Boyfriend asked me to make a decision on our relationship "before Q4"

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Regular on this board but NCed because I don't want this post to be associated with my regular posting history. I am in real need of advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is 36 and I am 28. We don't live together. We've had our ups and downs, but recently we were getting into a lot of silly arguments and misunderstandings. I felt he wasn't making an effort to understand my point of view, he didn't express his feelings, and didn't prioritize our relationship over other commitments.

This culminated into an argument a few days ago, which for me was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him that I needed to take some space away from him to think about whether our relationship is sustainable. I thought that a bit of space was going to give us both time to reflect on our feelings. In the moment he agreed to my request.

However, the next day he told me that from October onwards his job was going to be stressful and therefore "he would appreciate if I could let him know what I want to do with our relationship before the beginning of Q4".

I am floored. I feel like he is treating me like an annoying colleague and that this reaction shows that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care whether we stay together or not.

Am I overreacting or is this as bad as I think it is?

Thanks

Give him your notice with immediate effect, no reference required, thanks.

Bleugh.

Yes, that would be it for me. My vagina would cease trading immediately.

His cold business-like attitude is all you need to know about where this relationship is going. Your life is not a business transaction to be decided upon.

I wouldn't prolong the agony any longer, to be honest. Just dump him now.

Compile your bullet-pointed answer on a PowerPoint presentation for him

You've asked for space, and he has let you know there is a time limit on how long he is prepared to wait around for you.

Did you want him to wait for you indefinitely? Why would you get to call all the shots?

Rubbish. He is obvs not interested because if he was he would be asking what can I do, how can i make it better etc not give me an answer by Q4

He sounds like an insufferable twat.

Also, he should ask for your response by end Q3 😂

just text him -

Re: your recent objective pertaining to what I want to do with our relationship before beginning Q4.😂🙄✌

Q4 aside, all of this in just 18 months?

Life is too short. But not as short as this relationship is. Dump and move on.

If the OP has asked for space, hassling her about he should do to make it better wouldn't be respecting her wishes.

I get that saying "Q4" is a bit corporate and awkward, but it's not reasonable to expect him to either wait around indefinitely or do a 'pick me' dance as part of some manipulative game.

The relationship isn't working regardless. It shouldn't be this hard work after just 1.5 years.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Nah im with him on this to be honest. Either shit or get off the pot, time to make a decision. Doesn’t sound like it’s working so why are you dragging it out?

It is a little odd but if he is connecting it to work getting busy, then I can see where he is coming from. To be honest, I don't think you are behaving very well either. Make your mind up and act on it, leaving him dangling is not fair and I don't blame him for putting a limit on it.

Isn’t it just the equivalent of a teacher asking to know before half term - ie normal speak in his world.

I wouldn't be 'floored' by it. He's communicating poorly, which is generally the entire reason you have asked for some space so in this situation do yourselves a favour, make it a permanent space and be done with it.

You're 28. Move on.

Honestly op, if it’s this shit at only 1 and a half years it’s really only going to get worse, not better. Tell him he’s free to focus on his Q4, and find yourself someone you are more compatible with.

This.

But also - his message reads to me like a bit of a cry for help. This is clearly a guy who is ill at ease expressing his feelings (as you said) and navigating a relationship. I think he's basically saying "Please don't leave me, or leave me uncertain, or hurt my pride", but he's dressed it up in this awkwardly businesslike way because he can't be vulnerable. That's not to say that you should cave in, but I do suspect that's where he's coming from - not a lack of caring about you (albeit in his immature way).

This relationship is obviously hard work and needs to end.

Having said that, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong by asking for clarification if you want to be with him or not for the period Oct-Dec. This is usually most people’s busiest time socially and they’ll be a lot of invites and occasions to plan, especially Christmas. The Christmas and New Year periods are typically a romantic time for a relatively new couple with proposals etc. so it’s good that he wants to be on the same page.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to give you a timeline to decide what you want.

If he wants it in this sort of business-speak, fine. But I'd be going back with something to say that yes, you'd like to continue the relationship but only if these xx points are addressed. then list them. In bullet point format.

Kind of agree. The Q4 language is clumsy, but fair play that he's put a timeline on this.

On one hand it sounds like he's not overly fussed, but on the other sounds like he's simply got boundaries he's not letting you piss around with because he's got a busy life.

So just make your call one way or the other. Preferably in Q3 please

I actually agree with his thinking - I have certain milestones/busy periods with work targets (surely can't be that uncommon, many people have CPD, further exams, and don't have a "9-5 and leave work at the office lifestyle") and I know I don't have the headroom for "what are we" situations.

same with blokes I expect.

Sometimes there is time for "wiggle room" sometimes either someone is in or they are not.

I knew I HAD to clear room for some final exams so detached from a fairly passionate but unreliable early dating situation a few years back (had health issues crop up as well - So was really glad I just had myself and family and tried and tested companions).

Yeh I might have been jeered at for "abandoning love for Module 244566", but this was important for my life progress.

If the relationship isn't working it isn't working - maybe best to detach so the healing and processing and moving on can happen sooner!

I assume neither of you are that happy, Q4 is busy so presume there won't be much time anyway...

Omg. I'd be so tempted to wait until a month into Q4 and ditch him.

You are young OP,it doesn’t sound like you are getting what’s important to you from this relationship and by 1.5 yrs it’s more than long enough to know if you are wanting to make this permanent….time to move on or you might be asking this again when you are in your mid 30’s!!!

Yes exactly. It's not the way to discuss it

Ask him what is his end of year forecast for 2023, and once he has shared this and you’ve had the opportunity to reflect, taking into account forecast accuracy to date, you’ll let him know your decision in readiness for Q4.