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Original poster

Ever had a TRULY platonic male friendship?

243 replies

Lockthedoors9 · 23/08/2023 09:31

On here you see those threads where someone’s other half is shadily texting a woman and whilst most say it’s suspect there’s always a couple of people saying “men can have female friends” and I always do wonder - how?

Now I know of course it must happen but I have never had a male friendship where later it transpired he was trying to turn it into more.

The exception is friendships with gay men or when I was younger, men who later came out.

I’m married now and based on my experiences I’d never have a close friendship with a straight man because of the inevitable drama it would bring.

I know this is rather crap tbh.

Have you experienced similar to me?

I’d also love to hear your positive stories, perhaps I’ve been unlucky or give off some sort of vibe 😂

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 23/08/2023 11:19

Also just to say that we never had an attraction stage. We were both very awkward teenagers and can relate on that front. No one would believe it as we are swans now, but we both know and that’s what bonds us really. No sexual attraction at all ever.

GreyCarpet · 23/08/2023 11:19

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 23/08/2023 11:18

My DM has had gay male friends and a platonic male best friend who was in love with her but she told him she didn’t feel that way. Fast forward a few years when he’d remarried and my DB and his wife were visiting him and his new wife. The platonic male best friend got out a photographic album/book of his romantic exes and my DM was in there. DB questioned him about it and the friend said “yes me and your mum dated”. DB then checked with my DM later who told DB that categorically no, they never dated but he’d told her he was in love with her years ago and she’d said sorry no, but we can be friends. It explained why his new wife was so off with my DM and others.

Wow sounds like ued interpreted or at least was presenting the time they'd spend in their friendship as dating.

Some men are so strange!

Cosycover · 23/08/2023 11:21

Yep I do. I adore him. He adores me. Nothing has ever happened or ever will. He's like my brother.

Although I do dread the day he meets a girl who has an issue with it. Because I'd hate to lose him.

RandomUsernameHere · 23/08/2023 11:27

No not really. The men I socialise with are either DH's friends or the husbands of my friends, I wouldn't meet up with any of them on my own.

GreyCarpet · 23/08/2023 11:31

Cosycover · 23/08/2023 11:21

Yep I do. I adore him. He adores me. Nothing has ever happened or ever will. He's like my brother.

Although I do dread the day he meets a girl who has an issue with it. Because I'd hate to lose him.

Yeah, I had one of those too...

He was happliy married. His wife and I got on really well.too. She'd stay home with all the children so he and I could.go out if he wanted to do something and she didn't fancy it. She knew we were close and was fine with it. He was like a brother to me too.

And then one day, he told me he was in love with me. Whole thing blew up and I haven't seen either of them since. 10+ years of friendship, fun, laughter, nights out, family day trips, the children being friends, holidays and Christmases spent together. Just gone.

I'm still hurt about it 4 years on.

It wasn't the first time it had happened but its definitely the one I least expected

I'd always be wary now.

MovedonfromMartin · 23/08/2023 11:38

Yes absolutely! We can chat on the phone for ages every week! He is, in fact, the only person that I chat to on the phone anymore.

Bunnyhair · 23/08/2023 11:40

I have always had plenty of purely platonic straight male friends. All it really involves is not fancying one another.

As an adult, my friendships with men are less intense than my friendships with women, though. We don’t tend to text a lot or call each other, or keep up on the minutiae of one another’s lives - we send each other a meme every few months, or meet for a catch up at the pub now and then, or go to the cinema if there’s something on we both want to see.

There shouldn’t be anything inherently suspicious about a very emotionally close, texting-all-the-time type friendship between a man and a woman, I suppose, but the men I’m friends with aren’t really like that. Too old and tired and busy, maybe!

TwigTheWonderKid · 23/08/2023 11:58

Yes, I am friends with at least three men now and it is and always has been, purely platonic and there have been a few more over the years.

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 12:55

People saying they have "plenty" of male friends are missing the point. If there are several of them, they're not the intense "best friend" thing that's an EA in disguise.

The only exception being genuine childhood friendships because we're hardwired not to be with the children we grew up with.

thatllbethebees · 23/08/2023 13:32

Yes! We started off in a romantic relationship but very soon realised we were just friends. He's one of my best mates and I trust him implicitly. We're both single and have no interest in anything more than friends. We've also been best mates while with other people.

boobot1 · 23/08/2023 13:43

poulderi · 23/08/2023 09:37

every time I thought I did they massively let me down by making sexual advances

Same

VoluptuaGoodshag · 23/08/2023 14:04

Yes and I'm just about to meet him for lunch and my DH said to say hi to him. I have loads of male friends that pre-date DH but interestingly few after. He has few female friends if any though. In actual fact, his friends are mainly through his hobby whereas I have loads from school, work, other parents, my hobbies, folk I've just met in life. I actively keep in touch with the ones that matter but he doesn't put in the same effort.
There are some males in my existence that are more difficult to read and whilst I'd like to be friends with them I sense that there is a chemistry there that may lead to something (on my part as much as theirs) so I keep them at arms length.

Mari9999 · 23/08/2023 14:17

@Lockthedoors9
One of my closest friends is male. There has never been anything remotely sexual or romantic between us. I would not be bothered by my spouse having a female close friendship. I know that I have a long-term friendship with my male friend, why would or should I assume that my spouse or partner would be incapable of doing the same?

Are people who object to this saying that they would be incapable of being faithful and maintaining a platonic friendship We don't think of it as a platonic relationship; we just think of it as a friendship.

I suppose if you know that in similar circumstances you could not remain faithful, it might be reasonable to think that your partner has a similar moral compass.

Shapemyeyebrows · 23/08/2023 14:20

@Lockthedoors9 it can happen but in my experience it’s very rare that neither person has absolutely zero interest in them in that way. I have male friends where yes it’s purely platonic and from my side I only see them as mates but I know deep down some of them would cross the line if I showed any interest. What I find about male friendships is a lot of them do harmlessly flirt and say things in “jest” which wouldn’t happen with my girl mates. So when there are posts on here about women being worried about their partner being friends with another woman, and people say “he can be friends with both men and women”, I don’t think its comparable. It’s extremely unlikely that I would grow feelings for my female friends as I’m not attracted to women. But it’s POSSIBLE something more could grow from a friendship with a male even if initially it’s just platonic.

Mari9999 · 23/08/2023 14:20

It must be a bit disheartening to think that your partner is faithful only because you limit his opportunities for close friendships.

declutteringmymind · 23/08/2023 14:23

Yea! My brother, BILs, cousins.

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 14:23

Mari9999 · 23/08/2023 14:20

It must be a bit disheartening to think that your partner is faithful only because you limit his opportunities for close friendships.

Hear, hear. What a depressing view of friendships.

GingerIsBest · 23/08/2023 14:26

I have and have had platonic male straight friends. But I will say that I've never had a male friend who is my "best friend". I think the only way that would have ever happened would be if I had a hobby or interest that was the same as a man and therefore there was that mutual thing.

So I've had close male friends through work or houseshares etc and they've stayed good friends in many cases. But they're not the people I text off and on all the time, have a constant dialogue with etc. some of them absolutely are there in the really tough times - I'll always be grateful to my oldest friend, who is also a man, who turned up a few hours after my mother died (he didn't tell me he was coming) and took me out for breakfast while DH stayed with the DC - but they're not my day to day friends if that makes sense?

So if I look through my WhatsApp of the last week, all the random chit chat is with my female friends. But I saw a male friend for dinner last week, and received an update on an irritating work situation that we'd discussed a few weeks ago from another male friend.

Merapi · 23/08/2023 14:28

Yes, several.

Bobsledgirl · 23/08/2023 14:30

Not really as a mature adult. When younger I had male friends but there was usually something unrequited on one side.

ZebraDanios · 23/08/2023 14:31

SleepingStandingUp · 23/08/2023 09:59

Yes, by not being so attractive that every man I talk to wants to got on me. Advantages to being fat I suppose.

Yep same here! I can’t imagine what it‘s like to go through life wondering whether everyone you meet fancies you - it just never crosses my mind at all.

Abouttimemum · 23/08/2023 14:35

My best friend since I was 4 years old is male, we’re in our 40s now. My DH and his DW also get along well. All fine.

It probably helps that we’ve been that way our entire lives so it was completely normal for DH and clearly nothing but platonic.

Growlybear83 · 23/08/2023 14:36

I've had many completely platonic male friends, most of whom weren't gay. My best friend for several years when I first knew my husband (other than my husband) was male and he never had a problem if I went out with my friend without him. We had dated very briefly when I was 14 but it was only for a couple of weeks. We stayed friends and then our friendship grew over the years. There was never any remotely sexual connection between us, just a very deep friendship. Since then, I've had several male friends and have always found them much more reliable and above anything, less bitchy and superficial than women.

Cowlover89 · 23/08/2023 14:39

Yes I've got male besties 😊

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 23/08/2023 14:47

Oh, loads! I had male best friends at school, as a teenager, and all through my adult life.

I've got dozens of male friends and a few of them are very close. Just as many and as close as my female friends. I've had a male best friend more than once, including now.

I just literally made a new male friend in the last week actually. It didn't occur to me to think it was notable.

If a guy fancies me, they tend to let me know about it quite quickly. I can't imagine that some of the guys I've known since I was a kid have been harbouring feelings for me for decades. To be honest, I'd feel a bit conceited thinking that all men must fancy me.