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Original poster

41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

433 replies

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Dillane · 25/08/2023 00:34

Maryjaneslastdance · 24/08/2023 23:17

Really? she had no problem letting an almost stranger impregnate her. (Not judging you op, just this idiot)

Father's have rights also..

Congrats op!

Edited
Show quote history

Misogynistic crap

Justwondering36 · 25/08/2023 01:17

I know someone who had a child in a similar set of circumstances. He was newly divorced and had a brief fling with a woman who had had years of infertility and they used condoms. The woman told him she was a pregnant, asked how much he wanted to be involved and they share custody 50:50. Although it was less when the child was younger being breastfed etc.

From what I can tell they have a very successful co-parent relationship, much better than the relationship he has with his ex-wife after an acrimonious divorce and custody hearing - he has that child 50:50 as well.

I guess it depends on the personalities involved but just to say it can work well!

toadasoda · 25/08/2023 01:20

Congratulations OP!! Very best of luck to you.

Honestly, I am rather dumbfounded that anyone would even consider not telling a man in this situation. Waiting a few weeks is fair enough though. The idea that you could callously rob a person of their relationship with their child is so cold hearted. And to rob a child of a relationship with their parent is as bad, in my mind your very first act as a mother would be a betrayal of your child.

Onlylonelyontheinside · 25/08/2023 01:27

Yeah, you should definitely tell him and it sounds like you both could work it out… congratulations and good luck

TheCyclingGorilla · 25/08/2023 06:31

I'd tell him because I'd feel rotten if I didn't. I'd feel I was being dishonest to the dad and to my child. Best to get it all out in the open so that he can decide how he wants to be involved, if at all.

Gooseysgirl · 25/08/2023 06:35

Absolutely tell him.

Goldencup · 25/08/2023 06:38

shieldmaiden7 · 24/08/2023 23:12

I personally wouldn't tell him. I know that's frowned upon and you're child will grow up without a biological father but as an adopted person and a husband who has taken on my kids from my first marriage as his owns and treats them no different to the children we have together. There are plenty of men out there who do take on children that aren't biologically theirs. I couldn't have split custody of my little child. Mine from my first marriage are now aged between 10 and 18 and I still miss them like mad when they go and see their dad for 4 hours every other weekend (his choice not mine).

Either way massive congratulations! I'm so happy you finally have your little one of the way. X

Off topic but you miss your 18 yo when they see their father for 4 hours ? Seriously? That is not normal

WhatapityWapiti · 25/08/2023 06:41

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 23:31

My opinion is my opinion, I made fantastic choices, 7 amazing kids with me all the time, every birthday/Christmas and holidays! 🤷🏻‍♀️

You have 7 kids and not one of the fathers is aware?!

Goldencup · 25/08/2023 06:42

In answer to OPs question:
I think he might guess if you suddenly stop drinking, you might be v. tired and or sick.
If he doesn't then I would tell him after the scan when you know it is viable.
I very much doubt this man would want 50:50 and if you breastfeed the courts are highly unlikely to order it.
But the child has the right to a relationship with thier father.

Maryjaneslastdance · 25/08/2023 06:43

Dillane · 25/08/2023 00:34

Misogynistic crap

Show quote history

It's misogynistic to say fathers should have rights?

If you say so...

PineConeOrDogPoo · 25/08/2023 06:45

Please tell him! In any way you feel comfortable doing. And congratulations!

WhatapityWapiti · 25/08/2023 06:45

Best of luck OP. I really hope that the pregnancy goes to term. I’m not sure I could continue having regular sex with a man when I was pregnant and he didn’t know though. I know sex won’t harm the baby but I did feel extra fragile during those anxious early weeks.

housingplanningquestion · 25/08/2023 06:46

It's not so much having to share care, as the chance he could be more dodgy than you'd know at this stage. And having to l give access to someone potentially abusive. If you can afford it (sounds like you can), I'd pay a few hundred quid for a private detective to check for red flags. If none, I think you should tell him, especially as you are continuing to shag him - that feels like you are actively deceiving him at this point.

maria2bela1 · 25/08/2023 06:50

Really shocked to see women on here suggesting that you don't tell him at all! You both slept together, a baby has come about because of that, he has the right to know a child is coming into the world that is his.. I would have a viability scan (at 7 weeks you can have one now). If all ok, I would just tell him. He may be shocked at first, may not react over the moon, but then I'm sure will respect your decision to keep baby, and you never know, may actually want to be involved once he knows your serious about keeping it. If you do what's right you can't go wrong :)

Starseeking · 25/08/2023 06:50

You should tell him once you get to a safer point in the pregnancy, say 12-15 weeks, though he may guess before then given you might start looking a bit rounder!

Goldencup · 25/08/2023 06:50

housingplanningquestion · 25/08/2023 06:46

It's not so much having to share care, as the chance he could be more dodgy than you'd know at this stage. And having to l give access to someone potentially abusive. If you can afford it (sounds like you can), I'd pay a few hundred quid for a private detective to check for red flags. If none, I think you should tell him, especially as you are continuing to shag him - that feels like you are actively deceiving him at this point.

I don't know about a private detective but you can ask for information under Clare's law and Sarah's Law.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet

Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme factsheet

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet

Capricornandproud · 25/08/2023 06:52

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

You know what - this. He won’t likely want to know at all, and no way would I have any child of mine stay with someone I barely knew.

35and3 · 25/08/2023 07:02

If you can afford to, pay for an early scan. It'll give you some reassurance for now of how everything is going. Waiting another 5 weeks for the nhs scan is a long time to keep that to yourself, especially if you'll be seeing him another 5 times in that period.

Zanatdy · 25/08/2023 07:03

My God. I’m shocked and disgusted how many women on here are saying they’d deny their child the right to know their father. Children aren’t possessions and whilst we might raise them for 18yrs, they don’t belong to us. Not having a father in your life is one thing, but deliberately denying your child a chance to have a potentially loving father and amazing relationship is actually disgusting. Those who are saying they are already doing that, so they don’t have to share custody, well shame on you and I hope you are ready for the big fall out coming your way when these children grow up and find out you’ve denied them a fundamental right. No wonder women get a bad name when it comes to access to children etc. Women don’t own their children, fact. You are all disgusting denying your child a father, for your own selfish reasons. Good parents make sacrifices for their children.

Epidote · 25/08/2023 07:06

Congratulations.
You are determined to have the baby so it is something unexpected but gladly welcome by you.

Regarding his paternity you need to tell in the same way you had posted here. He may not want to be involved at any stage. That will free you from get him in the birth certificate and you will be a single mum. Which is that you pursue now you know you are pregnant.

He may want not to be involved but take a peek and see how baby is doing every now and them.

He may want to be involved at some point or even want to contribute financially even if is not a full amount.

In your situation I would be looking for the first option. I would rather not having him interfering in the raising of the baby as there is no a stablished relationship between both of you.

user1492757084 · 25/08/2023 07:07

If I were you, I would tell ASAP or I would feel very deceiptful to keep seeing him. If he were not nice enough to keep seeing then I might consider not telling him until later.
You might be glad of someone to hold your hand if the tests don't come out that well.
If the relationship continues and looks to be long term, will you forever be feeling like you held a secret? Will not sharing the information add to the downfall of what could have been great?
Do some serious snooping to prove the honesty of the man and whether he is as lovely as he seems.

Ohmych · 25/08/2023 07:10

The comments on here are nuts! So many people saying not to tell him so you don't have to share your child. Do you all realise how damaging it will be to a child never to know their Father. A life time of hurt and upset. A messed up adult at the end so you don't have to share your child. Good luck with that.

Op you need to tell him. I would tell him as soon as possible because you're seeing him every week.

ThePoshUns · 25/08/2023 07:10

As you're still seeing him I think you should tell him.
Tell him you're happy to go it alone.
You never know he might secretly want a child himself.
Unfair not to say anything to him.

BCBird · 25/08/2023 07:22

I think u should tell him. It is his right to know. U know the course of action you are going to take, irrespective of his opinion. Congratulations.

Daffodil18 · 25/08/2023 07:23

Wow all of these people saying don’t tell him ever are horrible. My mother had a one night stand and didn’t tell him or me. I found out as an adult. I resent her for it and always will. I’ve met him but he will never be a dad as that ship has sailed. Therefore if you don’t want your child to resent you then make sure he gets the opportunity to be a father.