Boyfriend asked me to make a decision on our relationship "before Q4"

[NamrChangeForPrivacyPurposes]

Regular on this board but NCed because I don't want this post to be associated with my regular posting history. I am in real need of advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is 36 and I am 28. We don't live together. We've had our ups and downs, but recently we were getting into a lot of silly arguments and misunderstandings. I felt he wasn't making an effort to understand my point of view, he didn't express his feelings, and didn't prioritize our relationship over other commitments.

This culminated into an argument a few days ago, which for me was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him that I needed to take some space away from him to think about whether our relationship is sustainable. I thought that a bit of space was going to give us both time to reflect on our feelings. In the moment he agreed to my request.

However, the next day he told me that from October onwards his job was going to be stressful and therefore "he would appreciate if I could let him know what I want to do with our relationship before the beginning of Q4".

I am floored. I feel like he is treating me like an annoying colleague and that this reaction shows that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care whether we stay together or not.

Am I overreacting or is this as bad as I think it is?

Thanks

Slight coincidence that a very popular podcast had guests on this week who were discussing their engagement and mentioned how the husband to be said that the proposal would be in Q4. How odd that you've made a post with this same phrase in the exact same week...

I think on the surface it sounds very cold of him. However, the context may be that he’s desperate to know if you’re dumping him (it’s still over a month until Q4!) and is trying to play it a bit cool while attempting to speed up your response.

That said, it’s not an ideal situation for a couple only 1.5 years in. It should really be heavily honeymoon phase at this point (unless there are some serious external factors rocking the boat).

Yep this. It really shouldn't be this hard only 18 months in. This should still be the honeymoon phase. I'd end it.

Agreed. Sounds like you are messing him about.

@NamrChangeForPrivacyPurposes I shouldn’t laugh, but the Q4 reference tickled me!

You could go back to him with Q1 being really positive, but difficult trading in Q2 has led to a downturn in Q3. As a result, investment returns in Q4 are questionable and forecast figures are currently being reviewed 😂

Wow. He has some issues with relating to others appropriately for sure.

Bin.

I think the question is fair. Gives you over a whole month.

I think asking for space is fine. Asking for an unlimited amount of time where he is expected to wait around isn’t. I think he has a right to also assert his own boundaries . As in ‘I will give you the space you want, however, I won’t wait around indefinitely and this is my line’

Not even sure why you are asking for space tbh. Just end it.

I think the q4 thing sounds rather detached and I think it was meant to. You wanted space, he wanted to set his own boundaries and made the request very detached Rather than emotional.

another way you are incompatible

Tell him to submit a business case for the relationship so you can see if aligns to your strategic goals

It's a fair question albeit clumsily expressed.

With good reason. He's being a dick.

It is necessary for you to streamline and increase efficiency at this time. Maybe he should have to reapply for his role every quarter.

He definitely is under a disciplinary and increased monitoring of his ability to fulfil the role is required. :)

🤣

I know some people here don't like us to think something a woman post suggests ASD in a loved one, but it definitely sounds like it to me.

I think good for you for calling a break when it clearly wasn’t going to plan. Now go the whole hog and just end this, I suspect you know yourself deep down this isn’t who you dreamt your husband would be!

I think there is something in this.
Does he normally talk like that? Or is this unusual.
The language is clumsy, but perhaps it's wounded pride and he's really saying if you are going to dump me, then don't keep me hanging on.
Perhaps he doesn't really understand the space idea.
In your OP you summed up
"I am floored. I feel like he is treating me like an annoying colleague and that this reaction shows that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care whether we stay together or not."
Perhaps you should say exactly that to him and ask him if you are interpreting his comment correctly. At least you would both have clarified to each other what your feelings are.

Why would anyone expect to be treated nicely by someone they’re fucking about?

It's worse than you think.

Leave now. If you try to hang on to this defunct relationship you will end up in an awful state.

I would feel the same as him tbh.

You say you have ups and downs and lots of silly arguments and now you want a break.

The relationship isn’t working.

He wants to know whether you’re going to try at it or stop wasting each others time and both move on.

I think breaks can be good if you’ve been together a long time and come to a crossroads.
But you’ve not been long together long enough for this. Needing a break at this early on means it’s not working.

This. I limped on in a similar relationship at the 18 month stage for another year including living with him. We argued like cat and dog and I should’ve ended it ages ago despite ending it at 18 month stage (and then getting back together). Similar age too.

Of the calendar year or the financial year?

Either way, sounds like you’ve reached the end of the road with him

Yes.
I was going to suggest he turns in a personal review of his overall performance in time for an end of year review, his anticipated grade, and whether he'd meet the critieria to attain the bonus of continuing to have a relationship.

"Lol, you're sacked mate." Is the only appropriate response.

What a twat.

Seems like he is having you as a woman in between all his other arrangements and possibly while waiting for the true love to appear. Sorry, may be bad logic

If things aren’t right after 18 months the relationship is unlikely to be sustainable for the rest of your lives.

You've asked for time and space to review the viability of the relationship. That's a perfectly reasonable request.

He's asked for a timescale, and a deadline for your decision.
This is also eminently sensible.

You now have a maximum of 5 weeks - but why would you want to keep him dangling a moment longer than necessary? It sounds like the answer is already clear. If you're kind, you'll end it sooner rather than later.