Fiance said i am #3 in line, behind his business #1 and mother and sister #2

[Uktousa2022]

I mean I sort of get it, we are not married yet, and he said the business is #1 because "its going to give us the life we want" - but would you be offended?

i was until I said to him, would you want that for your sister, for her partner to put his sister before your sister, and he thought and said it will be different when we are married and go on to have kids of course etc. Just thought it was odd!

how long have you seen each other for and how serious is the relationship.

The part about the business for the lifestyle for you is nonsense.

He'd still be doing the business whether you're around or not.

He sounds like a selfish twat.

I married DH because he was the first person to ever put me first.
He won't suddenly cherish you more because you have a marriage certificate.

Heis telling you where you are and what he thinks of you. ID be listening carefully and then making my plans

Your advice is dreadful! Sticking your head in the sand and pretending he never said these things is the worst thing the OP could do!

🤣

He wants you to think that he's doing it all for you. He isn't. He's doing it because he is determined to succeed in his ambition as the Great Provider.

This. Saying he's prioritising the business to give you the lifestyle you want is particularly insidious in my opinion.

Firstly, it means that if you needs as a partner equate to the lifestyle you supposedly aspire to... he's effectively saying your material desires (big house, nice holidays) come ahead of your emotional and support needs. "Sorry dear, I can't help you with the kids despite the fact you have the flu, or be home in time for an anniversary dinner....I have to work late so we can afford to go on a Maldives holiday next year:"

Secondly, your lifestyle is his lifestyle. He's using your desire for a nice lifestyle as a smokescreen for his desire. His narrative will be.... "He has to work all hours on the business? Well, don't blame him - that's down to your lifestyle aspirations!"

You should be his priority, and his business should be subordinate to that.

Based on what you've written alone, and I'm aware there's more than meets the eye here, You should leave this man - do not marry him!

Sorry that sentence meant to say:

Firstly, it means that your needs as a partner equate to the lifestyle you supposedly aspire to...

He wants you to think that he's doing it all for you. He isn't. He's doing it because he is determined to succeed in his ambition as the Great Provider.

Another thought on this.

I've seen adult children tell their fathers that they were never there for them, missed birthdays and special occasions, always working and away. The response of the father was "Hoe dare you. I was never around as a dad because I was working hard for you - you'd never have been on those skiing trips or gone to that fancy private school otherwise"....without seeing the glaringly obvious irony!

Any person who prioritises making money and thinks unnecessary luxury material things are more important than time, care and attention, is someone to avoid at all costs!

Nope nope nope! My ex BF said something very similar...if his family, kids and me were all in a room then I would be bottom of the priority order. It was such a strange thing to say and all we were talking about was how to spend more time together.
Couldn't get it out of ny head, despite his apology.

I agree with a previous poster who said save yourself years of misery and get out of this now. He has an awful mother, an awful dog and he puts everybody else in front of you. When you have children you'll be pushed behind them as well. Also, if you are so far down the league, why would he need to be faithful to you? He has no respect for you. His mother has no respect for you. Even the dog doesn't have respect for you! Get out now while you can.

And bear in mind, his time will be spent at work, but his money will be going to his mother.

So does the pecking order change every time you get a new partner?

I many people will have had the top spot in one person's life. Assuming that these are adults and not teenagers, I would think that they have likely had 2 or 3 relationships where they identified someone as their partner. I would only want to be with someone who had the capacity to love sufficiently all of the significant people in his life.

This who he loves more reminds me of my kids at about age 7 asking "mom, who do you love more? Do you love me or my brother more?" That is fine when you are 7 years old. Our response was always " mom and dad have enough love for all of you. "

I could not live with an adult whose emotional maturity was comparable to that of my 7 year old child. What mature adult is looking for the love yardstick or tape measure? We should all want to be loved enough to be happy and comfortable in our relationship. Exactly where does that fall on the love tape measure?

If the life YOU want is being low on his lost of priorities, then marry him... As one PP said, you'll be on the AIBU threads soon with m-i-l/s-i-l aggravation

That's not the actual saying at all.

Well you can't say it wasn't spelt out to you.

You are walking into one miserable life and moving away and isolating yourself to do so.

You must be absolutely desperate for any man to settle for this loser.

His mother will make your life hell as she asserts her status and he will love the two of you making twats of yourselves vying for his attention and support.

You'll be forever on the back foot with him.

But at least you are going into the situation with your eyes open I guess.

I remember my husband saying to me that his family will always be more important than me, we were married and had our first child then, still don't know if he meant our daughter also, he couldn't quite understand where I was coming from when I said when you have your own family they should be no1. Married now 20 years and on the verge of divorce which I realise now should have happened a long time ago, I plodded on bringing up the kids now the youngest is 14 and doesn't need me so much and I'm the loneliest I've ever been, feels like I've wasted the last 10 years of my life. please be 100% before committing I don't know your relationship but don't settle for an easy life, my sister told me I didn't have to marry him and I wish I had listened to her, only part I don't regret are my kids.
It's harder to leave after all these years I chicken out everyday😪 (there is alot more wrong with my marriage so this isn't a deciding factor) if he doesn't put you 1st now will he ever?

@Uktousa2022
So many things mixed up in this.
And i do get the young love’s romantic desire of being the most important person in your loved one’s life.
However - with benefit of age - I also see a deeper perspective.

Blood matters. You may think HE is your number 1 - but that is because you don’t have kids. And because you are in the ‘in love’ phase of your romantic relationship.

With time - your relationship with a partner does deepen. Marriage and kids - and life experiences do strengthen it all.
So - he was just being rational and objective about it all.

These are silly hypotheticals that one shouldn't really talk about, or ‘be honest’, or be upset about. But we do.
I had one of my own - where i asked a similarly stupid question to a bf i was deeply in love with. He was stupid enough to give me some rational answer that crushed me at the time. And it probably affected our relationship.
When we met up and chatted years later - both of us remembered it. And we laughed at how stupid we were at the time.
Me - insecure and him too literal.

You deserve so much better than this.

He was stupid to say it, but MN advice to wealthy women is not to marry. So MN agrees with him about lifestyle.
But his mother and sister, that is extraordinary - unless he is making the point that family comes first and until you marry you are not family. I typed this before I read your updates. So I might have got this right.

I hope your DP isn't in public relations. He seems to be honest, if self-destructively so.

I'm not sure I agree with you when you say that MN agrees with him about lifestyle. There are endless threads on here from women whose DH/DP spends all his time and energy on work, and has no time or inclination for family life. The general concensus on this topic is that he should put his family first.

The general consensus is wealthy woman shouldn't share her money with her husband.
To me, that is lifestyle. What you are talking about is life. Men are certainly expected to play their part in that.

I still don't see how this has any relevance to the OP's situation.

The OP is objecting to her partner doing what most MNers encourage women to do - that is put their money/ business etc in front of their prtners.

My advice....run.
You'll always be Number 3.

Run for the hills and don't look back.