Fiance said i am #3 in line, behind his business #1 and mother and sister #2

[Uktousa2022]

I mean I sort of get it, we are not married yet, and he said the business is #1 because "its going to give us the life we want" - but would you be offended?

i was until I said to him, would you want that for your sister, for her partner to put his sister before your sister, and he thought and said it will be different when we are married and go on to have kids of course etc. Just thought it was odd!

I'm going to go against the grain here. When I married my DH, nearly 50 years ago, I was madly in love but I would still have put my Mum first. She was an amazing Mum, we'd always been very close and I was used to putting her first. Over the years, and as the DC came along, my feelings evolved and gradually I realised I would definitely put my DH first. I don't think, at this point in your relationship, that it's a dealbreaker.

Might be worth having a chat when he's not been drinking to clarify what he meant, maybe didn't quite explain what he meant.

So what is the life you want?

Do you want him to spend all his time on the business because its going to give you the lifestyle he thinks you want? I've read this so many times on MN - the man has spent years providing a lifestyle for his family, and the woman has got to the point where she's had enough because all his time and attention goes on work and not her and the kids.

He wants you to think that he's doing it all for you. He isn't. He's doing it because he is determined to succeed in his ambition as the Great Provider.

@Uktousa2022 just so long as you are happy to be his slave and wait on him hand and foot whilst he is either working on his business or "too tired from working" to do the chores then crack on and marry him. You do know that absolutely everything - birthdays, kids, holidays will be sacrificed on the altar of his career dont you? and what about your job and what you might want out of life? well his view will be that that doesnt even make his top 10. What an absolute knob he is for saying this. And you asked why he proposed? well so he could have "the sort of life with a family that I want" can you not see the thread of selfishness running throughout this OP?

Well, you can't say you weren't warned OP.
He's told you exactly how it is and no, it won't change when you get married.
It's up to you whether you are prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life or until the inevitable divorce

You probably asked him because you subconsciously knew his answer anyway. Follow the maxim, "if someone tells you what they are, believe them." Because he's told you loud and clear.

If you want the truth OP; I'm not even engaged yet but DP and I would put each other over family. Because we are each others family now. Rings and paper are items. They don't push your mindset the way he thinks they will.

Anyone who says the sentence 'xyz will change once we're married' is delusional. Many a man and woman have messed up a partners life by exclaiming how their mindsets will change to fit their partners once vows have been read or a baby has been had.

You enter a marriage on the basis of already being married emotionally. Its a stupid as people thinking getting married instantly matures a man.

Basically you were number 3 from the moment you were dating. Becoming a serious couple and then getting engaged hasn't actually changed anything at all for him. Just think about that. You're just exclusive. That's all.

I cant actually believe you're still going to marry someone and tie yourself to someone who actually hasn't proven that you're their ride or die yet!

I once dated a guy who told me I was number two, after himself

It did not end well

This is quite a sad post to read. I'd be really hurt if my boyfriend said that to me.

I've had a few boyfriends in my time and I always and I mean ALWAYS insist on coming first. OK, if a man has kids then the kids come first - I totally get get that. But after kids, it's me.

I'd be running out the door .. if this is him
Before your married it be worse when you are ..Run

If you were his girlfriend of a few months sure. But you're his fiance! What does he think will magically happen on wedding day that moves you up the pecking order? He proposed to you, he commited to marriage. At the point you have decided to spend the rest of your life with someone they should be top. It's knowing they're top that is a pretty big flashing sign of damn I want to be with this person forever and results in proposal.

He wouldn't like his sisters partner putting others before her. He wouldn't like you putting people before him. I'd sit him down and given that ask him why the hell you should accept being third place when he wouldn't accept it.

He's shown who he is, money 1st, mummy 2nd, you 3rd. Maybe 4th when you have kids. A marriage is a partnership. People move countries, change jobs, miss out on oppertunities for the good of that partnership. Based on his priorities he wouldn't do that for you but expect you to do it for him. I'd have a long hard think about marrying him.

Why propose?

Does he like having sex? Does he need two incomes to be able to purchase a property? Are you quite attractive and sensible with a good job?

There's your answer.

Of dear god girl. Save yourself years of misery and get out now. This is not a healthy family unit to be joining and all the issues will be your fault.

Mother is a narcissist. son has tendencies and a superiority complex.

Ask yourself - who is behind you in this list? No-one.

Get out.

A very wise woman once told me "A woman marries a man expecting him to change. A man marries a woman expecting her to stay the same. Both get disappointed".

He's not going to change and he expects you NOT to change, but you will. You'll expect that you and any children you have will be his first priority.

He may say "You're now #1" but his actions won't bear that out, especially when he starts getting pressure, either with the business or with his family. With the business you'll be expected to 'adapt' or 'stand by' because "he's doing it all for YOU". With his family it will be 'you married me, they're now your family too. We have to support them'.

Good luck with that! If I were you, I'd be gone.

Just another boy who has never grown up and severed the apron strings from mummy.
It won't change once you get married because not only will you have a husband but also be married to mummy and possibly his sister.

Cut & run op now.

His business will completely dominate your life together even if married and kids.

Please heed this red flag now, before you end up in a bad position later on in your life.

@YoBeaches summed it up nicely.

@YoBeaches your goin to laugh - but he said the dog is after me. I have actually asked him to rehome his aggressive dog for me, and he pretty much refuses, so, its likely I am behind the dog? I do wonder whether the mum has narcisstic qualities, the dad was an alcoholic and she is single, I think she fell a lot onto her kids, probably no fault of his own, but he was learnt from a young age to be THE MAN of the household, which probably explains the superiority complex

@YoBeaches your goin to laugh - but he said the dog is after me. I have actually asked him to rehome his aggressive dog for me, and he pretty much refuses, so, its likely I am behind the dog? I do wonder whether the mum has narcisstic qualities, the dad was an alcoholic and she is single, I think she fell a lot onto her kids, probably no fault of his own, but he was learnt from a young age to be THE MAN of the household, which probably explains the superiority complex

This is what I said to him, in order to make the relationship work I have to relocate and possibly effect my job, so I said oh nice your job comes before me but my job ill have to give up for you, and he said but his job will provide us the lifestyle and life we have etc.

Don’t be so naive, getting married isn’t going to change the order

in any long standing relationship you should certainly come before his mother and sister anyway, married or not

am in two minds about the business coming first as well

Just be prepared if you go ahead for him to stand by his mother and sister over you, all the time

This is one of those ridiculous scenarios where you imagine who you would pull out of a burning house first. No one is ever going to enjoy the answer. Or if they still love their ex. I suggest you never ask that question.

my advice is forget it ever happened.

Sorry, but this is just weird. Your mother is your mother, she's not a 'woman in your life'. Each relationship you have is different. Most obviously your partner is romantic/sexual. Your mother/sister is not. I would run a mile.

@Uktousa2022 when my dh proposed we chose an engagement ring together and it had to be altered.
When dh got home from the jewellers his dm asked to see the ring before he brought it to my house.
Dh said no, not until I was wearing it, he put me first because at that point we were going to be forging out our lives together and I was the most important person in his life.
You should now be no.1 in your fiancés life.

^^This
Ffs don’t marry him. My H told me after we’d married that I would never be first in his life; I should have left him then and there. I didn’t and I never will come first. Stupid, stupid me 🤬