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Original poster

41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

433 replies

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
AceofPentacles · 25/08/2023 08:05

I've been in a similar situation with someone who didn't want a baby (neither of us wanted a relationship). You need to tell him so he can at least let you know about any hereditary illnesses or risks your child may need to know about later on. Also children start asking questions about their heritage quite early , are you really going to tell them they are the result of a ONS as a pp suggested? I don't think they'd take that well. It would be better if mum and dad could be "friends" at least.

Congratulations btw

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 25/08/2023 08:05

Happened to a male friend of mine. She told him and he is involved in the child's life and contributes. He was someone who never settled down, etc. They look to be co-parenting really well.

urbanbuddha · 25/08/2023 08:07

Of course you tell him. He’s your baby’s father. That doesn’t mean he’s going to be your DH but your child will want to know him. Just because you got pregnant the first time doesn’t make him a deadbeat dad. Maybe he will be but maybe he won’t. You’ll have to wait to see how he reacts to know how you’re going to move forward. I’d tell him face to face at a cafe in a park so that you can leave him to gather his thoughts in a peaceful environment.

Cas112 · 25/08/2023 08:09

I don't think I would tell him tbh

Calmdown14 · 25/08/2023 08:09

Get to your scans first. You don't need any additional stress and his reaction is an unknown quantity.

I'd be tempted to email/message him. It allows you to set out things like you have here and to think about the wording. Saying you are happy to talk when he's processed it. Or not if that's his choice.

Then you know for your child that you did your bit.

DorasAuntie · 25/08/2023 08:12

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/08/2023 08:02

FFS, aren’t women allowed to get carried away at 41?!! My hormone levels went crazy around that age. I was with someone (but didn’t really want to be pregnant by him) but certainly got carried away and had amazing sex, a lot at that age.

Show quote history

@GonnaGetGoingReturns I think you have missed the point. It's not the passion that was wrong, it was not using contraception.

albalass · 25/08/2023 08:13

QueSyrahSyrah · 25/08/2023 07:46

Congratulations OP. I'm shocked at all the 'don't tell him' and 'I wouldn't want to share MY baby' comments you're receiving.

You people do realise that the baby is a whole separate human in their own right, don't you? And that the baby is actually BOTH of yours?

No matter what you want, you don't get to play God with two other human lives FFS. The baby has every right to know it's family and history, and the bloke has every right to know he's a Father.

Couldn't agree more. The baby has to be put first and foremost in this. Honestly shocked at the number of people thinking the father shouldn't be told. I think he should be told as soon as possible.

Startrekkeruniverse · 25/08/2023 08:17

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

What a strange post. It’s not her child, it’s their child.

Congrats OP! I would tell him sooner rather than later.

newwings · 25/08/2023 08:17

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

Wow women like you playing God.

GameOverBoys · 25/08/2023 08:19

housingplanningquestion · 25/08/2023 06:46

It's not so much having to share care, as the chance he could be more dodgy than you'd know at this stage. And having to l give access to someone potentially abusive. If you can afford it (sounds like you can), I'd pay a few hundred quid for a private detective to check for red flags. If none, I think you should tell him, especially as you are continuing to shag him - that feels like you are actively deceiving him at this point.

This is actually a good idea. I think the farther needs to be told but from knowing some women who break their heart sending their children off to someone who abuses them I would exercise caution. There is a law that police will tell you if they have previous convictions. Not a guarantee but some reassurance.

Startrekkeruniverse · 25/08/2023 08:20

MrsMarzetti · 25/08/2023 07:33

It is not just her child, it is his too. Mothers are only half the parent. There are too many adults that have poor MH because there mothers thought they were the be all and end all and they child didn't need to know who their father was. Why would you be that bloody evil to your child. But of course it's all about mummy and not about the child, after all why should the Madonna be made to share.

Show quote history

@MrsMarzetti well said. Can’t believe how many posters are saying don’t tell him, it beggars belief.

Evieanne · 25/08/2023 08:21

From the baby’s dad’s perspective, the OP is a stranger too. He doesn’t know how safe she would be with the child either.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 25/08/2023 08:25

I'm shocked at some of the comments on here! Don't tell him so you don't have to co parent? Wow!
OP firstly congratulations on your pregnancy, secondly he absolutely deserves to know. If he chooses not to be involved that's up to him but at least in the future you can look your child in the eye and say you gave their dad the option of being involved.

SamPoodle123 · 25/08/2023 08:25

All it takes is the one time. I would not tell him...like a pp said then you might have to let him have your dc half the time and who knows what kind of parent he would be. If he still wants to meet up, you could perhaps think about it and decide. If he seems like a good person...then maybe you could say. He would not know and you do not really start showing until 5 months....so you have time.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 25/08/2023 08:26

SamPoodle123 · 25/08/2023 08:25

All it takes is the one time. I would not tell him...like a pp said then you might have to let him have your dc half the time and who knows what kind of parent he would be. If he still wants to meet up, you could perhaps think about it and decide. If he seems like a good person...then maybe you could say. He would not know and you do not really start showing until 5 months....so you have time.

He could say the same about her, he doesn't know what parent she'd be neither.

faban · 25/08/2023 08:27

Omg firstly congratulations. This must be such a shock to you!! I'd tell him before the 12 week scan: I'd text him today.

Good luck!xx

DameCurlyBassey · 25/08/2023 08:28

I know this is morally dubious but I don’t think you should tell him. At least not for now. He may pressure you to abort and you want the baby more than anything. Be selfish.

I would be tempted not to tell him ever but I guess you could tell him When you are closer to your due date. I know it sounds callous but I would text him first so that he can absorb the shock and surprise and have some space to think, then you follow up with a phone call.

congratulations!!!

Babyghirl · 25/08/2023 08:31

I disagree with the posters say sending your child of with a stranger, well it will be the babies father so hardly a stranger to them, you lie down with a man and make a baby, that man has a right to know he is going to father a child and a choice to stick around or walk away, that inoccent baby has a right to know its father, if he walks away at thrast the blame won't be put on mum for keeping him away.

AmyB13 · 25/08/2023 08:32

Hi, massive congratulations! You must be over the moon!
I haven't read all of the comments on here and tbh I'm really surprised at how many people are saying don't tell the guy. I think that would be massively unfair to him and your child to take away an opportunity for him to be a father and them to have a dad. It sounds like you will tell him though, which is great.
I was in a similar situation years ago, casual relationship and fell pregnant even after taking the morning after pill. I told the guy straight away via phone call. He was shocked to say the least! I thought he would get angry and I'd never see him again, but he wasn't like that at all. He asked me what he could do to support me and was great. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage so can't let you know how it worked out long term, but I never regretted telling him. I knew he didn't want kids, but was prepared to be a dad and was actually very upset when it ended.
I wish you the very best with telling the guy, and with the pregnancy ❤

SlippySarah · 25/08/2023 08:34

You definitely need to tell him and try to set the boundaries for a healthy co-parenting irelationship early on. You don't know that he isn't a closet psychopath, but he doesn't know what sort of parent you will be either. You liked him enough to have sex with him and to have maintained contact so give the bloke a chance and let him know he's going to be a dad.

I'm shocked at those people who say don't tell and wonder what has driven that opinion? To do that would be to deny your child a father, grandparents, cousins and possibly a whole supportive other family. That's a pretty extreme decision to take on behalf of another human being.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/08/2023 08:36

I wouldn’t say anything yet. You don’t know this guy really; do you want him in your life for the next 18 years at a minimum?

DinnaeFashYersel · 25/08/2023 08:36

TaylorsSwimShorts · 24/08/2023 22:26

I wouldn't tell him at all... you'll run the risk of an almost stranger having your child half the time...

The child has a right to have a relationship with their father.

The child is as much his too.

beAsensible1 · 25/08/2023 08:37

congratulations OP! definitely tell him asap, I wouldn't wait 12 weeks if you are going to see him in that time it comes across as deceitful.

all of you suggesting she should tell him are nuts! bringing a child into the world and lying about their other parent is wrong, letting them go through life feeling unwanted by the person who made half of them is wrong.

children aren't possessions or little mini me's to keep you company, they are individuals who deserve love a respect from the outset, not lives built on a lie.

Hecate01 · 25/08/2023 08:39

I'd wait until I knew everything was okay and I'd had my scan then tell him.

Regardless of how the child was conceived both father and child deserve the right to have a chance at a relationship and somewhere down the line when you have a stroppy teenager it could come back to bite you on the arse if they find out their father didn't know about them.

Genevieva · 25/08/2023 08:39

If wait until you have missed two periods. It’s still early days and before a scan. You can pretend it took a while for you to notice if you need to. But you will have longer to get to know him and decide how to approach telling him.