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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance said i am #3 in line, behind his business #1 and mother and sister #2

171 replies

Uktousa2022 · 25/08/2023 15:41

I mean I sort of get it, we are not married yet, and he said the business is #1 because "its going to give us the life we want" - but would you be offended?

i was until I said to him, would you want that for your sister, for her partner to put his sister before your sister, and he thought and said it will be different when we are married and go on to have kids of course etc. Just thought it was odd!

OP posts:
AmyandPhilipfan · 25/08/2023 15:59

I remember being at a party with my SIL's then boyfriend. He refused to dance with her but would with his sisters. I thought it was really weird. She ended up marrying him but eventually she saw him for the horrible person he is and split up with him. But if I were you I would definitely be seeing that as a red flag.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 25/08/2023 16:00

TomatoSandwiches · 25/08/2023 15:57

I think he let it slip by mistake judging by the BS about her position ( 🤮 ) changing after marriage.

You will never be a priority to him op, he will never put you on top.

Show quote history

Maybe - why propose then?

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 25/08/2023 16:01

Because he wants it all!

MysteryBelle · 25/08/2023 16:01

If he’s planning on marrying you then you must be his #1 now.

Valerie23 · 25/08/2023 16:02

Don't marry him.

Don't have a child with him.

He will always put the mum and sisters wishes before yours.

Felixmyicecreamillbashim · 25/08/2023 16:02

Nope.
Fuck that shit!

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 25/08/2023 16:02

Merapi · 25/08/2023 15:52

There you are then. This is your life as I see it:

He is expecting you to put him first, then his business and the support it needs to create the lifestyle he wants, then his relatives, with yourself last. Give it a few years, and you'll have to insert children and housekeeping into that list ahead of you as well.

He might say his priorities towards his mother and sister will change once you're married, but I bet they won't be at all that thrilled with him if he bumps them down the list.

Give him his ring back.

I don't think the sister gives AF. The (single) mum definitely does. I know she felt weird when he proposed because "she was used to always being number one woman in his life" he said. I mean can I really expect him to put me before his own mother at this point? I don't know. I know some of my ex's did and we were not married. You are right that he expects me to put him first, like I am pouring from am empty cup.

OP posts:
Merapi · 25/08/2023 16:03

Why propose? It's the done thing, and besides, there's one thing his mother can't provide him with.

LovelyDaaling · 25/08/2023 16:03

What happened to the 'forsaking all others' bit of committing to marriage?
My mum used to remind me of that vow when she thought I shouldn't help her so much (she was a darling) because it was taking shared time away from my husband.
Husband/wife has to come first.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 25/08/2023 16:04

Merapi · 25/08/2023 15:52

There you are then. This is your life as I see it:

He is expecting you to put him first, then his business and the support it needs to create the lifestyle he wants, then his relatives, with yourself last. Give it a few years, and you'll have to insert children and housekeeping into that list ahead of you as well.

He might say his priorities towards his mother and sister will change once you're married, but I bet they won't be at all that thrilled with him if he bumps them down the list.

Give him his ring back.

Sorry I meant he said the business is first because its going to give ME the Life i want (as in the life i want, making me think hes working for me)

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 25/08/2023 16:05

My DH put me first from the moment we met, still does.
Dont settle for anything less

Littlemissprosecco · 25/08/2023 16:05

My DH runs a business, I still come first!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/08/2023 16:05

Oh dear He's putting you in the picture that he can treat you like an option
You should be No 1( before DC)
How does he treat you, and how is your self esteem?

TomatoSandwiches · 25/08/2023 16:07

Uktousa2022 · 25/08/2023 16:00

Maybe - why propose then?

Show quote history

Because you probably display qualities a man like him values unfortunately and that's not a slight on you at all.

I'm sure he expects far more from you than he willingly gives you, I'm sure this is not an equal standing relationship.

How old are you both? Do you share the same culture? How does he treat you in general and how has he treated you when things have been difficult?

abbey44 · 25/08/2023 16:08

His mother is used to being the number one woman in his life?

Run. I was married to one of these men (first husband) and it was….challenging, to say the least. Sometimes literally. After fourteen months he was back at home, living with her again and we divorced. Bullet dodged. He only remarried recently, 35 years later, and after his mother died.

Life is hard enough without having to deal with this level of shit.

OnGoldenPond · 25/08/2023 16:08

My school friend was engaged to a guy when he graduated from university. She was really keen to go to the ceremony and he was allocated three guest spaces so should have been room for his parents and her. No problem you would have thought.

However he asked his sister to go and told my friend she couldn't go. His sister didn't even want to go.

She ended the relationship and has never regretted it.

CheshireCats · 25/08/2023 16:08

Jeez op, I would not marry anyone who put work (their business) before me, let alone work, his Mum and his sister before me!
Seriously, you need to bin him off sharpish.

ImABox · 25/08/2023 16:10

That’s fucked up. His mother was upset he got engaged?

OP he’s grooming you to know your place and keep sweet and serve him and his mum and your lying down and taking it

longlostauthor · 25/08/2023 16:13

honestly, this is such a useful thing to know now, before you marry. His mother will likely ruin your marriage and your life together. Don’t do it OP. Run!!

Crucible · 25/08/2023 16:14

Regardless of anything about your position in his list in the first place (many many wise mumsnetters have already advised and many more will come), I would absolutely not in a million years be involved with, or indeed marry someone who listed humans he is meant to love and care for in order. That is fundamentally wrong. This speaks more about his entire approach to life than anything else.

SlightlyTooSuburban · 25/08/2023 16:15

You deserve someone who puts you first. You should come first without thinking. You are planning to marry so the distinction between fiance/wife seems irrelevant.

The only explanation I can think of for him reasoning that his mother/sister currently come first would be if you two aren't living together yet and are waiting to move in once you're married? Are you from a cultural background where you live with extended family and therefore you'll be moving in with him and his family? If so, his mother and sister might always be his priority and you need to decide if that is something you can live with.

BUT regardless of the above (possible) explanation, his attitude does not sound compatible with a happy, long-lasting marriage. It is VERY ODD that he was so blunt with you and felt it was ok to tell you how low down in his priorities you are.

Whatever the circumstances, however you see yourself, you deserve better than this.

I would run a mile.

mondaytosunday · 25/08/2023 16:17

My husband definitely put me and his kids above his family. He was pretty much married to his job too but if it came to a choice he'd have picked us. He went through a tough patch and I always said that I didn't care about his (very high paying) job and we could always downsize and move to a much cheaper area if he just wanted out. And while his ambition kept him in the job he always made an effort to keep weekends free and family first.
This was true early on, he didn't need to wait until our relationship was legal.

Wintersgirl · 25/08/2023 16:17

she is used to being number one woman in his life and its a big adjustment for her...

Run for the fucking hills.....

WrylyAmused · 25/08/2023 16:19

@Uktousa2022 Why propose?

Because everyone grows up with a different set of ideas about what marriage means to them. The ideas come primarily from what they saw in their own family, then from life experiences and things they've learnt.

But we rarely discuss them, so we tend to go into relationships assuming that our partners have the same ideas about many important things.
What marriage means, roles in it, importance of wider family, religions, how to share money etc. Whether your partner or your future children, or some -one or -thing else should come first....

He's already proposed. He's therefore planning, I assume, to marry you. What do you think will magically change after you've said the words that would make you come first then if you didn't now?
Surely when he decided to propose would have been the point that he thought "yes, she's the one I want to come first for the rest of my life"?

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 25/08/2023 16:19

And now that he has told you, you can never complain about it in the future

”I told you before we married that mum/work/sister comes first”

Run

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