Boyfriend asked me to make a decision on our relationship "before Q4"

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Regular on this board but NCed because I don't want this post to be associated with my regular posting history. I am in real need of advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is 36 and I am 28. We don't live together. We've had our ups and downs, but recently we were getting into a lot of silly arguments and misunderstandings. I felt he wasn't making an effort to understand my point of view, he didn't express his feelings, and didn't prioritize our relationship over other commitments.

This culminated into an argument a few days ago, which for me was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him that I needed to take some space away from him to think about whether our relationship is sustainable. I thought that a bit of space was going to give us both time to reflect on our feelings. In the moment he agreed to my request.

However, the next day he told me that from October onwards his job was going to be stressful and therefore "he would appreciate if I could let him know what I want to do with our relationship before the beginning of Q4".

I am floored. I feel like he is treating me like an annoying colleague and that this reaction shows that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care whether we stay together or not.

Am I overreacting or is this as bad as I think it is?

Thanks

Anyone who spoke to me like a business interaction who wanted me to make a decision that is so big by Q4 has confirmed they need dumping. The fact he says you have to decide seems a passive approach too. No efffort to keep you, just awaiting a judgement - leave

So Q4 is basically giving space till October, which is probably what you wanted and asked for. So take the time, no rush. Meantime I'd of replied to that message with a thumbs up emoji, because he's a dick for saying it like that. It probably shows that you are right, his priorities will always be work and other things over you. Let him stew, then resign when October comes.

This is him. People can’t change - they can tinker round the edges - but they can’t really. It sounds like you need more than he can give you so I don’t really see any point in hanging on to the relationship.

🤣🤣

He swallowed the management book! Get rid, asap.

I don’t know that it’s corporate speak. It’s just the measure of time, like referring to after half term, or during Michaelmas term or whatever the significant points are in time for those whose life ebbs and flows with that particular calendar

for those whose day to day life is characterised by an expectation of how busy you’ll be and particular pressures facing you at specific times of the year, everyone knows Q4 is the worst and will be lots of late nights and pressure. Mnetters “I earn £671572896 a year - also mnetters what’s Q4

but yes agree, 18 months in shouldn’t be this hard

Not sure why everyone’s getting so worked up about him saying q4. I don’t think the way he phrased it has to mean he is cold and business like and treating the OP as a transaction. I think they were just words he happened to use to say he’ll want to know in about a month. And I think he’s very reasonable in that. Maybe he knows he wants to continue the relationship and feels he just needs to wait for OP to decide.

Out of context he would sound like a bit of a knob though.

But it is out of context - it's a relationship not a board meeting.

I'm utterly baffled by anyone who thinks this is ok. But then I avoid corporate-speak wankers like the plague.

I read this to my wife. She said 'He's probably autistic. Perhaps he has a difficult quarter 4 coming up and he needs to plan ahead. Also he's not the centre of your world'

On reading I thought I bet he's autistic and predicted the advice she would provide. You may not be surprised to hear she's autistic. Apart from that, whether he is or not he clearly has some difficulties with emotional literacy. You want different things from each other and this is way too much for 18 months in. What's good about him?

You know you'd feel better without him in your life.

Is he in finance or fintech or something? It's just corporate speak and he was want to know by a certain date. Not something I'd say to DH but I don't see a huge deal. I give myself goals like "In Q3 I'll save £X" for example.

I don't think the use of Q4 matters beyond it being a mild irritation. No-one is perfect you know, it seems a very small crime. There may be other reasons to end the relationship but not that.

Oh, God.

Once I'd picked myself up off the floor from laughing, I'd suggest that he engages in a full 360 appraisal with his ex girlfriends giving their assessment against essential KPIs and you'd review this in due course prior to consideration of implementing Performance Management or proceeding directly to full termination in view of a failure to meet even the lowest level of attainment against each objective.

Bin the pompous twat off. If in doubt, have it as a task to complete by End of Play tomorrow to enable you to go into the long weekend unencumbered by the knob.

His statement makes a lot of sense, you’re the one who
“needed time out to reflect” not him. He’s starting a new very stressful job which sounds very important to him and he needs to know where he stands (he doesn’t know), he’s asking you if you want to be together or not, straight on the rocks. If you say “yes” he’ll probably be happy and if you say “no” he’ll be sad but move on. Men are more practical than women when it comes to love, sorry.

Honestly dump his arse before beginning of Q4 🤣 who talks like that in real life lol. You're 28, I'm sure you'll have met someone else by beginning of Q1 if not before the end of Q4 😁.

Presumably he said Q4 because that’s when he’s going to be busy at work rather than because he sees you as a work project.

Everything you’ve said suggests this isn’t working- it’s not meant to be this hard. So perhaps a proper split is the way to go. But you should do it because you think it’s right rather than because he phrased a reasonable request in a clumsy way.

Deliverable ahead of schedule. He can fuck off. Q4! Really!?

You told him you need space to figure out if the relationship is 'sustainable' (so some corporate speak from you) - which in his mind is one step away from break-up. Now you're cross he's not warmer with you and you're questioning if he loves YOU 🙄 you're being unreasonable.

For balance 18months is the exact time couples run into issues. You're in that space where the honeymoon period is over and now you're making (consciously or subconsciously) big decisions about level of commitment - at 18mths people are starting to take the veil down on their true-selves and assert a few boundaries. 18mths is usually a tricky time in a relationship for silly arguments.

The only right response is - I just wanted a bit of space to clear my head and think - because these little arguments we've been having are getting me down. Let's talk it through at the weekend xx

Then actually sit and think about whether you love this guy and want a relationship with him or not and then put the guy out of his misery.

It shouldn't be this hard. Move on for both of your sakes,..

Sounds like it isn't working and you both know it.

Q4 did make me laugh a bit though, sorry!

This reminds me of

Are you work colleagues? Does he work in a job where he needs to meet target regularly? YANBU to feel upset, he is making you feel like you are a blockage of his projects.

Ouch. Is he worried about a constructive dismissal claim if your relationship makes it past two years?

Joking aside, I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. Most people would find this reaction hurtful, I think.

I informed my then long distance boyfriend that I was starting a big project in a specific month, so he either needed to pull his finger out and move as he had been planning or he wouldn’t see very much of me as it would be using a lot of weekend time. 6 years, marriage and DC later we alternately drive each other demented, me from his chilled out ness and him from my hyper organisation. We love each other to bits and wouldn’t be apart, but occasionally pretend to speed dial the paid assassin.

So deadlines can work - but only if both sides are bought in to the relationship.

Tell him he needs to pass a PIP if he has a chance of surviving being retained for Q4.

But in fairness, the Q4 is a minor issue- there seems to be bigger issues than in your relationship.

If you get your skates on you can tell him that, having reviewed his performance, you are letting him go before the end of his probation period, and the relationship will cease at close of business at the end of Period 8.