon · 29/08/2023 20:44

Almost 30 years ago my then boyfriend told me my place in the pecking order - beneath fags, booze, his football team…

I married him as my self esteem was shit. I’m still here. Please don’t be me.

Original poster

Uktousa2022 · 29/08/2023 23:16

Escapingafter50years · 29/08/2023 19:08

His mother's job was to bring up an independent man who would love and respect his future wife.

She has failed miserably, instead she has raised an insensitive fool who is emphasising what his material success might do for your lives & has no understanding of the importance of love and respect in a marriage or engagement.

Imagine a future with someone who respects you, listens to you, cares about you and isn't afraid to let you know their feelings. Your fiancé is not that someone. Please raise your bar, counselling may help you to see why you are selling yourself short.

Some narcissistic mothers do this on purpose so there son requires the mother forever.

OP posts:

Original poster

Uktousa2022 · 29/08/2023 23:18

NamaraMc · 29/08/2023 17:25

I don't think it's about blood is thicker than water. It's about an emotional attachment. You'll never be his blood. But his emotional attachment should be stronger to you. A mature adult in a mature relationship, married or not, should be primarily attached to their partner.
It doesn't mean he loves his mother/sister less, but it's a different love.
My husband is devoted to his mam but I'm the centre of his world, (well our family,we have kids at this stage).
It's normal, healthy and a natural life stage that your partner trump's your family of origin in importance.

In saying all that, men are ridiculous and often say things without having really thought about it and don't think about it after. You could say to him you were thinking about it and it has been playing on your mind. See what he says.
In most people's lives they can manage all the important relationships without there needing to be a conflict. So it doesn't necessarily need to be a red flag or anything.
The value he places on work would be something to talk about, does he work to live or live to work ...

These are all good conversations to have before the wedding day, it's hitting on big life values, money family, lifestyle, relationship expectations, that need to align between you to feel ye are building a life together you are both happy with

Show quote history

thanks. Good advice. He says he lives to work now and thinks he will retire at 40 (he is 29)… he does still enjoy friends etc on the weekends and works 5 days so, not a Workaholic in my eyes etc.
everytime I try to have deep conversations with him about our values they never go anywhere because he says am I really talking about that stuff again etc. sort of rolls his eyes like I’m being ridiculous.

OP posts:

Escapingafter50years · 30/08/2023 00:50

Uktousa2022 · 29/08/2023 23:16

Some narcissistic mothers do this on purpose so there son requires the mother forever.

Show quote history

"You are right that he expects me to put him first, like I am pouring from am empty cup." One rule for him, another for you. It will always be this way.

He calls you "emotional and needy". The man who "wants" to spend the rest of his life with you?!

Neither him nor your future MIL can/will cut the apron strings.

Entering into marriage with this man will be entering a lifelong battle. The chances of you "winning", whatever that might look like, are very slim as Mummy has programmed him all his life to put her first.

Why are you prepared to settle for so little? What has happened to you that you feel you could accept being "less than" for the man you are supposedly tying the rest of your life to? Do you want to have children who grow up thinking this is as good as it gets?

ScottishIceCream · 30/08/2023 03:04

calls me emotional and needy if i do ever request or ask for emotional support.

And

he says am I really talking about that stuff again etc. sort of rolls his eyes like I’m being ridiculous.

OP, please listen to what you're telling us here.

Give the ring back and move on from this shallow, insensitive, thoughtless person.

Then work on raising your standards, you're accepting so little!

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 15:44

@Uktousa2022

If you don't find conversations or responses satisfactory then you know that you are not compatible.
He is not necessarily right or wrong in his views, but he is absolutely wrong for you.

You have the answer now it is up to you to accept and act upon it. If you choose to stay in the relationship you are knowingly and willingly choosing a path to unhappiness for both of you.

Find a partner whose views and priorities are consistent with yours and free him up to do the same.

You don't find a partner to mold him or her into the person that you wish them to be. You find a partner who is the person that you want them to be. You are not a carpenter seeking a project. You are a woman seeking a compatible partner.

aloris · 30/08/2023 15:54

This is what I said to him, in order to make the relationship work I have to relocate and possibly effect my job, so I said oh nice your job comes before me but my job ill have to give up for you, and he said but his job will provide us the lifestyle and life we have etc."

I think the problem is that his job will create the lifestyle HE wants. What you want out of the lifestyle will carry no weight. You'll only have a say to the extent that your wants and needs align with his. If you are unhappy, it will carry no weight. It will all be about what makes HIM happy. I am speculating but I think I am right. Coming after his mum, sister, and actually the dog too, is not good.

Merapi · 30/08/2023 16:02

Uktousa2022 · 29/08/2023 23:18

thanks. Good advice. He says he lives to work now and thinks he will retire at 40 (he is 29)… he does still enjoy friends etc on the weekends and works 5 days so, not a Workaholic in my eyes etc.
everytime I try to have deep conversations with him about our values they never go anywhere because he says am I really talking about that stuff again etc. sort of rolls his eyes like I’m being ridiculous.

Show quote history

So he lives to work but still manages to find time for his friends. Oh. He puts spending time with his friends before you as well? You're even further down the list than you thought.

Come on OP - it really is time to make your mind up, isn't it?