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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH Cheated on me :(

303 replies

AmyB13 · 22/08/2023 14:29

Please someone talk to me. I found out yesterday my OH of 8 years had a one night stand on Friday whilst I was away for the weekend with my DD.
The woman in question is someone I know from the pub me and my OH socialise in and she is actually supposed to be gay, so I'm extra confused about it all!
I found out because I couldn't get hold of my OH all evening and when he finally called me back he was being super shady. We have a joint phone contract so I checked the records and saw he had called a taxi about 15 mins before I spoke to him yet on the phone he was pretending he had fallen asleep and just woken up!
I returned from my weekend away yesterday and he couldn't continue his lie and told me what had happened. How he had gone out, got really drunk and that his woman had no way to get home so she came back with him as neither of them had any cash on them for a taxi and there was cash at our house. He says he doesn't really have a proper memory of what happened and he was very remorseful when he told me. Bordering on a panic attack, begging me not to leave him, saying he will do anything to fix things etc.
I really don't know what to do. I love him and can't imagine not being with him. Part of me wants to forgive and try to get past it, I can see what a huge mistake he thinks it is... but the other part of me feels sick to my stomach. I'm going in and out of shock with it atm, crying one minute, then angry, then numb. I don't want to be in my house because that's where this happened, I want space from him but I also want him to stay. I have a 12 year old daughter who isn't his but she thinks of him as a dad. If she knew what had happened she would be absolutely devastated. I don't want to put her through him leaving.
I also don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. My family and friends will tell me to leave him and hate him, and then there's our joint friends who I'm not sure whether the advice would be for me or him.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm hoping someone can offer me some comfort or advice? Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 09:07

You never did answer.

Has he sorted out his therapy? What has he actually done?

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2023 09:23

I believe he loves me too

I'm really sorry but no-one who truly loves someone (and is a remotely well adjusted person) does what he's done.

He's the live in partner of a woman for 8 years and has become a step father to her daughter, yet when she goes away for the weekend he's bringing the town drunk cadger back.tk get home and fucking her, and lying about it to his partner quite glibly.

That's an incredibly low bar for "loving" someone.

If you do things like that, and you really think you love someone; your "love" is not really worth having. Quite a few people's version of love is not worth having

What would you feel towards him if you did the equivalent? Men aren't alien species, they're not that much different from us; would you truly love or value a partner if you did to him, what he's done?

BlastedPimples · 31/08/2023 09:23

If you don't trust him then you're in for a life of constant worry, doubt, headfuckery.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2023 09:24

*the town drink cadger back to their home and fucking her,

WhoWhereHow · 31/08/2023 09:27

I'm so sorry OP, this all sounds horrendous.

Whether you stay or leave is entirely up to you and I think taking your time is sensible.

Two pieces of advice from someone who was once in a very similar situation.

  1. Don't let the time to think become the new normal. Don't 'default' into a decision because the conversation is difficult or because its easier having him around. Whichever path you choose, choose, Don't let it drift

  2. He wasn't thinking about you while he cheated. He was thinking entirely of himself and his needs. It's time for you to do the same. I ended my relationship because I knew I was becoming a person I didn't want to be - getting nervous when he was late home, wanting to check his phone, 'reminding' him not to f up when he was going out with mates. I didn't want to be that person.

For you, it may be that you need him in your life for many reasons. That's cool too, just don't be blinded by 'oh, it'll be stressful to move' or 'where will he go?' Etc.

Good luck

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2023 09:28

You said you're currently too weak to get rid of him.

Maybe if you get some counselling you could strengthen yourself and get rid of him.

Is he urgently enthusiastically seeking out the counselling he said he needs around alcohol and his behaviour, having cheated drunk in another relationship.. even if it truly is 8 yrs later?
Not that I think it'll help, because I don't think it's the drink. But is he even pretending to seek that out or is he just waiting til this blows over.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2023 09:33

I also think you want to believe he loves you, because you can't accept he might not.

But sometimes people don't end up loving us.

Sometimes it doesn't matter of they think they love us - if they have a certain personality type and act a certain way, it doesn't matter.

Some people are not capable of real love. That is, respectful, unselfish love with integrity. His actions say he is one of those.

Would you believe your daughter's partner truly loved her if he did this to her?
Apply that to yourself?

80s · 31/08/2023 09:35

You're thinking about how to deal with fear that he might do it again.
Have you also processed your feelings about him treating you with disrespect? Your hurt and anger? And your feelings about him as a person, now he has turned out to be unexpectedly thoughtless and foolish? Can you still respect him?

Alondra · 31/08/2023 10:31

I'm new to the thread OP. I've read all your posts and want to address your last one.

You can't trust him until he takes serious steps to change the way he deals with life stressors. You both had a difficult patch, he then drank to oblivion and had sex with someone he barely knew in your home. In his favour, he didn't gaslight you, he came clean the moment you came home. Also in his favour is the lack of credit cards in his name, his only bank card is in joint names and was with you.

I can believe drinking so much that he could call a taxi and still have sex with a woman in your home while being out of it. It's the problem with alcohol or drugs, it inhibits thinking while increasing the "feel good moment".

I don't think your OH is a serial cheater or an alcoholic, but he has serious issues with coping with pressure, tension and anxiety. I know it's easier said than done, but I'd try to park my anger aside and have a good heartfelt conversation about this. The more you talk about it without anger, the more he's likely to understand his own issues without being defensive.

Whatever you do, take your time. I know it's easier to hide what's happening from your family and friends, but in doing so you are also lying by omission to your loved ones, and lying is the last thing you want to do. What has happened is on him, his responsibility and issues. Don't hide the problems from family and friends. Being honest and genuine is always freeing.

All the best OP

Original poster
AmyB13 · 31/08/2023 11:23

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 09:07

You never did answer.

Has he sorted out his therapy? What has he actually done?

We both have Bupa cover through my work and he has contacted them to claim for therapy. He is waiting for his GP to fill out a form form this to be approved so then the therapy can start.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyB13 · 31/08/2023 11:26

I've actually just had a message from the OW! Up until now she has just ignored the message I sent her, but she has just replied to say how truly sorry she is for hurting me. What do I do?!?!

OP posts:
80s · 31/08/2023 11:36

AmyB13 · 31/08/2023 11:26

I've actually just had a message from the OW! Up until now she has just ignored the message I sent her, but she has just replied to say how truly sorry she is for hurting me. What do I do?!?!

I'd just leave it. Protect your dignity. What good will a conversation do? Or do you want to hear her version of events, so you can wonder if they've agreed on a story/have her words seared into your brain?

sodthesodoff · 31/08/2023 11:44

Honestly i think the key thing from all of your posts is you don't feel strong enough to leave him

You need to get into a place where you are. Because then you're staying with him because you WANT to not because you NEED to

Everything else is moot. You're biding your time for what? You're watching and waiting for what?

It doesn't matter what he does, does it? If you're not able to leave him he can do/not do whatever he wants. And I think he knows that.

Bookworm20 · 31/08/2023 12:02

I think the fact he did it in your home is the thing I couldn't get past. you have no idea if it was the lounge or your bed. Because he can't remember anything. apparantly. Are there pictures of you in the lounge, or your dd? I mean if its the first time, that seems really out of the blue to actually do it in your home. And in front of pictures of your family. Thats normally the move of someone who has gotten comfortable with cheating. Sorry.

As she has replied I'd reply back with anything you want to actually know. Just ask her. Tell her if she is truly sorry she will tell you her version. Although be aware they may have been in contact already to clarify 'his' version.

I am the sort that would want to know everything though. I couldn't move on until I had every answer to every question, however hurtful that might be. the not knowing would be the thing that would destroy me.

Staplesonstamps · 31/08/2023 12:19

I couldn’t not have some sort of dialogue with the OW but is just want to know “how did this even happen?”

It’s such an open question but non accusatory that you might find out detail he’s not providing and it will help you decide what to do about this situation.

Original poster
AmyB13 · 31/08/2023 12:28

Yeah, I was trying to think of something open ended so that she would tell me her version of events. I know there is a possibility that there is some contact going on between them, but I want to try and get to the bottom of what actually happened - and feel that this is potentially a chance to do that.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 31/08/2023 12:39

Just bare in mind this might not be the first time they have hooked up OP. Try not to lead her answers. This might be the only honest conversation you have about what happened. Would you know if she was answering with 'his' version of events? I really hope it helps you find your anger.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2023 13:09

I think what you decide to reply to her message is entirely up to you, but I think if you are even considering staying with your DH it is probably best you don’t seek her “version” of events. If you are choosing to stay with him then that means you are choosing to believe what he says.

I do think it’s strange she’s suddenly decided to reply now…makes you wonder what prompted her to reply, if they are not still in touch then I’m not sure why the random reply?

Original poster
AmyB13 · 31/08/2023 13:25

Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2023 13:09

I think what you decide to reply to her message is entirely up to you, but I think if you are even considering staying with your DH it is probably best you don’t seek her “version” of events. If you are choosing to stay with him then that means you are choosing to believe what he says.

I do think it’s strange she’s suddenly decided to reply now…makes you wonder what prompted her to reply, if they are not still in touch then I’m not sure why the random reply?

I thought the same. Her message says that she has gone to message me around 10 times and then deleted her message as she didn't know what to say to me. Like I said before, she is someone I know and am friendly with so maybe she doesn't feel genuinely bad? I can't see any reason why my OH would ask her to message me. I haven't been questioning him for the last few days or anything like that.

The reason why I'm considering replying is that I want to see if what she says matches what he says. I suppose I want to know if it really was a one time thing or there is more to this that I don't know.

OP posts:
Staplesonstamps · 31/08/2023 13:33

I really hope the gay couple won’t be announcing their expected new addition to the family soon. There’s something off about an apparently same sex attracted person in a relationship suddenly deciding to go home with a bloke and have PIV unprotected sex.

Why the sudden remorseful contact because she knows she’s going to be all up in your lives for some time yet?

I’m a catastrophiser though (not randomly, it’s protective behaviour after many shocks like the one you’ve had OP) so I’m aware I am more highly suspicious than most people.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2023 13:34

I can understand why you feel that way, but I think if you are considering staying with your DH then that means you are making a choice that he is trustworthy (enough) and worth you taking another chance on. That’s your decision to make of course, you know him and I don’t, but if there is even a tiny amount of doubt in your mind that he could be lying and that it’s an ongoing affair (which you must do to be tempted to ask her for her version of events to check) then you really need to think again about your relationship.

If you stay with him, your life from now on is going to be full of having to rely on his version of events, and that will be anxiety inducing without any trust. You won’t be able to fact check everything he says for the rest of your life so you need to decide now if he can be trusted to tell the truth without you needing her side to reassure you.

It’s also worth remembering that if it is an ongoing thing, she’s very unlikely to admit that to you anyway x

Alondra · 31/08/2023 13:35

AmyB13 · 31/08/2023 11:26

I've actually just had a message from the OW! Up until now she has just ignored the message I sent her, but she has just replied to say how truly sorry she is for hurting me. What do I do?!?!

Nothing, you ignore the message. She's not your problem, the issue lays with your OH.

Don't put the blame on her because it's easier to blame the outsider instead of dealing with the issues your OH is bringing to your relationship. It's very easy to deflect responsibility when you are hurting.....don't do it.

Staplesonstamps · 31/08/2023 13:41

I’d honestly be asking if she’s taken the MAP after their unprotected sex if she’s in a same sex relationship she is so unlikely to be on any long term contraception (unless they have an open relationship and she regularly has unprotected sex with men)

MsDogLady · 31/08/2023 13:57

@AmyB13, have you checked his phone to see if they’ve been messaging?

Has he been back to the pub where he usually sees her?

Original poster
AmyB13 · 31/08/2023 14:01

Staplesonstamps · 31/08/2023 13:41

I’d honestly be asking if she’s taken the MAP after their unprotected sex if she’s in a same sex relationship she is so unlikely to be on any long term contraception (unless they have an open relationship and she regularly has unprotected sex with men)

Edited

This is a very good idea. If I reply then I will be sure to ask this.

OP posts: