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Original poster

Ever had a TRULY platonic male friendship?

243 replies

Lockthedoors9 · 23/08/2023 09:31

On here you see those threads where someone’s other half is shadily texting a woman and whilst most say it’s suspect there’s always a couple of people saying “men can have female friends” and I always do wonder - how?

Now I know of course it must happen but I have never had a male friendship where later it transpired he was trying to turn it into more.

The exception is friendships with gay men or when I was younger, men who later came out.

I’m married now and based on my experiences I’d never have a close friendship with a straight man because of the inevitable drama it would bring.

I know this is rather crap tbh.

Have you experienced similar to me?

I’d also love to hear your positive stories, perhaps I’ve been unlucky or give off some sort of vibe 😂

OP posts:
BeattyV · 24/08/2023 12:40

I love gentle flirting with women my age who I am sexually attracted to and very much hope that it develops - it usually doesn't for sadly like many potato men I'm no great catch. But that flirting tends to happen at the start of the relationship and not after we become friends.

Surely that's not platonic then, potato? Your would like more and they weren't interested so you're happy to take friendship instead?

Truly platonic would be Don’t want anything from them at any point, even if the opportunity arises

SirVixofVixHall · 24/08/2023 12:42

Yes. Lots of them. My DH has truly platonic female friendships too, lasting since schooldays.
We each have an opposite sex sibling and I sometimes wonder if that makes it easier to form opposite sex friendships? Although both my dds (teenagers) have friends of both sexes.

Alphabeta123 · 24/08/2023 12:44

All my close friends are guys. Some gay, some straight. all completely platonic, over the years more than 10.
tge our friend who only made a move was one of my female friends (and she was a extremely unpleasant about being rejected)

ScarlettBeauregarde · 24/08/2023 12:50

I have two, but both are exes of a friend. I think once someone has dated a friend it takes them out of that box really doesn’t it!

Any other male friendships, either they have made a move or I’ve secretly known I would go there 🙈

ILoveMyCaravan · 24/08/2023 12:51

Never had a truly platonic relationship with any male. Even my half brothers wanted a sexual relationship with me (they sexually abused me as a child, teenager and as an adult).

I've never managed to work in an environment with males where sexual advances and indeed sexual relationships didn't happen.

Men have truly fucked up my life.

ShineLikeA · 24/08/2023 12:52

ScarlettBeauregarde · 24/08/2023 12:50

I have two, but both are exes of a friend. I think once someone has dated a friend it takes them out of that box really doesn’t it!

Any other male friendships, either they have made a move or I’ve secretly known I would go there 🙈

No, I wouldn't say so, otherwise a lot of infidelity wouldn't happen! Half the people I know were in more than one relationship with people from their wider friendship group. A friend says her NCT group (from a city where we both used to live, and where she had her children) has basically reshuffled, and at least two individual couples from the original group are now married to other people from the group.

Happypotatoman · 24/08/2023 13:17

BeattyV · 24/08/2023 12:40

I love gentle flirting with women my age who I am sexually attracted to and very much hope that it develops - it usually doesn't for sadly like many potato men I'm no great catch. But that flirting tends to happen at the start of the relationship and not after we become friends.

Surely that's not platonic then, potato? Your would like more and they weren't interested so you're happy to take friendship instead?

Truly platonic would be Don’t want anything from them at any point, even if the opportunity arises

Sorry, my post was long enough but couldn’t cover every situation I have been in.

I was trying to make the point that I am sexually attracted to women. I was worried that it might be thought that I had no sexual interest in women and therefore of course I can have friendships with women.

My two closest female friends I have known for over 30 years. I fancied one of them when we met but it wasn’t reciprocated. We became good friends at work and 5 or so years later we each married other people. I liked her husband (for what it’s worth she didn’t like my wife) and considered him a friend too. He cheated on her and he is no longer a friend. She was single for 5 years before she re-married. I like him too. They are very happy and I am very happy for them.
30 years ago I wish she had fancied me. She didn’t. Until your post I hadn’t thought about her in a non platonic way for years - probably 29 and a half years.
The other one, although ludicrously attractive and very popular, just wasn’t my type and anyway she had a serious boyfriend when we met. She is now married to him and they have a wonderful family and a pretty perfect life. I’m very happy for them too.

Now in my fifties, I have a unexpectedly female dominated social life. I am very grateful to those women for welcoming me into their social lives. Some of those women have become my friends. Not absurdly close friends but more than acquaintances.
Although there are a couple I am attracted to, I have never sought to flirt with any of them because I would consider that a violation of the female hospitality extended to me. Had I not had a mumsnet habit for quite a few years I suspect I would have been less respectful of their right to enjoy a social life without flirting/ unwanted sexual attention.

Bobsledgirl · 24/08/2023 13:18

ILoveMyCaravan · 24/08/2023 12:51

Never had a truly platonic relationship with any male. Even my half brothers wanted a sexual relationship with me (they sexually abused me as a child, teenager and as an adult).

I've never managed to work in an environment with males where sexual advances and indeed sexual relationships didn't happen.

Men have truly fucked up my life.

God that’s awful.

TragicMuse · 24/08/2023 13:21

Yup.

I had a conversation years ago after When Harry Met Sally, my male friend was adamant men and women could not friends.

I said 'but we're friends aren't we?' and he said 'yes' and I said 'and you don't fancy me do you?!' And said sorry, but no he didn't. And I told him also sorry, but that I didn't fancy him at all either.

And then he got it. And we were simply friends.

No stress, no hidden feelings.

It can work.

HowAmYa · 24/08/2023 13:22

Yes. We are like brother and sister.
Absolutely adore him. We're just the best of friends.

Lampzade · 24/08/2023 13:27

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 23/08/2023 09:51

I thought I did, but he is now my husband.

My male bff swore that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with me and that I was like a sister to him. I was quietly relieved
We are now married with three dcs…

Maddy70 · 24/08/2023 13:31

Yes my best friend is male. We've been friends for 18 years never ever had the remotest romantic feeling for each other. He's absolutely gorgeous BTW and I love him deeply but definitely platonic

Lampzade · 24/08/2023 13:33

I do think that some people can have platonic relationships. I do think that it is quite rare though
DD has two male friends who she sees whenever she returns from university ( they all attended the same school)
They treat each other like siblings

MrsAlgernon · 24/08/2023 13:42

I'm a bit autistic and my male friend is also has similar traits. We have been texting each other almost every day for years, because we are both disabled and also have pet interests in common. Our spouses found our friendship suspect at first especially his wife who had trauma of her first husband cheating on her.

Then they realised it's comfortable interests-based friendship not a deep emotional thing - I don't fancy him in the slightest at all and I don't think he does either.

I had male friends in the past and it was a bit more...how do I explain...because they were a bit obsessed.

BarbedBluestocking · 24/08/2023 14:02

I've had many platonic friendships with men. Some very close, others less so.

Sadly, while I've never wanted to take things beyond the friendzone, each and every one of them has eventually tried to sleep with me. The married ones are as bad as the single ones. I've been so disappointed in them and have phased them out every time.

I no longer have any male friends. It seems such a waste of time and effort.

ShineLikeA · 24/08/2023 14:06

Lampzade · 24/08/2023 13:33

I do think that some people can have platonic relationships. I do think that it is quite rare though
DD has two male friends who she sees whenever she returns from university ( they all attended the same school)
They treat each other like siblings

I think it's strange people think it's rare. The vast majority of my friends and acquaintances have good, opposite-sex friends they see individually as well as in groups. (And I grew up in a society with very few mixed schools, so I, like most of my peers, didn't form the habit of male friends early on in childhood - I only discovered men as a friends as well as boyfriends at university, and it was a lovely surprise to discover there was a whole half of the human race, with their own different experiences etc, that I now had available for potential friendships...)

I'm in the process of possibly making a new male friend at the moment. I met him when teaching a summer school this summer, we had lunch on campus a couple of times to discuss stuff related to the students, teaching, venues etc, and met at the opening and closing receptions, and had a coffee since. I've been on leave pretty much since, but will look him up when term starts again. We're both married and in our 50s. No one is planning to shag anyone.

I would assume a woman without male friends had had bad experiences with men, or had been socialised to think men were only there as sexual relationships, and I would assume a man without female friends was probably quite emotionally limited.

BeattyV · 24/08/2023 15:47

@ShineLikeA

The bar for truly platonic friendship is high.

It means there has never been any sexual feeling or desire. You can't have wanted them (or they wanted you) pretty much

That's easy for male acquaintances and coworkers. Less common amongst very close male friends possibly

SirVixofVixHall · 24/08/2023 16:37

BarbedBluestocking · 24/08/2023 14:02

I've had many platonic friendships with men. Some very close, others less so.

Sadly, while I've never wanted to take things beyond the friendzone, each and every one of them has eventually tried to sleep with me. The married ones are as bad as the single ones. I've been so disappointed in them and have phased them out every time.

I no longer have any male friends. It seems such a waste of time and effort.

I luckily haven’t had this very often. I have found out a few times, years later, that a friend had a crush on me, but I haven’t had friends make passes. I had one friend make it clear he would happily date me but it was all very good humoured and he knew I wasn’t interested.

blue30 · 24/08/2023 17:06

I would say the age and stage of life I'm at now (40s) yes I have close female friends that I want nothing more from. Even acknowledge that they're attractive but want nothing more because I appreciate the value of their friendship and the pleasure of knowing them as people. Furthermore I'm very happy in the relationship I'm in and have no desire to blow that up. It makes life so simple I feel like I've discovered an obscure super power.
At previous times in my life this would have been harder. Unhappy relationships, thinking with wrong organ, desperate for validation etc.

Scaraben · 24/08/2023 17:11

My best friend is male. We met 20 years ago at university and are happily married to other people. We just never fancied each other! But had loads of other stuff in common and were working in small groups together on a fairly intensive course. Physically, his wife and I look very different as do him and my husband. Which I guess highlights the fact that there was never an attraction between us, maybe it would have been different if there was!
Our respective children are around the same age, we get on well with each others spouses and our kids call each other "cousin".

I've had various other male friends over the years including housemates etc and would say I have a good handful of male friends made through work and uni, though more female friends since becoming a mum as that's who I met on mat leave.

Yetisrus29 · 24/08/2023 17:21

My best friend is male,I love him dearly. We are family, I've seen his children grow up and get partners and turn into amazing young people. I've seen him get married. 20 plus years of friendship. Someone asked if he was my boyfriend when we were out, and I felt all horrified! I just could not imagine that.

I've got other male friends who again are like family, we've been through so much together but never are they anything more than friends.

I regular meet another male friend for lunch, he's happily married.

All purely platonic

ShineLikeA · 24/08/2023 17:27

BeattyV · 24/08/2023 15:47

@ShineLikeA

The bar for truly platonic friendship is high.

It means there has never been any sexual feeling or desire. You can't have wanted them (or they wanted you) pretty much

That's easy for male acquaintances and coworkers. Less common amongst very close male friends possibly

You're funny. Surely I get to decide my own bar for my own opposite-sex friendships?

C1N1C · 24/08/2023 17:53

I remember something called the "ladder theory"... sad to say I largely agree

Laddertheory.com:
Many women want to argue this point and say things like " I have lots of guy friends." Maybe. There are exactly 3 cases whereby a guy and a girl can be friends:

  1. The guy is gay
  2. The guy does not find you attractive
  3. The guy already has a woman much higher than you on the ladder.

The site essentially says, if you took off all your clothes in front of him, do you really think he'd say no?

gogomoto · 24/08/2023 17:57

Yes me. I probably get along with men better than women.

Yetisrus29 · 24/08/2023 17:58

ShineLikeA · 24/08/2023 14:06

I think it's strange people think it's rare. The vast majority of my friends and acquaintances have good, opposite-sex friends they see individually as well as in groups. (And I grew up in a society with very few mixed schools, so I, like most of my peers, didn't form the habit of male friends early on in childhood - I only discovered men as a friends as well as boyfriends at university, and it was a lovely surprise to discover there was a whole half of the human race, with their own different experiences etc, that I now had available for potential friendships...)

I'm in the process of possibly making a new male friend at the moment. I met him when teaching a summer school this summer, we had lunch on campus a couple of times to discuss stuff related to the students, teaching, venues etc, and met at the opening and closing receptions, and had a coffee since. I've been on leave pretty much since, but will look him up when term starts again. We're both married and in our 50s. No one is planning to shag anyone.

I would assume a woman without male friends had had bad experiences with men, or had been socialised to think men were only there as sexual relationships, and I would assume a man without female friends was probably quite emotionally limited.

Show quote history

Yes, I went to an all girls boarding school. I then met two guys at college we hit off straight away, madly into music, we were a real trio. Nothing romantic between us. Just 3 friends. I was the female version of them. It was truly something else, as up until then all my friends had been female. There was never any competition between us, it didn't matter if two went out without the other. It was the most mellow friendship.