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Original poster

41- I am pregnant from the first time we had sex

433 replies

Pizzapie81 · 24/08/2023 22:10

I will preface this by saying that for several years during my mid to late 30s I tried to get pregnant without any success whatsoever. This was with tracking ovulation etc. I never had it investigated at the time and buried my head in the sand and felt like a failure. Always felt there was something wrong with me.

Anyway, move forward to now and I am 41, almost 42. I met a guy from OLD back in February. We met up a couple of times at that point but he said he wasn’t looking a relationship which I took to mean that he was trying to let me down gently and didn’t find me attractive.

A couple of months ago we got back in touch and started messaging. We agreed to meet up “as friends” even though I still fancied him. I thought that if nothing else a bit of male company and companionship would be appreciated.

To cut a long story short, it turns out that he did find me attractive and we had amazing sex. The first time we had sex we got carried away and neither of us had a condom. I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly thought it would be fine given the hundreds of times I had actively tried to conceive without a single success.

BUT, I have just found out that I am pregnant! I am almost 7 weeks now and don’t know how and when I am going to tell him. I am fairly sure he won’t want to be involved and at least he was upfront from the beginning and gave me no false hope of a relationship. I am definitely keeping the baby whatever the outcome but would just like advice on how to proceed? Would you wait until first scan to let him know? Also, I am aware that I don’t actually know this man very well at all and am wondering if telling him over the phone might be best.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 25/08/2023 07:23

Of course she needs to tell him - what kind of person would intentionally deny their own child, the person they (presumably) love most in the world, something so important as a (possible, if he steps up) relationship with their father?

For your own sake as well OP. In the future you may well want nights out with friends, or even to date again? Even the odd weekend away without your child? I know you have some family support, so that will help, but a strong co-parenting relationship is the very best way to ensure you can still sometimes retain your own independence and pre-mom identity, as well as enjoying the amazing joy of being a mother....

I have a lovely, amazing friend with two girls, both got different dads (first was from her marriage, second from a ONS). In both cases the dads are not not involved at all through their own choice.
And tho she has lots of family support, it is HARD. She loves her kids of course. But offered the choice of a co-parent to have them every other weekend to give her a break - she would bite your hand off!

Congrats OP! I would tell him ASAP, give him the maximum.amount of time to process and to plan before the birth. I'm a coward so I might do it over text or email, which is actually kinder to him too as he doesn't have to try and manage his initial reactions in order to be polite.....

Hopefully he will get his head round it and want to support. If he doesn't, you seem happy to go it alone with family support anyway, so all good either way!

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2023 07:27

BlastedSkreet · 24/08/2023 22:28

I think I wouldn’t tell him. Keep whatever details you can so that your child can contact him if they want to later on.

Congratulations!

I agree, you owe it to your child to tell him who his father is.

Just reassure the chap that you are not asking for anything. Who knows, he may want to be involved so keep door open.

I can't help feeling this baby's conception is meant and I am not given to being fanciful. I presume your life is fairly in order, job, home, finances etc, and if so - CONGRATULATIONS. You're going to be a mother!

All the very best to you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/08/2023 07:27

Well firstly

congratulations !!!
This is lovely news

tell him
explain your background
and offer him time to digest
this is a major thing and he might need some time to get his head around it

Namechangedforthis2244 · 25/08/2023 07:28

One thing to consider is the possibility that he might not want to be involved at all.

It might feel like overkill but if I was you, before you tell him, I would take or download from socials a couple of pictures of him if you don’t already have them.

Children do better with an understanding of their history and where they come from, so if he does disappear then some photos of him will be really valuable.

Dentistlakes · 25/08/2023 07:30

Of course you have to tell him. This is his child too and the child deserves to know their father.

AuntieEsther · 25/08/2023 07:32

If you want to keep seeing him then tell him asap. If you want to wait then take a break from seeing him until you get your head straight and feel ready.

MrsMarzetti · 25/08/2023 07:33

WhiteNoise91 · 24/08/2023 22:42

Whilst I agree that children need fathers, I also would not want to share my child with a man I didn’t know. Don’t get me wrong he could be a wonderful father, but he could also be the complete opposite, and there’s no way I would be sending my child off every weekend to a man I barely know.

so no, I wouldn’t tell him.

It is not just her child, it is his too. Mothers are only half the parent. There are too many adults that have poor MH because there mothers thought they were the be all and end all and they child didn't need to know who their father was. Why would you be that bloody evil to your child. But of course it's all about mummy and not about the child, after all why should the Madonna be made to share.

Batalax · 25/08/2023 07:33

It would be easier on him if you say that it’s up to him whether he’s involved or not, or if he wants to financially contribute or not.
Of course you might want some financial support, which is also fine.

Stuckinthenorth · 25/08/2023 07:35

Do not tell him.

if he thinks there’s a risk of having to pay child maintenance he’ll want to have your baby over night.

I can promise you that co parenting is a total ball ache, you’re stuck having to make decisions with them and end up still doing all the hard stuff.

start thinking about a story to tell people on who father is and stick to it.

congratulations as well. You can do this x

myNewName21 · 25/08/2023 07:39

WhiteNoise91 · 24/08/2023 22:42

Whilst I agree that children need fathers, I also would not want to share my child with a man I didn’t know. Don’t get me wrong he could be a wonderful father, but he could also be the complete opposite, and there’s no way I would be sending my child off every weekend to a man I barely know.

so no, I wouldn’t tell him.

But surely it’s his child as well, doesn’t he at least get the right to know he has a child, this wasn’t a immaculate conception, and if the OP wants any kind of financial support from the father he is going to have to know and will automatically get legal rights over his own child?

AuntieEsther · 25/08/2023 07:41

myNewName21 · 25/08/2023 07:39

But surely it’s his child as well, doesn’t he at least get the right to know he has a child, this wasn’t a immaculate conception, and if the OP wants any kind of financial support from the father he is going to have to know and will automatically get legal rights over his own child?

Show quote history

More to the point the child has a right to know who their father is and potentially have a relationship with him.
it's obviously a risk as the OP doesn't know him but to unilaterally decide it's not worth the child ever having a relationship with their father is not likely to be easily forgiven in the future.

cheezncrackers · 25/08/2023 07:43

I'm glad you're going to tell him. We're friends with a couple and the DH recently found out that he fathered a DC back in the 1990s with an ex gf. The ex never told him that she was pregnant and she never told her DD who her father is until about six years ago. The girl was already in her 20s by then, grown up, she was engaged to be married and had spent her whole childhood with no dad in her life, not knowing who he was, not knowing his family, her cousins, anything - and he missed being a dad to her for her whole childhood.

When she found out who he was, she found him on Facebook and sent him a message. It was an absolute bombshell to him, his wife and their two DC. Our friends are a lovely couple and they have welcomed her into their family, but the fact is that they're strangers. Because of the DM's actions, a girl grew up without a father or any family on his side, and a man went through his life completely ignorant about the fact that he had a DC. He got married himself and had a family, not knowing that he already had a DD out there somewhere. His kids grew up not knowing their older sister. The whole situation is just really sad, for everything that they all missed out on.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 25/08/2023 07:44

Congratulations OP!

Tell him face to face asap.

What is the point of delaying? He will (rightly) feel lied to if you continue seeing him and he doesn’t know. It will look as if you are trying to get the relationship more established which will make it harder for him to walk away.

Whatever the outcome of all this it will be better to keep to the central issues without complications of secrecy / subterfuge.

Have a think about what would genuinely be best case scenario for you, give him open choices but I wouldn’t be making any pre-emptive decisions about pushing him out of your life.

HairyKitty · 25/08/2023 07:44

@Pizzapie81 please also remember that he also didn’t use protection and he certainly knew the possible consequences of this.

QueSyrahSyrah · 25/08/2023 07:46

Congratulations OP. I'm shocked at all the 'don't tell him' and 'I wouldn't want to share MY baby' comments you're receiving.

You people do realise that the baby is a whole separate human in their own right, don't you? And that the baby is actually BOTH of yours?

No matter what you want, you don't get to play God with two other human lives FFS. The baby has every right to know it's family and history, and the bloke has every right to know he's a Father.

Cherryflavouranything · 25/08/2023 07:55

Do you 100% know he’s not married?

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/08/2023 07:55

Ignore those saying not to tell him.

You can’t do that.

It’s not just your baby, it’s his too.

End of.

Ghosttofu99 · 25/08/2023 07:55

I just think the people who wouldn’t say anything are being very naive. Kids aren’t stupid. The child will be asking about the father from very early on which means having contact anyway or lying to your child for many years and breaking their trust

SunWorshipping · 25/08/2023 07:56

I am shocked at the number of people on this thread saying not to tell him, ever! He's going to be a father, his parents grandparents etc etc etc whether you like it or not he's the other parent and he and your child (assuming everything goes OK given your age) have a right to a relationship. I know a few people who's mother's got pregnant early on in a relationship and the dad had no involvement, they are unfortunately some very messed up people who have struggled with relationships themselves. Your dad is half your identity, taking that relationship away will have a long term impact on this child. You could wait until 12 weeks after your scan, the chances of miscarriage over 40 start to increase as your egg quality will be much lower than when you were younger, no point in telling him if there is no baby afterall.

DorasAuntie · 25/08/2023 07:56

This is very similar to a post a week or two back where the woman had become pregnant on the 3rd date. That thread was taken down.

TBH I find it shocking that at 41 you got carried away - as did he.

He didn't know your medical history of low fertility and therefore he was taking a risk too.

What will you do if he doesn't want to be a father? Even if you say you are happy to forgo any money from him, he would have a child, for life.

And if either of you go into another relationship, this child will be part of that, even if he never wants to see it, he would surely tell a future partner he had a child from a ONS.

He has a right to know and I also think you need to think very carefully about your life as a single parent.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/08/2023 07:59

Congratulations and definitely tell him! You never know how he will step up to being a father.

Not to scare you but I knew someone pregnant at 41, married not king after and then pregnant again at 43. Several friends have had babies in 40s only one from fertility treatment (and SIL but that’s IVF).

YRGAM · 25/08/2023 08:00

Of course you need to tell him! Can't believe some of the posters here. Not wanting a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't want to be a father

YRGAM · 25/08/2023 08:02

Stuckinthenorth · 25/08/2023 07:35

Do not tell him.

if he thinks there’s a risk of having to pay child maintenance he’ll want to have your baby over night.

I can promise you that co parenting is a total ball ache, you’re stuck having to make decisions with them and end up still doing all the hard stuff.

start thinking about a story to tell people on who father is and stick to it.

congratulations as well. You can do this x

This is a hideous, absolutely chilling post. Lie to the child his whole life about who their father is? What is actually wrong with you!??!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/08/2023 08:02

DorasAuntie · 25/08/2023 07:56

This is very similar to a post a week or two back where the woman had become pregnant on the 3rd date. That thread was taken down.

TBH I find it shocking that at 41 you got carried away - as did he.

He didn't know your medical history of low fertility and therefore he was taking a risk too.

What will you do if he doesn't want to be a father? Even if you say you are happy to forgo any money from him, he would have a child, for life.

And if either of you go into another relationship, this child will be part of that, even if he never wants to see it, he would surely tell a future partner he had a child from a ONS.

He has a right to know and I also think you need to think very carefully about your life as a single parent.

FFS, aren’t women allowed to get carried away at 41?!! My hormone levels went crazy around that age. I was with someone (but didn’t really want to be pregnant by him) but certainly got carried away and had amazing sex, a lot at that age.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 25/08/2023 08:02

Congratulations! My advice is:

Start taking folic acid now.
Tell him after 12 week scan when safer.
Good luck! Flowers

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