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Original poster

41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

433 replies

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
ignoringthechoc · 24/08/2023 22:23

Firstly congratulations that's amazing and whatever happens if the baby is wanted you will make it work. As for when to tell him I'm rubbish at keeping secrets so would have blurted it out already, but others may have better thought through ideas. Essentially if he's a good person he might be shocked but will discuss it and work towards an outcome you can both commit to however that looks. If he's not he may just walk away in which case you will have had a lucky escape.
Best wishes for the next chapter x

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

Zanatdy · 24/08/2023 22:26

I’d just text him (wimp I know), I mean he know you had unprotected sex, it’s always a possibility. Good luck, I don’t blame you for going ahead regardless

Zanatdy · 24/08/2023 22:28

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

And you’ll run the risk of your child being furious when they eventually find out and know you’ve denied them a relationship with a parent. He deserves to know. The child deserves their father to know. Whatever decision he makes is on him, but I’d never leave myself open to being accused of parent alienation

BlastedSkreet · 24/08/2023 22:28

I think I wouldn’t tell him. Keep whatever details you can so that your child can contact him if they want to later on.

Congratulations!

AreWeThereYet69 · 24/08/2023 22:30

Congratulations! First and foremost look after yourself.
I'd tell him ASAP, preferably face to face.
You both took a chance and had unprotected sex. You're not more culpable than he is.

Duchessofspace · 24/08/2023 22:32

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

Sadly I think this.

move away and do it alone

move somewhere you’ve always wanted to - or with support. Cut contact and raise the child alone

RantyAnty · 24/08/2023 22:32

Congratulations!!

Sounds like the guy you had tried to conceive with had issues with fertility.

I'd probably not tell him.

Veryverycalmnow · 24/08/2023 22:33

Are you meeting up regularly or do you see any potential for getting to know each other better etc? Congratulations!

Duchessofspace · 24/08/2023 22:34

Zanatdy · 24/08/2023 22:28

And you’ll run the risk of your child being furious when they eventually find out and know you’ve denied them a relationship with a parent. He deserves to know. The child deserves their father to know. Whatever decision he makes is on him, but I’d never leave myself open to being accused of parent alienation

Show quote history

Bollocks. It sounds like it a one night stand or fwb - he doesn’t want a child. I was married and lost 50% of my child even though the baby was a year old to start with

sort yourself out first

CointreauVersial · 24/08/2023 22:34

Congratulations! I would wait until after the first scan, so you are past the riskiest stage, but you absolutely do need to tell him. He is fathering a child. I think it's too important to hear over the phone.

How much involvement he has ongoing is up to you both to negotiate.

GuinnessBird · 24/08/2023 22:35

I advise not telling him, he may think that you have tried to trap him.

Scottishskifun · 24/08/2023 22:35

Crikey can't believe the don't tell him at all!
Personally if I was in that situation I would tell them but probably once I was past first scan (as its also a dating element).
I would also say its a lot to get his head around and that's OK and give him space to process but you will be proceeding either way and don't hold any expectations.

Original poster
Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:35

I really appreciate the positive and helpful replies received so far. Thanks so much. I half expected to get completely torn to pieces for having unprotected sex. I know it was reckless and foolish but I honestly never thought it was possible for me to get pregnant given the reasons outlined. I actually had been really depressed for a couple of years and just assumed it would never happen for me, We have used a condom since of course but it only took the one time which in itself is absolutely crazy but amazing!

I am not sure if I want to tell him right now as I am just more concerned with keeping stress levels as low as possible and trying to keep this pregnancy safe.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 24/08/2023 22:38

I'd give yourself some time. Try and find out as much as you can about this man before you tell him. If you find out anything that gives you a red flag, think very carefully.

You don't know him at all. It's a big risk.

Jk987 · 24/08/2023 22:41

Definitely tell him as the child has a right to have him involved. Just because he doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean he won't want to be a father.

WhiteNoise91 · 24/08/2023 22:42

Whilst I agree that children need fathers, I also would not want to share my child with a man I didn’t know. Don’t get me wrong he could be a wonderful father, but he could also be the complete opposite, and there’s no way I would be sending my child off every weekend to a man I barely know.

so no, I wouldn’t tell him.

Original poster
Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:42

For the poster that asked if we are meeting up regularly… we currently see each other once a week or so. When he said he didn’t want a relationship I actually thought about that and decided that at the minute I didn’t want a relationship either and would just like to enjoy his company. So nobody was using anybody for sex- it has been a mutual agreement. We have a really nice time together and it isn’t just sex but there are or were no expectations on either side.

My last relationship ended messily a couple of years ago with some DV involved and I am still not in the right head space to have a full on and full-time relationship. Once a week suits me for now. Well, it did anyway!! Still in shock although I am determined to do my very best for my child. It certainly won’t go without even if he doesn’t want to be involved.

OP posts:
TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:43

Zanatdy · 24/08/2023 22:28

And you’ll run the risk of your child being furious when they eventually find out and know you’ve denied them a relationship with a parent. He deserves to know. The child deserves their father to know. Whatever decision he makes is on him, but I’d never leave myself open to being accused of parent alienation

Show quote history

I’d take that risk and explain it to my child once it’s older, rather than packing them off whilst still a baby every other weekend and half the holidays … with a stranger! Nope!

Boysmum92 · 24/08/2023 22:43

i cant beleive all of these people telling you not to tell him! ofcourse tell him!
i agree with putting it off for a little while untill your first scan to keep your stress levels down though.
look after yourself and congratulations!

HelpaFriend85 · 24/08/2023 22:44

Congrats!
tell him!
tell the Drs, get an STD test
Take a good pregnancy vitamin

SapphosRock · 24/08/2023 22:44

Congratulations!

I'm surprised at the number of people saying don't tell him. You need to tell him, I think after the 12 week scan would be a good idea and a F2F conversation.

Do you have a good support network of family and friends?

From what the OP has said it seems unlikely this man is going to want shared custody but he should have the opportunity to know his child and vice versa.

NotABeliever · 24/08/2023 22:45

SapphosRock · 24/08/2023 22:44

Congratulations!

I'm surprised at the number of people saying don't tell him. You need to tell him, I think after the 12 week scan would be a good idea and a F2F conversation.

Do you have a good support network of family and friends?

From what the OP has said it seems unlikely this man is going to want shared custody but he should have the opportunity to know his child and vice versa.

Agree 100%

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:46

I should have also congratulated you OP, what amazing news after you struggled for so long , shocking but amazing! Enjoy your pregnancy 😊

EmilyBrontesGhost · 24/08/2023 22:47

You're still seeing this man OP, so obviously have a friendly enough relationship with him.

So you have to tell him.

He has a right to know, and your baby deserves to know who their father is.

If he was a shit then maybe that would be different, but clearly that's not the case, you haven't said anything negative about him.

Congrats BTW this clearly means a lot to you, and I wish you and your baby well x