OH Cheated on me :(

[AmyB13]

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

Surely the same stands, what about the husband in that case and the potential for sti's?

>Is he a habitual cheater?

Yes.

Those are his morals.

He likes the security of a relationship. But also enjoys sex with new people.

So he chooses to have both.

It's not complicated.

You will teach him your value now. So don’t be kind. Be angry. Defend yourself as you would your daughter. He has betrayed the foundations of everything and destroyed your relationship for a moment’s selfish pleasure. Feel the rage and direct it towards protecting YOU.

@AmyB13, please read and reread the above and all the truths and wise advice of @LemonyTicket on page 7.

It’s disturbing to know that he intended for you and DD to go about your business at home — sitting on the sofa, etc. — completely unaware of the sordidness that occurred there. I recall a poster who experienced the same betrayal. Besides being crushed that her H and OW had been in her bed, she was sickened that OW had used her bathroom, sat on her furniture, drunk from her glass, and gazed at her family’s photos. Everything was tainted.

I couldn’t expose my DD to a man who is capable of cheating and twisting the knife by violating our home.

@GilbertMarkham makes excellent points regarding the danger of rearing a child with a binge drinker. DD might not be witnessing his OTT drunken behavior (yet), but she will be negatively affected by its insidious ramifications in the home environment: the stress, discord, anxiety, mistrust, his hangover behavior, etc. Even on his weekly ‘drinking but not bingeing’ pub nights, his respect and consideration disappear and his selfishness is on display when he won’t answer his phone and stays out too late.

If you’re considering keeping this relationship, you’re going to have to go nuclear. First, he’s going to have to feel the loss of you for the time being. NC with OW, giving up alcohol, and investing in individual counseling should be absolute requirements.

Find your rage, @AmyB13.

Make him get tested now and in 2-4 weeks. If he’s cheated before and got an sti there’s some irrefutable proof there isn’t there.

DiamondTiddler

sti seem to be an MN obsession tbh

I’d be bloody upset if a partner cheated

But I don’t think that sti would be on my worry list

it’s a very MN thing

You're not worried about STIs.

Are you a magical elf or something and you can't catch them?

Or they are only for poor people not you, or something like that?

Sti's can be devastating, some leading to infertility. I'm astonished that you don't understand this as a fully grown adult, who I assume has a sex life.

LylaLee

Wtf is wrong with you ?
of course I know about sti

Only for poor people ? Jesus wept

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Why wouldn't you worry about STIs if someone cheated on you?

And why is doing so a 'MN thing'?

It's a responsible, adult sexual health responsibility thing.

See the post below for a better response than I could have come up with.

'The post below yours' I meant to say.

If you don't know where it's been - test.
New partner - test.
Occasional hook up - test.
FWB - test.
Cool girl/boy/nb doesn't mind non exclusive - test.
Old partner, reconciled - test.
Whiff of infidelity - test (especially when someone doesn't know how/when/who and takes no accountability - TEST
It is not a MN thing. It's a not getting caught out thing. Not all STI's can be prevented with a condom.

well I acknowledge what (almost ) everyone says on this topic to be fair

and as I’ve read she wants him to take one , i probably shouldn’t have said that

and let’s not derail OPs thread

When I got together with my now h, he hadn't had many partners - but he had had sex without condoms with one of them. She was 9 yrs older than him and he regularly seemed to encounter exes of hers when socialising in the area. He claimed he used condoms for any others, he appeared sincere/truthful.

They stopped shagging several months before we started seeing each other.

He was reluctantly using condoms with me. He didn't like them. He'd have left them off very easily if I'd acceded. I started having more and more contact without condoms. I insisted we both have std screening. He thought it was totally unnecessary, said he'd only had sex without condoms with this older ed and that she was very conscientious and careful and organised about std screening. She told him she got screened regularly.

I insisted until he did it. There was much moaning about not wanting swabs in his pee hole, it would horrendous etc etc. He went under pressure. The doctor gave him a course of antibiotics and a leaflet on clamydia with the words "I think you might have this fellow"

I then had to go and get a course of antibiotics due to the condomless contact we'd had.

This was how conscientious and careful his ex was.
I also heard during the course of our relationship that he'd had to complete delivery of some pamphlets or similar that she'd taken on as a side hustle to make money - be Suze she was indisposed because she's had to have treatment of abnormal cervical cells. I'm in my 40s and this was ages ago so it was before it was even made clear that that is mostly due to HPV. So it's highly likely she had HPV, it's very possible she gave that to him too, and i could only hope his system had cleared it/not been infectious in the interim between their fwb (following relationship breakdown) and our relationship.

If I hadn't pushed and pushed this man who thought it was totally unnecessary and was convinced of the conscientiousness of his clamydia and probably HPV infected ex; I'd have been left with clamydia that might not have given clear symptoms and could have damaged my reproductive organs and affected my fertility, due to those two fkg fools.

That's why many mn'ers are so keen on std screening.

Many woman on here who've been cheated on have ended up with STDs.

Posters don't want their physical health affected by their feckless, skanky partners (and their partners skanky, feckless cheating partners) as well as their mental health.

Oh and I dunno why, but there's something about Miss gay but not, goes out with no money for her own drinks or transport home, drink cadging, attached man shagging, general disaster area who apparently doesn't use condoms ...... That makes me feel like maybe an std check is a good idea. She's not exactly the most sensible, together or reliable sounding person, is she?

And that's presuming he hadn't had any other "incidents" op isn't aware of.

Jesus Christ. He’s going to get away with this. The poor daughter…

He's already gotten away with it

That's a bit much @Hibiscrubbed
My DD is a very happy, much loved child. I have just had my world flipped upside down, and although I agree with nearly all the comments on here about how I should leave my OH and that he has treated me awfully, I can promise you, that decision to leave is not an easy one... especially because of my DD, not in spite of her.

He shagged another woman in your daughter's home OP.

I cannot see any possible way of getting past that. You surely feel so angry he did that in her safe space that you'll never truly relax around him again?

He brought that woman to your home, where all your daughters things are, where you and he and your DD all hang out together... and shagged that woman.

The level of disrespect for her as well as you is astonishing.

Many people stay after affairs and cheating. We are here to support OP, not insult or reprimand.

It's only just happened and OP needs time to decide what to do. Nothing has to be done now.

Agree. Also, he took her back to your house. I wouldn't be able to look at him. Wanker.

He brought her to your house? Was this in your bed?! I would have told him to get out already, you need space to think this through because frankly he has now changed the relationship you share forever. I would need time to calm down and think straight. Don’t feel sorry for him, yes he is crushed - how does he think you feel?! Push aside your empathy for him and start thinking honestly if you can live with this.

What a coincidence that the only time you weren't with your husband, this woman needed assistance to get herself home..

The fact he lied to you at the time it was all happening tells you everything you need to know.
No brainer. You stay with him, you are showing him what you will accept.

I thought that also, the fact it took place in your home shows utter disrespect, you don't know it was in your living room for sure

Can't he go away for a few days to give you some space as he caused this problem? You can then start to think clearly on what to do. You can't do that with him around you

I would block her as well

Thank @FlamingYam

I know that what OH has done isn't just to me but my DD too. My DD is not going to know what has happened though, so all she will know is that the man she loves like a father has gone. That's not something I can take lightly regardless of how much OH doesn't deserve to stay. If me and him separate because of this (and believe me, that is still a big possibility), then I have to make sure the break is calm and done properly to help all 3 of us start new lives. Because of the bond he has with my DD, it won't be a case of him walking away and us never seeing him again.

The fact this happened in my home is massively hard to deal with, and like people have said, his infidelity was / is in every room for me to imagine. TBH though it's getting easier to be here because his infidelity is everywhere I go anyway. After 8 years together there isn't really anything in my life that doesn't remind me of him so no matter where I am or what I'm doing, my thoughts can't stay anyway from what he's done.

Also, whilst what people are saying on here is potently true about him being a no good cheat who will definitely do it again, who has done it lots of times before without me knowing, who doesn't care or respect me etc... there is also the possibility that he f**ked up big time, and doesn't want to do anything like that ever again. Now, that could be massive wishful thinking on my part, but sometimes people mess up, that doesnt mean they are bad people. I'll know who he is by his next moves, and believe me I'm watching carefully!

I'm also building up the courage to talk to my best friend about this, and I have a referral appt today to get therapy support for me so I think both of those things will help give me the strength to leave that I just don't have right now.