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Original poster

41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

433 replies

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 24/08/2023 23:25

WhiteNoise91 · 24/08/2023 22:42

Whilst I agree that children need fathers, I also would not want to share my child with a man I didn’t know. Don’t get me wrong he could be a wonderful father, but he could also be the complete opposite, and there’s no way I would be sending my child off every weekend to a man I barely know.

so no, I wouldn’t tell him.

Absolutely shocking! Doesn’t he have a right to decide or is he just a sperm donor??????((

Canisaysomething · 24/08/2023 23:25

I had a quick unexpected pregnancy with an OLD and am now happily married with more DC. Hold off telling him for as long as possible until you know if it's going to work out with him. You could end up with an amazing new family! Good luck OP.

Canisaysomething · 24/08/2023 23:27

I mean I'm happily married to the OLD guy. No idea why posters are saying ditch him. You could have a perfect baby AND a perfect partner.

Airyfairy99 · 24/08/2023 23:29

Disgusting advice saying dont tell him ( i am having to do 50/50 despite being primary carer so im not biased )

He desrves to know he is to be a father then it is up to him how he takes up this role.

Maryjaneslastdance · 24/08/2023 23:29

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 23:18

I know my opinion is technically "wrong" and I'm aware children aren't possessions , but it's what I'd do, based on friends/family's experiences with shared custody, none of my kids spend a single night with their dad, I don't get practical help either, but it's much preferred, 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry but just because you and family a friends made bad choices doesn't mean the op did.

It's just not right to deny both father and child the opportunity.

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 23:31

My opinion is my opinion, I made fantastic choices, 7 amazing kids with me all the time, every birthday/Christmas and holidays! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Smineusername · 24/08/2023 23:31

Let him know now.

I got pregnant very quickly in a new relationship after a lifetime of sensible contraception. It was the best thing that's ever happened to me, I am still with the father and there's no reason why things can't work out. Of course, it always helps to know that you can get by on your own if necessary, and you definitely can, but don't artificially preclude the possibility of a relationship just because it doesn't fit your script. Sometimes life happens and you make it work.

Congratulations, it's normal to be apprehensive but this is really great news for you, honestly. X

Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 24/08/2023 23:32

You should contact him and tell him ASAP, especially given the fact you are seeing him on a regular basis. He may want to attend the 12-week scan. If I were in your position, I'd call him and ask to meet, let him have some time to get used to the idea, and then see what happens. Some might not agree, but it's best to open and transparent. I don't think any good will come from either not telling him or delaying telling him.

Lindyloo23 · 24/08/2023 23:37

To be honest I agree that you should wait until first scan and vulnerable period of pregnancy passes. Tell him as you would your family when you know it’s all good.
By then you will know him better.
You will also know if he’s a good person.
Then say that you realise you were both responsible for not taking precautions but you are definitely having the baby and he can be involved if he chooses.
In the meantime you relationship will either flourish or not.
But your child deserves to know that you tried to involve their father and it won’t cause issues many years later.
Good luck.
And so happy you are pregnant with the child you always wanted.

Clymene · 24/08/2023 23:38

Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 24/08/2023 23:32

You should contact him and tell him ASAP, especially given the fact you are seeing him on a regular basis. He may want to attend the 12-week scan. If I were in your position, I'd call him and ask to meet, let him have some time to get used to the idea, and then see what happens. Some might not agree, but it's best to open and transparent. I don't think any good will come from either not telling him or delaying telling him.

He may want to but it's the OP's decision. If she doesn't want him there he can't come.

MadeForThis · 24/08/2023 23:38

If it's a one night stand and there are no plans to see him again then I would stay quiet until 12/16 weeks.

If you plan to continue to see him every week then it's best to say something now.

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 24/08/2023 23:46

Absolutely shocking people are saying don't tell him!!

He has as much a right to know he has a son/daughter coming into the world just as much as OP does and to decide whether he wants to be involved.

Some very selfish people on this thread.

Bacon88 · 24/08/2023 23:51

You have to tell him as you never know he may really want a child. Completely disagree with the comments about you might have to share the child so run away. Well thats tough luck and you should be grown enough at 41 to have a normal civil coparenting relationship.

He could turn out to have a very loving relationship with the child. You also have to factor in his family. You could potentially be denying your child all that love.

If it turns out he doesn't want to know then you can close that door.

I think you will carry a lot of guilt if you never know what he thinks.

CorneliusFinnegan · 24/08/2023 23:59

I feel like I'm missing something here- so many people saying don't tell him- are they forgetting this baby is a (future) person?
It will want to know who it's father is- this is the kind of thing that can really mess a person up.

TossacointoHenryCavill · 25/08/2023 00:02

I don’t think there’s any issue about waiting until the 12 week scan to tell him. There’s no point giving yourself the angst until the miscarriage risk has lowered. It’s an easy one to justify. You can tell him you were always going to keep the pregnancy and didn’t want to worry him about his choice in involvement until there was definitely going to be a baby. I’d say you could even wait until the 20week scan but if you’re seeing him every week or so then you probably won’t want or be able to hide it that long.

mibid · 25/08/2023 00:07

Congratulations!!

Snugglemonkey · 25/08/2023 00:07

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

This is mot in the best interests of the child.

neilyoungismyhero · 25/08/2023 00:07

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

He's a stranger maybe but he's also the father of the child. Both he and the child deserve to know each other.

Bluetoesnewtoes · 25/08/2023 00:10

He’s going to notice somethings up in the next few weeks unless you disappear off the radar never to return. How will you explain the sudden localised weight gain. Or the pram if you bump into him in a years time. Best to be the bigger person and tell him now,

TossacointoHenryCavill · 25/08/2023 00:11

If it turns out he is keen to be involved and would have liked to be at the scan, you can just book a private one to do together.

PeopleAreWeird · 25/08/2023 00:12

Really? And what about the child?? @TaylorsSwimShorts

WandaWonder · 25/08/2023 00:13

neilyoungismyhero · 25/08/2023 00:07

He's a stranger maybe but he's also the father of the child. Both he and the child deserve to know each other.

Show quote history

100% this

MrMucker · 25/08/2023 00:17

Of course not telling him, even if only until the 12 week scan, is a lie by default, and means you'll have to sustain the lie by continuing with contraception, which is weird. You started without contraception because you didn't think pregnancy would happen, and end with contraception because you are pregnant.
That's bananas. Just tell him pronto.

Dillane · 25/08/2023 00:29

ConfusedNoMore · 24/08/2023 22:38

I'd give yourself some time. Try and find out as much as you can about this man before you tell him. If you find out anything that gives you a red flag, think very carefully.

You don't know him at all. It's a big risk.

Good advice. Put you and your baby first.

WantingToEducate · 25/08/2023 00:32

I am absolutely horrified by all these people saying not to tell him. He has a right to know he’s going to be a father and the child has every right to know who their dad is.

People making comments about how they wouldn’t tell him so OP doesn’t have to pack him off to a stranger at the weekend but with all due respect she had unprotected sex with this “stranger”, (and still is having sex with him) and so she was willing to risk pregnancy with him and so she now has to see that through.

He obviously isn’t a stranger.

He absolutely needs to know - the OP has no right to bring a child up and actively and purposefully prevent that child from knowing who their dad is.

My friend was in a similar situation and she decided not to tell the guy she was pregnant and so now her son has grown up with no idea who his dad is. He’s 10 now and absolutely full of rage and upset about it and his behaviour is out of control. Sometimes between his bursts of anger he will break down and start crying and ask him mom why all his friends have a dad but he doesn’t. She had told me that it breaks her heart to see her son so tormented and frequently says she regrets the decision she made.

Congratulations on your news OP - and thankfully you seem to know it’s the right thing to do to tell him, for both his sake and for the good of your child.