41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

[Pizzapie81]

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Bloody hell this is awful.

I have amazing support from friends and family so am very lucky in that regard. Only my immediate family and one very close friend knows so far and they will help me in any way required. I was afraid to tell my mum as she is quite religious but surprisingly she is absolutely delighted. I’ve told her she isn’t allowed to get the knitting needles out until after my first scan!😀

@TaylorsSwimShorts As someone who’s mother didn’t tell them about their father and denied me the chance to know him for her own selfish reasons, my relationship with my mother will never recover. You’d rather that than possibly having to share custody?

OP you need to tell him, and ensure your child knows who their father is.

I wouldn’t tell him. Not yet anyway. Not until you have had your baby.

@SpacePatch Thanks so much from your comment as someone who was put in that situation. I have absolutely full intentions of telling him and leaving it up to him if he wants to be involved. At least he was very clear from the start about not wanting a relationship. I much prefer that approach than someone pretending to be all into me and then disappearing.

He does seem like a really nice person and we always have a lovely time together on the maybe 6 occasions we have seen each other. That of course is no indication as to how he will react to this news. I was in complete shock when I did the test so I have no idea how he will feel!!

I agree with the tell him but I don’t know about the waitinf till the 12 week scan because then comes the question how long did you know and how are you going to face your next weekly meet up?. I’d just be honest about your intentions from the off and that you had no intention of getting pregnant but you’re happy and you’re happy to do it alone fully.

you know your situation better than anyone and what makes you feel comfortable. I’d do it over text in this situation no problem 🤦🏽‍♀️.

on the other hand! Congratulations and good on you OP! I wish you every bit of luck and success and happiness in your pregnancy and life moving forward! It’s such a wonderful thing.

Congratulations. It sounds like you & your baby will be just fine no matter what way he takes the news. You have to tell him. How he reacts is up to him but he has a right to know.

As for the contraception, that's completely understandable. There's almost zero chance I'll ever be pregnant & I only use contraception as I have been warned by several medical professionals it's dangerous if I do. Only for that, I wouldn't bother either.

I can also add my partner never knew who his dad was and it still bothers him his mum never gave up any information and still won’t. It’s harsh. But you’ve got the right head on your shoulders!

Wait until the 12 week scan. You need to know there's something to tell him.

In the meantime work out finances and logistics. There's a lot to think about.

what a lovely story congratulations OP you’re going to have a baby that’s the first thing

one of my colleagues got pregnant from a ONS, she told the man but he basically said you’re a ONS if you choose to keep it you’ll be doing it alone I want nothing to do with it. He made his choice. She has a beautiful daughter she is raising in her own.

Personally I would tell him, give him the choice. I would tell him you don’t want a Disney dad who promises so much at the start then never shows up or shows up once in a blue moon.

Congratulations! This happened to a friend of mine. She told the guy she needed to meet him to talk. He huffed and puffed a bit about why it was necessary and she said she had something important to tell him. I think he had pretty much worked it out for himself by the time she told him.
They went on to have a good co-parenting relationship as friends and their beautiful daughter is now a happy successful adult close to both her parents.

You could pay for a private scan now to check if the pregnancy is viable, then tell him after that.

Definitely get an STD test.

Children aren't possessions

Congratulations. I agree in not rushing to tell him. Have a scan first and get used to the news yourself.

I disagree with waiting until the 12 week scan. You've had some time to get your head around it. He will need the same.

If something is wrong with the pregnancy or you have a miscarriage are you going to be able to carry on with your current pattern of contact without either blurting something out, or feeling resentful of him because he hasn't been able to mindread?

I appreciate he's not a close friend and so maybe he's not the person you'd most want to count on if something went wrong but do you honestly think you wouldn't mind if he were oblivious? Imagine you've just found out you're having a MMC the day before you go round to his and he's expecting the sexy woman he's been seeing, are you going to play that part and hate him for it or will it all come rushing out?

I had a pregnancy which was viable at 8 weeks and then the foetus died. I found out at 13 weeks when I had the first nhs scan.

An early scan is no guarantee of viability unfortunately, particularly at the OP's age

you don't know him very well yet - I always think it takes six months to get to know someone reasonably well and a lot longer to really get to know them. what kind of a person is he? does he hold down a job? addictions? any red flags for behaviour? might he be abusive in any way even if it's not obvious now? all worth considering before you decide to tell him or not. I say this as someone who quickly fell pg in a new relationship then during the pg my now ex turned emotionally abusive, lots of other issues came out of the woodwork about him and he all but deserted me whilst simultaneously dumping all his shit on me to deal with along with giving zero fucks about the baby and leaving me to do ALL the heavy lifting including refusing to provide financially. I tolerate him now for my daughter's sake but it was like having two kids, one with loads of difficult issues, instead of one new baby. Much harder. So think carefully about him and what he's like before you decide if you should tell him, to avoid future issues.

Rightly or wrongly I agree with this.

I personally wouldn't tell him. I know that's frowned upon and you're child will grow up without a biological father but as an adopted person and a husband who has taken on my kids from my first marriage as his owns and treats them no different to the children we have together. There are plenty of men out there who do take on children that aren't biologically theirs. I couldn't have split custody of my little child. Mine from my first marriage are now aged between 10 and 18 and I still miss them like mad when they go and see their dad for 4 hours every other weekend (his choice not mine).

Either way massive congratulations! I'm so happy you finally have your little one of the way. X

Congratulations OP.

Hate to put a downer on things though, but miscarriage risk is quite high at your age, especially as you've never carried a baby to term before. So I'd certainly hold off until 12 weeks, because it seems unnecessary to raise it as an issue when it might just go away on its own, so to speak.

Personally I'm in agreement with pp who have said don't tell him, or at least be cautious and perhaps try to learn more about him (perhaps some Google stalking is in order). I would certainly not be taking all the information he's told you about himself at face value. Have you met any of his friends/family?

Really? she had no problem letting an almost stranger impregnate her. (Not judging you op, just this idiot)

Father's have rights also..

Congrats op!

OP congratulations. My daughter has an amazing 3 year old who has no contact with her father. She is happy,level headed ,intelligent and now has a Mum who has qualified into an amazing profession…Mummy has balls ! You can do this and make a fantastic life for yourself and your child . Am going to be honest and say that if you want to be a Mum then this is your opportunity 💐Xx

I know my opinion is technically "wrong" and I'm aware children aren't possessions , but it's what I'd do, based on friends/family's experiences with shared custody, none of my kids spend a single night with their dad, I don't get practical help either, but it's much preferred, 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree